I am the OW

[headinthesand55]

I have been having an affair with a man for 4 years - with it getting most serious within the last 10-12 months.

I have known about his girlfriend from the beginning. She has found out on a few odd occasions and we have stopped once or twice but we both always go back to each other. I think the initial stages for him were just a bit of fun but he has recently admitted about 3 months ago how he realises how much I mean to him and how he thinks about leaving home every day to be with me.

We have just spent a night away together in a hotel and it was amazing. We both said I love you a few months back and he is absolutely lovely to me and makes me very happy. But obviously, he still hasn't left her. He has a holiday booked with her and mentioned it last night so I know he still plans on being with her in a few months when they go.

I just cannot bring myself to end it with him even thought I know what I am doing is wrong.

He makes me feel amazing and so happy, and I miss him incredibly when we aren't together and he says the same. He has been part of my life for 4 years and I know him very well, but I know I cannot go on for another 4 like this!

Do I give him an outright ultimatum? I know most people on here will say he won't leave her, and I think deep down that is true. However, a mutual friend of ours recently found out her boyfriend was having an affair and he was going on about how she should get shut of him and not stay with him just because they own a house together. He too owns a house with his girlfriend.

Do I tell him exactly how I feel and ask what his plans are? Earlier in the week he said he doesn't know what he is doing with his life and it's a mess.

Kerry- I don't want you to care. I'm not asking your approval!

I have stated that I felt remorseful after. I have stated that I know it is wrong. I have stated that I have been on the other side if tge fence and know how awful it feels.

I still stand by what I said though. I didn't systematically go out of my way to find a mm or any man for that matter! He came into my life by chance. I saw him around (the area I lived in was being renovated- he came into my property numerous times over a long period of time for repairs etc) we got speaking. I didn't know of his personal life at tge time as I was shy and not confident. He asked me lots and was generally very kind, helpful and friendly etc.. I fell for him.. not in love obviously, but started to enjoy our chats and look forward to seeing him. If I'm being honest, my ex was so nasty to me and made me feel un attractive and all sorts, that I couldn't be sure if om liked me that way. I thought I might have been imagining it.

I sent him a text one day (it was his work mobile - all residents had this) I asked him if he was married. His response was no -never! When I saw him next, I asked if he was in a relationship then. He said sort of then went on to explain his situation (I can't disclose too much) at the time it was believable. I didn't doubt what he said.

Things developed from there. Yes, I didn't feel 100% comfortable about the set up. But I was living in what seemed like a prison, with an abusive man and my children. Too scared to leave.

The only way I could justify my actions at the time was because I believed his lies about his homelife. And because he was at the time, everything my ex wasn't and for the first time I felt valued cared for and stronger.

Mm helped me get away from my nightmare. But I learned the hard way. He got bored and went onto another OW. He had also, sent me a message that was meant for his partner by acvident ...the content reveled that his homelife was most definely not a brother/sister relationship!!!Broke my heart and made me realise it was all a farce. I got my karma.i also learned now not to be so gullible and niave with men. I'm not proud. But again, I know I wouldn't do it again because I'm a stronger, wiser and more knowledgeable person.

Jones...I am very glad you posted your story. I think you are very brave and I am glad you and your DH have managed to work through things. I wonder if there is anything you can do to stop OW contacting you/him? I am afraid I wouldn't have been able to put up with that. She sounds like an absolute screw up in every sense. I would have done anything to make things "right" with my husband, not now of course, he has revealed too much of what he was and I realise that by virtue of his lack of moral compass in every sense, that he would have carried on having affairs regardless of what I did. I am glad this didn't turn out to be the case for you! I am very grateful to you for taking the time to read my threads

Thank you also to all of you who have posted kind comments in relation to my situation

MrsC

She sends stuff to his work email. The last couple of times it's been from an email account that she'd never used before so he couldn't block if. She also doesn't sign the emails although it's obviously her.

There was a six month gap between the last two. Hoping she's got the message now as DH just ignores them. And tells me straight away.

