Boyfriend won't say my name

[YellowRose08]

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

And I feel childish as I feel that he might think I'm being silent with him so thats why he is being silent with me and vice versa...

You don't want to hurt him! He doesn't care less about hurting you!

queenoftheknight has it spot on. Stop thinking about HIM! You are giving him far too much head space. Think about you. Plan some nice things for yourself. If you must text him then get it over with and DELETE and BLOCK. You are just going round in circles at the moment.

If you feel ready to walk away now, OP, I would just text something very impersonal, e.g. "This relationship isn't working for me any more. All the best." and then block him.

I worry that if you start telling him specific reasons, he will come out with (ridiculous) justifications for those points, and try to bring you back under control. And I worry that you still seem to hope that he will change, and you'll fall for his bullshit.

If you don't feel ready to walk away, just keep silent. His actions will tell you everything you need to know. My prediction: his next move will be to text you and pretend that everything's normal, that you didn't pull him up on his behaviour and he hasn't gone silent for days. It'll just be "Hey "honey", shall we go see that new film at the weekend?" or similar. Because he'll be thinking after him punishing you by withdrawing for days, you'll be desperate to have him back.

No, Don't join in his mind games. It will just get messier.

Send him a message saying that you've taken a few days to think things through, the relationship isn't working for you and you won't be seeing him again.

Don't leave room for questions, negotiation or emotional blackmail. Allow yourself one further response along the lines of "I've made my decision." and then respond to nothing else. Do not allow him to draw you into any communication, particularly about where it went wrong or self harm.

"Yes, I don't want to hurt him why do I care so much, I don't know"

Because somewhere along the line you have been programmed to put others' feelings before your own.

In many situations this is commendable - as a mother, a doctor, a good friend, a rescue worker for example.

However in some situations this is damaging. This is one of them.

If you put someone else's feeling before yours when they are treating you badly, that's warped. And that is exactly why you (and me too - before I learnt the hard way) are targets for abusers, even - perhaps especially? - if you are a strong, confident woman at the same time.

But don't beat yourself up, you're a nice person, that's commendable. Just need to learn to protect yourself a bit more.

Lovely lady, you are not going to hurt him. He is testing you, he is pushing you to see how far you'll bend.

When you fail to buckle to his will, he will be angry, but he won't be hurt. He might say he's hurt, but he won't be - he will just be cross that you didn't become his willing subject after all.

In fact, he's quite likely to tell you some really nasty things, things that almost certainly won't be true - just to make you feel even worse.

I just can't take the silence anymore. Just want it resolved - one way or the other.

It is resolved.
He's just not that into you.
Leave it - it's over.
Move on.

Then, if you must, just send him a text saying "Ta-rah then, nice knowing you".

And for goodness' sake do NOT look for "closure" or any kind of sane response on "why did it go wrong, what's wrong with me, why did you treat me like this" because you WILL NOT GET ONE. You might get lots of excuses, blame, self-flagellation but the one thing you will not get is The Truth.

OK.

What do you think are the possible ways this could be resolved?

Why do I feel like it is all my fault :(

How exactly do you think it's your fault?

You asked to be called by your own name. What is wrong with that?

Agree with hellsbells - it is resolved. Why do you want to be with someone you have to talk into wanting to be with you? It's time to put you first.

And you feel like it's your fault because he played you to make you feel unreasonable and demanding in asking him to get your name right. I'd wager that you've been conditioned to accept fault in your upbringing or you watched your mother take the flack for your father's shortcomings. Also I suspect you're a confident person for the most part and there's someone within you seeking approval/validation - and you need it from the people who won't freely give it because if they give it it doesn't count - you have to fight for it from arseholes like this chap.

This man has shown he won't allow you to put yourself first. That doesn't sound like someone you'd want a friend dating, does it? Why not put a friend in your position and imagine what you'd tell her - would you really tell her it's her fault?

Ok, so you aren't feeling in the right space to dump him out of the blue and you need some resolution because this crap is doing your head in.

With that in mind how about you send him a text like "Hi, are you ready to give me a proper apology yet or are you still hiding from me? There's only so long I'm willing to wait."

What do you feel is all your fault?

The way he says your name?
His inadequate response when you told him how you feel?
The fact he went to London?
The radio silence?

Maybe you feel that you caused the silence by not being at his beck and call when he suggested lunch on Sunday?

Don't feel responsible for his behaviour. You cannot cause anybody to act against their will. There's a great book about boundaries that I recommend if you're interested. It's by Cloud and Townsend and it has boundaries in the title.

Yeah I feel he is being silent because I said no to lunch, but he was the one who cancelled on me!

"Why do I feel like it is all my fault sad"

I don't know, why do you feel like it is all your fault? Did you make him the way he is? Are you his mother? Do you live inside his head and make decisions about how to treat you for him? Are you his therapist? (Assuming he actually has one)

Why DO you feel like it is your fault, what is your fault exactly?
His inability to say your name? HOw is that your fault?
Him messing you around and deciding you weren't worth seeing this weekend just gone? How is that your fault?

In fact, WHY are you trying to make it your fault? Do you need to self-flagellate over it? Why must it be you?

I really think it would be a good idea to get some counselling, OP.
You've had some good advice on here but you're obsessing and going around in circles. It's not healthy.
Please find a therapist and talk about your self esteem and boundary issues.

I'm going to ask this again because I think it's really important that you think it through.

What are the possible ways you think this situation could be satisfactorily resolved?

Do you want to stay in a relationship with him, Yellow?

You sound so sad

It's ok to need some resolution you know, it's very hard to just walk away mid- flow, and leaves you just hanging, not knowing how to resolve your feelings and close that episode...

