Cocklodger or AIBU?!

[Mugonhead]

Hi all
I've name changed for this. really could use some advice as I feel like I'm in a potentially bad situation but for some reason sort of embarrassed to talk about it in RL.

Basically it's about my dp of one year. He is in the forces and works about an hour from where I live right now (though this could change depending on his next posting this time next year.) He comes to stay at my flat every weekend religiously and often takes extra leave days which he will invariably spend at mine. I live in London and I think he misses the London lifestyle from before joining up (in his mid twenties) and definitely would rather spend any free time in London than in his posting which is in the middle of nowhere really. I love him and I miss him during the week - but something has begun to niggle at me about this since I read about cocklodgers on MN! He's a lovely guy on the face of it all, but can be manipulative of people- one of his exes still doesn't know he cheated on her for 3 months. I should say I have rubbish judgement having been in an awful EA relationship before him. So while this is long, please please bear with me and help if you can!

Basically I know he's a tight person- since we started dating he didn't really do the paying for stuff/grand gesture type thing. We have pretty much always split 50/50 and he has even had sort of rants about how much he hates women who expect the guy to pay for everything and he would never do that even on like a first date. Ok, I'm an independent woman and I don't expect the guy to pay, but looking back at that it seems a bit of a red flag. He constantly says he is broke towards the end of the month, but I know he pays about £150pcm for his room on base, and he doesn't have other big overheads except the train fare to see me at weekends which with his forces discount is not much at all. For me, I rent a typically expensive london flat by myself and also have a child whose dad doesn't pay child support (another story!) so I shoulder those costs and while I have always earned under the national average and don't have a lot of disposable income, I make ends meet. My dc and I are currently living on rapidly dwindling small savings as I was made redundant a couple of months ago, though starting a new job next month which pays the same as my old salary. And yet we are still splitting stuff 50/50 when my dp is round at weekends (everything including stuff we cook at my home though he buys me the occasional fast food) and he has never offered to pay anything towards my rent or bills despite basically living at mine when he is not at work (I realised this when I saw my address was set as "Home" on his google maps!) I asked him if he would contribute even a small bit towards my rent knowing how tiny his rent on camp is and the fact that he earns more than I ever hAve anyway. He did not like the idea and said he already has his own place (on camp) and that he only comes because he wants to see me, which is nice but it feels like he's making me feel like I should feel privileged for his company when actually it's like I've got a live in dp (especially on weeks when he has extra leave and is around for 3,4,5 days.) None of this has changed even in the period I have been out of work even though he has seen me stressed about money. Everytime I talk about money worries he starts going on about his own money stresses but I just don't get how he can have any! He always says he's spent his entire pay cheque by the end of the month which if true is impressive because even earning less than him, with a dc to singlehandedly support and a big rent and bills, I was always able to put a little bit away at the end of month.

I think he does have very expensive tastes- he thinks nothing of £40 on a tshirt, hates h&m, primark which I live in, and only likes designer. He often seems to spend about £50 on drinks when he goes out in London to meet friends (which he has done a few times while ostensibly staying At mine for the weekend, I can't usually go because of dc, but it has sometimes made me feel like a free london hotel!) he proposes we go for meals/cinema but I always feel I have to pay half as he doesn't usually say he will pay for it. I have unsurprisingly found this financially very tricky while not in work! The one time I ever griped that I didn't like him going out all night then for a brunch the next morning without even inviting me, thus seeing london friends and doing london stuff while staying in my flat, he got angry and accused me of not appreciating him coming to see me. But if it wasn't for me he couldn't live his very cherished london lifestyle iyswim? To be honest, I might not mind if he even paid anything towards my flat as he treats it like his second home and over Xmas for example he would expect to be there... Or if he took care of groceries, wine or something at weekends. Anything to make it feel a bit more fair! But I feel grumpy that he's pleading poverty when he's on a good salary, he expects 50/50 when Im not on regular income and am paying for his weekend retreat constantly, and that he can be so irresponsible in the face of it eg. Buying a "spare" phone charger at £50 for no real reason, buying a £350 coat because it was in the "sale" at selfridges, buying hair products at £18 a pop. Does he think I'm stupid?

Sorry that was so long but I just am sick of worrying about money, I don't see this changing as he has the constant excuse that he's the one making the effort to come see me and yet he doesn't see my at (where he keeps increasingly more of his stuff, comes to every weekend even if I'm thinking of making other plans with skmekne else once in a while (he sulks), and even had a key cut for "in case of emergency".) I feel like I may be being taken for a mug. I would like us to commit to a more joint financial relationship. Or is he just a cocklodger?!

Argh please help wise mumsnetters! I've been turning this over in my mind and I don't know what to do!

"I dont wish he was here."

Tells you all you need to know.

Get the locks changed before you go PLEASE!! This is an absolute MUST, as the tosser knows you will be away for 3 weeks leaving your flat unprotected. You MUST DO THIS! Otherwise you risk coming back to an utterly trashed flat, which could be blamed on "burglars" or somesuch, because you dared to challenge him.

