Expectations: Step-children EVERY weekend

[Smurfette86]

I'm honestly a little bit worried to be posting on this topic, based on some previous threads I've read through - but hey, I'm going to put myself out there because I need some different and honest perspectives.

I'm 29, and I've been together with my defacto for 7 years now.
When we first began dating (I at age 22, he at age 32), he had his two daughters (then 8 and 11) every second weekend, and Thursdays on alternate weeks. This arrangement worked fine, apart from that he worked on Saturdays and I would be left alone with the responsibility of looking after them until he returned home; which I discussed with him was unfair in light that he had sisters or his mother who could look after them, or his ex, who was unemployed. I was told that it was 'only the Saturday' and that 'they're young - they don't take much to look after'.

None-the-less, this care arrangement continued until about 3 years ago when the girl's mother gained casual retail employment, and my partner asked that we have the girls Thursday through to Monday morning each week for 'a little bit' to help her transition back to work. This was fine with me - in fact, I was super-willing because I was glad she was able to find work, and thought this might give her an activity which took up time that she would otherwise direct at her passive-aggressive meddling.

After 6 months or so I discussed scaling the visits back to every-other weekend, resulting in a 'what is wrong with you?' argument where I was made to feel like a monster.

In part, the reason attributed to their ages (then 12 and 15) - where they were messy, combative and bitchy with each other. The younger had frequent temper tantrums and a (well joked about by the family) "diva attitude". While I understand the developmental stage of the ages, and have been very patient with mediating the ongoing behaviour, it's simply exhausting to work Monday to Friday in a stressful corporate job and then spend my 'down time' dealing with more stress. I would start the following week at work more drained - and then the ensuing week of stress would pile on, and then the next weekend would come without release....
I tried to explain very reasonably to my partner that this stress was impacting on my diagnosed anxiety (which my partner is aware of) to which the response was that I 'blew things out of proportion' and 'needed to look at the big picture'.

Another factor was that as an on-call firefighter, my partner would frequently be paged away to incidents, and either be absent from the house in the only family car for hours at a time - or, he would be called away in the middle of a lunch while dining out, or in the middle of grocery shopping, and then I would be left, stranded with irritable and hormonal girls scrapping at each other until he returned. Often, I would try to explain to him that he didn't see a lot of the activity because he simply wasn't around a lot, and that, if he wasn't willing to book himself off for the weekend; that I felt that it was unfair for him to expect the girls to be here every weekend with the knowledge that he wouldn't be home with them to have quality time for the majority. When he is home, they sit on the couch and watch television, or all three of them sit glued to their individual i-Pad/mobile phone/laptop. Or in honesty, as an on-call firefighter, he takes time during the afternoon to nap on the couch, and isn't even awake.

The last factor is the case that I was aware that the girl's mother only worked for 15 hours a week, and of that, only 4 hours on a Saturday, with no employment on the Sundays. I tried to explain that in light of the other factors, why it couldn't be arranged for the girls to have alternate weekends with their mother as it wouldn't be the case that they would be sitting at home alone; their mother would be home with them. Being that the girls are at school during the week, it suprised me that their mother wouldn't want to have time during the weekend to be able to spend with them.

Yes, I know that I made a choice to have a relationship with a man who has children, and I feel that I've done a lot to foster a welcoming, nuturing environment where they want for nothing and have every opportunity available to them.

I don't necessarily agree with the notion that 'I've made my bed and have to lay in it' - in the sense that just because my partner has children means that I need to resign all my own entitlement to enjoy some 'child-free' weekends. I think just as I make compromises, that my partner should be more flexible in reaching a compromise for the things that are important to me too. The girl's mother frequently posts facebook updates about how she's 'enjoying a peaceful lazy sunday' or 'looking forward to tonight (Saturday)! Not like I have anything I have to get up early for tomorrow! drinks on me!' -

I don't understand how I sacrifice every weekend (my only down time) when their mother - who made the choices to have children - and who has 4 days every week "down time" where she gets her nails done, gets massages etc - seemingly gets to enjoy the social freedom of elective parental responsibility. It feels like role-reversal and I think this is very unfair. I've offered my partner for him to have the girls on two different days (eg have them on Wednesday and Thursday night) on alternate weekends, instead of the Friday and Saturday night - (returning to mom on the Sunday evening) but this hasn't happened.
I've even gotten to a point where I've said that I'd handle three weekends a month, just in desperation to know that I have that 'breathing space' for one weekend out of four - but the response is 'i'll think about it' and it doesn't eventuate.

