What would you think if OW text this?

[lilybutton]

Just found 4 years worth of messages between DH and his colleague.

Very flirty on both sides both way out of line but impossible to tell if anything ever happened but they both obviously wanted it to.

I have just messaged her to tell her what I have seen and she replied that she takes 100% responsibility and that he loves me.

He is denying everything.

Feel so sick he is coming home from work now to talk about it.

Their texts were sexual so that's not just flirty talk.

Has he spent time away from you at night over the last four years?

That is exactly the line I got, 'I was messaging her to make her feel better' - she had cancer. But she also had friends, family and a DP, so why did she need my husband to make her feel better? Because it was nothing of the sort, it was a massive ego boost to him and to her, purely selfish reasons, not an altruistic hero.

Granted my situation is different, mental health problems and psychosis, but your H is lying. Contacting OW will get you nowhere, she will lie also.

The fact that he has gotten annoyed with you for contacting her really doesn't look good does it?

You want to believe him because you want it to be true... There is no real evidence it isn't

What you need to do is remember why you felt something was wrong this last year. Has he been away at night with work or something else. These would be times with her.

Lilybutton, you are being played. How devastating for you. You might never get the truth out of him but what you do know at the moment suggests at the very least a long, sneaky friendship that has crossed the line. Please don't apologise for him, he's a grown up and he's made his own choices. And trying to engage with her to find answers won't help because OW has zero incentive to tell you anything truthful.

Right now, it would be helpful to focus on yourself and what you need and want. You need protecting and care after this horrible shock and betrayal, be selfish. Your faith in life is being shaken. If you want to work things out, reach out to friends, family, professionals for help, whether or not your partner joins in. Don't keep it inside because that means other people's crap poisons your values and feelings. Anger, rage, hurt etc needs directing towards those who have caused it, otherwise it will build inwardly and that seems quite harsh on you. Wishing you courage and strength. be honest with yourself, even if others aren't brave enough to be open and honest with you.

He is bullshitting
He has told you what he wants you to believe and now you have to leave it just in case you discover the truth

lilly I'd be interested to know what sort of dynamic your marriage has generally?

I can't imagine my dh having the nerve to get annoyed with me in this situation! Even if every word he said was true, he would understand how it looks, and be intent on reassuring me this was as he said.

(It isn't he's talking bollocks, but I'm wondering how he's got you so malleable?)

Question... Why OP do you think he kept the messages for 4 years? Surely, if he was just making her feel better hers and his would have gone, been of no consequences.

Your husband is lying; they're both in damage limitation - she's already left her husband so you cannot get revenge there - your husband is making sure that his bases are covered.

4 years is a relationship, I'm sorry.

It's all very strange, OP. I didn't realise you had children as you didn't mention them till many posts in; I hope they are ok. The focus should be on your husband, not what the OW thinks/says, she is not your concern unless you are her (which you are not).

It really does sound like he is lying. 4 years is a long time to let yourself be pursued by someone you're not interested in. It sounds like they have agreed a story. Does he have an iPhone? If so, if he backs up to the Cloud or iTunes you can restore deleted text messages unless he has turned off text message back up. Read up on how to do it and restore his messages, if he has nothing to hide he will let you. If he has a different phone see if you can research if it has a similar function. Does he have an itemised phone bill? Look for patterns in his calls to her. If he was away on a 'business trip' or overnight and the pattern changes/he didn't call her you can be fairly confident they were together.

I've just reread your posts lily, there is no chance whatsoever that they are not in a relationship. They are protecting each other.

In his position, the only thing he can do now is lie, what would he gain from being honest? He thinks that you being unsure is much better than you knowing the truth.

You don't have to believe him or drop this just because he is getting angry. He has no justification for being angry. He is the one who is in the wrong.

You seem tempted to sweep it under the carpet. If you do, know that it will still be there. You can't unsee those messages; forget his completely unapologetic response; or appease the uneasy feeling you have had for over a year. He wants you to pretend it never happened because it makes it easier for him. You don't have to make this easier for him. You have to make it right for you.

