What would you think if OW text this?

[lilybutton]

Just found 4 years worth of messages between DH and his colleague.

Very flirty on both sides both way out of line but impossible to tell if anything ever happened but they both obviously wanted it to.

I have just messaged her to tell her what I have seen and she replied that she takes 100% responsibility and that he loves me.

He is denying everything.

Feel so sick he is coming home from work now to talk about it.

He's lying. And deep inside you know that... so she's been intensely pursuing him for 4 years, and he kept that a secret? Just imagine tables were turned and a male colleague (even if a friend) were keen on you. Would you spend 4 YEARS secretly messaging him (including sexual messages )?? No because you would know you would be betraying your husband.

I know you don't want to believe it, but he has slept with her. I'm so sorry.

*was keen on you

Hi Lily, so sorry you are going through this.

If I'd started reading your thread last night, I would've been flamed for suggesting that I thought it sounded like just messaging, which is still a betrayal in my eyes, BUT now that I've read the whole thread through and your update I call BS!

just to make HER feel better what about YOU his wife, he didn't stop to think how inappropriate this was or how the deceit would hurt you! He's minimising, she's minimising.

Whether you stay and work on your marriage is your decision, personally I'd only consider that if there was transparency, honesty and a genuine effort from your husband to make things right.

Sorry

He's lying and you know it. Sorry

hugs

But he not that kind of person - he loves me and the children.

Don't get me wrong I am angry and upset but he is a decent person and she did really pursue him.

Oh I'm so sorry OP but I think he's lying.

Either way, he's cheated on you, putting his time, energy and thought into caring for and supporting another woman. He has really badly let you down.

lilybutton you can only chase someone if they run.

Do his messages back to her look cold, disinterested, standoffish?
Or is he joining in?

You are talking about the texts being one sided, you weren't in the Op. You have also had niggling worries about them.

I think you deserve the truth now, I hope you get it.

Yes I have had concerns about them for about a year but never said anything to anyone and couldn't even say why just women's intuition.

I did ask him last month and he denied anything.

If he was trying to hide something why didn't he delete the messages?

He is VERY complementary to her he has never said those things to me but we have been together since school but said it was just to make her feel better about herself.

He messaged her to tell her he is sorry if she got the wrong idea.

He is very sorry to me.

I'm sorry OP, but I just wouldn't believe that. I'm not saying LTB or anything, but I just wouldn't be believing that.

4 years is such a long time. That is so hurtful.

Lilly he is that kind of person. How can he love you when at best he's been having an emotional affair for four years? You've been suspicious for a year and bothered to snoop and find the messages.
Of course he's sorry - you've caught him out.

Why not ring her and say he's admitted everything but you'd like to hear her side.

He is VERY complementary to her he has never said those things to me but we have been together since school but said it was just to make her feel better about herself.

Why doesn't he compliment you to make you feel good about yourself?

He apologised to her for "giving her the wrong impression"?

For four years?

Come on.

The only person who has the wrong impression here is you.

I have sent her a message telling her not to reply to my message among other things!!

I have sent her quite a few messages but think i should leave it now plus DH said to leave it and was annoyed I had messaged her at all.

I can't call her now and ask for her side of the story.

What does 'met her socially a few times' actually mean?

I assume that is dates/going out for drinks and meals/meeting up just the two of them without your knowledge/visiting her at her home.

the only person who has the wrong impression here is you. ^^

no they went out for coffee at work

because she was upset and needed someone to talk to

She is not the one who has betrayed you.

Excuse me? hes annoyed?

oP... Please.... This has been going on 4 years... 4 YEARS... And you are supposed to move on in the space of a,morning.

Seriously?

DH said to leave it and was annoyed I had messaged her at all.

Interesting.

He's spent four years telling another woman she is beautiful and stunning, but he is annoyed with you.

How does that work?

If it's OK for him to text her about how much he fancies her for nearly half a decade, why can't you talk to her too?

He is lying. I'm sorry.

She would have slept with him if he hadn't been so strong?

Does he think you came down in the last shower?

Do stop messaging her.
There's no sisterhood here, she isn't going to do anything apart from try and protect her position.
If you have access to all four years of messages then his involvement should be clear. Unless he has repeatedly and consistently said 'I am married. I am not interested. Stop contacting me' then I think you can infer that he has been an active participant.
I appreciate that you want to believe that it didn't progress from her sending a few flirty messages because that allows you to keep your husband and move on. But honestly he minimising and it is extremely unlikely that this wasn't a long standing and full blown affair.