I am the OW

[headinthesand55]

I have been having an affair with a man for 4 years - with it getting most serious within the last 10-12 months.

I have known about his girlfriend from the beginning. She has found out on a few odd occasions and we have stopped once or twice but we both always go back to each other. I think the initial stages for him were just a bit of fun but he has recently admitted about 3 months ago how he realises how much I mean to him and how he thinks about leaving home every day to be with me.

We have just spent a night away together in a hotel and it was amazing. We both said I love you a few months back and he is absolutely lovely to me and makes me very happy. But obviously, he still hasn't left her. He has a holiday booked with her and mentioned it last night so I know he still plans on being with her in a few months when they go.

I just cannot bring myself to end it with him even thought I know what I am doing is wrong.

He makes me feel amazing and so happy, and I miss him incredibly when we aren't together and he says the same. He has been part of my life for 4 years and I know him very well, but I know I cannot go on for another 4 like this!

Do I give him an outright ultimatum? I know most people on here will say he won't leave her, and I think deep down that is true. However, a mutual friend of ours recently found out her boyfriend was having an affair and he was going on about how she should get shut of him and not stay with him just because they own a house together. He too owns a house with his girlfriend.

Do I tell him exactly how I feel and ask what his plans are? Earlier in the week he said he doesn't know what he is doing with his life and it's a mess.

Textfan, your point regarding children which is so very pertinent. That is what upsets me most of all. At the time my 2 1/2 year old DS had just started the diagnostic process for ASD. He is now 4 and has the diagnosis. OW was furious because she runs a business where her clients are children. Thus, she couldn't have this slight on her reputation so accused me of "attention seeking and only doing it to claim DLA". She knew this and was able to diagnose my son over and above the professionals because she was a "hairdresser with a CRB check". I wish I was joking. The upshot of this is that my husband has failed our son in every which way because he refused to accept what was happening with DS, he only attended the diagnostic appointment to "prove me wrong" and has not attended a single course that I have undertaken to help my son. If I started on the damage that bitch has caused my son, I would be here all day. They have wrecked mine and both my kids lives in ways I can't begin to describe. There is no excuse, EVER, for doing that...

To everyone who's lives have been damaged by OW and OM, my heart aches for you I absolutely HATE infidelity. There are no excuses. Don't want to be in the relationship, just fuck off and leave. Don't piss all over your partner and cheat.

To the OP, wow. Just... wow. I neither have the words or the time to post how I feel about you.

MrsC ur post brought tears to my eyes. Ur poor DC deserve better than them two shits. They r very lucky to have u tho, I very much believe u live up to ur user name n am glad for their sake as well as urs. for u all .

TheFormidableMrsC how dreadful for you and your DC. So traumatic and what a bastard MrC is. i hope he is unhappy be ause that will be his karma.

Maybe I did not word it right....I am not saying I don't blame the OW be ause of course as you say, if they pursue peoples partners of course they are to blame. However the husbands dont have to go along with it, therefore to me the men should still shoulder the major part of the blame.

That is just my situation and I totally appreciate everybodys is different.

Thank you for your lovely words silver, it is the one thing I can't abide and it is me picking up the pieces of their selfish decisions every bloody day. Still, onwards and upwards as they say...

justanaveragegirl....karma can't come soon enough...I have no doubt it will! You're right in that these men could say no, that they don't is bad enough...

Whilst I do abhor OW, I think they get a lot more venom than the H in question. I don't think OW destroy marriages, I think the husbands are single-handedly responsible. Husbands are not objects and thus cannot be stolen. I agree that OW must have a gaping hole somewhere in their lives to even countenance sleeping with a MM but it is not them who took vows or promised commitment.

^ this.

The women I know who have been OW have all been incredibly vulnerable and almost 'preyed' upon. No emotionally healthy woman would accept a long drawn out affair. While I agree it is absolutely hell for the wife left and walked out on, I do think that sometimes it just happens that for many reasons a man can meet someone who he is more drawn to or better suited to than his wife, whether he was chased or not. If he's chased or tempted he can always say NO!!! Men are not objects that can just be stolen or unwillingly taken by some poisonous other woman.

