I am the OW

[headinthesand55]

I have been having an affair with a man for 4 years - with it getting most serious within the last 10-12 months.

I have known about his girlfriend from the beginning. She has found out on a few odd occasions and we have stopped once or twice but we both always go back to each other. I think the initial stages for him were just a bit of fun but he has recently admitted about 3 months ago how he realises how much I mean to him and how he thinks about leaving home every day to be with me.

We have just spent a night away together in a hotel and it was amazing. We both said I love you a few months back and he is absolutely lovely to me and makes me very happy. But obviously, he still hasn't left her. He has a holiday booked with her and mentioned it last night so I know he still plans on being with her in a few months when they go.

I just cannot bring myself to end it with him even thought I know what I am doing is wrong.

He makes me feel amazing and so happy, and I miss him incredibly when we aren't together and he says the same. He has been part of my life for 4 years and I know him very well, but I know I cannot go on for another 4 like this!

Do I give him an outright ultimatum? I know most people on here will say he won't leave her, and I think deep down that is true. However, a mutual friend of ours recently found out her boyfriend was having an affair and he was going on about how she should get shut of him and not stay with him just because they own a house together. He too owns a house with his girlfriend.

Do I tell him exactly how I feel and ask what his plans are? Earlier in the week he said he doesn't know what he is doing with his life and it's a mess.

If the friends with benefits, and being a mistress was a happy lifestyle option, there would be more people advocating it.

There doesn't seem to be many posters thrilled with this way of living.

As for the mistress having the home etc bought for etc, how awful must that be, living like a bird in a gilded cage.

I live in the United Kingdom, and I adhere to this culture. If I wanted to follow a different one I would emigrate.

There doesn't seem to be many posters thrilled with this way of living.

Only a masochist would come to MN to post about being a happy OW.

If people are happy they dont think about what others think, and are often willing to talk about it to say how well it works.

Also in media, and real life, there are not many who advocate it. Therefore it is only participated in by a minority.

If people are happy they dont think about what others think, and are often willing to talk about it to say how well it works.

Not here. Unless they are happy and very stupid.

Even happy OW know that their lifestyle is frowned upon by most other people, to say the least. Concern at best, pitchforks at worst.

It works for them, but why would they feel the need to advocate it to anyone else?

Pardon me? You think because you were in an abusive relationship that gives you the green light to participate in shitting all over another woman?

Exactly.
There are plenty of single men out there.
Why pick a married man to lean on.
Anyway, being in an abusive relationship doesn't give you the right to destroy another couple's marriage.
That's a very poor excuse.

Pinkfrocks.
In France they are more open about having another OW.
It's a fairer playing field.

I think what most people object to and find disgusting when it comes to affairs in our culture, is that when cheating does goes on, one of the people involved in the relationship is:

Lied to.
Kept in the dark, and
Treated as a nuisance who is' in the way'

Why would you do that to another person you supposedly care about?

If you want to screw around with another OW at least have the decency to tell your wife, so that she will have some choices open to her.
It would at least free her up to either,
find her own OM, or
Be on her own, or
Meet someone who is willing to be faithful to her.

Whilst I do abhor OW, I think they get a lot more venom than the H in question. I don't think OW destroy marriages, I think the husbands are single-handedly responsible. Husbands are not objects and thus cannot be stolen. I agree that OW must have a gaping hole somewhere in their lives to even countenance sleeping with a MM but it is not them who took vows or promised commitment.

I think you have got that right InTheBox ... in some cases, the men have just gone after the OW (or women gone after OM) - okay they should say no (I am sure some do) but the OW/OM always gets blames, when realistically, it should be the one going off in first place (i.e. DP DH etc) as there is always a choice.

I never blamed the OW in my situation. MY XH knew what he was doing. She was also married although at time she told my XH she was divorced (I later found out she had a habit of shagging anybody). She didn't care who she hurt and still doesn't, as she is still the same as she has never been faithful to XH. He got his karma too I guess.

I blamed her for the trouble she caused after and for trying to stop my XH having anything to do with DD (thankfully he has always put DD first). She recently got her karma when XH decided to finally break away from her and started seeing someone else. Can't tell you how happy that made me! XH and have always got on well and she has always hated that.

Such a sensitive subject really. Never any justification for cheating BUT if I am honest, I can sometimes see how vulnerability for whatever reason can lead to it. Sorry just my view.

"but why would they feel the need to advocate it to someone else?"

Haven't you ever felt the need to "shout it from the roof tops".

Called "being in love". That feeling of being in confident in the lifestyle and partner/husband/boyfriend/lover/hunky man that is in your life. Who is by the way enhancing your life, and supporting him also.

How many more women will believe a man who will not leave his wife/girlfriend that he will?

Haven't you ever felt the need to "shout it from the roof tops.

Affairs are generally secret. That's what makes them affairs. If a woman is happy with her situation, she's obviously not going to jeopardise it by shouting it from the rooftops. Even anonymously.

