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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He used me for sex :-( feel so sad

255 replies

Confused2015xxx · 03/08/2015 16:32

A man persued my for years .
Charming and I was really attracted to him .
We text all the time and got on well .
Two weeks ago he came to mine and we had some drinks .We got on so well and really clicked .
I was just finishing my period and wasn't planning on having sex but he convinced me .
Anyway since he's hardly gave me the time of day .
He sent me a few messages but doesn't seem bothered about having a convo with me .
He told me he he loved me and stupidly I believed him .
We have known each other years .
I text Him 4 hours ago and no reply .
What did I do wrong ?
I feel really sad :-(
I'm not normally this stupid and niaeve but I hand on heart thought it was genuine .

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused2015xxx · 04/08/2015 12:09

If you mean gratification in causing others pain then no far from it.
I want to get a bit of self respect back and for him not to think I'm something I can use.
I have no idea how to do that now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused2015xxx · 04/08/2015 12:10

*He can use

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 04/08/2015 12:10

But you ignore every bit of advice.

The first thread 'I'm in love with someone who has a girlfriend and children'.. people told you NO don't go there.

The second thread 'i've had sex with the man' you were advised to block him, don't talk to him, get your self respect back and go seek some therapy, go get STI checked

Now this one 'I've text him and he's ignoring me'. What do you want? You ignore everything. Why should these posters who give fantastic advice keep putting time and effort into you when all you do is ignore and get yourself into a bigger mess.

Like Offred said I suspect a bit of masochism.

Original poster
Confused2015xxx · 04/08/2015 12:11

Bloody teenagers ..what are you even talking about ?

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 04/08/2015 12:11

What it's like, OP, is this:

You keep telling us your house is on fire. Oh no, we say. That's awful. Here's what to do: get yourself somewhere safe and call 999. My house is on fire again. Oh no. Place of safety and 999. And be careful this time! My house is on fire again. Oh. That's bad. Are you setting fire to it yourself? Are you leaving candles lit by the curtains. My house is on fire again. OH FOR FUCK SAKE WOMAN stop setting fire to your house.

19lottie82 · 04/08/2015 12:11

He told his gf he didn't want a baby and she was taking the pill .
She stopped talking it and got pregnant ( didn't tell him ) then whilst
they were apart text him saying " well your trapped now "

Is that what he told you? That text doesn't mean anything. Chances are it was just after a fight once she was pregnant.

if he really didn't want a baby then he should have rubbered up, shouldn't he?

PLEASE tell me you had the sense to use a condom when you slept with him?

I'm not making excuses for his behaviour.

Yes, you are.

Offred · 04/08/2015 12:11

I want advice because I'm trying to claw back a little of self respect.

Fair enough.

But you realise you can't keep asking for advice about how to stay dry in a rainstorm and refusing to act on it when people say 'go inside'. Eventually it becomes obvious people are going to be saying 'of course you are still wet, we told you a million times to go inside, please stop complaining about being wet if you want to be outside'.

Original poster
Confused2015xxx · 04/08/2015 12:12

You are free to suspect whatever you like,but you are very much wrong.
Your entitled to your opinions.
My head is totally screwed up at the minute and I have no idea what to think or believe.

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 04/08/2015 12:13

haha Offred, pretty much x-post!

Original poster
Confused2015xxx · 04/08/2015 12:14

No I'm not making excuses for him,well I don't mean to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused2015xxx · 04/08/2015 12:16

It's easy to say oh I would do this or that.
Until your in that situation.
If someone had said to me a few years ago "'you will fall for someone with a gf and baby and actually think he cares about you "
I would of laughed my back off

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 04/08/2015 12:17

Well what do you want us to say then? Welcome him in, with no condom (again) and let him do what he likes?

GraysAnalogy · 04/08/2015 12:17

I like how louis went with fire and Offred went with rain.

Offred · 04/08/2015 12:17

You are making excuses for him - his gf trapped him, he had a bad example of a father etc blah blah blah.

Anything but that he is a shit who is treating you like a mug (reality). Just like he treats every woman he has ever had anything to do with...

But no, he must have really meant what he said even though it doesn't make any sense and it is just what you want to believe.

You are not confused. What you are doing is trying to reconcile what you want to be true with what is really true when the two are mutually exclusive.

Offred · 04/08/2015 12:18

Ha lois and grays!

suitsyou · 04/08/2015 12:19

To clarify- this is LouiseDinah, or a name along those lines?

If you want self respect delete his number and block him now. Sheesh kebabs, you would have saved yourself all the hassle if you just followed advice in the first place.

A man who cheats on his GF with a five week old baby is hardly going to be a pillar of reliability is he.

awkward moment if I've gotten the wrong end of the stick

suitsyou · 04/08/2015 12:20

p.s still feel sorry for his GF

LoisPuddingLane · 04/08/2015 12:20

it's her, yes

Offred · 04/08/2015 12:20

No-one said this stuff was easy btw but from the outside it is like watching a car crash in slow motion it is so obvious...

If you ask for advice you need to be ready to accept hearing said advice and you can't keep asking for advice then doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. Especially when you have asked for advice, been given advice that would really help and ignored it.

Ahemily · 04/08/2015 12:22

Lois and Offred have nailed it!

LoisPuddingLane · 04/08/2015 12:22

Life isn't easy, mate. Have you not noticed? We all have to make choices. And hopefully they are choices that do the least damage. If you choose shitpantsfuckwit, you're doing a lot of damage.

Offred · 04/08/2015 12:24

You know if you are pg you are going to be another evil woman who trapped him into a baby don't you? Plus you'll also be an evil temptress who ruined his GF and 'real' DC's lives and he will make everyone hate you so that he can get away with not being responsible for anything - as he did with his first child and current gf.

I suspect you've allowed this to happen with you partly because you've allowed him to convince you that his GF 'deserves' it.

Offred · 04/08/2015 12:26

At some point if you want things to change you will have to accept that you are, and have always been, wrong about him and that we, are and have always been, right about him so whether you feel it or not, it would be better to act on what we say rather than how you feel. Better for you. We are trying to help you not harm you (or him which is I suspect what you think).

notrocketscience · 04/08/2015 12:26

It's called cognitive dissonance I think. When your core belief (sexual relations with someone else's man is wrong) is in conflict with another core belief (Well no man would tell me he loves me if he didn't would they and I love him so much).

His poor mum. She is trying to do the best here. Her deceased friend's daughter is clearly smitten with her son and willing to do almost anything to get him (have unprotected sex, be available and texting for more...). She says "keep away, he is bad news". She is also probably thinking of her grandson and his mother.

You won't listen to us but fgs please listen to his mum and back the hell off out of there*.

LoisPuddingLane · 04/08/2015 12:31

And please don't tell us:

a) that we do not understand
b) that you love him
c) that you're confused
d) that he isn't that bad really

Because it's all shit. Think about getting yourself to a place of safety. If not physically then mentally and emotionally. Put you first.