I also think there are some women who are hardly wife of the year and when their husbands walk out on them they are then the injured party and the victims and their contributing behaviour is not looked at because all the anger and venom is poured on their cheating husbands.

Same goes for married women running off with other men. I totally get where a previous poster was coming from when she was in an abusive relationship and was 'rescued' by a married man and she has my sympathy, as do women whose husbands have walked out on them

I just don't think people are as innocent/evil, situations black/white as some posters on MM believe

Yes .

Some wives and husbands are hell on earth and sometimes it takes another person on the horizon to initiate the split. The 'left' spouse is not always a 'victim'.

The problem with this is that every single unfaithful spouse will demonise the "left" spouse to justify what they have done. My husband has said some horrific things about me, all of which were blatantly untrue, he even that we hadn't had sex for 6 years despite the fact we had a two year old. They come out with the same old shit. Read "The Script". He said that he realised that he had "made a mistake" after two years (ironically when OW first showed her nasty face), but stayed for 14 and had a baby after 11, he said I was cold, had no emotion, was unable to show love, was frigid, oh it went on. I was so frigid he was shagging me right up until he left. I think most people who know me would describe me as a decent human being who is warm and kind. I would and do help anybody. I am not the monster he has described to justify his foul behaviour. It's the total lack of respect I can't stomach. I think it speaks volumes that he has nobody and all our friends and families have stuck by me.

I am not saying some marriages aren't unhappy or "hell on earth" but you don't have an affair, you don't cheat and lie, you don't do your utmost to ruin the other persons life and the children's lives alongside it. There is NO excuse. Ever.

Also, what if they are serial cheats? I had no idea how much my husband had cheated on me until after he left and then I made discoveries I wish I hadn't. The problem was HIM not me. There were affairs everywhere, indeed another OW at the same time as the OW he left for...hedging his bets at which one to cocklodge with. He was then all offended when I had to undergo a raft of STI tests because of it. Who has the right to inflict that on you? I did nothing to deserve this, in any way whatsoever, less so my kids. The worst accusation he could have levelled at me is that I am a crap cook . Interestingly, OW clearly isn't, he's put on about 5 stone since he's been with her...

FormidableMrsC After he'd left and you began to piece back your life and that of your dcs did you ever seek counselling?

I can't understand how anyone can even begin to excuse or explain the actions of an OW.

Yes, the unfaithful DH is 99% to blame, for all of the sensible reasons already given here.

But the OW isn't an innocent victim or bystander. She chooses to enter a relationship with a MM because her desire for him trumps the fact that she is now aiding and abetting a man who is betraying his spouse.

Being emotionally vulnerable doesn't excuse the behaviour and poor decision making, any more than it excuses any other immoral behaviour.

Apart from that - believing his obvious lies, sitting around pathetically waiting for a crumb of affection, knowingly sharing him in every way and just generally competing with a woman who doesn't know she's in a competition means she must also be as thick as shit.

MrsC

I've read all of your threads today and you are truly formidable.

I can't believe the behaviour of your arse of a husband and the 'woman' he's shacked up with.

You are amazing, your strength and your love for your children shines through.

MrsC I wasn't talking about you at all, I was talking in general, and not in every case. Probably in most cases the cheating partner does demonise the partner they are cheating on.

Just to add aswell, I think a poster somewhere upthread said that there are no happy endings, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson have been married for about 20 years, Julia Roberts and the cameraman she stole have got to be going on for ten years. They are the minority but it does happen

Oh and MrsC I think you are amazing too

ymba, yes I had several months of counselling. Unfortunately, because my husband refuses to settle the finances (we have had 9 hearings, he didn't turn up to what should have been the last one on Friday), I cannot apply for my absolute and therefore, it still drags on. My daughter ended up under CAMHS. It has been horrendous. However, it will be OK, one day!!

