Expectations: Step-children EVERY weekend

[Smurfette86]

I'm honestly a little bit worried to be posting on this topic, based on some previous threads I've read through - but hey, I'm going to put myself out there because I need some different and honest perspectives.

I'm 29, and I've been together with my defacto for 7 years now.
When we first began dating (I at age 22, he at age 32), he had his two daughters (then 8 and 11) every second weekend, and Thursdays on alternate weeks. This arrangement worked fine, apart from that he worked on Saturdays and I would be left alone with the responsibility of looking after them until he returned home; which I discussed with him was unfair in light that he had sisters or his mother who could look after them, or his ex, who was unemployed. I was told that it was 'only the Saturday' and that 'they're young - they don't take much to look after'.

None-the-less, this care arrangement continued until about 3 years ago when the girl's mother gained casual retail employment, and my partner asked that we have the girls Thursday through to Monday morning each week for 'a little bit' to help her transition back to work. This was fine with me - in fact, I was super-willing because I was glad she was able to find work, and thought this might give her an activity which took up time that she would otherwise direct at her passive-aggressive meddling.

After 6 months or so I discussed scaling the visits back to every-other weekend, resulting in a 'what is wrong with you?' argument where I was made to feel like a monster.

In part, the reason attributed to their ages (then 12 and 15) - where they were messy, combative and bitchy with each other. The younger had frequent temper tantrums and a (well joked about by the family) "diva attitude". While I understand the developmental stage of the ages, and have been very patient with mediating the ongoing behaviour, it's simply exhausting to work Monday to Friday in a stressful corporate job and then spend my 'down time' dealing with more stress. I would start the following week at work more drained - and then the ensuing week of stress would pile on, and then the next weekend would come without release....
I tried to explain very reasonably to my partner that this stress was impacting on my diagnosed anxiety (which my partner is aware of) to which the response was that I 'blew things out of proportion' and 'needed to look at the big picture'.

Another factor was that as an on-call firefighter, my partner would frequently be paged away to incidents, and either be absent from the house in the only family car for hours at a time - or, he would be called away in the middle of a lunch while dining out, or in the middle of grocery shopping, and then I would be left, stranded with irritable and hormonal girls scrapping at each other until he returned. Often, I would try to explain to him that he didn't see a lot of the activity because he simply wasn't around a lot, and that, if he wasn't willing to book himself off for the weekend; that I felt that it was unfair for him to expect the girls to be here every weekend with the knowledge that he wouldn't be home with them to have quality time for the majority. When he is home, they sit on the couch and watch television, or all three of them sit glued to their individual i-Pad/mobile phone/laptop. Or in honesty, as an on-call firefighter, he takes time during the afternoon to nap on the couch, and isn't even awake.

The last factor is the case that I was aware that the girl's mother only worked for 15 hours a week, and of that, only 4 hours on a Saturday, with no employment on the Sundays. I tried to explain that in light of the other factors, why it couldn't be arranged for the girls to have alternate weekends with their mother as it wouldn't be the case that they would be sitting at home alone; their mother would be home with them. Being that the girls are at school during the week, it suprised me that their mother wouldn't want to have time during the weekend to be able to spend with them.

Yes, I know that I made a choice to have a relationship with a man who has children, and I feel that I've done a lot to foster a welcoming, nuturing environment where they want for nothing and have every opportunity available to them.

I don't necessarily agree with the notion that 'I've made my bed and have to lay in it' - in the sense that just because my partner has children means that I need to resign all my own entitlement to enjoy some 'child-free' weekends. I think just as I make compromises, that my partner should be more flexible in reaching a compromise for the things that are important to me too. The girl's mother frequently posts facebook updates about how she's 'enjoying a peaceful lazy sunday' or 'looking forward to tonight (Saturday)! Not like I have anything I have to get up early for tomorrow! drinks on me!' -

I don't understand how I sacrifice every weekend (my only down time) when their mother - who made the choices to have children - and who has 4 days every week "down time" where she gets her nails done, gets massages etc - seemingly gets to enjoy the social freedom of elective parental responsibility. It feels like role-reversal and I think this is very unfair. I've offered my partner for him to have the girls on two different days (eg have them on Wednesday and Thursday night) on alternate weekends, instead of the Friday and Saturday night - (returning to mom on the Sunday evening) but this hasn't happened.
I've even gotten to a point where I've said that I'd handle three weekends a month, just in desperation to know that I have that 'breathing space' for one weekend out of four - but the response is 'i'll think about it' and it doesn't eventuate.

After 3 years of this, I'm at a point where I don't know that I can stay in the relationship because of how drained I am, and how de-prioritised I feel. All I can think is that 'you only live once' - and I don't want a life where I constantly feel exhausted and taken advantage of while the girls biological parents skirt most of the responsibility. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?

[Bonsoir]

OK, Queen - you don't have a clue, by your own admission.

[GrumpyOldBiddy2]

Oh Queen. If you don't know, don't comment. It's not hard.

[Queenofwands]

Unless your own parents divorced as a child and you had to interact with one parent and their new family.... you don't have a clue either. It is one thing to be a step parent and another to have one.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

They may not need looking after as such, but they need beds changing, food in the cupboards, lifts, listening ear etc. OP isnt saying they are not welcome, she just wants their parents to step up, do she can rest and enjoy her free time, like their parents do.

[GrumpyOldBiddy2]

Absolutely Queen, and from your post - you appear to be neither.

[DeckSwabber]

Queen it seems to me that it is the parents who are letting down their children. I agree that no child should feel unwelcome, which is why the parents should both be making more time for their own children, and not leaving the OP to step in as a default whenever they have stuff to do, not just occasionally, but every weekend.

