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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend won't say my name

999 replies

YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 11:07

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowRose08 · 28/07/2015 18:31

Yes I want him to give a damn if (looking more like when) I end things. It would make me feel even shitter if he was just like 'oh ok' after I've been thinking about him non stop!

He has just posted on facebook what a great time he had in London :/ still heard nothing. I refuse to chase after him.

I just don't get it. For someone who has wanted a girlfriend for so long, why is he not over the moon to have one?! Why is he messing up something that could have been so good? :( I'm not perfect, I have many flaws, but I am kind, caring, loving, loyal.

Maybe he does want a gf - but only wants to see her on his terms :/

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 28/07/2015 18:40

He wants a doormat. He thought you'd be a good doormat but has realised you're not Grin

NameChange30 · 28/07/2015 18:41

You are basically TOO GOOD FOR HIM. You just need to find someone who deserves you obsessing over him Smile

DoreenLethal · 28/07/2015 18:42

Spot on. He doesn't like that you called him on it and this is part of the game of making you feel that it isn't worth calling him on things again, as look what happens...It is part of your training.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 28/07/2015 18:43

I definitely do not want to be anyone's doormat!!! I want him to keep posting stuff, the anger is helping me want to kick him to the curb! Eugh :(

OP posts:
sesamechoc · 28/07/2015 18:49

Omg when I read this pp "He will only ever meet the needs he thinks you should have and he will never be willing to hear when he is wrong. He will erode your self esteem..." I couldn't believe it cos that was what mum did to me ..... She too was very nice in many ways but only because I subconsciously changed myself to be the dd she desired not the one i I actually was. I was lucky enough to get help at a young age and was told I had had to create a false self. My true self was nurtured out and have been in a healthy long term relationship for 12 years and have never felt in all this time the sort of misery you describe after just a few months in a relationship ! I cannot advise you strongly enough to see a therapist ASAP as over 600 messages has not got the message through to you which leads me to believe your psychological defenses are very high and you would benefit enormously from help that could help you develop a healthier way of relating to yourself ( you are happy to accept a bf who won't say your fucking name, the basis of your " self" so your "self" esteem IMO is non existent

Duckdeamon · 28/07/2015 18:49

Someone like this will be a twat when dumped, eg more social media posts or comments to mutual friends and acquaintances about good times or new women. Don't stay "friends".

It will just be further evidence of his twattishness.

SpiritedQuill · 28/07/2015 18:50

Short tempered - He is short tempered in that he gets road rage. He drove really fast and overtook someone yesterday because they were being a c* apparently. He gets random angry moments. E.g. there was a car parked on side of the pavement, he was saying how it wasnt fair to pedestrians to walk on the road, how he wanted to pour his drink over the car... and just small things like that make him quite angry.

Were you in the car when he drove really fast? Were you a bit scared? Do you think he might have wanted you to be? This kind of behaviour could be really dangerous.

I would not be hanging about to see what vindictive punishments he feels entitled to dispense to you, if you were ever to do something small that he felt quite angry about.

He told you about being controlling and selfish because in his mind that you stayed with him after this admission gives him the later excuse "I told you what I was like."

Can I just say that staying with him, to whatever extent you do, is never consenting to be treated badly. Some women feel that 'they've made their bed' and have to put up with whatever happens after. It's not true, at any point, for any reason you can change your mind and end the relationship, don't wait for something BIG because women get habituated to the small irritations till they find themselves putting up with more than you would have believed at 23 a few months into a relationship.

If you end it now/soonish, it'll just be 'do you remember that strange guy I dated for a few months who wouldn't use my name?' rather that trying to prise him out of your head after years and years of gas lighting, perhaps with the complications of financial ties and/or children.

And you know, he may or may not be a grade A abuser, but he is by his own words and actions "selfish and controlling" and who needs that frankly? Find out who you are on your own and be sure that your next date makes you feel good and valued, not confused and wrong footed before becoming so deeply attached.

You are worth more than crumbs of affection addressed to someone else or generic 'Honey'.

