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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend won't say my name

999 replies

YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 11:07

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 22/07/2015 18:09

As for: 'fine get rid of me, I won't be the only one losing out'.

O rly?

Original poster

YellowRose08 · 22/07/2015 18:10

Umm yes I suppose it is the first proper disagreement.
I have asserted myself before though. E.g. He had been following loads of x rated pages on instagram and liking the girls photos. I told him I didn't like that behaviour - he immediately said sorry and unfollowed them all and it was never an issue again.

He always says he 'likes a strong woman'

OP posts:

Original poster

YellowRose08 · 22/07/2015 18:12

The very first time I told him about it, I did get the 'im sorry, has it upset you?' Response. But then each subsequent time has been an angrier reaction

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 22/07/2015 18:13

I think his reaction speaks volumes. He doesn't really think you have the right to the most basic consideration.

In a loving relationship, we don't decide that we are doing some things that we think are nice and that should be good enough. We listen to our partner and make an effort to do the things that make them feel good.

He wants you to like the things he decides to do so that he feels good about doing them and not actually inconvenience him by telling him what you really like or need.

Im sorry, OP. This isn't looking good.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 22/07/2015 18:15

That's a right twattish reaction from him.

So, what's your next move?

Twinklestein · 22/07/2015 18:20

To give him the benefit of the doubt: perhaps he's really insecure, and not having been in a relationship for a long time, he may not feel entirely confident being in one. So when you tell him you're not happy about this, he hears criticism, he feels like he's failing as a bf, he feels insecure and that puts him on the defensive.

Still, it's an oddly childish reaction. And in addition to having admitted to being selfish and controlling, how his personality is likely to pan out long term?

etKrusTe · 22/07/2015 18:20

Wow, he's really defensive. And you weren't asking for much! Basically, ''say my normal name right'' and he got defensive!

It would have been easier to have said ''I'm sorry, I'll say your name right''. He sounds to me like he has a big ego. It's not just getting your name wrong now, but also, his refusal to acknowledge that it is weird and disrespectful!

You would never be able to discuss anything or resolve anything with him. And the way he said to you "well get rid of me then'' and implying it'd be your loss!. wow.

Original poster

YellowRose08 · 22/07/2015 18:33

He has had history of depression, was on antidepressants about 5 years ago and did cognitive behavioural therapy. Think he had one occasion of self harm when his ex cheated on him.

He still has depressive moods but he hated being on tablets. Last night (one of the reasons I didnt brimg it up last night) was coz he was in a really down mood. He was saying horrible things about himself, hes a failure, he doesnt succeed in anything, that he doesn't know why I'm with him, and he was crying. It was horrible. So maybe that rings true with the post about him being insecure and thats why hes defensive??

OP posts:

howtorebuild · 22/07/2015 18:37

Let him talk through his "stuff" with a therapist. In the mean time you can get on with your life.

etKrusTe · 22/07/2015 18:41

That sounds manipulative. And manipulative on cue as well. So, not like, he's unwittingly manipulative. He's calculatingly manipulative. If you challenge him at all out come the stories about his cheating x and his history of self-harm and his anti-depressants and his prompts for you to reassure him by telling him why you're with him. Did you tell him all his good points in response to his self-pitying wail ''i don't know why you're with me''.

Do you now feel guilted in to overlooking something (which you were reasonable to object to).

Lacoba66 · 22/07/2015 18:43

But depression doesn't automatically make someone unable to remember how to pronounce your name . His reaction may have been OTT, but again, so long as you can honestly say that you weren't 'attacking' him with the (totally reasonable) request, I'm still baffled as to why HE has such a problem & reacted so negatively?

Are you sure his mood last night, wasn't because he sensed that you weren't 100% happy? A little bit of deflection maybe? Just saying....

ScrambledEggAndToast · 22/07/2015 18:45

Thanks YellowRose, been needing to get that out for ages

Twinklestein · 22/07/2015 18:51

He was saying horrible things about himself, hes a failure, he doesnt succeed in anything, that he doesn't know why I'm with him, and he was crying.

Ok, in that context I can sort of see where is reaction is coming from.

When you said 'You don't say my name right', he heard: 'You're a failure'.

Lacoba66 · 22/07/2015 18:57

I don't, because she has mentioned it previously & he has 'batted' her done, as if to say its inconsequential....

Anyway, how many of his friends names does he get wrong? It REALLY shouldn't take this much effort, unless he has a neurological disorder.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 22/07/2015 19:15

I'd be worried about the way he argues. Imagine that same attitude about something really really important... When push comes to shove he didn't care about your feelings, he cared about his own and how you were making him feel. Yes it may be because he's insecure or maybe it's because of less nice reasons... But whatever his motivation, the effect is the same. He puts his own emotions ahead of yours. And that's really not good. And it's really unattractive!

CharlotteCollins · 22/07/2015 19:19

Oh dear, I was right then, about getting you thinking about him so that your valid concerns are swept under the carpet.

And when you dared to raise the matter again, you get some different tactics: anger, accusations (of attacking him), deflecting (bringing up irrelevant stuff), stonewalling ("I'm going to sleep now", shutting the conversation down), then niceness afterwards (the text) so that you feel less able to bring the topic up again.

The x-rated pictures fit with his other behaviours. They indicate a man who sees women as inferior to him.

And then the self-flagellation in itself is reason enough to end the relationship. He is clearly not in the right place psychologically to be in a relationship.

Please think about leaving him.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 22/07/2015 19:25

Why didn't you go to your works do?

Was it because he was having a depressive episode requiring you to stay home to hug and reassure him instead of doing something all about you not him?

Big big red flag.

achieve15 · 22/07/2015 19:26

he sounds like an arse, but one who is clever enough to try and hide it.
(Now picturing a strange angry man hiding his arse with a towel).

kittybiscuits · 22/07/2015 19:28

It really really won't end well. Please don't find out the hard way.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 22/07/2015 19:28

Goldmandra · 22/07/2015 19:32

He was saying horrible things about himself, hes a failure, he doesnt succeed in anything, that he doesn't know why I'm with him, and he was crying.

In my (admittedly limited) experience, people do these things in order to obtain validation from those around them. People who really think like that tend to have too little self confidence to admit it and risk other people agreeing with them.

There seems to be a consistent pattern of him trying to make you feel responsible for his emotions and therefore too worried about him to ask for your basic needs to be met.

The deal is clearly take me with all my faults but, now I've made you responsible for my emotions, you must never expect me to take responsibility for my inadequacies.

I don't think this will change in the long term, OP. You need to decide whether you want a long term relationship where everything happens on his terms or you are made to feel guilty.

You are 100% right that him offering to 'try' to get your name right isn't good enough. He has created a neat little get out of jail free card for himself. When he 'fails' and you raise it again, you will be the bad guy for not appreciating that he has tried or understanding how hard it is for him and how bad you're making him feel.

Hissy · 22/07/2015 19:34

Wrong reaction there! He's not the man you need him to be. This is escalating too.

He is an arse and I love the angry arse and towel image!

QueenQueenie · 22/07/2015 19:34

Bloody hell op. Do you really need all this shit? You've only been together a short while.... it's meant to be FUN. You sound far too nice op and he sounds an arse. As pp said, even if (and it seems unlikely) that this is in any way related to his depression etc that's not for you to sort out. Help him by suggesting he speaks to GP / sees a therapist. And leave him to it.

etKrusTe · 22/07/2015 19:39

Really well put Goldmandra

MadgeMak · 22/07/2015 19:48

Personally, I would dump this man. Sounds like he's got issues galore, you can't fix him, he has to fix himself. Get out now before he erodes your sense of self.

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