I AM NOT KIDDING - you have challenged him, you are about to dump him, and you're leaving your flat available to someone with keys and a lot of malice - YOU MUST GET THE LOCKS CHANGED! As a matter of extreme urgency!

Tell your landlord, explain the situation, get it in hand NOW.

Are you sure he has a copy of the external security door key? When I lived in a flat, you had to get a letter from the building management to prove you were entitled to a copy before a locksmith would cut a security key.

You should be fine just to change your inside lock. If you don't want to talk about your relationship, tell a white lie and say you think a friend/babysitter/cleaner got a copy made without your permission.

Even if he doesn't have an external door security key, surely, as a regular visitor to the flat, he could manage to sneak in with another resident, or if there is buzzer entry, get in that way?
I'm sorry to be so paranoid, but I really worry about this sort of thing.

Op has friend guarding her flat.

Right, I have been following this thread and I absolutely feel for the OP I really do as I too have been with an abusive wanker and it took me 18 months of being with him before I finally got some self-respect and ended it so I appreciate it’s hard….but

….Honestly this thread is getting ridiculous now. I really don’t know what there is left to say. He is AWFUL, BEYOND AWFUL, it will NEVER get better. Either end it or accept the fact you’ll be used and treated like crap until he finds someone he fancies more/ offers him more to sponge off. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh I am but I’m losing patience just reading this thread.

And why on EARTH, after 13 pages, the OP STILL hasn’t changed the locks I do not know. I would be incredibly peed off if I was OPs friend, paying to stay in her flat for 3 weeks and the OP knows that a disgruntled boyfriend is likely to turn up and stay at the weekends and yet hasn’t done anything to prevent this….I’m afraid I’d be leaving said flat and demanding my money back. You’re really not being fair to your daughter or your friend OP. I’m sorry, but you’re just not. Stop playing games and get your locks changed, even if you don’t end it with him, change the locks and tell him you’ve decided to change the locks as you’re happy to continue the relationship but feel like him having a key just isn’t what you want right now, or lie and tell him you lost your key/s or something, but change the bloody locks!! How do you know he wouldn’t be physically abusive one day? And that if you had a mega argument and pissed him off he wouldn’t come in and hit you? Are you not a bit worried for you and your daughter’s safety as let’s face it, he’s exhausted all other areas of abuse already after only a year so why not start with the physical abuse soon enough?!
If you do NOTHING else, just please get the lock changed.

The concept of 'deserving' any sort of relationship makes no sense at all. Who do you think is the higher power who decides what you deserve and gives it to you, or enforces that you getting nothing better?

Arrogant wankers believe they deserve anything or anyone they want. Self-abasing, kind-hearted people believe some higher power has decreed they deserve nothing more than whatever shit situation they are in, so don't try to change it. The concept of 'deserving' is a fundamentally passive and fatalistic. Do you actually believe in an interventionist god who wants to punish you for perceived character flaws?

In real life you get what you act to ensure you get, in the context of the unpredictable actions of other people, luck and chance. The more you take control of finding out and knowing what you want and acting accordingly, the more likely you are to convey who you are and what you want, to have influence with other people, and get what you want and need.

But what I was going to say before that thought came to mind is that your querying whether he might after all be 'a good guy' is exactly you clinging to the seed of the idea that you can fix him, that I mentioned on Friday. The 'fixable fallacy'.

So what if, somewhere under all the shit behaviour and deeply ingrained habits of twisted thinking, there is or was once a nugget of 'decent person'? So what if, in fifteen years time, after gaining some life experience, his decent aspect emerges into the light, some of the time at least and he makes someone a half-decent husband and father? (Given what you've said this seems extremely unlikely). Why is it your responsibility to try to facilitate this gradual transformation, for the benefit of some future girlfriend, at great cost to yourself? Do you imagine he'll have a moment of revelation and thank you?

Really, who do you think you are? Queen of psychiatrists? Arch-bishop of soul-saving? High priestess of personal transformation? What an incredibly arrogant idea!

And there's a conundrum. The most powerless of self-abasing women believe they have the greatest power of all humans to enact total transformation upon another person.

I don't think you've sunk that low, not at all. You obviously have heaps of insight and a good amount of self-knowledge. You just need to regain your sense of self and your confidence. But you are the only person who can make that happen. Scary but rewarding.

As for him, the irony is that his behaviour will be changed far more quickly and effectively by self-confident women who tell him where to get off than by passive ones who think they can fix him. He'll take a lot more notice of assertiveness. Probably all they'll change is the parameters he operates within, he'll refine his victim niche better. But for you, if standing up to him places you outside that niche then, for you, that is a brilliant result.

Hopefully my kids don’t read MN and recognise me. OP I have always used two mantra’s with my kids.

1. In life always make the decision you would make if you weren’t afraid (remove fear from your decision making).

2. Make your own decisions about your life. If you don’t others will make them for you and they may not have your best interests at heart.

