Expectations: Step-children EVERY weekend

[Smurfette86]

I'm honestly a little bit worried to be posting on this topic, based on some previous threads I've read through - but hey, I'm going to put myself out there because I need some different and honest perspectives.

I'm 29, and I've been together with my defacto for 7 years now.
When we first began dating (I at age 22, he at age 32), he had his two daughters (then 8 and 11) every second weekend, and Thursdays on alternate weeks. This arrangement worked fine, apart from that he worked on Saturdays and I would be left alone with the responsibility of looking after them until he returned home; which I discussed with him was unfair in light that he had sisters or his mother who could look after them, or his ex, who was unemployed. I was told that it was 'only the Saturday' and that 'they're young - they don't take much to look after'.

None-the-less, this care arrangement continued until about 3 years ago when the girl's mother gained casual retail employment, and my partner asked that we have the girls Thursday through to Monday morning each week for 'a little bit' to help her transition back to work. This was fine with me - in fact, I was super-willing because I was glad she was able to find work, and thought this might give her an activity which took up time that she would otherwise direct at her passive-aggressive meddling.

After 6 months or so I discussed scaling the visits back to every-other weekend, resulting in a 'what is wrong with you?' argument where I was made to feel like a monster.

In part, the reason attributed to their ages (then 12 and 15) - where they were messy, combative and bitchy with each other. The younger had frequent temper tantrums and a (well joked about by the family) "diva attitude". While I understand the developmental stage of the ages, and have been very patient with mediating the ongoing behaviour, it's simply exhausting to work Monday to Friday in a stressful corporate job and then spend my 'down time' dealing with more stress. I would start the following week at work more drained - and then the ensuing week of stress would pile on, and then the next weekend would come without release....
I tried to explain very reasonably to my partner that this stress was impacting on my diagnosed anxiety (which my partner is aware of) to which the response was that I 'blew things out of proportion' and 'needed to look at the big picture'.

Another factor was that as an on-call firefighter, my partner would frequently be paged away to incidents, and either be absent from the house in the only family car for hours at a time - or, he would be called away in the middle of a lunch while dining out, or in the middle of grocery shopping, and then I would be left, stranded with irritable and hormonal girls scrapping at each other until he returned. Often, I would try to explain to him that he didn't see a lot of the activity because he simply wasn't around a lot, and that, if he wasn't willing to book himself off for the weekend; that I felt that it was unfair for him to expect the girls to be here every weekend with the knowledge that he wouldn't be home with them to have quality time for the majority. When he is home, they sit on the couch and watch television, or all three of them sit glued to their individual i-Pad/mobile phone/laptop. Or in honesty, as an on-call firefighter, he takes time during the afternoon to nap on the couch, and isn't even awake.

The last factor is the case that I was aware that the girl's mother only worked for 15 hours a week, and of that, only 4 hours on a Saturday, with no employment on the Sundays. I tried to explain that in light of the other factors, why it couldn't be arranged for the girls to have alternate weekends with their mother as it wouldn't be the case that they would be sitting at home alone; their mother would be home with them. Being that the girls are at school during the week, it suprised me that their mother wouldn't want to have time during the weekend to be able to spend with them.

Yes, I know that I made a choice to have a relationship with a man who has children, and I feel that I've done a lot to foster a welcoming, nuturing environment where they want for nothing and have every opportunity available to them.

I don't necessarily agree with the notion that 'I've made my bed and have to lay in it' - in the sense that just because my partner has children means that I need to resign all my own entitlement to enjoy some 'child-free' weekends. I think just as I make compromises, that my partner should be more flexible in reaching a compromise for the things that are important to me too. The girl's mother frequently posts facebook updates about how she's 'enjoying a peaceful lazy sunday' or 'looking forward to tonight (Saturday)! Not like I have anything I have to get up early for tomorrow! drinks on me!' -

I don't understand how I sacrifice every weekend (my only down time) when their mother - who made the choices to have children - and who has 4 days every week "down time" where she gets her nails done, gets massages etc - seemingly gets to enjoy the social freedom of elective parental responsibility. It feels like role-reversal and I think this is very unfair. I've offered my partner for him to have the girls on two different days (eg have them on Wednesday and Thursday night) on alternate weekends, instead of the Friday and Saturday night - (returning to mom on the Sunday evening) but this hasn't happened.
I've even gotten to a point where I've said that I'd handle three weekends a month, just in desperation to know that I have that 'breathing space' for one weekend out of four - but the response is 'i'll think about it' and it doesn't eventuate.

