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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend won't say my name

999 replies

YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 11:07

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 28/07/2015 11:01

You would never have the strength to dump him in person. I despair tbh.
"He's not all bad haha" Hmm
After ALL the advice and experiences people have shared.

Anxiousanne01 · 28/07/2015 11:03

I agree AnotherEmma.

OP, your latest posts make you sound quite immature, sorry.

This relationship won't last, but it's your life. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 28/07/2015 11:03

I am sorry that I am weak :(

OP posts:
angstyaunty · 28/07/2015 11:06

He might not be 'all bad', but the bad bit of him lies at his core.
It's not like you've posted complaining about knuckle cracking and eating open mouthed. Confused

ButterfliesnWaterfalls · 28/07/2015 11:06

He's playing a mind game by not contacting you.

Obviously feelings don't go away over night but he doesn't seem to be worth all the drama (imo).

You should definitely leave him and find someone who can pronounce your name correctly.

All the best!

Anxiousanne01 · 28/07/2015 11:07

You’re not weak, you’re choosing to be. You don’t want to end things because you don’t want to not have a boyfriend, you think you need one. You’re worried about having to change your relationship status and your friends finding out.

Seriously, you don’t need just ANY boyfriend, especially one who refuses to pronounce your name correctly and then emotionally abuses you when you pull him up on it…and this is still early on in the relationship. Get on some dating sites/tinder and try and find yourself someone else if you need a boyfriend that badly, just don’t stay with this idiot. How on earth can you find him attractive after all this?!

Lweji · 28/07/2015 11:10

God, you are not weak, and you are in love. It's not easy. Of course not.

You don't have to follow orders from posters, FGS.

NameChange30 · 28/07/2015 11:10

I agree with anxiousanne's last two posts

Lweji · 28/07/2015 11:11

Unfortunately, hope is what keeps many women in relationships that are not good enough.

You have the reality of how he is treating you. What basis do you have for the hope, other than your own feelings?

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 28/07/2015 11:15

Thankyou for the hug Lweji :)

Yes it is the hope. I just keep thinking of all the lovely things he has said and done ect..

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowRose08 · 28/07/2015 11:16

I can totally appreciate why some posters are getting annoyed with me though. I would be too if it was one of my friends.

OP posts:
Lweji · 28/07/2015 11:27

You don't owe them (us) anything, nor your still bf.
You only owe it to yourself to respect and chose the best for yourself. Decide what that is and go for it. On your own time. But do beware of the dangers of putting up with it for too long and to keep hoping.

User543212345 · 28/07/2015 11:28

Lweji has it bang on here. It's the hope.

I suspect you're not ready to end this relationship, so when he does get in touch you'll run back to him and bask in his adoration, until he withdraws it next time. You know what, whilst it's not ideal that is OK. You're allowed to want to see him, even if you know he's a tosser, and you're allowed to not feel strong enough to dump him yet. I hope though that if he does this kind of thing again you'll see that it's a pattern and it'll repeat and repeat and he'll wear you down. It's hard to leave though when you know the good sides and you've been treated like a princess and the bad sides don't seem that bad.

Just please do leave before you are worn away to a shell of your former self. It's much easier to maintain self esteem and self respect than it is to try to build it back up once it has been eroded to nothing. And unless we're all wrong about the kind of man he is, he will keep going with the drip, drip, drip of undermining you and reducing who you are until you're completely reliant on him. Nobody wants that outcome for you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/07/2015 11:29

Yellow - I appreciate that you have feelings for this bloke, but I suspect that some of those feelings might be hangovers from your previous relationship. I also suspect that you think your self-esteem will take a knock if this relationship fails as well - but it should not because in this one, you are taking charge and saying "No! This is not good enough for me, I deserve better".

You have been unlucky that this bloke found you; but from now on, it's down to you how it works. You do have the control at this point - you have the ability and the knowledge to say "No, no more".

Hope in this case isn't helping you. It is holding you back, it's offering false promises - you need to cut your losses here and hope that the next man you find is a kind, decent man who will care properly for you.

And listen - stop with the putting-yourself-down stuff. You are strong. You have the ability within you to do this, whether face to face or by text. You just have to believe that you will be better off free, to find a decent man rather than this waste of space/emotion.

I do worry that you will cave in a face to face encounter, because he will cry and tell you that he will kill himself or similar - so, while it might seem unreasonable to you, it's probably better that you do it by text, even though it seems rude.

