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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend won't say my name

999 replies

YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 11:07

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/08/2015 16:31

"He wanted a girlfriend, but someone who he saw on his terms and who did what he wanted and didnt ever question him"

Think you've hit the nail on the head there, Yellow. Be relieved that you have escaped so lightly, really do. I know that it hurts and that you will be asking "why me, what was wrong with me" - but what was "wrong" with you was that you weren't prepared to put up with his shit. That's not a proper "wrong" - that's just what made you unsuitable to be his girlfriend because he needed someone more passive.

Please don't send him any messages. If you feel the need, write him a letter/ email/message and then DON'T send it.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 02/08/2015 16:32

What is really weird is that last night he sent me a really lovey dovey goodnight text saying 'I cant wait to see you tomorrow, sleep tight my princess'
And then he dumped me! Wtf?!?!

OP posts:
Botanicbaby · 02/08/2015 16:42

Beware when they call you 'princess', it's so false and coupled with the fact he refused point blank to pronounce your name correctly shows what an arse he is.

He's done you a favour yellow rose though I appreciate you may not see it that way yet! I am 100% sure you can, and will, meet someone a million times better and you'll have more fun and happiness with them. Smile

ScrambledSmegs · 02/08/2015 16:44

Hmm. Are you sure that text was meant for you?

Sorry, but with his inability to get your name right, and then dumping you like that... well, it seems likely Sad

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 02/08/2015 16:44

I just dont understand the change from last night to now??
I know I should feel like I'm better off without him, but right now it just feels like horrible rejection :( And the classic "what is wrong with me" :(

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowRose08 · 02/08/2015 16:46

Yeah that text was for me because he answered things in it that I'd said in a previous message

OP posts:
blessedenough · 02/08/2015 16:48

Been there done that he is head fucking you. The aim is to get you to apologise and be a good girl, then it will get much much worse. You may feel like poo now but you have had a lucky escape. If you go back you will be in a EA relationship and it might take you 10 yrs to find yourself again - bitter experience.

He will try another tactic yet so be on your guard for this.

Goldmandra · 02/08/2015 16:51

He wanted a girlfriend, but someone who he saw on his terms and who did what he wanted and didnt ever question him

Spot on!

What is really weird is that last night he sent me a really lovey dovey goodnight text saying 'I cant wait to see you tomorrow, sleep tight my princess'
And then he dumped me! Wtf?!?!

It just took him a few hours to process the fact that you weren't going to stop expecting him to treat you with respect. He realised that he had run out of strategies. Being all lovey-dovey didn't make you go all gooey and grateful and forget that you had a right to a basic level of respect too.

He doesn't want you in his life because you will not live solely by his agenda.

Please don't concern yourself with whether he replies to your good wishes or not. Whatever he says, you'll be looking for hidden messages and agendas.

Block his number right now and move on.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 02/08/2015 16:53

Apologise for what? 'Nagging' about wanting to spend more time together? Or 'nagging' about my name?
I really don't think he wants me to beg for him back. He looked deadly serious

OP posts:
ScrambledSmegs · 02/08/2015 17:00

I don't think working out his motivations or feelings will help you in any way right now. It will just mess with your head.

I know moving on is easier said than done, but you need to take steps towards doing so. Block his number, if you delete it to avoid possible drunk-dialling then all the better. He wasn't a great guy, whatever act he put on. He was just ok for the time you were with him. Not even ok, for quite a bit of that too.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 02/08/2015 17:03

I just feel like an idiot :(
An unlovable, unwanted idiot. I let myself believe he could care about me. He wanted a relationship, until he had one with me and I made him run for the hills

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 02/08/2015 17:07

He said he doesnt want a serious relationship. That he thought he did but he doesnt. That he has too much stress going on in his life and just feels like everyone is nagging him and that we just argue. He said hes not in the right head space and feels like he has no control over anything in his life.

