I've got a black eye

[Verypissedoffwife]

Started a thread a couple of weeks ago but had it moved to "the other place" as I was worried I was too identifiable on it.

It was about my husband offering his sister a job that I'd previously asked for and been told "no". It's irrelevant now really as since then we've barely spoken 2 words to each other and have split up. He was sleeping on the sofa whilst made arrangements to find a rental property.

On Thursday night he lost his temper and sente flying into the door frame. I've got a black eye and a massive lump and bruise on my forehead.

I feel absolutely devasted. I've got to go to work tomorrow looking like I've been in a fight. I feel so ashamed.

It's not the first time so I know I shouldn't be so surprised but I just can't believe he's done this. My 7 year old daughter is really upset because she misses her Dad. And I just feel so overwhelmed by everything.

Oh he is a nasty piece of work.

Please don't let his empty threats stop you getting help that might make a huge difference to you.

Well done for logging it with the GP.

Was checking your other thread hoping for a better update. So sorry things have turned even more nasty and complicated for you. Look after yourself.

Thank you for the messages and the flowers.

I'm probably just being paranoid about the social services thing. Thinking about it logically, it's highly unlikely he would even want custody. He works away a lot and I can't see his parents helping out much with childcare as they've both retired now and quite elderly.

I feel more positive today as the house I went to look at is absolutely gorgeous. I've never liked my house as it's a victorian semi on a main road and I prefer modern houses. It's still half finished as he liked to start various different projects and then abandon them and start yet another one. This new one is about 10 years old, newly decorated throughout, new carpets, and has a south facing garden overlooking the valley. My friend has much better taste than me and it's all really stylish - like a show home. She's agreed to sell quite a lot of the furniture that won't fit in her new house for a really good price, so all I'll need is beds, kitchen appliances and wardrobes for one room.

My eldest two are really positive about the move. They can't stand ExH anyway, especially now they've seen the state of their mums face. My daughter said she was really proud of me. My son was worried I'd change me mind and go back to him (as I have many times before) but I don't think I will. I can't stand anymore of his shit and just want us all to be happy.

My youngest daughter (his daughter) is understandably gutted. She drew a picture of a house with 5 smiley stick men outside it and then another house with 4 sad stick men outside it. I'm not going to mention it again in front of her until after the holiday. I think I'll try and slowly get her used to the idea. I don't know for definite when we'll be moving, but we're thinking around 6 weeks. It depends on the house my friend is buying really.

I do feel a bit as if it's fate that the house came up at this exact moment - especially the fact that I can rent it first. I've always loved this house and can't believe it' going to be ours. I think if I didn't take this opportunity I'd be an absolute fool.

Sounds so positive

I agree it seems like fate.
Everything happens for a reason and it's all falling to place for you to get away for this vile violent arsehole.
Your youngest will soon come around when she's living away from him and the horrible atmosphere.
Grab this opportunity and you'll never look back.
Have you seen a solicitor yet or visited CAB?
You definitely need to get your financial ducks in a row as quickly as possible.
It may seem overwhelming but small steps.
Well done OP. Don't ever go back to him.
Keep in contact with Womens Aid and every time you wobble give them a call or come on here and post and we'll remind you of just how awful this 'man' is.
Keep going and keep strong. You can do this.

Thank you.

No I still haven't seen a solicitor. I have the contact details for one that helped a friend who was in a seriously abusive relationship - much worse than mine - so I'll email him now and see if I can get an appointment set up for after the holiday. I don't know what's stopping me really - I think at the back of my mind I'm thinking "is that a bit drastic" but I don't want to think like that. I want to look forward to the future and not be thinking that he'll change and start being nice. Because he can't be nice. He knows how to be as he was for the first 6 months, but not since.

I've just been on the benefits checker and I think that I will get tax credits. I will definitely need them to pay the rent. It's not a lot and things will be a bit tight until I can buy it properly but we'll just have to tighten our belts. Plus the shopping bill will come down now I'm not having to buy food for that fat bastard.

And he will have to pay you maintenance for his child.
That is something that is always separate from any other finances.
Have a look HERE
to see what you should be getting from him.
Every little helps and he should be helping to support his own DC so don't deny them that.
No he won't change.
Nice for 6 months out of how many years????
You KNOW you deserve so much better than this.

Wow - I just looked at the calculator using what I think he earns (obviously I don't know for certain as that was a super top secret!). He will not like THAT at all! It's coming out at double what he offered when we split up before. LOL!

I've known him for 15 years (at first we were just friends/acquaintances). We've lived together for 10 years. So out of the 10 years living together he was absolutely wonderful for 6 month's and a complete and utter bastard for 9 years and 6 months.

if you access a solicitor via Women's Aid then you may qualify for legal aid due to the abuse.

Well done for taking this huge step!