Not the same situation, but I had to dump someone over the telephone once - purely because I didn't think it was fair to make him travel to see me (he would have had to) just to then dump him. It was awful and I felt bad, but I would have felt much worse if it had been face to face. Still the right thing to do though.

ButterfliesnWaterfalls · 28/07/2015 11:30

Speaking from experience: I once had a guy who said my name wrong after a few times we had been speaking. I told him once and he didn't get it, so I stopped all correspondence with him. He tried contacting me but I never gave him the time of day and just labeled him 'The Idiot'.

This was in my early twenties. Even now, if someone says my name wrong after being told correctly, I don't think highly of that person.

I used to teach people from Eastern Europe, Africa, Asia, and I always made an effort to pronounce their name right. It creates a sense of comfort and ease.

Obviously your boyfriend doesn't understand the stress this whole situation is causing you. Why would you want to stay with someone like that?

LadyLuck81 · 28/07/2015 11:37

He can't do you the courtesy of getting your name right so why give him the courtesy of a break up face to face. Just a text saying that given the way things have gone you don't want to see him anymore and voila...you're free to move on.

LitreOfTea · 28/07/2015 11:37

Nobody is all bad.

If you hang on to him because he's not all bad you're saying that you feel you deserve somebody who is mostly but not all bad.

Only you can decide if you deserve more or not.

LitreOfTea · 28/07/2015 11:39

But I agree with swearygodmother and lweji, realisations are gradual. You'll get there..

Goldmandra · 28/07/2015 12:11

You need to do this at your own pace.

I have a feeling that you'll see your interactions with him in a different light now, even if you take a little while to actually finish the relationship.

Keep talking about it and reflecting on his behaviour either with your friend, on MN or both. Just don't allow him to isolate you from people who you know will tell it to you straight.

I agree that you under no obligation to give him the news face to face but I can also see why you need to feel you've done the right thing. Face to face is OK but do it in a pub or somewhere else public and take a friend so you can't be emotionally blackmailed into changing your mind.

He may well threaten to self harm again. Talk that through with your friend beforehand and have your response ready; something along the lines of "That will be your decision. I cannot be responsible for your behaviour."

Play it over in your head. Talk it through with your friend and there will come a time when you realise you have no choice.

Of course he's not all bad. You wouldn't be with him in the first place if he were. He just isn't the right person for you and staying with him is putting you at risk of real emotional harm. He could be the right partner for someone who would have out him him firmly and publicly in his place the second time he got her name wrong. Not a better or stronger person; just a different one.

You have an immense amount to offer the right person and the world at large. You don't need this relationship to validate you.

HoldYerWhist · 28/07/2015 12:30

Of course he's not all bad. They never are, unfortunately.

There's enough good there to make you fall hook, line and sinker. Enough good that when they start this bullshit they can rely on your self doubt and feelings for them to get away with it.

I think you're doing great, recognising now that he's not all that wonderful. The next step is by far the hardest.

But ask yourself this; do you want to be starting threads like this for the next 5, 10, 20 years???

Imagine your whole life putting but with this head fuckery. Is that what you want?!

Tequilashotfor1 · 28/07/2015 14:13

op is there a tiny bit of you that wants him to beg you back if you finish with him in person and your worried he won't give a damn if you finish through text ?

Lweji · 28/07/2015 14:43

That's true. What if he doesn't seem to give a damn if you finish with him?
It doesn't take any importance from you. He could be faking, and it would be further proof that he was not the person for you.
He might even finish with you first. What do you think you will do if that is the case?

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 28/07/2015 15:17

I'm still hoping he will come running back apologising profusely, or with some explanation for his shitty reaction to the name drama...

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

What would he have to say and do now for you to choose to stay with him?

What if he doesn't say or do those things?

What would be deal breakers for you?

Duckdeamon · 28/07/2015 15:50

Of course you have some feelings for him, of course he's not all bad (very few people are), but neither of those facts mean it's best to continue the relationship and hope for him to behave like the caring, patient, even-tempered, non-manipulative, not-hot-and-cold boyfriend (who gets your name right) you would like to have.

Joysmum · 28/07/2015 17:45

They do just enough to keep you hooked knowing if it's all bad you'd call it a day. Doesn't mean they are good people, just that they know better than you do where your boundaries lie.

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