Cocklodger or AIBU?!

[Mugonhead]

Hi all
I've name changed for this. really could use some advice as I feel like I'm in a potentially bad situation but for some reason sort of embarrassed to talk about it in RL.

Basically it's about my dp of one year. He is in the forces and works about an hour from where I live right now (though this could change depending on his next posting this time next year.) He comes to stay at my flat every weekend religiously and often takes extra leave days which he will invariably spend at mine. I live in London and I think he misses the London lifestyle from before joining up (in his mid twenties) and definitely would rather spend any free time in London than in his posting which is in the middle of nowhere really. I love him and I miss him during the week - but something has begun to niggle at me about this since I read about cocklodgers on MN! He's a lovely guy on the face of it all, but can be manipulative of people- one of his exes still doesn't know he cheated on her for 3 months. I should say I have rubbish judgement having been in an awful EA relationship before him. So while this is long, please please bear with me and help if you can!

Basically I know he's a tight person- since we started dating he didn't really do the paying for stuff/grand gesture type thing. We have pretty much always split 50/50 and he has even had sort of rants about how much he hates women who expect the guy to pay for everything and he would never do that even on like a first date. Ok, I'm an independent woman and I don't expect the guy to pay, but looking back at that it seems a bit of a red flag. He constantly says he is broke towards the end of the month, but I know he pays about £150pcm for his room on base, and he doesn't have other big overheads except the train fare to see me at weekends which with his forces discount is not much at all. For me, I rent a typically expensive london flat by myself and also have a child whose dad doesn't pay child support (another story!) so I shoulder those costs and while I have always earned under the national average and don't have a lot of disposable income, I make ends meet. My dc and I are currently living on rapidly dwindling small savings as I was made redundant a couple of months ago, though starting a new job next month which pays the same as my old salary. And yet we are still splitting stuff 50/50 when my dp is round at weekends (everything including stuff we cook at my home though he buys me the occasional fast food) and he has never offered to pay anything towards my rent or bills despite basically living at mine when he is not at work (I realised this when I saw my address was set as "Home" on his google maps!) I asked him if he would contribute even a small bit towards my rent knowing how tiny his rent on camp is and the fact that he earns more than I ever hAve anyway. He did not like the idea and said he already has his own place (on camp) and that he only comes because he wants to see me, which is nice but it feels like he's making me feel like I should feel privileged for his company when actually it's like I've got a live in dp (especially on weeks when he has extra leave and is around for 3,4,5 days.) None of this has changed even in the period I have been out of work even though he has seen me stressed about money. Everytime I talk about money worries he starts going on about his own money stresses but I just don't get how he can have any! He always says he's spent his entire pay cheque by the end of the month which if true is impressive because even earning less than him, with a dc to singlehandedly support and a big rent and bills, I was always able to put a little bit away at the end of month.

I think he does have very expensive tastes- he thinks nothing of £40 on a tshirt, hates h&m, primark which I live in, and only likes designer. He often seems to spend about £50 on drinks when he goes out in London to meet friends (which he has done a few times while ostensibly staying At mine for the weekend, I can't usually go because of dc, but it has sometimes made me feel like a free london hotel!) he proposes we go for meals/cinema but I always feel I have to pay half as he doesn't usually say he will pay for it. I have unsurprisingly found this financially very tricky while not in work! The one time I ever griped that I didn't like him going out all night then for a brunch the next morning without even inviting me, thus seeing london friends and doing london stuff while staying in my flat, he got angry and accused me of not appreciating him coming to see me. But if it wasn't for me he couldn't live his very cherished london lifestyle iyswim? To be honest, I might not mind if he even paid anything towards my flat as he treats it like his second home and over Xmas for example he would expect to be there... Or if he took care of groceries, wine or something at weekends. Anything to make it feel a bit more fair! But I feel grumpy that he's pleading poverty when he's on a good salary, he expects 50/50 when Im not on regular income and am paying for his weekend retreat constantly, and that he can be so irresponsible in the face of it eg. Buying a "spare" phone charger at £50 for no real reason, buying a £350 coat because it was in the "sale" at selfridges, buying hair products at £18 a pop. Does he think I'm stupid?