There's no other way she can contact him now as she's blocked everywhere else.

he couldn't block it

She sounds like a loon Jones, if this carries on I would suggest a non-mol, you'd get it actually, 10 minute hearing and thirty quid. It would be worth it just so that she fucks the hell off. How dare she! I hope you two live happily into grand old age...lots of love and luck to you x

texfan, so sorry to read you've been through this shit too. Every word you say is true. I'll bet her mother is really proud . Hope you're OK and surviving

Learntoliveagain I think it makes no difference in this case that it's a girlfriend not a wife, if anything there is even less excuse for it (not that there is ever a valid excuse) as he doesn't have DC keeping them together or the worry about the financial repercussions of divorce.

Also bearing in mind they've been together 5 years and own a house together, the "girlfriend" in question is actually his DP. It just suits the OW to think of her and refer to her as nothing more than a "girlfriend" as she can delude herself she's not really doing that much damage, it's not like the woman is his wife now is it? Despicable minimising typical of cheaters.

Many men think that it is fine to have a mistress. When it is revealed that he has one, he spends many months brainwashing both women to continue in this (his) arrangement. This is so bizarre.
I think these men did not get married for love in the first place, but more as a way of life that suited them. Then when marriage became awkward - for whatever reason, they use another women to supply their need/s. They think they are entitled to have their cake and eat it.

Also I think it takes a particular woman with certain characteristics to be a mistress. Not many woman, have the emotional strength.
The ones who end up with him, are those who are users of people - like him.

I agree with kittens "IMHO if you are going to leave you family for another, it's done fairly swiftly. Leaving for the OW is something that men do,when they have been waiting for the right opportunity."

God knows I am not an expert but having, unfortunately, been in the position of wanting to find out more about affairs, that does seem to be the common way of things. Men leaving for OW do so relatively quickly.

BTW IME there is plenty of 'blame' to go round. More than enough. In fact there was so much of the bloody stuff after dday I even started sharing it myself in spite of the fact WH repeatedly refused to accept I deserved any. People who have made promises are supposed to keep them - if you don't keep them to the people who most trust you who will you keep them to? But even people who don't make promises are supposed to behave like reasonable human beings to others. You don't need to make promises to behave in a reasonable manner.

Textfan....God YES, an edit button!!!

Oh my goodness, what a horrible mess. So, what was the outcome? How are you doing now? You know where I am if you need an ear, anytime x

But even people who don't make promises are supposed to behave like reasonable human beings to others. You don't need to make promises to behave in a reasonable manner.

Couldn't agree more, Irian

Think this thread has set me back today. I'm feeling very angry, very on edge and tearful. I feel so much hatred for the OW (her DH never found out, as far as I know), so bitter that she hasn't suffered at all, and still continues to behave in the same way.

I know I'm directing my anger at the wrong person according to most on here. Quite frankly, I don't give a shit today.

My relationship with DH is very good. However, the affair is a constant shadow still atm, and there are some days when I still feel it overwhelming me. I wish to God it didn't.

Today is one of those days. I just want to scream and cry and vent at the unfairness of it all. Not just my situation. I'm luckier than most. For everyone that has been through this crap. Just so angry that people can treat each other in this way and get away with it.

Sorry I'm feeling all over the place....

Also I think it takes a particular woman with certain characteristics to be a mistress

This really sums it up for me. Ive no sympathy whatsoever for any woman who chooses to be the OW. All the gumpf about they were so vulnerable, he came along at right time blah blah blah..excuses. Im sure many of us come across a man we'd love to be with but we think with our heads and don't go there, if we have any sense of human decency. I don't care if its the man that made the vows - its irrelevant, its not a green light of absolution for another adult.

Id never go with a married man. & Im not especially strong, or even prudish about some aspects of life. Its because no way is another woman's man going to get me as an occasional fuck, someone to be complicit in his lying to his wife, and generally someone just there so he can have his cake and eat it too, a bit of light relief away from wifey whenever he wants. I wouldn't cheapen myself like that for any man, no man is my God I won't die for lack of a particular man either.

Human nature being what it is, I feel some people just think they MUST have who and what they want. No, you don't actually. But even if you are the OW and are happy in that role, please spare the longwinded explanations..its just sordid shit when all said and done and you don't have to justify yourself to anybody anyway. I think OW start the justifying & minimising in those lonely moments when they wish the man was around and he isn't, and won't be for a while as he's with wife and kids. They can't get to him..so they find a space in which to "bring him to life" as it were, by instigating discussion about him.

Silly life.

