I am the OW

[headinthesand55]

I have been having an affair with a man for 4 years - with it getting most serious within the last 10-12 months.

I have known about his girlfriend from the beginning. She has found out on a few odd occasions and we have stopped once or twice but we both always go back to each other. I think the initial stages for him were just a bit of fun but he has recently admitted about 3 months ago how he realises how much I mean to him and how he thinks about leaving home every day to be with me.

We have just spent a night away together in a hotel and it was amazing. We both said I love you a few months back and he is absolutely lovely to me and makes me very happy. But obviously, he still hasn't left her. He has a holiday booked with her and mentioned it last night so I know he still plans on being with her in a few months when they go.

I just cannot bring myself to end it with him even thought I know what I am doing is wrong.

He makes me feel amazing and so happy, and I miss him incredibly when we aren't together and he says the same. He has been part of my life for 4 years and I know him very well, but I know I cannot go on for another 4 like this!

Do I give him an outright ultimatum? I know most people on here will say he won't leave her, and I think deep down that is true. However, a mutual friend of ours recently found out her boyfriend was having an affair and he was going on about how she should get shut of him and not stay with him just because they own a house together. He too owns a house with his girlfriend.

Do I tell him exactly how I feel and ask what his plans are? Earlier in the week he said he doesn't know what he is doing with his life and it's a mess.

I am an ow. Although it was a very very long time ago now. There were 8 children involved in the fall out. It's something I will always regret but nonetheless never change. We were both married to people we were not suited to, and found each other. Nothing more vacuous than hearing 'he creates a vacancy' nonsense (23 yrs on The vacancy is still unfilled)
However in this case I can't help but feel it doesn't bode well for any party. IMHO if you are going to leave you family for another, it's done fairly swiftly. Leaving for the OW is something that men do,when they have been waiting for the right opportunity. Men rarely leave a marriage to be on their own unless there are no kids involved, unless the marriage is horrendous. Instead they will stay put until there is another 'comfort' to go to. OP, - he has had four years of opportunity, he could have left at any time. He hasn't . He is a player and enjoying both worlds - and it's not just the sex - he is enjoying the undivided attention that his wife is quite rightly directing to his dc and he now enjoys with you. By keeping you sweet he has hot sex, maximum attention AND his dcs's - why would he change his set up ? - knock it on the head, he will have to make a choice.

By keeping you sweet he has hot sex

I bet he's having 'hot sex' with his wife as well.

MM nearly always spin the OW the line ''My wife and I don't sleep together any more''.
It's right up there with other classics such as ''my wife doesn't understand me'' and
''Even though I'm having to go on a two week holiday in a beautiful location in a 4 start hotel, don't worry OW - I won't have hot sex with the wife, the whole time I'm away''

Pull the other one! When they go away with their wives, the combination of sun, sea, great food and drinks - means they are more than likely at it like rabbits most nights! And mornings and afternoons -

while you are waiting at home for the leftover 'crumbs' and if you are lucky, maybe a seedy experience in a Premier Inn now and again.

You can kid yourself that you are getting the best bits.
But you're not really. Are you?

Did someone genuinely just come onto a thread and pretend to be an OW? To prove a point to a friend? And then 'lol'?

Yes, OW are just hilarious. My three kids laughed and laughed when their Dad left for his OW.

Oh, hang on, no they didn't. They cried their fucking eyes out and I'm still dealing with the fallout from it two fucking years later.

You should be fucking ashamed of yourself, Looby.

Where's your empathy?

Ahh Looby, apologies, bless you...

If you're trying to prove the point to your 'friend' that, even if you're not an OW, you have zero empathy and are a complete and utter bitch, carry on...

Whisk...you and I need to go the pub. Fucking fucking nightmare, it really is. I feel your pain and live it every day. Fuck the fuck off OW's everywhere... if only you knew...I cannot describe how angry it makes me, vile, selfish bitches. Urgh to you x

Jones Utter bitch indeed. Totally without empathy, either than or must indeed be 15 and is none the wiser about the realities of life...

Loobyloo, you're a wee bit of a dickhead, aren't you?

And kitten, really hope you're right about there being no vacancy.....there's always been a lack of integrity, right? That's how it all started after all.

Without that lack of integrity and honesty, well, you wouldn't be with your darling now, right?

Dress it up how you want.

Looby did you really just say..... Don't get your knickers in a twist women?!..... I'm, i, actually don't know what to say to that

4 years he hasnt left her she found out (he probably begged her not to leave him ) and still you are with him is that how much you value yourself a bit on the side

I do love the fact that some posters are mocking 'all' ow. Thing is. I am remorseful, I do feel like a fool, I do now realise the whole script thing. But my mind set is different now to what it was.

