I'm honestly a little bit worried to be posting on this topic, based on some previous threads I've read through - but hey, I'm going to put myself out there because I need some different and honest perspectives.
I'm 29, and I've been together with my defacto for 7 years now.
When we first began dating (I at age 22, he at age 32), he had his two daughters (then 8 and 11) every second weekend, and Thursdays on alternate weeks. This arrangement worked fine, apart from that he worked on Saturdays and I would be left alone with the responsibility of looking after them until he returned home; which I discussed with him was unfair in light that he had sisters or his mother who could look after them, or his ex, who was unemployed. I was told that it was 'only the Saturday' and that 'they're young - they don't take much to look after'.
None-the-less, this care arrangement continued until about 3 years ago when the girl's mother gained casual retail employment, and my partner asked that we have the girls Thursday through to Monday morning each week for 'a little bit' to help her transition back to work. This was fine with me - in fact, I was super-willing because I was glad she was able to find work, and thought this might give her an activity which took up time that she would otherwise direct at her passive-aggressive meddling.
After 6 months or so I discussed scaling the visits back to every-other weekend, resulting in a 'what is wrong with you?' argument where I was made to feel like a monster.
In part, the reason attributed to their ages (then 12 and 15) - where they were messy, combative and bitchy with each other. The younger had frequent temper tantrums and a (well joked about by the family) "diva attitude". While I understand the developmental stage of the ages, and have been very patient with mediating the ongoing behaviour, it's simply exhausting to work Monday to Friday in a stressful corporate job and then spend my 'down time' dealing with more stress. I would start the following week at work more drained - and then the ensuing week of stress would pile on, and then the next weekend would come without release....
I tried to explain very reasonably to my partner that this stress was impacting on my diagnosed anxiety (which my partner is aware of) to which the response was that I 'blew things out of proportion' and 'needed to look at the big picture'.
Another factor was that as an on-call firefighter, my partner would frequently be paged away to incidents, and either be absent from the house in the only family car for hours at a time - or, he would be called away in the middle of a lunch while dining out, or in the middle of grocery shopping, and then I would be left, stranded with irritable and hormonal girls scrapping at each other until he returned. Often, I would try to explain to him that he didn't see a lot of the activity because he simply wasn't around a lot, and that, if he wasn't willing to book himself off for the weekend; that I felt that it was unfair for him to expect the girls to be here every weekend with the knowledge that he wouldn't be home with them to have quality time for the majority. When he is home, they sit on the couch and watch television, or all three of them sit glued to their individual i-Pad/mobile phone/laptop. Or in honesty, as an on-call firefighter, he takes time during the afternoon to nap on the couch, and isn't even awake.
The last factor is the case that I was aware that the girl's mother only worked for 15 hours a week, and of that, only 4 hours on a Saturday, with no employment on the Sundays. I tried to explain that in light of the other factors, why it couldn't be arranged for the girls to have alternate weekends with their mother as it wouldn't be the case that they would be sitting at home alone; their mother would be home with them. Being that the girls are at school during the week, it suprised me that their mother wouldn't want to have time during the weekend to be able to spend with them.
Yes, I know that I made a choice to have a relationship with a man who has children, and I feel that I've done a lot to foster a welcoming, nuturing environment where they want for nothing and have every opportunity available to them.
I don't necessarily agree with the notion that 'I've made my bed and have to lay in it' - in the sense that just because my partner has children means that I need to resign all my own entitlement to enjoy some 'child-free' weekends. I think just as I make compromises, that my partner should be more flexible in reaching a compromise for the things that are important to me too. The girl's mother frequently posts facebook updates about how she's 'enjoying a peaceful lazy sunday' or 'looking forward to tonight (Saturday)! Not like I have anything I have to get up early for tomorrow! drinks on me!' -
I don't understand how I sacrifice every weekend (my only down time) when their mother - who made the choices to have children - and who has 4 days every week "down time" where she gets her nails done, gets massages etc - seemingly gets to enjoy the social freedom of elective parental responsibility. It feels like role-reversal and I think this is very unfair. I've offered my partner for him to have the girls on two different days (eg have them on Wednesday and Thursday night) on alternate weekends, instead of the Friday and Saturday night - (returning to mom on the Sunday evening) but this hasn't happened.
I've even gotten to a point where I've said that I'd handle three weekends a month, just in desperation to know that I have that 'breathing space' for one weekend out of four - but the response is 'i'll think about it' and it doesn't eventuate.
After 3 years of this, I'm at a point where I don't know that I can stay in the relationship because of how drained I am, and how de-prioritised I feel. All I can think is that 'you only live once' - and I don't want a life where I constantly feel exhausted and taken advantage of while the girls biological parents skirt most of the responsibility. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?