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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've got a black eye

173 replies

Verypissedoffwife · 26/07/2015 19:09

Started a thread a couple of weeks ago but had it moved to "the other place" as I was worried I was too identifiable on it.

It was about my husband offering his sister a job that I'd previously asked for and been told "no". It's irrelevant now really as since then we've barely spoken 2 words to each other and have split up. He was sleeping on the sofa whilst made arrangements to find a rental property.

On Thursday night he lost his temper and sente flying into the door frame. I've got a black eye and a massive lump and bruise on my forehead.

I feel absolutely devasted. I've got to go to work tomorrow looking like I've been in a fight. I feel so ashamed.

It's not the first time so I know I shouldn't be so surprised but I just can't believe he's done this. My 7 year old daughter is really upset because she misses her Dad. And I just feel so overwhelmed by everything.

OP posts:
daisydalrymple · 26/07/2015 19:43

this needs to be logged officially, especially if you are considering leaving your dd in the sole care of a man who can do such things in anger.

daisydalrymple · 26/07/2015 19:43

But Flowers for you, I hope you're ok xx

Tryingtokeepalidonit · 26/07/2015 19:45

If being violent will cause him problems with SS it sounds as if they need to know. Does he work with vulnerable people?

You need to do the right thing for you and your DD. What about when your DD is a stroppy teenager? Can you absolutely guarantee he will control his temper? His reaction implies he has no sense of responsibility for controlling his temper. Reporting him now may well protect your DD in the future.

woowoo22 · 26/07/2015 19:47

You feel sad because you are longing for the life/marriage tou thought you would have. It is totally normal, don't worry. Thanks

Saltedcaramel2014 · 26/07/2015 19:48

OP. I'm sorry to hear this has happened. I remember your previous thread and the details you gave afterwards of when he attacked you before. It was the most horrific story I've ever heard. You cannot waste more of your life missing this man. He's a total shit.

sooperdooper · 26/07/2015 19:49

You don't owe him anything OP, it's not your issue if reporting it causes him issues with SS, he should've considered the outcome before assaulting you :(

I hope you're ok and in a safe place

Dilema76 · 26/07/2015 19:53

Victims of abuse often feel like you do and it's due to the years of grinding you down that the abuser is an expert at.

Don't miss him any longer. He is a bully and a violent man. You should have called the police because then they are on to him. I wouldn't even protect your daughter by lying to her about him.

butterflygirl15 · 26/07/2015 19:56

please report him - not only to protect yourself but your dc too.

Original poster
Verypissedoffwife · 26/07/2015 19:58

He doesn't work with vulnerable people but he sometimes does construction work in schools so I know for one of the contracts he had to have a crb check.

I won't be able to stop contact. I know this because his ex tried and failed.

OP posts:
TattieHowkerz · 26/07/2015 20:06

The point of a CRB check isn't to stop everyone who has ever been accused if a crime working again. Most councils etc will have a policy about interpreting them appropriately. I don't see why a domestic violence accusation should stop someone doing construction work in schools.

Anyway, if there were any repercussions that's his fault and problem. Don't want do be accused of assault? Easy. Don't attack your wife.

Thanks To you OP.

sooperdooper · 26/07/2015 20:11

Whether it effects his future CRB check isn't your priority - protecting yourself and your Dd is :)

butterflygirl15 · 26/07/2015 20:14

so you aren't going to try and protect your DD then, and just accept that he may be violent with her and not inform anyone??

Original poster
Verypissedoffwife · 26/07/2015 20:16

No. I said twice I was going to the gp.

But thanks for the condescension.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 26/07/2015 20:22

The OP has made her decision. You may not agree with it but the fact is that it is hers to make.

Comments like so you aren't going to try and protect your DD then, and just accept that he may be violent with her and not inform anyone?? smack of bullying. She has made her decision, leave her be.

She is here to offload and get support, not be bullied into going down a road she doesnt want to take, or alternatively feel she cant post anymore.

Its so easy to say "Go to the police" when your life hasnt just gone to pieces, you know that SS will be involved that could potentially affect his work (thereby affecting the OP too as he wont be able to buy her out of the house or pay child support) and the police wont necessarily just log it, they may prosecute without the OPs support. They can, and do, do that.

OP, where is he staying now? I would be inclined to add an extra lock to the door so he cant just turn up again and move back in. And of course it has to be your fault, because if it isnt yours then it must be his and we all know that that couldnt possibly be true! Ignore him blaming you, you know it isnt your fault and so does everyone else.

woowoo22 · 26/07/2015 20:24

Wow butterfly, what a goady post to someone who is suffering.

Well done OP. Onwards and upwards. Thanks

bedelia · 26/07/2015 20:31

Very - You're in one of the most difficult stages of separation right now, feeling sad, confused and probably very vulnerable. Just think of how far you have come already - you and your ex now live apart, he is not under the same roof as you anymore, and (most importantly) you've taken a massive step to end this hurtful relationship. Well done for coming this far! Flowers

Please do not feel ashamed. In all likelihood, your ex is trying to relieve his sense of guilt by blaming you for the incident which led to your injuries. That makes him feel better, because he knows he has done wrong. That's not your problem, it is his.