Go away for a few days. Tell him you need time to think about it. He's had 4 years to deal with his feelings about this woman and the texts/social catch-ups You deserve time to think about it too because if you don't take the time - if you let him bully you into dropping this -you will always be wondering. Talk to people about it in RL and be open that you're talking about it in RL. If he has nothing to be sorry about then he won't have a problem with you openly discussing this with your family and his. But he won't want you telling anyone because he knows he isn't innocent and that they will see through his bullshit.

Also know that if you let him act as though this is unimportant then you are setting a new boundary in your relationship that says it's ok for him to text and meet a woman in secret. It's ok for him to send her compliments and sexy/flirty messages. You're telling him that you are ok with that. You can't possibly be so don't move forward on more shifting sand.

PLEASE listen to these people, we can tell just from what you've told us that he's lying. He is trying to cover his back, obviously. And you've played straight into his hands.
If you were in his situation would you have met up with another man without telling your dh? Where's the trust and openness?? That's bad enough as a start. Let alone continuing to text and call her.
HASNT SHE GOT ANY FRIENDS?!
"She had no one else" bullshit. She didn't need your husband, that was an excuse to worm her way in, and he knows it. And it worked.

Basically, speaking from experience... Take your rose tinted glasses off and smell the coffee.
And actually, I would call her to find out if their stories match. He will get caught out..

He may indeed genuinely love you and the children very much. That doesn't always prevent people having affairs, though. It's called compartmentalising. Wife, children, home in one box, mistress (or, er, friend with a little flirting ) in another.

I'm sorry but your husband has had a full blown affair and you are playing right up his street by being angry with the OW and believing what he says.

This all sounds a bit odd to me but taken at face value:

-you said the messages were inappropriate - what would your husband say if you had been exchanging the same with another man?
-it can't be 100% her fault unless she wrote and replied to all the messages herself
-if it was innocent he would have told you about it
-if it was innocent he would be doing everything he can to prove that and wouldn't be 'angry' you contacted her
-he is angry you contacted her because he wants to protect her and is worried it might scare her off
-ask to see his phone records and bank statements. Don't be afraid to ask for these. If he can't or won't produce them or makes you feel bad for asking he is hiding something
-he didn't keep the msgs because it was innocent but because they mean something

You didn't mention in your original post but explained later that you had suspected something for a year and asked him outright a month ago. You must have had cause to suspect. What gave you cause? Is this why you were looking for evidence? You've still not said where you found these messages (or I missed it). Were they emails, texts? On what device did you find them?

Whatever way you look at what you are saying quite a lot isn't right here.

They are having an affair. That's it really.

lilybutton there are a few things that are jumping out at me.
Firstly, you say your DH is a lovely guy, adores you and the kids. This board is full of women saying that their kind,thoughtful,loving Dh is having an affair. He then turns into a nasty arse.
Second, you say that he is lovely and kind. But the minute he hears you have texted a woman that he claims has pursued him, he has the bloody cheek to get annoyed at you?! That is a mega arse right there. He has blatantly lied to your face quite happily for four years, FOUR YEARS,but you are not allowed to question her,or him at all? Come on lilybutton you know that is wrong.
He doesn't want you to discuss, question or annoy him about this.That says an awful lot to me.
This will fester OP, you can't move on (if you want to) without acceptance,accountability and truth.

Lily I know you don't like what you are hearing and that's understandable but have a look through the relationship board at the thousands of posts exactly like yours. Starts off the same and then it all comes out over the next couple of weeks. Be prepared for so much more.

OP you say that your husband is kind and loves you. I'm sure that's true. But he's also been lying and disrespecting you for years, he's betrayed you and invested time and emotion in this other relationship.

Whatever you decide to do next, you need to do it with an honest appraisal of the facts. This, of course, is probably impossible if you are still reeling and don't know which way is up. For the first 48 hours I couldn't even find words for how I was feeling or thinking.

Please ensure that you get the space you need to process this and that you are getting some food down you. I'm not sure that anything he says right now is going to be in your best interests and if he is acting normal that may be very confusing for you because this isn't a normal day.

I'm guessing as Lily has not been she is either in complete pieces or carrying on as if nothing has happened.

Hope she is ok though.

What a lovely thing to Sugar but yes I agree maybe just wait now. As for DH well they don't understand womens things :)