Hey Jones my lovely. Have a hug xx! I know how you feel. We are three years down the line and I am having a bad time currently. Not directly related to the affair but due to my existing insecurities that were further nourished by it. I sometimes wonder if both of us wouldn't have been better calling it a day - neither of us wanted to (still don't) but I still struggle with my feelings and H feels like a monster to see the mess he made of me.

The OW in our case got away 'scott free' as far as we know. DH was told her H was a controlling abusive monster (aren't they all) and I was afraid to tell him in case he hurt her. I now have good cause to doubt her view of events but it's a bit late. I suspect she lived in fear of me informing her H so maybe that was punishment of it's own.

If I could I would always always always tell the ow's h or p.

She would think nothing of destroying my dcs lives and me. Right back at you, you dumb bitch.

Thanks for the hug and wise words, Irian.

Sounds a similar dynamic here as well - me struggling some days with feeling low, and DH hating seeing me upset as he loathes being the person who did this to me.

Telling the OW's H was problematic as he also worked at the same place (In know, I know!), and initially, as mercenary as it sounds, I wanted to make sure there was enough money for me to be supported should we have ended up splitting up. I was only working part time at the affair was discovered.

Also I couldn't bear the thought of putting anyone else through the pain I was experiencing, which probably makes me pathetic. I couldn't cope with the idea I was going to hurt her DH and their children. Of course, I know now, I wasn't, she was, but in the initial muddle of it all that's how I felt.

No all ow set out to become ow. And not all ow are in it for the 'sordid sex' or sex in general.

In my case it was being listened to, cared for feeling i wasn't worthless like my ex made me feel. Yes, we had sex. But it wasn't no swinging from chandiliers, sexy outfits or adventurous stuff! I wasn't getting a buzz out of the sex it was the relationship side and closeness.

I believe the mm lies. I feel a fool now. But it made sense at the time. Lesson learned. But I'm not malicious or someone who cannot be trusted around other women's husband! I made a mistake. But I see why I did.

Until you were where I was mentally, you can't possibly understand or judge so harshly!

No, it wasn't a mistake. A mistake implies an isolated, one-off event.

Add up all the times you text him, phoned him, spoke to him, met with him and slept with him. That's a lot of 'mistakes'.

Someone cynical could possibly interpret the situation as only being labelled a 'mistake' retrospectively, once it was obvious it wasn't going to work out for you.

And, whilst you have given lots of reasons, they really just sound like excuses.

So, having seen far too many lives destroyed by the selfish actions of unfaithful husbands and their OW, I will reserve the right to both judge and despise you, as many will if you are indiscreet enough to reveal your role in rl.

Have a hug from me too Jones. Irian, I am sorry you are struggling at the moment. I would say that I doubt anybody gets away with this stuff "scot free", you might not be able to see it, but it will be there somewhere and she will get hers one day .

I wanted to tell OW's husband or at least contact him, it was by doing that that I discovered he had been killed five months previously. It didn't take her long although I suspect that the affair preceded the husband's death and they just picked up shortly after. They publicly told everybody they had met "two weeks before" my husband moved in with her. She even emailed me to tell me that my husband had been "helpful and supportive"!!!! Fucking helpful and supportive while I was at home with an autistic toddler and trying to keep everything together. THAT OW is utter lowlife, she really is. I doubt everybody in RL was saying "oh how lovely for her", more like "eewwww". She'll get hers, well she already has really...my husband is a revolting human being.

neverwhatitseems....sorry, no "mistakes" there as *nequidnimis" says. A mistake is a one off event. What you did was no "mistake".

I don't get the ire at the OW. I really don't. Unless she is a friend or (God forbid) relation, she owes the married woman no loyalty and no tie. It's the scumbag DH who is to 'blame' and who has done the betraying.

The only thing I can think is that the root of the hatred lies in the way women are acculturated to compete with one another for male attention, instead of kicking the whole sexist system to the curb and turning their justified wrath on the person who deserves it - the cheating male.

If a guy leaves you, it's not the OW's fault. The idea that these women somehow unfairly inveigle a man into the bedroom is laughable, and part of the way that we infantilise these men instead of treating them as responsible adults who make horrendous, hurtful, soul-destroying decisions. I do feel like it is a way of de-responsibilising them and of not taking either their marital promise or their guilt seriously.

And yes, I have been cheated on in the past (not by DH, thank goodness, but by my ex) so I do know the degree of pain that is involved.