After 3 years of this, I'm at a point where I don't know that I can stay in the relationship because of how drained I am, and how de-prioritised I feel. All I can think is that 'you only live once' - and I don't want a life where I constantly feel exhausted and taken advantage of while the girls biological parents skirt most of the responsibility. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?

I wouldn't do this and I have DCs of my own, certainly no way I'd be unpaid childcare for my DP's DCs every weekend if I didn't even have my own to look after.

I'm afraid he's taking the piss. Yes the DCs could be with you full time and they all have every right to arrange this, however, if it doesn't suit you and your DP doesn't care, then you should seriously reassess this relationship.

I don't mind doing the odd day for my DP, but tbh it is much harder work looking after someone else's DCs than your own, especially if they are stroppy teens! If he is napping or working then it really doesn't matter whether they are with him or mum (or indeed home alone at that age) - absolutely no reason why it has become your responsibility.

This is your relaxation time and you're spending it parenting DCs who aren't even your responsibility. I presume as a shift worker your DP gets time to himself during the week, as does his ex. The only one working all week and looking after DCs all weekend is the one who didn't choose to have these DCs in the first place!

I don't agree that by starting a relationship with a dad you agree to give up any chance of a normal partnership with him. The situation at the start was very different and obviously acceptable to you. His reluctance to talk about other ways to handle this and his lack of appreciation for the job you do shows how far down his list of priorities you are.

Move out, whether or not you continue to see him casually or not, but I'd say this man is not a good long term bet. If you have DCs of your own, he'll be napping while you parent them, leaving you stranded with a baby as he rushes off to work etc.

You can do better.

You have been used as convenient childcare whilst it was needed.

Now the DC are older, weekends/residency should be a lot more fluid and a lot less 'fixed'.

I'd make myself extremely busy over the next few weeks if I were you, your DP can take care of his children, cooking for them, mediating, dealing with drama queen, etc, and you can spend some time deciding on.what terns you're willing to.continue in your relationship.

OP - how is your relationship structured financially and with regard to property ownership etc?

How difficult would it be to sort out any joint finances and for you to move out to your own place?

If you really want to continue the relationship, things would probably work better if you had your own place.

If they are now 15 and 18, I would simply say "They are more than old enough to look after themselves. I will be out and about doing x,y and z. The girls can sort themselves as again, they are more than old enough". And mean it and get on with your own life.

They do not need to be tagging along anywhere with you. They are not children. If need be, your OH gives them money to sort out lunches etc.

I don't mean to sound harsh but they are not little kids. Stop looking after them and prioritising their needs above yours. Take a big old step back from this situation.

You can't get that time back - years when you really should have been going out and having fun at the weekend rather than being the sole adult in charge of children and then teenagers - but you can look with an objective eye at the future. The older one is 18. The younger one is 15. No further childcare should be needed.

Make your own plans at the weekend. Show the 18 year old how to cook some meals. Be much more of a free agent.

Key question - is the 18 year old about to go to university?

No childcare required at that age. I think you are annoyed that they are around most of your free time.

I would hate this!

How about putting your foot down and then moving out if nothing changes. It's a shame because it looks like you have been the sitter for years while they both carried on how they liked, jobs, nice social life and on it will go.

Demand respect or go.

Having re-read your posts I would have something arranged for the next 3 weekends. A ladyinute cost to friends. A work related thing. Or even 'by the way, I'm going away this weekend to read and sleep. Alone'

What do the children say about all this?

Yadnbu!

If I was you I would leave. You are still young and your partner is treating you like hired help.

Sorry but you sound really decent and shouldn't be allowing yourself to be treated like staff.

OP, I was living alone and paying bills at the age of your youngest step-child! They are old enough to look after themselves and if your OH doesn't like it he needs to hire a babysitter (I can see that going down wonderfully with the 'children') In fact I probably would hire a babysitter and take myself out shopping.

You sound like you've put up with far too much already.

What do the children say about all this?

Maybe their parents could ask them?

Babysitter? They're both old enough to be babysitters!

I think you are very reasonable-sounding.

I wouldn't be massively happy on your situation.

I don't think you can say to your DP that his DCs 'can't' come whenever he wants however.

But you don't have to be an unpaid babysitter either.

