Expectations: Step-children EVERY weekend

[Smurfette86]

I'm honestly a little bit worried to be posting on this topic, based on some previous threads I've read through - but hey, I'm going to put myself out there because I need some different and honest perspectives.

I'm 29, and I've been together with my defacto for 7 years now.
When we first began dating (I at age 22, he at age 32), he had his two daughters (then 8 and 11) every second weekend, and Thursdays on alternate weeks. This arrangement worked fine, apart from that he worked on Saturdays and I would be left alone with the responsibility of looking after them until he returned home; which I discussed with him was unfair in light that he had sisters or his mother who could look after them, or his ex, who was unemployed. I was told that it was 'only the Saturday' and that 'they're young - they don't take much to look after'.

None-the-less, this care arrangement continued until about 3 years ago when the girl's mother gained casual retail employment, and my partner asked that we have the girls Thursday through to Monday morning each week for 'a little bit' to help her transition back to work. This was fine with me - in fact, I was super-willing because I was glad she was able to find work, and thought this might give her an activity which took up time that she would otherwise direct at her passive-aggressive meddling.

After 6 months or so I discussed scaling the visits back to every-other weekend, resulting in a 'what is wrong with you?' argument where I was made to feel like a monster.

In part, the reason attributed to their ages (then 12 and 15) - where they were messy, combative and bitchy with each other. The younger had frequent temper tantrums and a (well joked about by the family) "diva attitude". While I understand the developmental stage of the ages, and have been very patient with mediating the ongoing behaviour, it's simply exhausting to work Monday to Friday in a stressful corporate job and then spend my 'down time' dealing with more stress. I would start the following week at work more drained - and then the ensuing week of stress would pile on, and then the next weekend would come without release....
I tried to explain very reasonably to my partner that this stress was impacting on my diagnosed anxiety (which my partner is aware of) to which the response was that I 'blew things out of proportion' and 'needed to look at the big picture'.

Another factor was that as an on-call firefighter, my partner would frequently be paged away to incidents, and either be absent from the house in the only family car for hours at a time - or, he would be called away in the middle of a lunch while dining out, or in the middle of grocery shopping, and then I would be left, stranded with irritable and hormonal girls scrapping at each other until he returned. Often, I would try to explain to him that he didn't see a lot of the activity because he simply wasn't around a lot, and that, if he wasn't willing to book himself off for the weekend; that I felt that it was unfair for him to expect the girls to be here every weekend with the knowledge that he wouldn't be home with them to have quality time for the majority. When he is home, they sit on the couch and watch television, or all three of them sit glued to their individual i-Pad/mobile phone/laptop. Or in honesty, as an on-call firefighter, he takes time during the afternoon to nap on the couch, and isn't even awake.

The last factor is the case that I was aware that the girl's mother only worked for 15 hours a week, and of that, only 4 hours on a Saturday, with no employment on the Sundays. I tried to explain that in light of the other factors, why it couldn't be arranged for the girls to have alternate weekends with their mother as it wouldn't be the case that they would be sitting at home alone; their mother would be home with them. Being that the girls are at school during the week, it suprised me that their mother wouldn't want to have time during the weekend to be able to spend with them.

Yes, I know that I made a choice to have a relationship with a man who has children, and I feel that I've done a lot to foster a welcoming, nuturing environment where they want for nothing and have every opportunity available to them.

I don't necessarily agree with the notion that 'I've made my bed and have to lay in it' - in the sense that just because my partner has children means that I need to resign all my own entitlement to enjoy some 'child-free' weekends. I think just as I make compromises, that my partner should be more flexible in reaching a compromise for the things that are important to me too. The girl's mother frequently posts facebook updates about how she's 'enjoying a peaceful lazy sunday' or 'looking forward to tonight (Saturday)! Not like I have anything I have to get up early for tomorrow! drinks on me!' -

I don't understand how I sacrifice every weekend (my only down time) when their mother - who made the choices to have children - and who has 4 days every week "down time" where she gets her nails done, gets massages etc - seemingly gets to enjoy the social freedom of elective parental responsibility. It feels like role-reversal and I think this is very unfair. I've offered my partner for him to have the girls on two different days (eg have them on Wednesday and Thursday night) on alternate weekends, instead of the Friday and Saturday night - (returning to mom on the Sunday evening) but this hasn't happened.
I've even gotten to a point where I've said that I'd handle three weekends a month, just in desperation to know that I have that 'breathing space' for one weekend out of four - but the response is 'i'll think about it' and it doesn't eventuate.

After 3 years of this, I'm at a point where I don't know that I can stay in the relationship because of how drained I am, and how de-prioritised I feel. All I can think is that 'you only live once' - and I don't want a life where I constantly feel exhausted and taken advantage of while the girls biological parents skirt most of the responsibility. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?

