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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Horrendous situation, please help

267 replies

spaghettihead5 · 29/07/2015 14:20

In recent months and weeks I've realised for definite H is very active during the night, then that he has an ow (he denies it). I gave him divorce petition on Mon.
In the last week I've realised that whereas I thought he was going out in the middle of the night for liaisons, in fact someone unknown to me is coming in to our family home, possibly with their own key. I've heard sexual activity downstairs in the sitting room and in two of the upstairs bedrooms while my children & I sleep in adjoining rooms. OMG. I'm frightened how he would react if I confronted him while DTD but I can hear a woman climax, humping, blow jobs etc almost every night if the past week.
I've talked to a solicitor about urgent next steps, the risk to the children.
I want to make sure that when custody of the children is discussed he will be unable to have them overnight. Can't believe this is happening.
What else do I need to get in place to protect the children and I before I confront him? How to confront him?Do I need evidence apart from my witness testimony on what I've heard because H will say it's such an improbable, outrageous suggestion I have imagined it and maybe I should get my mental health checked out.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 30/07/2015 12:19

I agree Morris.

I can well believe a man shagging ow at home, but the details of this don't add up.

OuchLegoHurts · 30/07/2015 12:34

One of the...weirdest...threads I've read on here

DetectiveLund · 30/07/2015 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dogsarebetter · 30/07/2015 14:11

Genuine question and sorry to sound patronising but are you sure you're awake when you're hearing the noises?

PrivatePike · 30/07/2015 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shakey1500 · 30/07/2015 14:27

This is really bizarre behaviour. I'm not sure what's going on.

If indeed, your DH is seeing an OW home and while on holiday then I would (regardless of the kids) call the police and say you can hear an intruder downstairs. Perfectly reasonable thing to do imo.

What possible reason do you have to not deal with this? I genuinely don't understand. If you fear his reaction then why aren't you running a mile in the other direction anyway? Confused

Goodbyemylove · 30/07/2015 14:37

Why did you go on holiday with him when you were about to serve divorce papers?

If you are comfortable enough to go on holiday with him, why can't you confront him in the middle of the night or the next day?

I don't understand the relationship you have with him where you are not scared of him but seem immobilised in the middle of the night.

JamNan · 30/07/2015 14:45

I sincerely don't want to distress or doubt you OP, but may I ask do you take an antidepressant drug such as Citalopram? Some people, when taking this drug experience dreadful vivid dreams that seem like reality.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 30/07/2015 18:40

If he's doing it to annoy you then just ignore it. That'll annoy him.

What's the plan to stop living together?

star8369 · 30/07/2015 19:44

did you ask him where he had went when you went to check and he wasn't there?

sensiblesometimes · 30/07/2015 19:46

Nah! don't ignore him blow torch his arse
Sorry but you've got to do something

Concordial · 30/07/2015 22:44

Bear with.. I'm a bit confused...

So the dog woke you because he started growling and snarling. (I take it the dog is on holiday with you so is unfamiliar with where you are staying.) Did you get up at all to see what disturbed the dog or wait until your DH which was 20 minutes later?

Did your DH go out and then come back in? Why didn't you pop downstairs or call out to him to ask what disturbed the dog?

If the only opportunity your DH had was sleeping with OW in your presence while you are in your home, surely it would of been of easier to take OW on holidays and shag in peace all night rather than drag you, kids and the dog a hundred miles across the country? The divorce papers have been served, I would of thought it would of been easier for him to take a break alone then he could roger OW silly without all this nighttime creeping around.
I don't understand why you have gone on holidays with him if he has been treating you so disrespectfully. You deserve a break too.

Does he appear tired during the day after all the carry on during the night?

Sorry for the questions, I'm baffled by it all.

Moreshabbythanchic · 30/07/2015 23:30

It doesn't sound as if anyone is getting much sleep, you must be awfully tired.

spaghettihead5 · 30/07/2015 23:36

OK folks, i'm posting live from The Holiday From Hell.
The signs are there already I am not going to get much sleep again tonight. H hurried the children to bed (he's been doing that for years) and put the central heating on at 22 degrees. I asked him why, saying it felt tropical & hadn't he heard it's July but he didn't reply.
I have been in bed 20 mins & I've just heard the gravel crunch outside. It could be nothing, we'll see.

OP posts:
Skiingmaniac · 30/07/2015 23:40

Can you peep out the window?

bestguess23 · 30/07/2015 23:41

Do you have a plan of action?

spaghettihead5 · 30/07/2015 23:44

The dog quietens quickly because I expect he is familiar with ow by now. I think ow is from work & this relationship is 2-3 years old.
For the record I am not on meds, I know the day of the week is Thurs and the prime minister is David Beckham (or so my daughter tells me - joke).
I don't want to blow my cover too soon. I want evidence to get this man out of our house and to keep my reputation in tact.
I can hear H moving about in the darkness, he is sharing a room with DS.

OP posts:
spaghettihead5 · 30/07/2015 23:49

H doesn't know I know he is doing this. I think he has been shagging other women in our home (& probably sometimes my bed, sometimes the sitting room) while the children and/or I have been there asleep for years.
3 months ago I read about narcissists. My heart sank in recognition of the problems I've had with H.

OP posts:
spaghettihead5 · 30/07/2015 23:52

If I get out of bed the floorboards will creak & give me away.

OP posts:
Mika27 · 30/07/2015 23:55

Stay strong nannyfart. Flowers

Mika27 · 30/07/2015 23:58

You need to buy a remote controlled tarantula with a camera. That would be fun and lots of screams.
Do you ever go out? Can you pretend to go out with friends and stay somewhere near to spy?

spaghettihead5 · 31/07/2015 00:09

Heard a car in the distance - we are in the sticks.
2353 I think someone has just come in the cottage, it sounded like the seal of the front door crackle open. Dog did not bark, maybe H was waiting outside (went out while I was in the shower?) & he and ow came in to the cottage together. He denies ow still, he wants to maintain a certain image in the eyes of his family.
0007 I think I can hear them shagging already.

OP posts:
bestguess23 · 31/07/2015 00:10

Oh FGS just go and bust them or call the cops. You can't keep putting up with this, there is zero logic in continuing this. There is nothing to stop your children walking in on this farce.

LondonRocks · 31/07/2015 00:13
Shock

Crumbs. I'm staggered. This all sounds like a living nightmare.

How come no one else can hear them? Don't the children ever wake?!

FaffingtonBear · 31/07/2015 00:14

Hmmmm sorry but I am very suspect of this Hmm

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