And happy OW are rarely in love. That's what makes them happy...

It's the unhappy OW who issue ultimatums, or accidentally on purpose let the wife know.

TheStoic - not sure I agree with you that OW "are rarely in love". Imagine all those lonely Christmas's, etc only someone in love could endure that surely.

As for secrecy it does get revealed at some point, or become an "open secret".
I remember when I was growing up, a neighbour being a mistress as far as I know a mistress for most of her life, and everyone knowing. Very sad.
Difficult to believe that such a relationship exists in 2015.

Interesting the amount of misogyny and vitriol that is being directed at women on this thread. And how little anger is being directed at the cheating spouses.

The only person you should be really furious with is your cheating spouse. They're the ones who took vows of commitment to you and then gallantly screwed you over. Literally. I wonder if making the OW out to be a subhuman, bunny boiler is a tactic some wronged spouses use to create an allegiance with their cheating partner. To try and get them on side. As a way to justify staying in an unfaithful relationship.

As a disclaimer I've never been with someone who was already in a relationship, but to expect loyalty and respect from a complete stranger is bizarre. The issue lies firmly with the cheating spouse.

TheStoic - not sure I agree with you that OW "are rarely in love".

I didn't actually say 'OW', I said 'happy OW.'

There are certainly plenty of OW who are miserable, and they are usually the ones who are 'in love'.

But to think all OW are sad, lonely individuals with low self esteem, who are settling for crumbs and are pining after someone else's husband, is just not accurate. Plenty are perfectly happy with the arrangement they've got.

Neverwhatitseems

I don't know what you went through you are correct
I also don't care
I'm astounded that you think because you was in an abusive relationship it gives you the God given right to become a home wrecker!!!
Destroy a little boys whole world (yes along side his arsehole dad)
You as a women should know better and feel empthay to his wife regardless of they lived like brother and sister (bullshit)

Nothing absolutely NOTHING excuses what you did!
Plenty of single men out there you could have leaned on

Interesting the amount of misogyny and vitriol that is being directed at women on this thread. And how little anger is being directed at the cheating spouses

Well since this is a thread by an 'ow' and has got people trying to defend being an ow, that's why.

It's not misogynistic to be disgusted in a woman who has done wrong.

Everyone knows the cheating spouses are more to blame, but since they aren't here..

I don't agree that OW are not to blame. In my case, the OW pursued my husband, knowing we had a very small child and then had the fucking nerve to issue "ultimatums". She pursued him very many years ago when we were fairly newly married and then started again when her husband was killed. I am sorry, but I have nothing but contempt for her. Of course my husband is equally to blame, he chose to forget the vows he made and betray me and the kids in the worst way possible. Together they are utterly toxic and spend their lives trying to make mine miserable. Indeed, I have just returned from the police station where I was finally released from bail having been accused of "harassment" by texting my husband a few home truths about the effects of his behaviour on our little boy. These two utterly shameless twats have created such a huge web of lies around their "relationship" that they don't know what to do next. Good luck to them, they're going to need it.

Justanaveragegirl...so much of what you said resonates with me!

Thestoic - yes I see now, I appreciate your point. There are those who are happy being the mistress. And the husband is happy living in his deceit I guess too.
Tis a strange world sometimes.
An interesting and informative thread.
The other thread about single women after married men is much discussed too.

Only on MN have I ever heard that the OW is in no way to blame for the breakup of a marriage.
It's not what most people think in real life.

Yes, the wayward spouse holds most of the responsibility, but the OW plays a big part in it.
Anybody who thinks otherwise is deluded and living in a dream world.

Tiptops never heard of solidarity? N this is actually a thread about being the OW not infidelity in general so naturally she will get the more shade.

I agree the main person responsible for infidelity within a marriage is the one who took the vows n they r horrible but OW or OM also facilitates this n show themselves to be selfish n of low morals doing something that would devastate another person n family were the affair to be found out - all for their own pleasure.

Fwiw I've never cheated on or been cheated on (to my knowledge) but can imagine the devastation it causes n can c that both parties involved in an affair should accept responsibility. The OW/OM less so than the married party but still needs to accept that their actions have contributed to a marriage breakdown.

I don't agree that OW are not to blame. In my case, the OW pursued my husband, knowing we had a very small child and then had the fucking nerve to issue "ultimatums". She pursued him very many years ago when we were fairly newly married

But in MN world, that OW was a sweet, innocent person who didn't know what she was doing

Anybody who thinks otherwise is deluded and living in a dream world.

How are you divvying up the responsibility? 70% spouse and 30% OW/M?
Or 60/40 or 90/10? It's not a zero sum game.

Each situation is different but I think it's entering a whole new territory to lay the blame at the OWs door as if to suggest that men just cannot control their primal urges from hellbent vixens intent on 'stealing' them.