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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He used me for sex :-( feel so sad

255 replies

Confused2015xxx · 03/08/2015 16:32

A man persued my for years .
Charming and I was really attracted to him .
We text all the time and got on well .
Two weeks ago he came to mine and we had some drinks .We got on so well and really clicked .
I was just finishing my period and wasn't planning on having sex but he convinced me .
Anyway since he's hardly gave me the time of day .
He sent me a few messages but doesn't seem bothered about having a convo with me .
He told me he he loved me and stupidly I believed him .
We have known each other years .
I text Him 4 hours ago and no reply .
What did I do wrong ?
I feel really sad :-(
I'm not normally this stupid and niaeve but I hand on heart thought it was genuine .

OP posts:
Offred · 03/08/2015 17:18

'What did I do wrong?'

The answer would be having an emotional and now physical affair with an abusive man who has a girlfriend and now a new baby.

There are mitigating circumstances in your case, I believe, given you've been so vulnerable BUT this is not going to change until you change it.

ScrambledSmegs · 03/08/2015 17:19

Oh, I didn't see the first thread, Offred. I agree with you.

(Feel a bit weird talking to Offred. I did that book at A-level and it haunted me for ages afterwards!)

Offred · 03/08/2015 17:20

Ha! Yeah, it's a great book though!

ScrambledSmegs · 03/08/2015 17:21

He is abusive too?

Fuck me. Maybe his girlfriend should find out what you've done, so she has a good excus to get out now. Poor woman, my sympathy lies with her and her baby.

Offred · 03/08/2015 17:24

Well I am accusing him of being abusive. The op hasn't said he is physical but he certainly sounds very much like an emotional abuser to me.

Here's the thread from March -www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2323066-In-love-with-someone-who-has-a-pregnant-girlfriend if it is the same op, I think so, too coincidental.

Offred · 03/08/2015 17:28

He's moved back into the GF's home, has his own room where he hangs out playing with his friends and drinking like a 17 year old and putting all his effort into pursuing OW. His sister, the OP's best friend, doesn't think he is trustworthy and he has cheated on every GF he has had. So the GF is housing him and raising their baby while he is arranging secret sex with women he knows are vulnerable...

Offred · 03/08/2015 17:31

Lovely guy!

Pursued the OP for years, she held out despite having feelings for him. Her mum dies and he turns up offering 'support' which includes takeaway and wine which he waits for her to drink then asks to get into bed, then to stay over and of course 'nothing is going to happen' and ooo look at that a 'drunken mistake' happens!!

The GF would surely notice he was out all night, I strongly suspected he had planned the whole thing and already told the GF he would be staying over somewhere because he knew the op would be vulnerable enough to give in...

Like I say, a prize of a man...

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 03/08/2015 18:30

There are only 2 people in the scenario who are worthy of my sympathy and that is his poor unsuspecting wife and their innocent baby.
If he has no respect for her. The mother of his child. How dare you expect him to have respect for you.
You aught to be ashamed of yourself. I think Karma has paid you a visit. What did you think was going to happen. He was going to declare his undying love for you, and whisk you away to a pretty palace. Sorry to be blunt but you were just a convenient shag. Let that be a lesson to you before you jump into bed with someone else's man.
Get a bit of pride and morality about yourself move on.
Mind you I am having a pop at you but you didn't shag yourself did you. He is more of an arse hole.

RealityCheque · 03/08/2015 20:48

Read both threads now.

The guy is an immature, sleazy, player - not an abuser IMO. The word abuser gets chucked round far too liberally in these quarters.

OP, you know you've fucked up. In the previous thread you knew you were going to fuck up. Time to respect yourself now and leave this loser behind you.

Enoughalreadyyou · 03/08/2015 21:14

What did you think was going to happen? Did you think he would leave his gf and baby for you and live happily ever after.

You were used and refused to listen to advice. Therefore it's your own doing. You don't have to believe every word a man says you know.

Put it down to experience and move on. You're 28. Get a grip.

Offred · 03/08/2015 21:17

The definition of abuser is to hurt or injure by maltreatment. Not sure how that doesn't fit this man. Immature sleazy users are abusers...

Psycobabble · 03/08/2015 21:17

Well the guy sounds a prize prick . If someone can cheat on there other half who just gave birth 5 weeks ago what exactly did you expect ??

