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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've got a black eye

173 replies

Verypissedoffwife · 26/07/2015 19:09

Started a thread a couple of weeks ago but had it moved to "the other place" as I was worried I was too identifiable on it.

It was about my husband offering his sister a job that I'd previously asked for and been told "no". It's irrelevant now really as since then we've barely spoken 2 words to each other and have split up. He was sleeping on the sofa whilst made arrangements to find a rental property.

On Thursday night he lost his temper and sente flying into the door frame. I've got a black eye and a massive lump and bruise on my forehead.

I feel absolutely devasted. I've got to go to work tomorrow looking like I've been in a fight. I feel so ashamed.

It's not the first time so I know I shouldn't be so surprised but I just can't believe he's done this. My 7 year old daughter is really upset because she misses her Dad. And I just feel so overwhelmed by everything.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 27/07/2015 00:14

I should add that mainly its because any cases of DV are reported to SS by the police, so women dont report because they dont want that to happen.

Original poster
Verypissedoffwife · 27/07/2015 07:15

Yes I think going no contact would be best. If I can wait until after the holiday that would be 3 weeks

I will need to speak to him at some point about the house etc. Actually maybe I won't. Maybe it can be done through the solicitor.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 27/07/2015 09:12

Yes you could do it all through the solicitor, that's probably best.

Original poster
Verypissedoffwife · 27/07/2015 09:18

My eye's even worse today. It's hooded and purple and black. I'd hoped to cover it with make up but there's no chance. I'm due in at 10 but there's only 3 of us in today so ut least I wont have to explain it to everyone.

I'm just so sad. How can he not be bothered? He's not going to be seeing his daughter for 3 weeks. We're all going on holiday without him. He's lost his whole family and he really couldn't give less of shit. I know I shouldn't care but I do.

OP posts:
MilesHuntsWig · 27/07/2015 09:23

So sorry for what you're going through. Hope you make it through work ok.

Other, better experienced, posters have given you great advice and I really hope you find the strength to stick to your guns. Please look after yourself and your DD.

NameChange30 · 27/07/2015 09:41

"My eye's even worse today. It's hooded and purple and black."

Take photos. Take lots.

Enoughalreadyyou · 27/07/2015 09:52

Hi there! You really really must get the photos taken. I know because I've been there. They will be so helpful to you and you do not have to take it further.
I promise you if you don't you will regret it. Do it and no one needs to know but you.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/07/2015 10:18

OMG OP, I am so sorry you are going through this.
I cannot believe your friends and family have said not to report it.
So if they got attached in the street by a stranger and had the injuries you do, would they just let it go and not report it??
Of course they wouldn't.
They'd be straight down the police station reporting the awful assault they suffered.
This is YOUR call, not theirs.
But you need to do what you think is right.
I hope it goes OK at the GPs today and that Womens Aid are helpful.
If you can report to the police you can apply for legal aid to get legally away from this nasty bastard.
Look after yourself and Flowers for you.

Original poster
Verypissedoffwife · 27/07/2015 11:14

I've taken lots of photos. I took some the same day when I had a massive lump on my head and have taken some more now all the bruising has come out.

I know everyone's saying I should report it but I do have another reason not to. Sorry for the massive "drip feed" but about 5 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar. I had to really fight to get the diagnosis removed and it took months. My GP was a massive support and once the diagnosis was removed she diagnosed me instead with anxiety. I got a lot of help - cbt, individual counselling and drugs, and I've been stable ever since. But I really don't want to open that particular can of worms again. I just don't want the stress on top of everything else.

It's logged with the GP and I've been given sleeping tablets should I need them - especially when I'm away.

I'm going to try and phone women's aid today. I just need to do it when no-one else is around which is difficult when I work in an office and have 3 kids.

OP posts:
daisydalrymple · 27/07/2015 11:18

Hi op, just wanted to check in and say I hope your day is going ok and colleagues have been understanding and discreet with whatever reason you've given for your appearance. Sorry to hear your eye looks worse today, hope it's not causing pain/ headaches.

woowoo22 · 27/07/2015 11:39

Can you book a meeting room? Just make up something like you need to focus on x and take some papers with you. No idea what kind of place you work in but good luck.

MilesHuntsWig · 27/07/2015 11:47

A diagnosis of anxiety should in no way stop you from getting the support you need. Why do you think it would open up that can of worms?

NameChange30 · 27/07/2015 12:01

Sure anxiety is pretty normal if you have an abusive partner?! I'm glad you got the support you needed - but maybe it won't go away completely until you're finally safe from him.

I don't see why your medical history would stop you reporting his assault on you? Are you afraid that if he finds out you reported it, he would make up some crap about you??

Original poster
Verypissedoffwife · 27/07/2015 12:54

I'm scared he will say that I'm mental and not fit to look after the kids.

I'm not saying he would, but I'd rather not give him chance.

OP posts:
WorzelsCornyBrows · 27/07/2015 13:02

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I don't think having anxiety would lead anyone to the conclusion that you're not fit to look after your children. However, him beating up his wife might result in the conclusion that he isn't fit to.

Please report this OP, there will come a point where he denies it ever happened and it will be your word against his. That's when he'll pull the anxiety card out and try to undermine your version of events to anyone who will listen.

NameChange30 · 27/07/2015 13:20

"I'm scared he will say that I'm mental and not fit to look after the kids."

OP, your injuries are proof that he is abusive. The professionals know that an abusive person is likely to lie and accuse their partner of all sorts. Reporting him now will be a weapon in the fight to defend and/or protect yourself against him in future.