Sorry that was so long but I just am sick of worrying about money, I don't see this changing as he has the constant excuse that he's the one making the effort to come see me and yet he doesn't see my at (where he keeps increasingly more of his stuff, comes to every weekend even if I'm thinking of making other plans with skmekne else once in a while (he sulks), and even had a key cut for "in case of emergency".) I feel like I may be being taken for a mug. I would like us to commit to a more joint financial relationship. Or is he just a cocklodger?!

Argh please help wise mumsnetters! I've been turning this over in my mind and I don't know what to do!

Based on your OP, he sounds like a cocklodger.

I went out with someone from the Army many many moons ago, to my massive regret. Although I am sure there are many decent blokes in the Forces, my experience is fairly similar to yours. He basically moved into my house without consulting me and expected me to be happy about it. He was also an arch manipulator.

I do think there is a culture where because living expenses are paid, with a fairly nominal contribution, that there isn't any grasp on what normal people pay in living expenses. I also recognise the frittering away of high disposable income.

There is nothing in your OP which actually states what you like about him. I would agree that he is treating your place as a London pad. Sorry - I don't think he is a keeper.

I think that a certain poster is on holiday, because otherwise she would be on here asking if he's got a diamond encrusted golden cock.

Too busy to give more notice?! What a wanker! Does he think you should just sit around waiting for his plans? Oh no, you can't can you, too busy working and looking after your child.

Just this alone would make me get rid, apart from the plethora of other horrid behaviour.

Don't settle for this love, you really don't have to. There's oodles of blokes who respect and like independent women like yourself. Date them instead.

You sound awesome OP, you deserve much much better than him and I'm sure you won't be without a (great, supportive, loving) BF long (or happy being alone if you wish to).

Nicki- yeah, I do think he managed my expectations down early in hindsight. It made me think, would he really be painting himself as such a miser if I was some woman he really wanted to impress?! :( I think he does have a lot of issues with women. His own dad is a cocklodger who is completely funded by his partner (and yet calls up my "d"p to bitch about said partner all the time.) he doesn't like women who are outspoken, feminist or what he would consider slutty.

It's interesting what the poster (can't remember name im sorry! I'm on the wrong page) said about forces guys being sometimes freeloaders. I wonder if that really is a thing. My guy and his friends from forces talk openly about how they only get married for extra benefits for army married couples. Romantic I though.

Changeasgood.. - thankyou, I chose this name because I really wonder if I have Mug written on my forehead sometimes! I know my expectations are all wrong, I guess it was my previous bad experiences which let me get so deep into another possibly toxic relationship.

And he ruined your mini-break (of which you paid half) by saying he couldn't enjoy it because it would break him financially. Arsehole.

Get that key back from him or change the lock. Otherwise, if you did tell him you weren't going to be there one weekend, I wouldn't put it past him to let himself in anyway.

Definitely tell him it's no longer working for you. He should be paying towards food at the very least. And 'too busy' for more than an hour's notice he's coming: what is he, James Bond? It's all disrespectful.

Thanks helloelo and everyone else for the votes of confidence! I was made a single mum young and I feel like I have almost no confidence left. I want to find a lovely man who treats me well but I worry I'm severely limited in that department by being a single mum. Oh well, my dc is everything to me. So many thoughts whizz ing round my brain thanks to this thread! I feel relieved to get this stuff out.

OP I hope if / when you call it a day with him (please let it be when, not if) that he will take it gracefully.

I had drunken visits declaring undying love, tearful phonecalls to my relatives asking them to intervene as I clearly couldn't see he was the best thing that had ever happened to me (I shit you not), absolutely years upon years of receiving letters and cards with those stupid circles above the 'i's instead of dots ...