After 3 years of this, I'm at a point where I don't know that I can stay in the relationship because of how drained I am, and how de-prioritised I feel. All I can think is that 'you only live once' - and I don't want a life where I constantly feel exhausted and taken advantage of while the girls biological parents skirt most of the responsibility. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?

[CookieDoughKid]

Bottom line.. You are with him. If you are serious about being with him then you'll be a coparent to these girls. And its a huge responsibility and thankless task. You'll inevitably have your personal time eaten into. Unless your dp makes arrangements otherwise, nothing nothing is going to change unless you make yourself unavailable. Literally disappear so you can't even be called or relied upon. Something drastic needs to happen for your dp to same up to the fact He needs to talk to his ex about childcare arrangements.

I'm feel your future with this man is bleak. The children relationship and how they view their father is at stake and ultimately, he will always choose them over you.

I would leave and live on your own without him so that you can gain some control back into your life.

[PennyHassett]

I think he is using the excuse of part-time fire fighter to shirk his responsibilities.

Yes, it can be inconvenient at time (DH was day-crewing at one point and was on-call weekends and evenings) and we were stuck within one mile radius of the fire station, but he didn't need to nap every afternoon. Let him entertain his children at home while you go out. They are old enough to stay at home alone if he gets called out.

[AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain]

It sounds as if you are a very convenient babysitter.

Why though at 15 and 18 do you need to be there if he gets called out? Surely you can leave them to it and go out? What are you wanting out of your life op? Do you want children? With him? You'll only be doing the same but with your own dc to add to the mix.

[AngryPrincess]

Yep, sucky situation. Make yourself busy. Do yourself a favour and stop following or even block his ex on facebook.

[GoEasyJulia]

No way would I be spending every weekend minding children while BOTH of their parents are elsewhere.
I understand that step parenting is hard but OP is definitely being taken advantage of here.

[Rebecca2014]

This is very silly, you have two step children who are at the ages where they can entertain themselves. I would just walk away and leave them to it. He is called away, so? they are old enough to be in the house alone. I really do not see the problem here?

Also I would now throw your resentment at the mother.

[goddessofsmallthings]

I wouldnb't be surprised if his passive-aggressive meddling ex sought advice from this site as to how best to upset your relationship.

I don't the sound of your partner either and, quite apart from the hours of unpaid childcare you've put in, I'm wondering how much you contribute financially to the upkeep of his dc?

If you don't intend to LTB, either take yourself off to stay with friends/family from Friday through to Sunday night/Monday morning, book a series of weekends away pursuing your interests, or rent a room in a shared flat/house and make sure he doesn't have the address so that you can spend your downtime in peace.

[jellybeans]

I have two girls the same ages. Teenagers are hard enough when they are your own. I have a drama queen stroppy one too (uni very soon!). I think your DP is taking the Mick. They are old enough to be on their own but maybe used to being 'looked after' and they do still need parental input at this age, some can even go quite needy for constant attention. Does your DH need the money/experience from the part time fire job? Or could he be doing that to 'escape' ? After all teens can be hard work, much harder than younger DC in my experience.

[ImperialBlether]

I really don't want to be cruel, but please don't think this man will have children with you. He's gone right through to adulthood with his children; he's not going to start again now.

Those of you who are saying that the OP should go out and leave these teenagers alone - maybe she wants to stay in on her own?

[Melonfool]

Why do a 15 and 18yo need childcare'?

dss is 14 and if he is with me (as he will be two days this week), he goes out on his own, I go out and do things without him.....

Doing the laundry, cleaning, meals etc is frustrating, but I tend to leave quite a bit of that to DP as it's his son.

[MrsJorahMormont]

You have been completely insane to put up with this for so long. I hate your DP for doing this to you and I haven't even met him.

This man is not a prize and he has shown how he will behave as a father. Walk away and start afresh. Men like this don't change.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Yes, that exactly IB but, from what the OP has said, there seems to be very little chance of her being able to relax in her own home at weekends as her dp has firmly rejected any notion that his 15 and 18 year old dds spend more time with their dm as she works four hours on Saturdays and he/she won't accept that the precious pets can be left alone.