Most people have depression or anxiety at some point in their life. It doesn't mean they can't look after their children!

Plomino · 27/07/2015 13:35

OP , having a bi polar diagnosis does NOT make you an unfit parent . Being a wilfully violent abuser does , however . Being bi polar , it makes you even more vulnerable and in need of support than ever . Don't try and deal with him alone . Make the call and get him reported .It will give you access to a whole raft of support , that you might not even know about . At least think about it . The man's a bully , counting on your fear to keep you under his control . No no no.

Imlookingatboats · 27/07/2015 13:45

Well, he's a violent prick and isn't fit to look after his kids.

I saw your last thread. I really hope you can recapture some of the happiness and hope you had when you'd made the decision to cut him loose and start a new life with your kids.

Take care. You can do this.

pocketsaviour · 27/07/2015 13:52

I'm scared he will say that I'm mental and not fit to look after the kids.

Not trying to alarm you unduly, but judging by other posters' experience he will probably do that anyway.

It's totally irrelevant and used to blackmail you - "let me see my kids and walk into my your house when I want and don't dare ask me for maintenance, or I'll say you're a mental case and SS will take the kids off you."

The best response to this is "Knock yourself out."

Unless you've had an in-patient episode recently - say in the last year - SS could not be less interested.

butterflygirl15 · 27/07/2015 14:13

My post was never meant to be goady at all - if that is how it reads I am truly sorry.

OP - I am glad you are getting support - I am sorry your injuries are so awful. I just know that the more back up you get now the better it will serve you, and your DC, in the long run. I have been where you are and I know how it feels. And I know that the more professional help you have behind you the better.

And the threats that you are an unfit mother, or that he may go for custody or anything else that he might chuck your way - well the abuser often chucks such things at you. It is all part of the abuse and should be ignored and treated with the disdain it deserves. This man will do what he can to keep you down. So the more you have documented the better x

gotstogonow · 27/07/2015 14:46

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. I have read the truly nasty and shocking things this bastard has done to you.
I'm glad you have lots of support in real life and the finances to move on.
Feeling sad is natural, you've been through so much.
I think you'll have a great future ahead once you get him out of your life once and for all.
Good luck Flowers

Original poster
Verypissedoffwife · 27/07/2015 18:19

Yes I think I'm wallowing a bit. I did feel a lot more positive last week.

I'm going to see a house in half an hour. It's a friend of mine who's doing a "rent to buy mortgage" where she rents her house out and then uses the rent to pay her new mortgage. We've agreed in principle that I'll rent it initially for 6 months then it will go onto a rolling contract. When I can afford to buy it she'll sell it to me. We just need to work out if it's all doable. I've always loved her house and its really close to one of my best friends. The only 2 drawbacks are that it's technically out of catchment to the high school I want my youngest to go to (but very very close to it) and the 4th bedroom that will be my son's is quite small. And I feel a but scared about making that leap.

But if I don't take it, she'll let it to someone else. And I feel very sad living in this house with all "our" stuff in it.

OP posts:
hazelangell · 27/07/2015 18:44

Very - I have been in a similar situation and I have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. In the past I've been in contact with my GP, the police AND Womens Aid over my exes abuse. Not once have social services been around or contacted me.

My ex would often say he'd get custody because I'm crazy (his lovely terminology for my bipolar disorder). He'd ground me down to a point that I believed it - but I got stronger, braver and realised he was just a shitbag.
Womens Aid DID do a risk assessment kind of thing with me though and said that if the risk is high then SS could be involved, my ex by this point had no contact so my son wasn't deemed at risk and everything has been fine.

I can't stress enough how important it is to keep evidence of these kinds of things. If he fights you in court you need all the evidence you can get and if it's his word against yours then it makes it very difficult.... also lots of women claim they've been abused when they haven't been sadly just to try and point score in court, that is why evidence is so important.

Please look into non-molestation orders too, you can only get them within a certain time of the last occurance of violence/threats etc ... you might still have time to get one but if not then it's still something that's worth being clued up on should something happen again.

Wishing you all the best.

ArseForElbow · 27/07/2015 20:06

I have also been in a similar situation and am bipolar, I contacted WA also and they were a great help, I did the Freedom Programme through them, they also helped me get a house move as my ex was watching my last house.

He used to say I was crazy a lot and this was before my bipolar diagnosis, things between us became very bitter and he phoned Social Services to say:

  1. I was neglecting my boys, 2. I was a drug addict, 3. We had poor dental hygiene, 4. The house was a mess (he didn't know we had moved by this time), 5. I had drug addicts in the house, 6. I drank and drove with boys in the car. 7. The boys were sent to school without uniforms, 8. The boys were unhappy. The list went on and on.

Obviously SS had to visit, they could see all his allegations were unfounded and came back 2 days later with a bag full of Xmas presents for the DC, as we had just moved house and I had no carpets down and was struggling for money at the time.

2 years later he has no contact and realises the DC do not want to see him, we were together for 17 years and I can count on my hands the number of 'happy' times we had. Don't be afraid of his threats.

Jux · 27/07/2015 22:29

SS have far too much work on to worry about a mother whose children are well-looked after despite her having had a dx of bipolar in the past. Even if you were suffering with mh problems now, they wouldn't worry, as long as the children are OK. They are far too busy trying to protect children who are actually at risk.

Let him say it if he wants to (and yes, he almost certainly will at some point) and don't worry about it. "Fill yer boots" is the only answer you need to give.