Duckdeamon · 28/07/2015 18:50

Who said he's wanted a girlfriend for so long - him?

Allhallowspeeve · 28/07/2015 18:53

When I met DP he was totally different. There was no game playing, no angst, if we had a tiff it was sorted the next day.

I'd had dick head after dickhead since my teens. There is desent men out there that treat you right.

kaftanlady · 28/07/2015 19:01

Because if he is the kind of man we all suspect he is, his mind doesn't work like yours or mine, and trying to apply logic to what he does will drive you crazy!

Men like him feel compelled to control you, even if it isn't in their best interests really. You can't appeal to their better nature or get them to see sense. Goodness knows many of us on this thread have wasted a lot of time learning that the hard way.

Their behaviour defies logic or sense, but they continue to do it because that's who they are. It's their nature.

SpiritedQuill · 28/07/2015 19:03

I've suffered from depression and don't think dumping someone who may have mental health problems who is also decorated with buntings of red flags is some kind of ableist discriminatory action.

If you want to feel needed, go volunteer somewhere or get a pet. If you want to demonstrate your support for people with mental health problems then go do some fund raising for Mind (or the Samaritans etc) - training for a run or something would also give you a focus to get you through your mixed feelings. Don't sacrifice your youth, life and happiness on a relationship of years to prove these things to yourself.

You've been dating for three months, you owe him nothing. He's not ready for a healthy relationship if he's latching onto you as a saviour and warning/threatening you with stories from his past that he self harms if gfs cheat/leave.

kaftanlady · 28/07/2015 19:06

Sorry in case it wasn't clear, my last post was in response to this

"I just don't get it. For someone who has wanted a girlfriend for so long, why is he not over the moon to have one?! Why is he messing up something that could have been so good?"

SpiritedQuill · 28/07/2015 19:12

If he does threaten to harm himself - give him the details of the Samaritans and call the police. That is the responsibility human beings have to one another. Not staying in a relationship indefinitely just in case he might do something. No one can reasonably demand that from someone.

areyoutheregoditsmemargaret · 28/07/2015 19:13

He's wanted a girlfriend for so long because any sensible girl picks up on these signals and runs for the hills! Go! Flowers

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 28/07/2015 20:15

Maybe he does desperately want a girlfriend. Maybe he put extra effort into hiding his inner twunt this time. Maybe this is him at his best shudders

saltnpepa · 28/07/2015 21:52

He has met someone else. You have begun to show signs of demanding an adult and respectful relationship and he can't deal with that. He has met someone else. Move on.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 28/07/2015 22:03

Why he has met someone else?

OP posts:
CharlotteCollins · 28/07/2015 22:21

You say you've been thinking about him non-stop, but, to be fair, haven't a large proportion of those thoughts been "Why is he acting like such a dickhead?"

yummytummy · 28/07/2015 22:29

Op he may not have met someone else but he is probably realising he can't control you or keep you in your place and you could prove to be too much hard work for him as he would have to treat you as an equal.

kaftanlady · 28/07/2015 22:29

saltnpepa that's a bit of a leap isn't it?

MokunMokun · 28/07/2015 22:56

I'm not convinced he actually went to London. I think he's making it up to play with your head. You didn't want to meet him so now he's ignoring you and showing you what a great time he had without you.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/07/2015 23:05

Ifs, ands, & buts. All sound and fury. The fact is that he doesn't treat you with respect and he ignores things that bother you. The rest of it is just a smoke screen you are putting up to hide the fact that you are better off without him. You deserve someone who will treat you with respect, someone to whom you mean much more than you mean to this guy.

Duckdeamon · 29/07/2015 07:32

Wanting him to give a damn if you break up is your ego talking. And perhaps regret that you have given him so much headspace?

Goldmandra · 29/07/2015 08:06

The point is you don't know what's going on and you can't just ask him. You can't just have a sensible conversation.

It doesn't matter what he's been doing over the past few days. Your relationship is based on mind games. It isn't healthy or sustainable.