I mean seriously come on!!!

handfulofcottonbuds · 03/08/2015 22:28

You sought advice on here before you slept with him?

You then ignored all of that and slept with him anyway?

You knew he had a 5 week old baby and a girlfriend?

You need to pick up your morals, with your knickers and take a serious look at yourself!

Others have been more sympathetic than I could ever be for you so ignore me if you want but this whole scenario makes me feel so sick!

Oh and just for balance, he's a d*ck too but OP knew what she was walking into! You deserve each other!

TRexingInAsda · 03/08/2015 22:38

He shagged you BECAUSE he's an absolute fucking bastard. Now you're surprised that he's acting like a fucking bastard? What did you expect?

Peel your knickers off the floor, pick yourself up, and move on. And for God's sake LEARN SOMETHING: If they're a cunt to their gf to fuck you, then they are generally a cunt, and they will be a cunt to you too. Obviously.

TyrannosaurusBex · 03/08/2015 23:08

If you are the poster who had sex with an attached man with a new baby, it's simple - you're the kind of person who has sex with the attached father of a new baby. Who would want that? Not even the sleaze bag father himself.

FenellaFellorick · 03/08/2015 23:14

I thought you weren't wanting to sleep with him again? Why are you texting him?

Yes. He used you for sex. Leave him to his poor partner and their baby. Stop trying to contact him.
It's not the right thing to do.

SilverBirchWithout · 03/08/2015 23:15

When a man tells you who he is, by the manner in which he behaves towards other people in his life, LISTEN.

LemonCream · 03/08/2015 23:52

FFS. Very few people seem to know what the words "abuse" and "abuser" actually mean on this site. It is not synonymous with "dickhead", people.

It's going to lose any meaning if you keep overusing it Offred - and you do seem to be one of the most prolific users of the word.

Offred · 04/08/2015 00:05

Read a dictionary.

No it is not synonymous with dickhead.

If you don't view someone deliberately manipulating and using a vulnerable woman for sex as abusive I think you don't really understand the word.

Just because some people are understandably hurt by the op's situation and therefore unable to be sympathetic to it doesn't mean that isn't what he did.

I think it would be extremely helpful to people suffering all kinds of abuse if people generally threw away the idea of abusers as horrible, scary, obviously bad people. For the most part they really are 'just' dickheads and sometimes even seem extremely lovely from the outside.

Abuse is about harming people, often with an element of using any power you may have over someone to harm them.

MillieGreenEyes · 04/08/2015 00:13

I think you lot scared her off alright!

handfulofcottonbuds · 04/08/2015 00:17

Regardless of whether the OP is vulnerable or not, she came on here a few times asking wise MNers for advice before sleeping with him - right?

I haven't read the other threads but I can guess she got valuable, reasoned advice yet she still slept with a man who has a gf and a 5week old baby!

How vulnerable do you have to be to ignore what is right, sleep with a man who then rejects you and then continue to text him?

FWIW - I hope he leaves his gf and baby and gets together with the OP - his gf and child do not deserve this amount of deceit. It's them I have sympathy for.

MillieGreenEyes · 04/08/2015 00:19

I am not sure the advice is always valuable and reasoned though

notrocketscience · 04/08/2015 00:20

Louisedinah sorry confused2015 Let's all hope that you get your next period fairly pronto as I seem to remember you had unprotected sex.

Guess what? He's not going to stand by you if you are pregnant. His actions are those of a totally self centred selfish git.

You came on here looking for sympathy and got such a pasting the thread was removed. I doubt you'll get any this time around as you're still texting him. Silly girl.

handfulofcottonbuds · 04/08/2015 00:23

millie - as I said I hadn't read the other threads and I can guess there wasn't always valuable advice. BUT - when you come on here asking for advice about something like this and then go ahead and do it anyway and then ask for sympathy because you are sad - well, there's no hope for some people.

Offred · 04/08/2015 00:23

The advice was reasoned and supportive on the first thread in March. I think it was hugely ill advised to post so insensitively on this board the second time but I do think the op comes across as extremely vulnerable. This post is another silly plan too IMO - showing she's really resistant to the reality of the situation which really is just going to contribute to misery for everyone involved, except him who I think is the really bad guy in it all.