It's going to be hard work financially, emotionally and physically but you seem to be a strong woman and hopefully you will be a lot happier when all the legal proceedings are over.

No woman or even a man, should ever have to endure violence of any sort. You deserve so much better.

Hooray!! Well done you lots of positive steps!

Good luck, OP. I was checking your previous thread and found this one. Your life will be better with him out of it.

Thanks for the gin - have converted it to prosecco

I'm feeling really bloody positive today! The older twins are just sooo excited about the new place. My daughters been scouring the Internet looking for furniture, pots and pans , general stuff we need and found all sorts of really modern cool stuff. She's gone off with her friend for a walk round the new area. It's only a mile away but it's very different to where we are now - much greener and some nice areas to walk in. Although not catchment area it's so close to her school that people do tend to get in from there so she knows quite a few people nearby and has already arranged someone to walk to school with come September.

My youngest still doesn't want to talk about it which is fine. We're keeping all the conversation away from her and only talking about it when she's in bed. She did ask if she could have a bed with a slide and a tent though. I showed her one on ebay and she did shout "woohoo! " so she'll come round in time. It won't be THAT different from what she knows. Her Dad works away quote a lot and we didn't spend a huge amount of time together anyway. New house obviously, but she did actually want to move anyway - jusjust not without her Dad.

I've not heard anything really from ex. He sent a text asking if dd could ring him. I sent one back saying that I'd tried but she wouldn't . She's always been like that - she wouldn't come to the phone when he was working away either.

I've had tons and tons of offers of help. My (nice ) ex husband number 1 has said he'd help with the kids wardrobes and putting up the tvs. His wife has offered to have youngest dd on move day. Mum's offered to help financially if needed. Boss offered to help in any way at all. Lots of offers to help with the actual move. My mum gave me a bit of a "hard word" and told me that I absolutely must not let my kids down - especially now they're looking forward to the move so much - or my friend who would be pretty shafted if I pulled out of renting her place. I definitely won't. This will be the best opportunity we'll ever get. And I can't wait!

Brilliant update, delighted to hear you're feeling so positive and have so much support! Onwards and upwards

I know! I met a friend for a quick coffee before work this morning (she's best friends with the woman whose house I'm renting/buying) and she was coming up with loads of ideas of where I could put my stuff and what would look good/where etc.

And tomorrow's my last day at work! I've got Friday off to pack/beautify and then we've got 2 lovely weeks in Spain with my mum, sister, bil and niece and nephew. Our home already feels like a happier place. Like a weights been lifted!

Well done VPOW. Onwards and upwards. And enjoy that holiday!

Thank you we will!

I think my older 2 were losing respect for me. It's come back now and it's just a lovely atmosphere at the moment.

Of course we're all excited about the holiday and the new house so I'm sure it won't always be like this!

I don't really believe in a god but the way things have happened it really does feel as though someone's looking out for me. We were just days from starting the process of buying my grandmas house from my sister. The way we were going to do it was by remortgaging our main home and my husband had said we could just transfer the cash to my sister on trust (which of course I do trust her) and sorting legals out down the line. Thank god that didn't happen!

And then the way this particular house came about. Out of all my friends houses (some much grander and more expensive ) it was always this particular house that I adored. Everyone knew how much I loved it so obviously when she said she was planning on moving everyone said "you must ask vpow as you know she loves it". And the fact I can rent it immediately and then actually buy it. It all feels too good to be true to be honest! I keep looking for the downside.

Onward and upward,vpow! You have done so much to turn around yours and your childrens' lives.Your youngest daughter will get an untrue version about what happenned to you from your ex and his sister. It may seem hard now, but in the long run it will be better if she knows the truth .

So pleased to read all your updates.

You'll look back and wonder why you stayed so long.

amarmai thanks but to be honest it's all kinda landed in my lap. I do feel a bit scared but the excitement offsets it

[random] I already feel like that. On Sunday and Monday when I was having my "wallowing days ' I read back through all my text messages and all the stuff I'd posted on here (under different user names ) and there were so many things I'd completely forgotten about. I've brushed so so much under the carpet for the sake of an easy life. I think I've actually been very very weak and let my kids down massively in the past.

BUT you have strengthened now and you are putting your DC and yourself first and that counts for so much more.

So pleased you are feeling happier OP, seems like you have made a very good move. I'm sure your dcs will be happy also.
Have a lovely holiday and stay positive.
Very Best Wishes

"BUT you have strengthened now and you are putting your DC and yourself first and that counts for so much more."
This!

Yes I know. And I think the fact that I'm pretty pissed off with myself for not doing this before will spur me on in times of weakness.

Plus, I can't regret it all. My youngest daughter is absolutely wonderful and she wouldn't exist without him. So as much as I regret the last 10 years, she was worth every single moment.