Boyfriend won't say my name

[YellowRose08]

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

"People who genuinely like/love you don't dump you because you want to spend time with them or ask them to call you by your correct name!!!"

Exactly.

"I feel I pushed him away by nagging him"

No, you didn't at all but by God that's exactly what he wants you to think, so that when he tells you he's had a little time to think things over, had a little time to work it out, had a little time and he still loves you... you fall back into his arms and promise never to stand up to him again.

Of course, if you're lucky, he will now leave you alone. I do hope he does.

I agree with the translations so far. He wants you to think that you pushed him away. But he was unwilling to show the slightest courtesy or respect. He'd actually end a relationship rather than showing his gf respect and consideration.

All of the gooey texts, yes, I can see why they seem baffling when 10 hours later he ended it. I do think it's the classic male card of keeping his options open, ie, if you were to ever come back to him but without ever challenging him then he'd do you the favour of taking yyou back. Perhaps. He'll see what else is out there. But he's not stupid enough to throw you back in the sea totally.

I hope he leaves you alone.

Yellowrose I have just read your whole thread. I am sorry that you have been left feeling bad, but that shows what a genuine and kind and loving person you are - unlike your ex, who seemed kind and loving at first but couldn't keep it up. Yes, you have some work to do on your self esteem, but you have been far more grown up about all of this than I would have been at 23 - hopefully you will have learned something useful too, to bear in mind in future.

Look after yourself, and spend some time enjoying your own company and valuing your friends - I wish I had had more time for friends in my twenties.

IME second relationships are often tricky as we tend to be drawn to someone, perhaps subconsciously, who is very different from our first love. Looking at the people I know, third relationships are often the most successful as we have tried out two alternatives, we know who we are and what we need and we are not afraid to communicate it clearly and early on in the relationship.

I am sure that there is someone lovely around the corner for you, who will value you for who you are, and be happy to set off on a life-adventure with you.

Best of luck

Please help me to understand as I dont want to fall into his trap (or anyone elses)

So when he said he was breaking up because he doesn't want a serious relationship - Is this just a lie? Considering it contradicts with his other actions such as introducing me to his family so quickly, telling me he loves me, looking into us going on holiday together, subtly hinting about living together. Telling me that I'm amazing and if we werent together he might have self harmed again. That doesnt sound like a man who doesnt want a serious relationship?

Does he just want me to chase after him?

you are so wise to seek therapy yellow rose.

At 29 I had a similar experience, and instead of seeking psychotherapy I put myself back together with glue and got back out there, met an arsehole. I ended up in therapy at 37! but I only wish I'd had it earlier. You feel bad now but you're learning lessons now that I learnt a decade older.

And this isn't proof that all men are bad. You're honing your radar, improving your judgement. That's all. There are as many good men as bad men and all you're doing is training yourself to be blind to assholes and have your eyes wide open for the good guys!

ps
He has his own perspective. His own agenda. He probably doesn't have the self-awareness to analyse himself. He probably thinks he's a reasonable guy. You feel 'unlovable' but not all men want an equal relationship. He wanted something like obedience, subservience, a facade of loveydovey rather than respect and equal voices in a relationship. I don't think HE realises that. So there's no point trying to figure him out.

If what feels right to him is a relationship where the woman obeys, then it was never going to work. He will think it broke down because you were difficult. Let him think that. What he thinks of you is none of your business.

Thankyou so much everyone for the messages. It is really helping me to gain insight and to stay strong and not contact him!!

How do I go about therapy?? Where would I even start to look for a good therapist or the most appropriate form of therapy?

Yeah I have told my two best girlfriends and they have been amazing. Unfortunately my parents are away atm so I'm home alone and lonely which is making it worse.

He did want a serious relationship. With a doormat. With someone he could manipulate and control.

When he realised you were not this person he had no further use for you.

Controlling arseholes are not logical, their brains don't work like yours or mine.

It may not feel like it, but you have just won, big time. You have won back the next few years of your life, or however long it would have taken for you to realise he was a bad un, that you are not responsible for his feelings, that when things went wrong it was not your fault.

You have won your self esteem, as it is now, not crushed and distrusting of everyone including yourself. If you feel like this after a few months and only the beginning of his manipulation, how would you feel after years of it?

You have done so amazingly well. I wish so much I had been able to nip it in the bud like you have just done. The wasted years and harm to my self esteem were significant.