Nequidnimis quite!

Jones, ahhh, thank you, goodness you must have a dead bum after sitting reading all of that! . I didn't mean to derail this thread with my issues but it is the one subject that just raises my hackles like no other and any OW or potential OW reading this should seriously take heed.

perfectpeach, no I know you weren't, I just had to respond to the points made. We're not all going to agree on this subject, everybody has different views and that's the beauty of MN, that you can air them! Talking of celebrity cheaters, there is also Brad and Angelina. In RL, I know of one couple who stayed together. It was a school friend's Dad, he had a very long term affair, he stayed until the kids were grown up and then left. He is still with OW, she is now his wife. However, the cost to them has been great and actually, the cost to the OW greater still, she gave up her fertile years and her biggest regret is not having children of her own. I will also say that the first marriage was very unhappy and there were a lot of alcohol issues. It's still inexcusable in my opinion, but there will always be the odd "success" story, but at the cost of at least one party...

OW vulnerable? Maybe. But not half as vulnerable as a 2 year old. It is the strength of the wives left behind making sure that these innocents are not damaged by the pure selfishness of both the married man and the ow.

I have no time for the "poor me" helplessness of a woman who knowingly breaks up a marriage where its not just the wife affected (bad as that is).

MrsC my bum isn't too numb, but the ironing pile is still enormous... ;-)

FWIW...

My DH's OW is the serial cheat, a married woman who is allegedly desperately unhappy in her relationship and only staying with her DH until her children leave school.

DH was her second affair with a work colleague, there has been another fling since (she was seen going into a hotel room with someone at a do a year after she fucked my husband at the same event.) She tried to pursue an affair with that colleague but he rebuffed her. (All this from another colleague who is a very reliable source).

She asked DH to leave me and move in with her. I think she hoped he would be her exit affair. I think she is too cowardly to move out on her own, despite earning 3 times what I do.

She has tried several times to lure him back, emails saying either how unhappy she is and could use someone to talk to, emails saying she hoped he was happy now but he could still talk to her if he wants to if he isn't, as she just wants to be a friendly ear. Even a recent one asking if H's previous boss knew of the affair (she was turned down for a job she applied for). Even that was phrased in the hope of dragging him back to her, with mysterious comments about 'only asking because of present circumstances'.

I blame both of them for the affair.

She wasn't a hapless, single female who fell in love. She just wanted a shag and some extra-marital excitement and DH was stupid enough to oblige and it all started from there.

Jones Are you and ur H still together?

I hate the way people say the OW isn't to blame and it's just the husband. As a person with morals you have to take responsibility for your actions. Sorry but the OW is just as much to blame as the husband.

InTheBox

Yes.

Don't regret giving him a chance.

He's worked bloody hard on himself and on our marriage and we are very happy.

That's not to say it's been easy. It's bloody hard work, and would never recommend it unless there is 100% determination on both sides to make it work.

IntheBox you are amazing. I don't think I could have done same. My XH and I get on extremely well now, probably because we are not married and we co-parent our daughter together very well and that is all I could wish for. Don't get me wrong there have been tough times especially due to OW being a psycho (despite ending it with her, she is still being a pain, the latest is she thinks we are back together and she thinks we are planning to take her and his son away!!!) I blame him majority of what happened but also her too because she knew he was married (so was she). However at the time, I refused to give her the satisfaction of blaming her which to this day she has always been puzzled about.

TheFormidableMrsC you poor thing, your H sounds like a right wanker excuse my french and I know it has been a rough ride, but you will come out stronger than ever and your DC will always know you did the best and come to realise their D is a tosser. His loss if he loses out on his kids and one day he will regret. By then hopefully you would have met a wonderful man who will look after both you and the kids

justanaveragegirl I'm assuming your comment was intended for JonesTheSteam

Whoops IntheBox its was my apologies it was for JonesTheSteam - I really should preview my messages beforehand

Can I ask if people think it makes a difference that in this case it is a girlfriend not wife?