AFAIK, if you call 101 to report the incident, there may be no need for you to visit a police station or for someone to visit you at home. Explain that you would just like the incident to be logged, that you want to try and protect your DD from being upset and fear reprisals from your ex.

You can call WA without being obligated to take their advice or leave the family home (though they do give excellent advice, especially in regard to your legal rights!). You can call WA for a chat, and just this will help you to feel better and stronger about this whole thing.

And you can stop contact for the time being at least. If - because of what happened on Thursday - you are concerned about further incidents to yourself (which DD may well witness) or even to your daughter, you have every right to stop contact altogether unless there is a court order already in place (which I'm guessing there isn't?). The only way your ex can make you allow contact is by asking the court for an order to do this, which will work in your favour as you can explain your concerns and ask for contact to me made in a manner which guarantees your safety and DDs well-being.

Seriously ask WA about this, especially if your ex mentions Parental Responsibility and his rights, as this is rather complicated but there is a lot you can do to ensure you and DD remain safe.

Sending hugs Flowers You've been so strong already, but things will eventually get easier.

Original poster
Verypissedoffwife · 26/07/2015 20:37

Thank you bogeyface and woowoo

He said he's working away this week so won't see out daughter for 3 weeks as we're going to Spain on Saturday for 2 weeks. If he's gone down tonight this probably means he's in London (opposite end of the country).

He won't just turn up. He's left many many times and he's always stayed away so it's unlikely really. If he did though I've got my best friend next door and my sister round the corner so I'm not worried.

OP posts:
Original poster
Verypissedoffwife · 26/07/2015 20:43

I think I will call womens aid when dd not around.

I've got 3 weeks at least now before he'll even be able to see her. She does miss him and wants to see him so it's hard. She's only 7 so thinks he's perfect and adores him. I'll ask a solicitor what to do for the best I think.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 26/07/2015 20:54

WA can help you with your DD better than a solicitor could tbh. All a solicitor can do is tell you the legal position, whereas WA have helped many women deal with how to tell their child about split.

Good luck Flowers

sugar21 · 26/07/2015 20:56

Verypissedofwife
Very sorry that you are hurting. I know how you feel, I've had a few black eyes and bruises myself. I think in your situation you know what is good for you and the GP is a good start, at least there will be a record of your eye. Do try to get a photo of your injuries if you can allow someone to take it. Possibly go sick in the morning and try to get your thoughts together. I don't want to tell you what to do as you'll be very jumbled up at the moment so I'll just tell you what happened to me when I went to the GP

I sat in the waiting room trying to hide in a corner until my name was on the screen. When I finally got to see the Dr he was brilliant. He asked me if he could notify the police and I said no. He then said go and sit in the treatment room and have a think. So I thought and thought and eventually he came back and persuaded me to say yes. He then went off to phone and came back in asking if the police could have my mobile number. When I got home a police lady called and said that my injuries had been documented and gave me a special number to ring if I was in danger, that was about it really.
So I was on the police file just by going to the GP. Also the practice nurse was involved and said I could ring her at any time.

This is just what happened to me. Perhaps the same will to you. I had a lot of contact with the police but never once had to go to the police station.
I wish you well my love and hope you can get through the shitty situation, its hell on earth I know but I'm not in here to judge you just to offer support
Flowers for you xx Sugar

NameChange30 · 26/07/2015 21:16

"I won't be able to stop contact. I know this because his ex tried and failed."

Maybe she didn't have evidence of his abuse. Maybe she was too afraid to report it, as you're understandably feeling atm.

I think it's great that you're going to GP. I hope you will still consider reporting to the police but if you don't it will be on record with the GP at least. And it's great that you plan to call Women's Aid, I hope they're helpful and I'm sure they will be.

One day at a time. And just a week before you have a much needed break with your DD. Keep that in mind if it helps you get through the next few days.

Flowers
DoreenLethal · 26/07/2015 21:38

You don't have to press charges, just report it so that it is on record. People saying that you shouldn't report it are not in the situation of having a daughter themselves who might need protecting in the future, evidently.

Myfoofneedspruning · 26/07/2015 23:27

I have been thinking about you since your first thread, I'm so sorry things took a turn for the worst, that man is a horrible cunt.

DragonsCanHop · 26/07/2015 23:41

I've also been thinking about you. I hope you find the strength to make a break.

Can you go no contact for now until you return?

Bogeyface · 27/07/2015 00:13

You don't have to press charges, just report it so that it is on record.

Not necessarily. It depends how you report it. If you go to the police and make a complaint that you have been assaulted, if it is DV then the police and CPS can go ahead with a case without your agreement. Ironically, although that was put in place to assist victims, it has actually put off a lot of victims from reporting in the first place.