Harassment legislation hadn't been invented then, but there did seem to be an element of thinking because declarations of love after being an arsehole worked for Hugh Grant et al in RomComs, that they would work for him. I may projecting, but I strongly suspect that it was a 'thing' amongst the Forces.

How about as a start, texting him to say you're glad he isn't up for anything big this weekend, as it doesn't suit to meet up anyway?

Tendon queen- I never really thought of that :( he sort Of tried to cover up getting the key done and came out with some lame excuse but he still has it. I know he cheated on a previous gf in their home because she worked away a lot, so he has previous for taking the piss sort of like that. Though he said he regretted that so much and would never do it again!

Rubbishmantra- yes it was a shame. That holiday had been way more expensive for me than for him given that I was/am so much poorer at this time. I felt like he was angry because i had run out of euros and was 10 euros short on the bill of that meal, so he put in an extra 10...but he had insisted on ordering a 25 euro bottle of wine that I didn't want! Argh, feel like I sound money obsessed again. Sorry..

You are not money obsessed OP he is so don't let that enter your head. He is taking the piss and you deserve so much better. You are doing an amazing job working and bringing up you child on your own. Don't let someone like him bring you down.

It can be scary being alone and company is nice even when you know the person isn't really the person you should be with. The only thing is if you stay with him you are missing out the chance of living your life the way you want it and being truly happy in your own skin.

You being happy will attract the right people into your life.

Is a tight fisted Man easier to dump than an emotionally abusive one?

He's the one who's money obsessed. 10 Euros broke the bank? Friends, DH and me put in extra bits for the bill from time to time. It evens out. We don't ruin everyone elses' time by moaning how it's ruined our good time. However, when with a tight/money obsessed partner, when you're very giving, can cause you to focus on the monetary aspect.

There's a saying that goes something like: Tight with money, tight with love.

Dump him, there are plenty of decent men in London. You sound like a very responsible and together person, find someone who will respect and spoil you. You sound like you deserve it.

he doesn't like women who are outspoken, feminist or what he would consider slutty. Total loser. Change your locks, tell him you've moved on and have done with it.

Maybe there will be a cute man at the next job. You never know...

he doesn't like women who are outspoken, feminist or what he would consider slutty.

I think you should invite him over for one last evening, stay in because he's too cheap to treat you to an evening out, and insist on watching feminist speakers on youtube all night, and/or the film (Vessel?) about Women on Waves. Tell him all about how you've been reading Germaine Greer (and/or other women, or maybe a male feminist - that might irritate him more) and how it makes so much sense and it's great to finally put someone else's words to your feelings.

Maybe even tell him about how you've learned of this thing called 'cocklodging', and elaborate on how outrageous you think it all is.

(Incidentally, my DP makes some jokes about how embarrassing it is that I spend time on Mumsnet, but he's always keen to hear about/read a shocking example of male behaviour. I have a feeling your 'D'P would only get irritated and not see the problem.)

I'm so sorry, OP, you sound so competent and capable but with very low self-esteem.

It really is quite nice to live on your own and you are so young that you have every chance in the world of finding someone worthwhile. I HATE cheap people. I know what it is to have to manage a budget, especially with a child so I am not referring to you. But this fella sound awful.

You said that he sees a future for you, but what do you see as the future for you and dd? If you had a child with him would he be expecting you to finance all your maternity leave and arrange and pay for childcare. Would he treat your dd as his - say if you went on a day trip would you have to pay for you, dd and half his child while he just pays for himself and half his child? Would you lose tax credits etc if he moved in and would he make up the difference? Would he go halves on the costs or say that you should pay more because you have dd? I know that you aren't at that stage but why waste your time and dd's time if the long term future with him doesn't look good.

My grandfather always said, "Cheap with money, cheap with love." Always been true in every case I've known. Your partner's a selfish tightarse with a bad history.

