Hi all
I've name changed for this. really could use some advice as I feel like I'm in a potentially bad situation but for some reason sort of embarrassed to talk about it in RL.
Basically it's about my dp of one year. He is in the forces and works about an hour from where I live right now (though this could change depending on his next posting this time next year.) He comes to stay at my flat every weekend religiously and often takes extra leave days which he will invariably spend at mine. I live in London and I think he misses the London lifestyle from before joining up (in his mid twenties) and definitely would rather spend any free time in London than in his posting which is in the middle of nowhere really. I love him and I miss him during the week - but something has begun to niggle at me about this since I read about cocklodgers on MN! He's a lovely guy on the face of it all, but can be manipulative of people- one of his exes still doesn't know he cheated on her for 3 months. I should say I have rubbish judgement having been in an awful EA relationship before him. So while this is long, please please bear with me and help if you can!
Basically I know he's a tight person- since we started dating he didn't really do the paying for stuff/grand gesture type thing. We have pretty much always split 50/50 and he has even had sort of rants about how much he hates women who expect the guy to pay for everything and he would never do that even on like a first date. Ok, I'm an independent woman and I don't expect the guy to pay, but looking back at that it seems a bit of a red flag. He constantly says he is broke towards the end of the month, but I know he pays about £150pcm for his room on base, and he doesn't have other big overheads except the train fare to see me at weekends which with his forces discount is not much at all. For me, I rent a typically expensive london flat by myself and also have a child whose dad doesn't pay child support (another story!) so I shoulder those costs and while I have always earned under the national average and don't have a lot of disposable income, I make ends meet. My dc and I are currently living on rapidly dwindling small savings as I was made redundant a couple of months ago, though starting a new job next month which pays the same as my old salary. And yet we are still splitting stuff 50/50 when my dp is round at weekends (everything including stuff we cook at my home though he buys me the occasional fast food) and he has never offered to pay anything towards my rent or bills despite basically living at mine when he is not at work (I realised this when I saw my address was set as "Home" on his google maps!) I asked him if he would contribute even a small bit towards my rent knowing how tiny his rent on camp is and the fact that he earns more than I ever hAve anyway. He did not like the idea and said he already has his own place (on camp) and that he only comes because he wants to see me, which is nice but it feels like he's making me feel like I should feel privileged for his company when actually it's like I've got a live in dp (especially on weeks when he has extra leave and is around for 3,4,5 days.) None of this has changed even in the period I have been out of work even though he has seen me stressed about money. Everytime I talk about money worries he starts going on about his own money stresses but I just don't get how he can have any! He always says he's spent his entire pay cheque by the end of the month which if true is impressive because even earning less than him, with a dc to singlehandedly support and a big rent and bills, I was always able to put a little bit away at the end of month.
I think he does have very expensive tastes- he thinks nothing of £40 on a tshirt, hates h&m, primark which I live in, and only likes designer. He often seems to spend about £50 on drinks when he goes out in London to meet friends (which he has done a few times while ostensibly staying At mine for the weekend, I can't usually go because of dc, but it has sometimes made me feel like a free london hotel!) he proposes we go for meals/cinema but I always feel I have to pay half as he doesn't usually say he will pay for it. I have unsurprisingly found this financially very tricky while not in work! The one time I ever griped that I didn't like him going out all night then for a brunch the next morning without even inviting me, thus seeing london friends and doing london stuff while staying in my flat, he got angry and accused me of not appreciating him coming to see me. But if it wasn't for me he couldn't live his very cherished london lifestyle iyswim? To be honest, I might not mind if he even paid anything towards my flat as he treats it like his second home and over Xmas for example he would expect to be there... Or if he took care of groceries, wine or something at weekends. Anything to make it feel a bit more fair! But I feel grumpy that he's pleading poverty when he's on a good salary, he expects 50/50 when Im not on regular income and am paying for his weekend retreat constantly, and that he can be so irresponsible in the face of it eg. Buying a "spare" phone charger at £50 for no real reason, buying a £350 coat because it was in the "sale" at selfridges, buying hair products at £18 a pop. Does he think I'm stupid?
Sorry that was so long but I just am sick of worrying about money, I don't see this changing as he has the constant excuse that he's the one making the effort to come see me and yet he doesn't see my at (where he keeps increasingly more of his stuff, comes to every weekend even if I'm thinking of making other plans with skmekne else once in a while (he sulks), and even had a key cut for "in case of emergency".) I feel like I may be being taken for a mug. I would like us to commit to a more joint financial relationship. Or is he just a cocklodger?!
Argh please help wise mumsnetters! I've been turning this over in my mind and I don't know what to do!