[Decoratingdisasters]

You're massively being taken for granted and taken advantage of even.
Him choosing to look after his kids every weekend is up to him, but leaving you to mind them and split up their arguments when he's at work/sleeping on the sofa is ridiculously out of order. He actually couldn't look after them every weekend without you-you are facilitating this. Before leaving him, I would try making yourself completely unavailable at the weekends, plan things with friends etc. Then he can see for himself how unavailable he actually is to look after his girls. If nothing changes/ issues arise, I would be leaving him. The way you're being treated is hugely unfair. You really have my empathy here xx

[deste]

If you and him were not together what would his options be. You are the nanny and his responses to you mean he doesn’t even care. Time to rethink but I know what mine would be.

[Meckity1]

Somebody's digging up old threads about step issues.

But I'm sure they're doing it from a place of love /s

[Notagainmun]

Zombie thread

[Flisspaps]

@fernvilla why have you resurrected a 2.5 year old thread?

[fernvilla]

The relationship comes with baggage. If you can’t cope with the baggage then get out. Ultimately it’s his responsibility not yours. You’re being used as the free babysitting service. No man is worth staying for if you can’t deal with his baggage of kids.

[Cocalite]

You need to get all your feelings out completely and honestly

[BoneyBackJefferson]

I sort of agree with Bathtime but I think that you are being exploited by both parents.

[Stormtreader]

This is a "squeaky wheel gets the grease" situation - you've tried to put even a small bit of the load back onto your DP's ex, and she squeaked and squeaked LOUD, so you all backed away and she merrily carried on doing exactly as she pleased.

If you want your voice to be heard, you have to make it unavoidably clear that your displeasure will be more uncomfortable than hers. Decide what you need and what seems fair to you, sit your DP down and tell him calmly and clearly that this is now how things are going to be, and what the consequences will be if they are not, and be prepared to be called on it. Previous posters are right, everyone but you has things exactly the way they want them, and have no interest in any changes that are just for your benefit. You have to make them care.

[maxxytoe]

I'd be annoyed too if I had a weekend off and my partners children were round whinging and mithering when their dad wasn't there !
Youre being used by this man and the kids mum

[BathtimeFunkster]

You've been used and exploited by this man for far too long.

You are only 29 FFS!

There's a whole world out there for you to explore and enjoy without having two much older people use you as their skivvy.

[AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain]

OP come back!

[Mygardenistoobig]

Agree with most posters. Your dp is using you, I wonder if this relationship is worth it for you op .

[OooMatron]

You've got all the shit bits of family life without giving birth. You need to go out at the weekend, if you have a corporate job, there must be some scope for time away?? If not - make some! Go away with a friend or two to a spa or somewhere nice

[Walkacrossthesand]

I hope so, for her sake!

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

On a flight to Rome?

[Walkacrossthesand]

OP hasn't been seen since she posted 12 hours ago

[OTheHugeManatee]

You've been taken for a ride, OP. For all I know your partner may have the arse of a Greek god but that can only compensate for so long for his treating you like an unpaid skivvy.

I would seriously consider moving out while you're still young enough to find someone who respects you as an equal, to raise your own children with.

[Mrsjayy]

Isnt there for sorry does the 18yr old still want to come with her sister could they do alternate weekends be a bit more peaceful

[BleachEverything]

It sounds horrible and definitely not something I would ever entertain.

[Mrsjayy]

You are the babysitter to 2 teenagers that your dp is there for anyway it sounds tough tbh i dont know what i would do they are old enough to be left i would go out and leave them to bicker dont referee them either

[13months]

OP says she has done a lot to foster a welcoming, nurturing environment where they want for nothing

Have you been a victim of your own success - do the girls want to be with you rather than with their DM? At this age they can go and stay where they like.

Are you picking up after everyone here - doing all the donkey work? At this age they should be doing an equal share and recognise that they are part of a team.

[Isetan]

You've been had because his personal convenience is his priority. His supposed flexibility with regards to childcare arrangements have been entirely dependent on your unquestioning availability. They are now too old for childcare but your partner still prefers to use you as the 'on call' parent because it's still so damn convenient for him. He obviously doesn't value your opinions or feelings when they conflict with his and it will only stop when you stop being so compliant.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

"Well, if that's the case, the question begs what on EARTH would you be doing in a relationship with someone with kids?!"

Under normal circs kids generally spend some time with both parents. In this particular circ the OP never has a single weekend without the kids around. And hasn't for three bloody years. Weekends are her only free time, it's not like she works shifts where she could have some alone-time or couple-time with her partner now and then. Her only opportunity is a week-night on Mon-Weds, after a full day's work. He's been using her ruthlessly and is continuing to do so. Fuck that!

The kids might be very nice to be around but that's not the point.

[merrymouse]

You can't just expect them to ditch them when it suits.

Except both the partner and the ex-wife are very much ditching them on the op.