[MythicalKings]

He and his ex are taking the piss. next time he says he has to leave mid weekend tell him to drop his kids off at his wife's on the way.

[MythicalKings]

*ex-wife's

[Queenofwands]

Oh forgive the childless harridan for having an opinion. I have had 3 partners in this situation. One aged 16 who I lived through it with and witnessed the shit way they were treated first hand ...they were still a child. With the other two I just picked up the emotional pieces later on.
Of course I know nothing! My life experience as a 43 year old woman with a very large extended family and a wide network of friends is irrelevant, I have never given birth.

[PurpleSwirl]

Sorry to be harsh, but am I missing something? Why do you feel you have to stay in and 'babysit' an EIGHTEEN year old young adult?!
You chose to start a relationship with someone with kids. Bit sucky to say you don't want them around every weekend. It's their Dad.
If they lived with you full time, which they'd be entitled to do, you'd see a lot more of them.
If you don't want children in the picture, why are you with him?

[Queenofwands]

You are missing the point. She is not looking after them. They are hanging out in her house and she is free to go out at any time. They are 18 and 15, she just doesn't want them there. She may have looked after them in the past but she isn't now. She wants them to stop coming around and getting under her feet.

[rookiemere]

For those asking why this is cropping up now rather than when the DCs were younger and presumably more work, it's interesting as a number of friends of mine whose partners have DCs have split up just as the children reach maturity.

It maybe because the partner naively thought that once the DCs were grown up then their needs would take priority, then find out this is not the case.

Or perhaps it's taking a look at the relationship without the children and realizing that there's not much there.

Anyway I'm bemused by the posters who say that taking care of teenagers isn't much work. I don't have a teen myself but my SIL says it's hard work and aren't there threads all over and an entire section about that aspect of parenting. I know from going on holiday with my SIL's lot that teens and young adults are blinkin hard - expect to be treated as adults but don't want to take on adult responsibilities such as cooking or tidying up after themselves.

[Queenofwands]

Purple Swirl....exactly what if they wanted to live with their Dad full time?

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Just a thought

but

maybe the problem isn't the ages of the children but the entitlement that they feel to be waited on hand and foot.

[PurpleSwirl]

They are hanging out in her house and she is free to go out at any time. They are 18 and 15, she just doesn't want them there. She may have looked after them in the past but she isn't now. She wants them to stop coming around and getting under her feet.

That's definitely how it's coming across here too. At the age of 18, they don't need babysitting, so where's the problem? You can please yourself by going out, or staying in and watching telly.
There's no other way to interpret that OP just doesn't want them there all the time.
They're your DP's CHILDREN. Their Dad. Who they have every right to see.

[GrumpyOldBiddy2]

Queen, that's some impressive rewriting of the OP.

She's fed up because she is the only one who is staying at home to make sure the kids are OK. FWIW I agree that at that age they don't need babysitting but perhaps they want to spend time with a parent figure. To feel valued. And it sounds like she's the only person trying to make this happen.

OP, I agree that you should take some time out for yourself, make yourself a regular routine where you do get space, that can be as long as you want.

[rookiemere]

Er but it will be kind of hard for them to see their DF if he isn't actually there. I don't think there would be an issue at all if the DF was on hand to be with his DDs but that is not the case.

In the OP it states that he has the option to book himself out of weekend shifts, but has chosen not to, meaning that he's either out on call or asleep on the sofa. Then presumably he gets lots of jolly, quiet time to himself during the week when everyone else is out, not having to cope with two battling teens and making sure they are fed/watered/running them to activities.

But as he is aman and a firefighter to boot, I guess his life choices aren't as open to criticism as the OPs.

[merrymouse]

I very much doubt that either the DP or his children are cleaning, cooking, shopping or doing their own laundry.

[PurpleSwirl]

Er but it will be kind of hard for them to see their DF if he isn't actually there. I don't think there would be an issue at all if the DF was on hand to be with his DDs but that is not the case.

But why does the OP feel uncomfortable with them being around in their Dad's (their) home all the time? It's their home too. Why should they be expected to make themselves scarce every other weekend?

[avocadosarentmiddleclassed]

Be compassionate with yourself you're doing a great job and this situation is temporary as one day they'll be grown ups. I feel your pain I really do- try to stay strong and just get through it and DEMAND support from your DH good luck :)

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

The partner asked that they have the girls Thursday through to Monday morning each week for 'a little bit'. That little bit has lasted THREE LONG YEARS. And her trying to discuss changing the arrangement was met with hostility.

I don't think anyone would relish having teens who they are not related to under their feet and cramping their style every single weekend. The poor OP only gets three work-nights a week on her own with her partner. Big fucking deal!

I suspect this partner is so keen to keep the present arrangement because it means he hasn't needed to provide any child-support for all this time

[merrymouse]

I think this is more similar to a "my partner expects me to do everything while he puts his feet up" thread than a "my step children are a nightmare thread", except the children's mother is taking the piss too.

A minority of posters don't seem to have twigged that, never mind the op, the children/teenagers' own parents don't want to spend any time with them.

[PurpleSwirl]

I don't think anyone would relish having teens who they are not related to under their feet and cramping their style every single weekend.

Well, if that's the case, the question begs what on EARTH would you be doing in a relationship with someone with kids?!
If that's the way you (general you) feel in that having non related kids around is 'getting under your feet', then surely you'd be better off in a relationship with someone who isn't a parent?
You can't just expect them to ditch them when it suits.