TBH, you might want to consider whether the relationship has run the course and you find someone childless who can do fun couples things. even if your DP is a hot fire fighter

Your partner isn't interested in changing the arrangements as it suits him completely. He can work his shifts or respond to call-outs because you are there to pick up the slack, and have been for a very long time.

His response your having asked for change is very telling: you're the one in the wrong. And that's easy to say when it's someone else who is constantly relied on to be there during his absences.

The girls are now at the age when they don't need constant looking-after or mediation. At 15 and 18 they can cook for themselves and do their own laundry. As an absolute minimum they should be expected to take care of some chores around the house, too.

Be absent, do your own thing. You might find that doing your own thing could mean totally excluding this selfish man who has taken such terrible advantage of you. I suspect he sees you as some form of handy domestic appliance rather than an equal partner with her own plans, expectations and desires.

IMO this older man has taken advantage of you for far too long.

You deserve so much better.

So neither your DP (the DC's father), nor his ex (their DM), do any weekend childcare - its all left up to you! I think you've been absolutely saintly (at least from your telling of the story), in letting this selfish pair dump all the responsibility for their DC on you. TBH I'd have walked out years ago, but since you didn't you've given the impression that this state of affairs is acceptable.

From where I'm sitting you have three options:

1. Tell your DP that from now on you won't facilitate this situation further. Weekends will be your time, so do with as you wish. You will no longer be looking after his DC. You'll be going out on Sat night, shopping or meeting friends or doing as you wish, but mainly you won't be available for childcare. They're his DC and he can either care for them himself or arrange for someone else to. Or perhaps he and his ex could do as they should've all along and taken turns at the weekends.

2. Change your working hours so you're working weekends and off during the week.

3. End the relationship. Your DP sounds like an arse anyway. You're only 29 and you're basically working seven days a week - five for your employer, and two as an unpaid, unappreciated childminder. They've had a great deal out of you. I'd make this the last weekend they get to take advantage.

He's being very unfair! You are effectively being lumbered with his children who are playing up for you. Being in a relationship with someone who has children from a previous relationship does NOT render you eternally at their disposal, or stepping aside to always play second fiddle. Your wants and needs matter too. Come join us on the step parenting board where there are a lot of us who are very familiar with this type of situation

At 29 you are far too young to be a step mum to an 18 & 15 year old.

This was never going to work.

Cut your losses while you are still young enough to make your own life and your own family.

The reason nothing changes is because of the three people parenting, two are happy with the arrangements,one is exhausted and miserable. The two happy ones are the ones who chose to create them in the first place, and are the two making the arrangements. The exhausted and miserable one, therefore, needs to opt out of the arrangements and take themselves out of the weekends, put your feet up in a spa hotel, meet friends, find a hobby or someone to visit places with. See how happy they are with their arrangements then.
Nothing will change as long as you go along with it. Why would it ?

It does sound to me like you are being very unfairly treated here, and have been taken advantage of for a long time - you've done very well to put up with it and treat these girls so well.

But as other have said, now they're old enough that you absolutely don't need to stay home for them. Yes, you should be able to enjoy some peace and quiet at home, but equally, you can just go out and leave them to it. It's unfair that you are effectively being chased out of your own home though.

You need to tell your partner in no uncertain terms that either he stays home to look after his children or they need to spend some weekends with their mum.

I also don't think you are being unreasonable in light of the fact that he is often not there. What would the situation be if he was single?

Smurfette

The only thing that I think that YABU about is the person that you are aiming most of the issue towards.

Its your DP that should be stepping up and doing something with his children. I get that the children should be his priority but they very clearly aren't.

It really isn't too late to cut your losses. But if you don't want to do that, have a long hard think about what you want out of your life. If it's down time every weekend say so, if it's going out with your partner, tell him. If it's a hobby or seeing friends, go do it.

Leave the parenting yo him. If there's a vacuum then one of the parents will fill it, or the kids will start going out with their mates.

But also don't listen to people who sat it'll get easier as they get older, I've got a 21 yr old DSS who is sitting downstairs demanding to be fed. That's his dad's problem.

I don't like your partner.

He thinks you are there to facilitate him and his family. Of course he agrees to them coming whenever they/their mum want, because he isn't the one who has to take care of them.

Wouldn't you like to start again with a lovely man with no ties? Wouldn't you like to have your own children? In your position, I'd dump this thoughtless, selfish man and start all over again.