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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend won't say my name

999 replies

YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 11:07

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowRose08 · 26/07/2015 18:47

I certainly feel im going mad haha! For someone who cant even be bothered to get my name right. Get a grip girl!

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/07/2015 18:58

That's why you should dump him asap. Just to get it done with.

Libitina · 26/07/2015 19:00

Just to get it done with.

Op, this. Just sever all ties and get on with living a happy life.

seagreengirl · 26/07/2015 19:10

I know it must be really frustrating for you all to put time and effort into reading and writing comments and for me to not just dump him immediately. But believe me I am getting there.

OP I may be going against the grain here, and what you have been telling us doesn't sound great, but please don't make your decision based on what people, that don't know the whole story, have to say. You have had some great advice, and to be honest it does sound a little bit like mind games, but don't be rushed into a decision before you are ready.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 26/07/2015 19:13

They can certainly mess with your head. And it all starts with the small things. But your twat radar is pinging loudly now I think. So - mentally start disengaging. Hopefully your friend will be a good sounding board in real life.

Finishing it with mutual friends in the mi is best done politely I think, and if anyone asks just say 'I couldnt keep going out with someone who kept getting my name wrong' and keep it light.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 26/07/2015 19:17

I agree, don't concern yourself with what he is thinking. And if you might be the type of person who can not stand anyone thinking ill of you...Well, so what if he thinks I'll of you? You seriously do not need his good opinion (apologies to Jane Austen).

If anyone asks, including him, all you need to say is something vague and all encompassing like, "I just couldn't see it (the relationship) go the distance".

stayanotherday · 26/07/2015 20:13

He's playing games with your emotions chopping and changing all the time. He sounds desperate tbh as if he's playing on all sides of you to bring you back into line. He knows he's losing you. Hope you had a good day with your friend.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 26/07/2015 21:24

My friend was lovely. She was really shocked regarding his reaction over my name. She said his response was ridiculous and why was he so defensive ect...

She said it sounds like he has a lot of issues. She said to see what his behaviour is like next few days or when we meet next. It made me feel stronger to see her angry reaction about him, guess it just validated that I am right to be upset and annoyed.

Still not heard anything from him today

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 26/07/2015 21:41

Glad your friend was so supportive! Hope you had a nice evening together x

FeckTheMagicDragon · 26/07/2015 21:45

I'm pleased your friend help validate your feelings.

I wouldn't expect him to text you because 'he's in London! With his friend! Having fun!!!!'

If he does text you it will be as an deliberate and obvious, casual afterthought. And probably at an inconvenient time for you :)

Don't let it get to you. It's playing games.

hhhhhhh · 27/07/2015 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/07/2015 06:56

Glad your friend was shocked and angry too - see? not just you or a bunch of internet randoms

But really, why would you bother "waiting and seeing" - he's currently in the control part of his cycle, trying to, as Feck said "put you back in your box" (or bring you to heel, if you prefer) - but when he realises his control tactics aren't working, can you guess what the next stage will be?

Charm offensive, that's what. Suck you back in by being all lovely and attentive and possibly even getting your name right. This will prove that he can do it when he wants to - and that when he stops doing it, it's also because he wants to. Because he gets to choose his behaviour, and you just get to put up with whatever he decides to throw at you.

If you read the Relationships boards, where the abused women hang out, you'll see that not one of the abusers start out abusive, and in fact they are mostly very loving and charming to start with. Indeed, that's part of the "act" to get you hooked - if they were abusive bastards from the off, they'd never suck the victims in! So often, the abused partners wish that they could get back the loving man they first knew, they're sure he must be in there somewhere, if only they knew how to behave to get him back. It's the saddest thing to read - because once out of that situation, you can see that it is nothing to do with what the woman does or doesn't do - it is always the abuser's choice to behave that way.

Now there are some on this thread who object to the catastrophising of us calling your bf abusive - and so far, he hasn't really achieved his full potential, but then so far you haven't been with him that long for him to run his length! But the advice and the information you've been given here will help you, not only with this man but with others. Look up red flags, make yourself aware of what to look for whenever you decide to see someone else (and I have to say I agree with the pp who suggested some time alone to do what you want to do, untrammelled by any attachments!) so you won't get caught again. :)

DoreenLethal · 27/07/2015 08:58

Not quite sure what you are waiting and seeing in all honesty. He cannot even get your name right! do you think he will suddenly decide he can say it, in which case you have really got to ask yourself why he was doing it wrong in the first place.

Each day you wait and see, you are wasting that day.

Duckdeamon · 27/07/2015 09:04

Not a sensible decision to "wait and see" but at least your eyes are open.

When I was younger I got into relationships with boys/men with "issues" and now see that this was a terrible idea! Since their "issues" involved/were used as an excuse for treating women badly.

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 27/07/2015 10:09

So many of my friends admitted once I'd left my EXh that they thought he was a twat and treated me badly.
People won't always tell you what they truly think until the person is out of the picture, so the fact that your friend is cross really shows you what a knob he is being!!

Goldmandra · 27/07/2015 20:45

I was recounting this thread to my 18YO DD who has never had a serious boyfriend. I only got as far as "He won't say her name properly, even though she's corrected him several times...." and she interrupted me with "Oh FGS! She needs to dump him." She didn't need to hear any more.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 28/07/2015 09:24

Well done on raising your daughter to not put up with any crap :)

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 28/07/2015 10:27

Well done on raising your daughter to not put up with any crap

I don't think I have TBH and I think you would probably have said the same in her position. I just wanted to illustrate for you that, outside the context of the other behaviour that clouds the issue, not using your correct name is very clearly a deal breaker and you aren't being unreasonable for feeling like ending this relationship.

I think you know that you make this decision now. There's no way he doesn't know that he's upset you about his use of your name and he's not prepared to take the tiniest step towards resolving the issue. He's not going to change.

I don't often say this because I'm painfully aware that, despite the best efforts of the OP, we only get one perspective on MN and small but significant details can be missed, but, on this occasion, I think it's clear as crystal. You need to walk away from this man and never look back. He will only ever meet the needs he thinks you should have and he will never be willing to hear when he is wrong. He will erode your self esteem until you start to believe that you deserve the way he treats you and should be grateful for the occasional 'nice' things he decides to do, even though they are not what really makes you happy.

You deserve so much more than him.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 28/07/2015 10:48

Thankyou goldmandra.
I am getting teary eyed here :(
Well I haven't heard anything from him since Saturday :/

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 28/07/2015 10:49

Of course you haven't heard from him. He's punishing you for having some self respect. Probably looking for his next victim.

NameChange30 · 28/07/2015 10:51

Is there something stopping you from dumping him, OP?
I hoped that seeing your friend might help to strengthen your resolve - hearing it from someone in real life as well as a bunch of strangers on the Internet!

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 28/07/2015 10:55

I still have feelings for him :( I'm still hoping he will come running back apologising profusely, or with some explanation for his shitty reaction to the name drama...

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowRose08 · 28/07/2015 10:55

I know I'm an idiot :( I just really liked him. He's not all bad haha

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowRose08 · 28/07/2015 10:56

Or maybe I'm just a mug!

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowRose08 · 28/07/2015 10:57

Id rather dump him in person too. Just feels the better thing to do even if he has been a dick

OP posts:
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