Firstly close your eyes, forget about the fall-out (angry boyfriend, lonely nights etc.) and think - if you could press a button and your relationship would be over (with no pain, no recriminations etc), would you press the button. If the answer is yes, then do it.

You need to make the decision about your life; your bf has made it so far. Your future will be more of the same. Anxious weekends, mind fuckery (being used as a shag and breakfast establishment, with I suspect sexual aspects you don’t like). At some point you will probably get a STD, (which you will get the blame for, then you will be on MN asking if you can catch a STD from a toilet seat/starbucks cup etc). You will continue your bad role model to DD. Lastly you will be passed on to one of his friends, when he meets someone else he wants a serious relationship with. All this will further isolate you, stop you being you, stop you meeting “nice” people etc.

You don’t have to be the ghost of Christmas future to see your future (sadly). Break the cycle and free yourself.

Text and email him and tell him it’s over. Tell him you will be blocking his calls and email and ask him to respect your wishes and not to try and contact you (reminding him that as he is blocked it will be futile anyway) . If you have a friend; ask them to act as an intermediary. Tell him if he needs to contact you (to collect stuff at yours etc) then to send all emails to your friend. It’s very difficult to bully someone through a third party. Also they will have copies of all communication. Even the thickest of bullies realises what this means. If you do not have a friend, make one up and create a dummy email account. Use a name similar to someone you may have mentioned. Then you can still filter and not reply to any emails.

Lastly tell him to post back your keys or the locks will be changed. Tell him your landlord has been informed of the change in circumstance, and if he tries to enter (your flat), the police will be called and he will be prosecuted for trespass.

Wish him all the best for the future and move on

Well that's one relief, Squidzin - but I'd still make changing the locks a priority, even so!

Just another voice urging you to change the locks and tell him it's over. There will probably be a few angry texts and a lot of shrieky blame, but then - sorry - he'll move on to whichever poor woman he's texting when he's hiding his phone from you.

Give it six months, and this will look so SO different. Yes, the six months might drag, but honestly, you just need time to see what a 24 carat shit this man really is. You are worth - and will find - so much better. As my mum is fond of saying, You can't find Mr Right when you're with Mr Wrong.

That's great advice, Dr Morbius

You may not have to change the lock. Just the barrel.

It is very easy. Look on youtube.

If he was decent and loved you he would be offering to help to protect you at the moment, as you are in a vulnerable position.

If he was a polite house guest he would at least be buying food/treating you/contributing to bills/inviting you along to meet his friends in exchange for being able to stay at your flat.

This man's behaviour isn't acceptable on many levels.

Remember that.

You need your energies at the moment to address your work situation and keep you and dc safe and happy. He's not worth wasting your time/energy/emotions on.

There will be someone better.

OP - regarding your last post on this thread, I think you need to ask yourself why you need to believe that this man is a 'good guy' when he is clearly an arsehole.

Is it because you've spent a year of your life on him? Is it because you don't want to think your judgment is that off? Or is it that you're so afraid of letting go that you'll lie to yourself to keep him in your life?

I understand that you say you're afraid of the anxiety and depression you will feel when he's gone, but I don't believe for a minute that he's not fuelling depression and anxiety while he's around. It's stressful for you just being near him. He's cut you off from your friends and support network, even your sister. He couldn't really have done more damage to your life and self esteem, short of beating you up.

Get rid of him. He is a meanie. He is well paid and has little outgoings and yet doesn't pay for meals when he takes you out. He should be treating you and buying you presents. I don't think he should pay rent because he doesn't live at your house. That type will be even worse when and if they get married. Selfish to the core.

Well said Twinklestein

I remember having the same worries when I was wondering about splitting up with my ex, but actually when it happened, I was walking on air, it was so wonderful to be free of him

There's only one thing worse than spending a year with an abusive, lying arsehole cocklodger, and that's spending a year and one day with one.

I'd speak to him in his own language: You are taking me (and my convenient London flat) totally for granted and I'm fed up with it. It is unbelievable for someone with a good wage and minimal responsibility, that you are constantly complaining of being broke, which is tiresome. There is no explanation for why an adult in your position is finding it so difficult to manage his money. The fact you don't think I should be free to decide how I spend my weekends, but expect to be able to use my place as a base for your social life has been the final straw. This relationship is no longer working for me and is unhealthy. I do not wish to discuss this further and will not be changing my mind. I wish you well for the future.

And when I say speak OP, I mean text

Fantastic, fantastic post!

"You have taken advantage of my flat for long enough. This relationship is over as I now find you tiresome. Please take this as the ending of our relationship."

Hi all. Thanks again for the advice. My dd has been quite sick this week so a bit taken up with that. But anyway he hasn't contacted me since he stormed out on sun morning. Seen him on fb chat sidebar and logged in on whatsapp but clearly thinks he is punishing me. In the past I would have reached out to try and sort things out by now. But I'm not. I feel sad for being used, I feel angry but a guy who was worth it wouldn't silent treatment me esp as he knew dd was sick. Immature and pathetic. Think it's a head start for him finding his new cocklodgings. Changing the locks on thurs.

Good for you