Mock away and stay on your high horse. Because I once was like you lot. "How could she do that " etc... until you are actually in the position of a broken woman from an abusive relationship, you couldn't possibly understand.

I have always lived by the rule book. Nobody would have expected me to be a ow. Me included. I'm not proud but I understand why I allowed myself to get involved. I learnt the hard way. I also learned never to let myself get in a position where I am too vulnerable and grateful for another nans affections. I know I'm a good person. I won't be made to feel otherwise for my mistake

Pardon me? You think because you were in an abusive relationship that gives you the green light to participate in shitting all over another woman?

You know nothing about my relationship other than my ex left for someone else so don't assume I don't know about abuse.

I absolutely reserve the right to get on my high horse regarding OW. You had a choice. You made a shitty choice. Don't you dare try to justify your crapping on someone.

You're an adult. Behave like one and own your choices.

Absolute craziness how some are defending this utter skank and any ow quite frankly! Never have never ever would be an ow EVER!! Even to a worst enemy never any excuse even tne sob story I was in an abusive relationship? Scared to leave yet not scared to go screw around and wreck someone else's life? I'm glad he shit on you and hope you get shit on again from a great height! Maybe the ow will be from an absuive relationship too and you can then forgive her and happily hand your man over! Unbelievable

I've been cheated on. I know what it's like. I also said I'd never ever be an ow.

I was though. And I stand by what I say. My mind was all over the place and I felt rescued. Pathetic? Yes. But my mind and well being was at a different place back then

Dosnt excuse what you did

Been some pretty shit times in my life
Never did I think hey I know I become a slut and wreck someone else's life to make me feel better

Pathetic?
VERY!

Whisk

I'm not mocking all OW.

I think all OW are selfish, just as I think all OM are selfish.

I think any person having an affair is selfish.

They may have excuses, but primarily, the main reason is a selfish one....

Kerry. At the end of the day, you do not know or understand what I personally was going through. I don't like what I did but I will excuse it.

Slut, ? Nope. It was never the sneaking around I got a thriller out of. It was the feeling appreciated and wanted. I believed he wanted me but couldn't as he was scared he'd never see his son again. He said they lived life brother and sister bringing up a baby.

Of course I know now that was not the case. Living with an abuser though, it's quite difficult not nlto believe the bull shit

It genuinely baffles me why single women are happy to be the OW.

It may be hard for most people to believe, but the OW 'set up' can be EXACTLY what some women want.

No commitment, no daily drudgery, no in laws, no arguments about kids/money/housework. Just passionate sex with someone they're attracted to, that they can wave off afterwards.

Not all OW want to be the wife/SO. In fact, many would dump the married man in an instant if he left his wife.

They want no strings fun, just like the married man does.

Neverwhatitseems, you should feel shit about what you did regardless of your poor old me state of mind at the time.

There is never an excuse or valid reason to take part in adultery.

But that must just be me and my simplistic and judgemental morality.

The way you talk, you make it sound as if you had no choice because of your state of mind.

some countries and some social classes have a totally different approach to mistresses- in fact in some countries a man is deemed to be less of a man if he doesn't have one.

France, anyone?

Not all westernised nations take the same attitude to relationships.

And some women have had very nice lives being a mistress. As the PP said- no daily chores, no strings, just sex and dinner as and when. And sometimes it suits the wives too- no horrid sex with a man they perhaps no longer fancy, but a nice comfortable home, security and a father around for their children. Happy to 'share' him rather than divorce.

Just saying.

It takes all sorts.

Kitten said, . ."they will stay put until there is another "comfort" to go to" . I think this is accurate, and as such it shows their mentality. It reveals that they are unwilling to work through what issues of difficulty there was in their marriage, and as such continue to carry their baggage into the next relationship. And they are unwilling to spend time, living alone after divorce.

It doesn't allow the new mistress relationship to have the normality of the getting to know a new person phase either, which is important for new relationships.
It all seems very badly thought out and desperate.

Pink frocks also mentioned that some wives seem to "accept" him having a mistress, which is true. Maybe this is what many of these men want.
I very much doubt that being a mistress is fun at all though.

I don't see that either wife or mistress should share when they can have the choice of a "whole" man.

I don't see that either wife or mistress should share when they can have the choice of a "whole" man.

But that is the point!
Some women just want a FWB and if he's married and his wife turns a blind eye, that's all fine and dandy. They don't want commitment, or babies, or in-laws or dirty underpants.

Don't forget that in some social circles, mistresses have a home, income and security provided by the man. It's not always grubby fondlings in a hotel or at the back of the filing cabinets.

As said before- not my own lifestyle choice but in some cultures this is acceptable and may even be a happier solution than multiple divorces.

Might be pinkfrocks, but in our culture, choice is an important thing to have. The reason many feel strongly about affairs is that the choice is taken away from one party - the 'cuckolded' person.