Boyfriend won't say my name

[YellowRose08]

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

I was with a boyfriend when I was 29 who was manipulative but I didn't realise it at first. He was jealous and possessive (could also be charming) surprisingly he didn't flag up problems but he did say his home life had been bad (dad had left mum over an affair, dad was abusive towards mum etc).

After 2 years of being ground down and manipulated I was a nervous wreck, I didn't think much of myself and was clinging onto what he said, yet desperately trying to gain courage to end it. When I did I'd discovered he'd had an affair whilst we were together and I told him "if you'd told me this when we were together I'd have had a good reason for leaving you".

The thing is all the stuff you mention (why I mention my experience) grinds you down, you get used to being put down. When my ex said he wouldn't leave me alone and would come to my work (we worked near each other) I believed him. I was a shadow of my former self and it took Prozac and counselling to get me back to normal.

Don't think this will get better, because it won't. He is already giving you pathetic reasons for why he is how he is, and expecting you to cope with him with his depression. You really don't need that. He needs to sort that out himself or make an effort so it doesn't impact on you. How would he like it if you cried, blamed yourself etc? And the main reason why he cried etc, because he can't be bothered to care about saying your name right!

Sorry op, the more background you post by way of explanation, the more it actually sounds worse. The manipulative timing in terms of telling you his bad relationship history and experience with gf, the put downs of himself that are actually meant to make it all about him and make u feel responsible for him, his black and white reaction designed to cut off future feedback or legitimate criticism at the pass, the x rated pics... This simple matter of saying your name is causing such angst and stress, and only a few months in when things are supposedto be fun!! Also the saying your name incorrectly in front of friends will be designed to make you feel awkward with them and put you in your place.
If it's this exhausting and all about him in the honeymoon period, imagine what it'll be like further down the road.

DUMP HIM. Seriously.

All about him=you invisible. It is not going to be mentally healthy for you to continue this relationship.
Maybe try the book: "The Little Black Book of Big Red Flags" by Natasha Burton. I have not read it but it came up when I was on Amazon looking for another book to recommend: "Smart Women Foolish Choices: Finding the right men and avoiding the wrong ones" by Dr.Cowan and Dr. Kinder

He wants it to be your job to reflect all his glory back on him so he can feel good about himself. Not getting your name right is point scoring at your expense, which is using you (perhaps why he won't own the responsibility of his behavior). The "it was lovely seeing you" text was carrying on as if nothing were amiss. This is training to set the template to never acknowledged or challenge any of his dysfunctional behavior. It sounds like a relationship with him is akin to an employment contract where you toe this line and get rewarded/paid with whatever he imagines you would be "missing out" on. That is simply bait; leave it.

I agree with pp who said he objectifies women from the porn images.

OP, have you noticed that nobody on this thread has said that this is a minor thing, like you suggested in your OP?

It's possible that things you think are unimportant are more important than you realise. In other words, don't be tempted to write off all that's being said here.

Firstly it sounds like you handled the discussion really well - you stayed calm and assertive despite his terrible reaction (angry, defensive, changing subject / attacking you for other things, shutting down, etc). It didn't go well because of him, not you. He wants to make it horrible every time you challenge him, so that you stop challenging him.

There's some wise advice on this thread - particularly from Miscellaneous and Goldmandra, but others too (I've skim-read most of the replies). I agree with everyone who says you should end the relationship. His reaction just confirms that he is not good relationship material! You need someone who will respect your feelings and take them on board without all this drama.

It's definitely NOT a minor thing. It's bizarre at best and horribly demeaning at worse.

Surely no name can be impossible to say??? (Unless it is like mine- can only be pronounced properly by someone fluent in my mother tongue ).

I know I'm being nosey and it's not the point of the thread at all but can you give us an equivalent to your name?

He has just text again saying 'goodnight honey, sleep well' I haven't replied to it or the one from earlier.
I feel petty giving the silent treatment, but I don't want to just pretend earlier didn't happen?? I feel like I want to clarify again if he has understand my seriousness of 'trying' not being an option. He has no choice but to get it right. I also want to ask why he got so defensive.

I don't believe he objectifies women because of liking the sexual photos. He is super close to his mum and sister and always respectful and considerate sexually with me.

He does have a lot of issues. He's admitted that himself. But I feel bad just giving up someone because they have mental health condition?? He has lots of brilliant qualities too. I don't know how often he has these depressive episodes but last night was hard to handle.

It is just bloody ridiculous that a simple name as caused so much grief!! I thought it would have been solved by a 1 minute conversation weeks ago!!!

I have a severe mental health condition. I can still get a fucking name right! He's just excusing his rudeness.

He's being all nice now to try and wrong foot you into thinking you've made too big a deal of it.

You haven't.

What is his 'mental health condition'? Who diagnosed it formally?

I think you need to separate his depression / mental health issues / other issues from his appalling attitude towards you.

I've had depression in the past. It doesn't mean that I dismiss my partner's feelings and get defensive if he tells me he's upset. I'm not perfect, but I would NEVER react in the way your partner has done.
I don't think his "issues" (whatever they are) excuse his behaviour in any way, but even if they explain his behaviour, you cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who always puts their own feelings before yours, and expects you to do the same.

Have you had any issues like this in previous relationships? Do you have low self esteem?

What should I text back?

Nothing. You need time to think.

I don't think you should muddle up his mental health issues with his disrespectful behaviour, really I don't. Depressive episodes don't cause behaving like an arse...

X posts Emma!

Do you want to reply? You don't have to. I get the feeling you don't want to go along with him carrying on as if nothing happened. So I think the best thing would be not to reply. The only other option is to have an argument by text, which is never a good idea! Ideally you would talk face-to-face, or by phone if that's not possible.

Queen Great minds!

I've had one previous relationship, together for 6 years. He dumped me in march as he had fallen out of love with me and fell for someone else.
Met new bf quite quickly after (never intended to get in a new relationship so quick)
New bf is completely different in everyway to ex bf (some ways a lot better, obviously in this way a lot worse!)

Yeah I don't really want to reply. But I feel horrible giving silent treatment!! I'm working rest of week so we'd planned to see eachother Sunday...

Sorry to hear about the way things ended with your ex, that must have been hard

Is it possible that your confidence was very low after the break up, and maybe your new BF picked up on that? Maybe he likes going out with women with low confidence because it makes him feel better about himself? And maybe you've put up with some things you might not normally put up with, because it's given you a boost to have a new relationship relatively soon after the old one ended? (I'm just guessing here, so apologies if I'm wrong!)

Why do you feel horrible? It is perfectly ok to have personal boundaries and abide by them. If others are put out by this, then that is their problem. Guilt is not an element here.

I have a thing at my work where I call everyone by their Sunday names - jim / James, Davey / David etc. Started it to wind people up and it just stuck. Some people take it really badly!

"Yeah I don't really want to reply. But I feel horrible giving silent treatment!! I'm working rest of week so we'd planned to see eachother Sunday..."

I think it's ok to need a bit of time and space to think about things after the difficult discussion you had. I don't see that as "silent treatment". But Sunday is quite a few days away. Could you two talk on the phone before then? Could you text him to ask if he's free to talk tomorrow evening (or another evening, whenever you're ready)? That way you're not ignoring him but you're not engaging with the "nice" stuff (which understandably doesn't feel genuine given what happened).

My advice. Run like the wind. Just run.