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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend won't say my name

999 replies

YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 11:07

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

OP posts:
achieve15 · 21/07/2015 17:46

category - when I saw the thread title, I thought it was going to be "BF won't say my name (during sex)"! Grin

LittleMissIntrovert · 21/07/2015 17:54

He has you doubting yourself already, big red flag.

It's always small things, they gradually eat away at your confidence and self belief.

You feel like you are in the wrong when you aren't.

I know it feels like not much, but I speak from experience, he's being disrespectful, he's showing you who he is.

It's your name, and he can't even be bothered to pronounce it correctly.

You deserve better than that, please don't leave it and get to a point where you feel so low in confidence and feel that your opinion doesn't matter.

CRbear · 21/07/2015 17:59

This would drive me bonkers!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 21/07/2015 18:03

My friends give me ackward looks
This is a clue that something is not right. Even without properly enuciating the reasons among yourselves, you would not be wrong to trust their gut instincts on this.

The only issue? He is emotionally abusive, passive aggressive, belittles and diminishes you, blames you if he feels bad, operates on the double standard of correcting you but you can't correct him, embarrasses you in front of others including your friends...

I'd say that one issue was quite enough to decide you do not want to be treated in that way. Do you look forward to being with him...or is there perhaps some measure of relief when you are not in his presence? Cringing is a clue for that question.

Bucket/ Bouquet anyone? Grin

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 18:24

Will update you all after tonight!

OP posts:
wigglylines · 21/07/2015 18:27

Good luck. Sending you good vibes of strength and clarity. We're all behind you!

StonedGalah · 21/07/2015 18:37

Sorry OP. Purely place marking here. Fascinating!

Zucker · 21/07/2015 18:37

Good luck with your chat tonight.

Funny he has absolutely no problem in correcting your pronunciation of words in his second language. He expects you to make the effort to get it right!

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 21/07/2015 18:43

I am interested to know what his reaction will be. How strange to not want to get your name right

YouBastardSockBalls · 21/07/2015 19:58

Me too. I'm predicting -

'Not this again'
'I've told you I can't do it for xxxx reasons'
'You're making me feel bad'
'You're making a big deal out of this'
'You're embarrassing me'

Blah blah blah.

But of course I could be being wildly unfair. He could say -

'Oh my goodness I'm so sorry, I didn't realise how much it bothered you despite you telling me repeatedly and I won't do it again. Sorry'

Hmmmmmm. Best of luck op. I may be cynical, but I really do hope it's the latter Smile

rumred · 21/07/2015 20:02

I had a gf who pronounced my name wrong. She wasn't a great gf in other ways either. I make sure I check people's names and preferences re shortening. It's respectful and reasonable. So, bin him is my sage advice

Milkyway1304 · 21/07/2015 20:13

Some of my colleagues constantly mispronounce my name. It's irritating (although I forgive them as I have an Irish name, which English tongues find difficult). I don't think I could forgive my partner doing it though.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/07/2015 20:19

Your name is 'who you are', in a manner of speaking. To have someone disregard the correct pronunciation deliberately says to me that they would also disregard your feelings in other matters.

It's beyond 'can't be arsed'. It's 'I don't care enough about you'.

Twentyninedays · 21/07/2015 21:13

Goldmandra has it (16.45).

Notabeararaccoon · 21/07/2015 21:37

Late to the party, but with the consensus here. I have a relatively unusual name, which, spelt the same way, has three reasonably equally used variants of pronunciation. The fact is, i am called one of them, not the other two. In day to day life, I let it go where it doesn't matter to me, but in someone I consider a friend/friend in the making/boyfriend/colleague etc, who I have to deal with regularly, I make sure they know the 'right' (for me!) pronunciation. If anyone in my categorisations above ignored my correction, they would be binned in fairly short order! It's just rude. I had a friend, years ago, called Tanya, pronounced Tarn-ya. That's what her parents called her, that's how she identified herself. I would consider it (now and then) bloody rude to assume I somehow knew better and should call her tan-ya. As others have said, how would he like to be called 'dick' or have his name mispronounced?

LindyHemming · 21/07/2015 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shirleybasseyslovechild · 22/07/2015 00:15

I agree with cheersmedea.
why on earth are people playing the abuse card ?

my brother in law 's firstborn was named Ellie.
He consistently called her Ella for over a year, not as a pet name but because he could not get the right name into his head. Despite Daily reminders .

he even claimed they were practically the same ! and he is a lovely bright guy

insouciance · 22/07/2015 00:41

At work, the following people write and say my name correctly: my boss, my line reports, external suppliers, colleagues in other locations in the country, reception staff, people who sit in my office, pretty much everyone.

This is not that surprising considering that it's a normal English name.

The only people who spell it incorrectly, turning it into a different name, despite seeing my name written correctly all the time belong in a team whose nose are permanently out of joint with me, even though they always do their best to appear polite.

It really winds me up, but I ignore it. I wouldn't ignore it in a partner though. I know everyone has already said the same thing. I'm just adding a +1 to what they've said about it being a sign of disrespect.

CheersMedea · 22/07/2015 07:01

shirleybassey

I agree with cheersmedea.
why on earth are people playing the abuse card ?

Shirley - I didn't say that it wasn't necessarily controlling/abusive - as it could very well be. I was just throwing out there (that depending on the name and the issues that go with it) that it may not necessarily be.

Also as you say, it could just be a mental block about it. My friend's father in law repeatedly gets her name wrong. Her name is Laura and he constantly calls her Flora. To be fair to him he is elderly, lives alone (with no one to correct him regularly on hand) and has a bit of a memory issue but this has been going on for years; it's become a bit of a family joke with them. She isn't offended as she knows it isn't malicious.

merrymouse · 22/07/2015 07:18

bit of a difference between how you would expect to be treated by an elderly father in law and a potential life partner!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/07/2015 07:25

Dear OP - you aren't looking at this right at all.

You've said this:
"Him saying he was selfish and likes control didn't make me run a mile because I haven't actually seen him be like that."

Yes, yes you have. You have seen him be exactly like that. He won't say your name correctly despite being told numerous times, he wants to say it his own way, that is both selfish (only considering his own feelings and not yours) and controlling (preferring to use his version of your name rather than the actual one, which you prefer and have asked him to use). He is demonstrating his control over you by insisting on pronouncing your name wrong and you acquiescing in this, despite protests.

I hope you can see this. And I hope that it gives you better sight into what he is like.

MrsRossPoldark · 22/07/2015 07:41

OMG! What happened?!

I used to have a BF who called me Aplha, which was the name of his sister's BFs Doberman!

Run away!

MrsRossPoldark · 22/07/2015 07:41

..Alpha...

dollius · 22/07/2015 08:09

My emotionally abusive ex used to do this. Insisted on calling my brothers then girlfriend Gaybee instead of Gabby as he knew someone who pronounced it that way and who was infinitely more posh, refined whatever. It was his way of making sure we all knew how superior he was.

His mother had done it to one of his exes too who was called Karen. Far too common for poor mama to stomach, so she always pronounced it Kaahhren.

Nasty the pair of them.

I would bet on him doing this on purpose. It is a way of chipping away at your confidence and identity.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/07/2015 08:47

I soooo need an update.