Translation;

I don't want to be in a relationship in which I have responsibilities to the other person. I thought I could manage to have a relationship solely on my terms with you but I clearly can't. I find being expected to treat you with respect inconvenient and stressful. You are asking too much of me and you will not back down when I try to ignore or belittle your requests. I cannot gain control over you.

Yellow, please scrape together every ounce of self respect you have and use it now. There is nothing wrong with you and that's the reason he has finished the relationship.

He doesn't care about you or what you need. He resents the fact that you would expect him to make the minutest effort that wasn't completely on his terms.

Find something to keep you busy and stop thinking about him.

shoopshoopsong · 02/08/2015 17:09

Its really weird why is he doing that? I'd tell him straight up every time he did it

ScrambledSmegs · 02/08/2015 17:10

But it's not about you Confused. He's just shit at being in a proper, adult relationship.

Honestly, he'd be like it with anyone. Unfortunately it was you.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 02/08/2015 17:21

I just remembered, he was also saying things like;
"I really care about you, sometimes I think you dont realise how much"

"I dont want to break up with you but..."

Eugh. Yeah he doesnt know how to cope with a relationship. Im the first proper girlfriend he has had in years and hes used to doing everythig on his terms

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 02/08/2015 17:25

I think you've missed a bullet, tbh. In time, as a PP said, you'll say to your friends, "Well I dated a man who couldn't even pronounce my name properly, even though he was bilingual..." and you won't remember why you put up with it.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 02/08/2015 17:46

I'm sure I will be thankful for the escape in the future. Right now I just feel rejected and unloved and tricked and disappointed :(

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/08/2015 17:54

And that is exactly why you need to go and get some counselling and learn the basics of self-esteem and that it is NOT YOU - it's him.

Gossipgirladdict · 02/08/2015 17:57

Yellow, I have followed your thread but not commented so far as you have had great advice from others that I couldn't add to.
Please, please, please read Goldmandra's post at 17:07.
Then read it again. And again. And again. Until it sinks in. Because she has absolutely nailed it.
Stay strong and forget about this utter tosser.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 02/08/2015 18:03

I will enquire about counselling as I know my self esteem is knocked

OP posts:
blessedenough · 02/08/2015 18:09

Of course you feel unloved, tricked etc that's the whole point of his behaviour. Sending the lovely messages followed by dumping you are designed to provoke this response and its working. This is such a massive red flag however unless you have been there and done it you don't see it unfortunately. Good luck, be strong I would be very surprised if its over yet, he is testing your boundaries should he find enough flex he will be back and you will find things get worse. If you stay strong you will always have an element of doubt about whether you over reacted but we all see massive red flags. My advice RUN

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/08/2015 18:11

PLease do.
I know for myself that, when I came out of an 11y relationship, it wasn't that one that triggered the need for counselling; it was the 3m one that followed it. My 3m bf wasn't bad in any way, but he finished it after 3m because he "didn't love me" and I think that he thought he should by then. It sent me down into a tailspin as well - but I went to counselling.

And the counsellor let me talk, let me spill it all out about both relationships - and the one thing he said that really helped, and really made a huge difference was this:
He didn't love you enough as you are.

There is nothing wrong with you, as there was nothing wrong with me either - the men just didn't love us enough as we are. And you MUST find someone who loves you for who you are, not for who they want you to be.

So I hope you find a counsellor who can tell you that you deserve to be loved for who you are in a way that works for you.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 02/08/2015 18:26

Those who are saying its a test... what should I look out for next from him? Just any kind of contact? I dont want to get sucked back in

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 02/08/2015 18:29

Block him, delete him and ignore him, then you can't get sucked back in.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/08/2015 18:32

Agree with block, delete, ignore - yes, he's likely to send you a message to maybe see how you are, or possibly to say he's made a mistake and misses you too much - both of which are headfuck messages designed to suck you back in, because both would make you think "aw he does care after all!"