(Before someone says it - no, Grandpa wasn't attacking poor people or those who don't buy diamonds every birthday. He meant that in general, most people have some disposable income, and those who are obsessed with how little of it they can spend on a partner don't know how to love.)

Should add that Grandpa grew up in a very poverty stricken home - father died when he was 13, holes in his shoes and so on - but his family all gave each other what they could, in every sense.

You sound awesome, looking after your child, balancing the books and getting a new job- so what you really really don't need is him bringing you down. You do sound slightly desperate to keep him- and this is what he has utilized.

The things I don't like about him from reading your posts:

1. He gets angry when you challenge him, asking for notice of when he's arriving. This is not ok- why can't he let you know? You are not a hotel with a 24/7 check in facility. This is to put you in your place and can lead to abuse- you've already stopped asking due to the anger.

1. He doesn't like women who are feminist, opinionated or 'slutty' but mysteriously wants to go out loads on the London nightlife scene without you where he's likely to meet these type of women. Not liking 'feminists' is obvious, of course he wouldn't like women who expect to be treated equally or stand up to anger.

1. He never ever 'treats' you- everything is 50/50 even though you are a lone parent and he has tonnes of disposable income. I hate tight people.

1. He doesn't invest emotionally in the relationship- in the week, he just texts a bit, on the weekend, he's often out with others.

1. On the one holiday you had together, far from being a love-fest for two people falling in love, he was bitching about the cost and couldn't enjoy himself.

He may like your company, but I don't see any move or talk towards becoming a proper family at all- and my feeling is that if you pushed this, he'd be off like a shot.

You need to think why you have set your standards so low, I'm sure he says nice things, and is good company watching TV on weekends, but he treats you with contempt really, and has no investment in a long-term future with you- honestly, I'd move on.

Howrorebuild- not sure if you're referring to this but my EA ex dumped me, I didn't dump him (wish i had now obv!) he got into pattern of dumping me loads (couple of times by text!) then coming back and it messed with my head, made me feel completely insecure of romantic relationships to be honest. He also now says he "can't" see his dd because he holds a lot of anger towards me...

SmillasSense- he hates MN too! He doesn't know I post (touch wood) but the site has come up in convo and he thinks it's all just rampant man haters. He says this army forum takes the piss out of us on MN for that reason. But I've been reading posts on here since Dc was tiny and it's become a sort of haven for me as I don't have many mum friends and it feels like a little world, I see fab advice and support on here all the time. But he seems to vocally hate it. What else does he hate.. "Posh" girls, girls who "expect too much" eg. to be paid for, stay at home mums (he thinks they're lazy and all parents should work and pay 50/50), yet he also hates high powered career women because they're "like men". And also fat women, fat people in general. He's quite an angry person I think. He hates his mum too which I find unattractive, she's a nice woman.

Text fan- he's not an officer but I know he earns te top of his pay scale and he is getting a promotion next month. I don't really understand the "pay spines" high or low?

Muggling- I always pay for my dc when we three are out. Eg we went to a pool and I paid for me and her, he paid for him. I thought that was normal. I don't know why that would start to change tbh.

Sheba- he makes out like he came from poverty, but he went to an amazing state school, put through Uni and postgrad by his GPs, and his mum gave him a big loan which 5 years later she has asked him to pay back as she's retiring and he is furious, says she owes him it. Like I said before his dad is a cocklodger too. it's like he is proud of being tight and "clever" with getting something for nothing. He is v entitled.

Hpsauciness- you're right about it all. He has never bought me a present or anything, on my bday he took me to a shop I would never go to and basically insisted I choose something from there (which I never wear!) I hate the texting thing but he says he's too busy in the week.

Though he said he regretted that so much and would never do it again!

He is hardly going to say 'loved it - can't wait til you go out for the day love' is he?

My own feelings about forces or ex forces people is that I don't think I could ever be friends with someone who voluntarily signed up to murder women and children, let alone other men. End of.

Oh God, he sounds AWFUL.