Yy to what MereKaffe said. "He probably thinks he's a reasonable guy. You feel 'unlovable' but not all men want an equal relationship. He wanted something like obedience, subservience, a facade of loveydovey rather than respect and equal voices in a relationship"

And have some confidence in yourself. You spotted the problem early on and came on here to discuss it. You knew that it wasn't right for someone to seem so lovely but just to insist on avoiding the one thing you (quite rightly) needed him to do.

Many of us have been in loooong relationships with men who seemed lovely and loving - who were lovely and loving in many ways, otherwise we wouldn't have stayed with them - but who really didn't want or need a relationship with a real person who had her own needs.

Trap number one: he will be lovely whilst he sets the agenda, but if you ask for something then it is too difficult/too much trouble etc

Trap number two: he doesn't use your name! (As someone above said, it is OK if you are happy for him to give you a special name/nickname, but you need to know that he likes you for who you are, not that he is trying to shape you into the person he wants you to be - and your name is a bit of a clue to who you are!)

Trap number three: talking about a problem doesn't resolve things, it makes it more difficult

Trap number four: he threatens self harm or implies that he will harm himself if you don't comply with his wishes/needs

HTH

Your only 23 you should be having fun and enjoying yourself whether that's out clubbing or knitting in a library.. Working on your career /work /hobbies not having to deal with this sort of stuff... You've just had a 6 year relationship from when your 17?? I would suggest giving yourself a break and learn about your self and independence so you choose what you want or don't want in a relationship...
I had similar as in a long term relationship late teens til early 20s and I was very wobbly(not quite right word) after as v was used to being in a relationship... Luckily my rebound guy was dreadful ... So easier to break up with but spent the next few years mainly single but having a whale of a time in the main wasn't always great but later relationships much better and wouldn't be with my amazing dh if hadn't had that experience...gift yourself some fun!

Judge a man (anyone) by their actions not their words. My horrendous EA ex sold me the dream for the first year, loving, funny, working towards our future everything I could want at 18. He did let the mask slip a few times in that year and I should have run then. I spent the next 10 yrs thinking that the him in the first year was the real him and if I could just change, be better, listen to him more, loose weight etc etc then that is who I would get. But he was who he was not the dream I was sold. He dumped me by text after 10 yrs and thank fuck be did.

His new wife is equally miserable and his drink problem is all down to her apparently.

Please don't concern yourself with his issues or his reasons - that's the way madness lies. I was always going to tell my ex what damage he did and how he was an arsehole but he wouldn't care, get it or just enjoy my pain. Now years on I don't care and have no need for closure, living well is the best revenge. I am a tiny bit sad he is so fucked up but also quite pleased but then I am vengeful!!

This is really very simple.

He wasn't prepared to continue a relationship with you if you were going to insist on him using your correct name.

He did you a favour by finishing it. The alternative could have been you spending the rest of your life tied to him and putting up with other versions of this behaviour.

You are better off without him. If you are genuinely questioning this and you can afford to pay for counselling yourself, please contact Relate and book some sessions to work through this. You need to see this as a lucky escape and absolutely 100% not a good relationship you've missed out on by nagging too much.

Well done OP, I was rooting for you. kaftan is so right... you have won back potentially wasted years and that is priceless. Glad you were strong. x

Yellow - one of the biggest problems you have is that you actually believe everything he told you. I'm guessing that you don't tell lies yourself, and don't pretend. Well you've met someone who does lie and does pretend - so there is zero point in trying to find logic in either his words or actions, as there is none - because a good proportion of them are lies.

Bear that in mind and stop trying to understand how he could change so quickly - he could change because he was lying. We'll never know exactly which bits he was lying about - but he was lying at least some of the time.

do you ever go out for a run? Put on a pair of trainers and go out for a run. I know running's not for everybody but it saved me from my own thoughts a few times. I think that being stressed and anxious puts a whole load of agitation in your circulation! Runninng eliminates some of that adrenaline or whatever it is that makes you feel jumpy. It also makes you feel a bit more powerful :D

I just feel it is all my fault sad I feel I pushed him away by nagging him. He has got a lot of stress going on in his life and I shouldn't have moaned about wanting to spend more time together. - that is how he wants you to feel. So that when you come running back, unable to face the guilt of his 'self-harming' and the self-punishing you are doing to yourself, you will change yourself into what he wants.

This is a person who will put with him not wanting to spend his free time with you ('I need space'), put up with him calling you a name not yours^ (was it someone else he knew before with a similar name? Did i read that from you?), put up with all sorts of crap from him, because the alternative is 'being alone', being 'guilty', being a 'nag', being yourself.

Really, dodged a bullet there OP. Get out and enjoy your 20s!