I do feel for you op.

If you want to bring it to a head without being a doormat then send a text telling him you are disappointed he hasnt apologised yet. Do not specify what you expect an apology for. I'd say he should realise at a minimum that he owes you an apology for:

• being ridiculous over your name (he'll "try" pffft).
• cancelling your Sunday plans unilaterally for no good reason.

There are plenty of other problems too but these are the big ones that are recent, major and should be mind numbingly obvious.

If he gives a ridiculous response then you know it is over. And you know he'll be all "what, me? I'm sorry you feel that way. I am off to self harm and it is all your fault." Pffft.

...one way or the other.

If you get back together nothing will have been resolved. It will be the same shitty behavior, perhaps rolled in a little different color of glitter to distract you. But it is still shit.

Imho, the programming to put other's feelings before your own, as kaftanlady wrote, is a key point. Perhaps society's conditioning to not be perceived as a bitch is a part of that too. Please understand that holding to your own personal boundaries is not being a bitch.

Not wanting to hurt him...That is a fine characteristic of your personality, unfortunately not shared by his personality. As he said: he is selfish and controlling: he doesn't care who or how much anyone else gets hurt. But he has also set it up that he'd better not get hurt! That's a classic double standard. Getting hurt by a (possible) break up goes with the territory of adult relationships. If he can't handle that then he shouldn't be dating.

Accepting getting hurt as a matter of course because you are in an adult relationship, which is what you would be doing by staying with this, is distorted thinking.

I know that relationships present vexations and annoyances as a back and forth balance is established in creating a partnership between two lives (and more with children). With this bloke, YellowRose, all the, correction-all of his - vexations and annoyances will be shouldered by you. You will not be allowed to be vexed or annoyed; if you dare to assert your perspective, you will be punished as you see over the use of your name. That is the reality of being with someone who is selfish and controlling. There are worse things than being single: being in a one-way relationship like this is one of them.

Don't contact him. That is your position resolved, that is what you can control. I agree with hellsbells post above.
If/when he contacts you, then say something simple (No thanks, I'm done) if you must must must abide by a personal code of ethics (not as a courtesy to him, but as a code of behavior reflecting your standards-even so is risking getting drawn back in).

In the mean time, please stop looking at his fb, whether you block him (you should) or not. That will only bring you frustrated anger and hurt...nothing else. Just don't go there.

There is a lot on the line for you in this circumstance: your mental health and the quality of all your future life. That is why so many people on this thread care.

Picture a fisherman standing on the riverbank. What does he do? He casts his lure then jerks it and teases it and moves it about in the water to make the fish bite. The fish swims up and round and round the lure. What happens if the fish bites? The fish either gets caught and eaten or gets reeled in, played with, and tossed back into the water.

Don't be that fish. Keep on swimming!

Yellowrose I really feel for you. I can feel the conflict coming off your recent posts, between your wish that he would behave in the way you are hoping he will, between your desire not to hurt him/upset him, between feeling it's your fault. It's a lot of conflict to have swirling about and I can imagine (because I've been there) that it's pretty confusing.

Here's my thoughts, as someone who has recently been trying very hard to stop being a people-pleaser and build their own boundaries.

You are worried, I think, that if you take the bull by the horns you will feel terrible. Because he will do his damnedest to either make you feel guilty with over-the-top promises, or make you feel rejected by seeming not to care if you are breaking up. You are, I think, waiting for him to make a move in the hope it's the one you want to hear. But by putting the power in his hands you lose your voice.

You said: I want him to know this behaviour is not OK and that I am not accepting it. You will not get the resolution you are looking for unless you create it for yourself.
You want him to admit he's not behaved very well and apologise. He wont, I doubt. (In the same way he hasn't actually yet apologised for upsetting you with the name thing - what he said on text was just a reaction to you asking for an apology, and was of the 'I'm sorry you are upset' variety. He didn't actually apologise for upsetting you or make right what he'd done.)
You can't make him know anything. All you can do is tell him how you feel. (Which you already have, several times.) In my experience, looking for them to somehow realise how much their behaviour has hurt you is futile, and ends up with it being projected back to you and it somehow becomes your fault.

You are worried, I think, that if you take the bull by the horns you will feel terrible. Because he will do his damnedest to either make you feel guilty with over-the-top promises, or make you feel rejected by seeming not to care if you break up. You are, I think, waiting for him to make a move in the hope it's the one you want to hear. But by putting the power in his hands you lose your voice.

I think if you text him saying anything at all like 'What's up/what's the deal/why haven't you contacted me' then he'll either feign complete innocence, leaving you feeling like you've overreacted, or he'll say something to make you feel guilty - eg 'I assumed you'd gone off me because you didn't want to see me on Sunday and haven't been in touch'. Both of these replies leave you scrabbling to justify your behaviour and put you on the back foot.

So. Now is the time to decide whether you want to continue or not. If the answer is no, then a text is fine - 'I've been having a long think about things after our argument last week, and I think we are just not right for one another. All the best.' No point in trying to get him to admit to anything, he never will, and trying to get 'closure' on why he behaved how he did will just confuse you more. Also, no need to justify why you are ending things.

Or you decide you are going to continue, in which case you need to set your corner out now - 'I haven't heard from you all week since you cancelled our Sunday plans, and I still haven't had a proper apology for the disrespect and upset you caused through not saying my name properly. These things are unacceptable to me, if you want a relationship with me we need to talk.'

Either way, take control in the way that you want, so you can stop the spaghetti-head feeling. Don't wait for him to decide what you do. You can do this.