It occurs to me the OP may also fear what her sdds may get up to if she spends large chunks of time away... rooting through their dsm's wardrobe/toiletries/jewellery box may be on the agenda if the devil makes work for idle hands and there's always the possibility that her dp may be called out to a fire at his home if an argument ensues while they're cooking or similar.

All we can be certain of is that should the OP have dc of her own with her dp he's not going to be a hands-on df and, in years to come, she'll no doubt be required to share her home with his dc and their bf/dhs and his dgc whenever it suits them.

I can't help but conclude you've been a mug, OP. The things we do for love, eh? Start loving yourself, honey, because your dp has got no concern for your welfare.

[Croatianmum]

I admire you for actually taking so much upon yourself.I would agree with you,there should be some compromise with the ex wife but this has been going for too long that i doubt she will be willing to change anything.
You should make yourself very busy weekends for short period of time and see how things will work out between DP and ex wife in sense of agreement about girls.
It's very hard,girls are at that very difficult stage of growing up and they will notice strain (they probably feel already) but you can't be nanny all the time.
Yes,you knew that DP is coming with his children BUT everyone should be ideally on the same page and open to communication.
The thing is also girls are quite big ,especially 18year old one.She doesn't have hobbies or friends? Also 15 year old really wants to spend time indoor?
I would find them hobbies to keep them busy and more independent.

[Croatianmum]

ps. I didn't read rest of the thread

[AngryPrincess]

I really think you need a holiday. Can you get some time off work? If not book something for the next few weekends, (alone, with girlfriends).

[AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain]

It seems like both the ex and your dh see you as default child care. As much as you knew what you were taking on, it appears that both seems to be absolving responsibility because you're there. What would your DH do if you weren't? It seems to be a 'it's ok smurfette is here' attitude. Which isn't fair and totally takes you for granted.

[BoxOfKittens]

You've done more than your fair share by the sounds of it. One of these children is now legally an adult. They could stay home by themselves allowing you to do as you please, or make their own way to your house on public transport when their dad is home.

[merrymouse]

I think your op should really be "sole carer for stepchildren EVERY weekend". Even if you were their mother and still with their father you would be a bit miffed at always being left with the children - you seem to be being used by both their parents!

Teenagers still need parenting, and still need to feel at home in their home, but their parents should be facilitating this, not you!

[merrymouse]

You seem to have spent your twenties as an unpaid nanny - what is this man bringing to the relationship apart from snoozing on the sofa?

[Queenofwands]

Isn't the truth that the two young women like to stay with their Dad at weekends and you don't want them there? You don't want to share your home and your partner with them Saturday and Sunday? I can't help but think the way you speak about two girls you have spent so much time with is distant and cold. You don't seem to have any affection for these girls despite saying you have been so active in bringing them up. I wouldn't want you looking after my kids as I find it odd you haven't bonded with them at all. I am not going to ask if it was you who broke up the family....but if it was then you have got what you went looking for. It's not the kids fault their parents divorced.

[merrymouse]

Actually I think the parents have got what they were looking for - an au pair.

[saintlyjimjams]

At 15 & 18 leave them to get on with whatever they want to do & go & do whatever you want to do. They don't need childcare

[Mehitabel6]

They are now old enough to be fine in their own- take a share in cooking etc- and you can go out and do your own thing. Surely they go out with friends for much of that time? What is the 18yr old doing after the summer? You have been doing it all for 7 yrs and now it is easing off.

[Bonsoir]

Obviously the situation is completely out of control: both parents free to come and go at weekends and OP the nanny.

[Queenofwands]

Why should two girls who are old enough to choose where they spend time, not stay with their Dad? I would have thought it was their home as well considering they share custody. Of course their dad is going to go out and do other things when they are staying at the weekend. Just as would happen if they lived with their parents. But the truth this shines a light on is that Dad's house ( or Mums house for that matter dependant on circumstances) is not home. I don't have children but I feel so sorry for the poor kids who are shunted off to a house for weekends where they can sense the new partners resentment. Having said that we all know of wonderful step parents who adore their step children. OP was only 22 so was never going to be like that....I will say they are choosing to spend time there so she must be hiding her true feelings for them very well.