Thankyou, I will look into Relate.
That is a good idea about running. I think I will join a gym- get some frustration out and get some endorphins!

No I don't pretend. I wear my heart on my sleeve and am open and direct with how I feel. It is hard knowing that someone can be so convincingly lovely.
It is just hard making yourself vulnerable and letting someone in and getting burnt. Well he has thrown away someone who genuinely cared, maybe one day he will realise, maybe not.

I need to find some hobbies to occupy myself!!

The "traps", imho, are variations on a theme. And the theme is seduction. Not necessarily just sexual seduction, but to induce you to buy into their bill of goods, to engulf and enmesh you. (This could be a Queen Bee gathering a Court of followers too.) The bastards out there are a cross between used car salesmen and greedy funeral home directors (before regulation). (No intention to offend anyone, but ykwim.) They are liars, duplicitous manipulators and misrepresent the truth to get what they want.

The best defense against this dynamic is time. Do not invest your heart too quickly. Getting swept off your feet with all the "everything a girl could want" is a red flag, especially if it is alot of verbal-lip service. Yes, "good stuff" can be a red flag. Gifts are tricky. It may seem like cynicism but be aware of the fact that it may be a performance (out of a How To... manual?). Impressing the group puts pressure on the target to accept the bill of goods. The behavior behind closed doors/private/without audience is the key, imho. Does the public person match the private person?

I may have mentioned earlier in the thread about paying attention to how you feel when you are with someone...and how you feel when you go home after having spent time with that someone. If you feel stabbed by rudeness, then don't dismiss it. And, Yellow, you did not dismiss it.
In your down time, if you feel drained, if you need to analyze and maybe second guess a bunch of stuff...then that is a clue. Sometimes a clue is all you need without having to enunciate a specific definition of what is actually going on-a gut feeling (MN is excellent in defining the specifics!). What ever it is, it isn't good and that is enough to decide to detach.

You will be fine, Yellow. You've just been around the block a couple of times.

Bacp (British association of counsellor and psychotherapy) website will help you to find an accredited counsellor in your area.
Find someone who is accredited.

Easier and cheaper to arrange than therapy, can I recommend a really good book. I bought it on the recommendation of a mumsnetter as well!

It's anne dickson's "a woman in your own right".

It really clarifies the difference between ego and self-esteem. That was very helpful to me, to have it explained so clearly. I could recognise where my own behaviour had been too martyred and not served me well in the end, and where my x's behaviour had been aggressive. Also, the book sets out ten rights. Your rights as a woman. Very useful reading.

I also like a book with a very silly title. Sherry somebody, why men love 'bitches' but although it seems like a book about pulling a man, I read it when I had no intention of getting another bf for a while. I read it as a tool to see where I'd gone wrong, and in that way, I could recognise a lot of incidences where I owed it to myself to have a much higher bar. I didn't agree with everything in the book (ie, allowing men to do diy for you to make them feel clever - I thought that was nonsense) but the basic message was that YOU are the prize and that any man who doesn't value you isn't in the running, that definitely recalibrated my thinking after I read it. I really thought, yes, I get it. I don't want a relationship that looks right. I want a relationship that IS right.

I mean, in the meantime, before you can arrange the sessions!

Moving things very quickly and being very intense are red flags. It's about sweeping you along and not giving you thinking time to recognise the bad stuff. It doesn't matter if it's thought out or something he's doing unconsciously, it's the effect it has on you.

andthebandplayedon I know what you mean about the bill of rights. After I left my abusive x, I came across and older man (although I never wanted to be in a relationship with him) he kind of forced a platonic relationship on me, he was on the surface a good humoured man and talkative and aware of what was going on in the world but he had this agenda where he would encourage women (and me) to accept the blame for everything that had gone wrong in their life). My abusive x? my fault I chose him. Career sidelined? my fault. No money, my fault. He subtly (he thought) encouraged me to blame myself for everything, whilst outwardly being very sociable and generous and well-informed. I know if he'd been younger I would have been sucked back in somehow, but luckily, the fact that he was two decades older than I was and I was so unattracted to him protected me from him. He was a subtler abuser than my x who'd been quite a straightforward selfish user!

But phew, after so many trips round the block now, google maps could ring me up and check with me, how's that block and psychotherapy! and time, and a few good books, and mumsnet..... now, whenever I get a sniff of this type of character I back away and don't engage.

op you'll get to this point in your 20s! That puts you WELL AHEAD of half of us here on mumsnet

He did want a serious relationship. With a doormat. With someone he could manipulate and control

This. X1000.

What a grade a cockend.