Boyfriend won't say my name

[YellowRose08]

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

OP you have had great advice from wise posters. Why don't you try getting angry instead of devastated. You know deep down that he is a dick. You are being manipulated by the drama he is creating which is getting the result he intended to get.

Nobody on here is trying to get you to end it just so that they feel good. They are telling you he is manipulating you and you are not prepared to listen.

Why don't you thrown yourself into the relationship and allow yourself to get treated like shit until it finally dawns on you for yourself? I know this sounds harsh but maybe that is what you have to do in order for it to sink in.

"Like many illnesses the severity can change day to day (or even hour to hour) and the fact sometimes a person with depression is able to carry on with normal, fun activities (eg: days out with friends) doesn't mean their depression is fake!"

I totally agree with you.

Of course someone with depression can enjoy a day trip to London. We all interact with people - probably daily - who have depression, but you can't tell by looking at them! They may well be enjoying themselves too!

However would you agree that someone who says stuff which basically means "if you leave me I might kill myself, and so you need to stay with me to keep me alive" is a sign of manipulation rather than depression?

A manipulative person can suffer from depression of course, but that kind of emotional blackmail is to do with the manipulation rather than depression?

"Why don't you thrown yourself into the relationship and allow yourself to get treated like shit until it finally dawns on you for yourself? I know this sounds harsh but maybe that is what you have to do in order for it to sink in."

Sorry but that's terrible advice. It took me years to get away from the manipulative man I got tangled up with. The longer they are together the harder it could get as he akes the OP feel ever more responsible for his wellbeing.

daviddickhead is wrong, and should probably RTFT.

Thank you for the correction, sticklebrick. I am glad you are able to function for whole days out and best wishes for a speedy and complete recovery.

Perhaps I said it wrong. My intention was to doubt the existence of his depression because of the tone of the bf' s interactions with YellowRose, his dismissiveness towards her feelings over the name issue, as well as dismissiveness towards others over his road rage show that his interactions with people display a lack of sincerity. His timing and manner in disclosing his mental health issue has been thought on this thread to have been a manipulation of YellowRose and she has said the timing and manner of the disclosure made her feel very uncomfortable. Others with mental health conditions have said they do not use it against people/to manipulate people. Imho, he is clearly a manipulative, entitled, and I want to say a liar (having to go to the family do-not). He is treating mental health issues as a card in his hand to play to keep YellowRose in line. His actions betray his words.

Kaftan I really only said that to highlight to the OP how horrendous it would be. You are right though, it is terrible advice and I would hate if OP took it as advice.

It is just so hard to listen to young women being treated so badly. The reason I am so frustrated by this post is because it happened to me. My EXH's behaviour was textbook behaviour and the OP's boyfriend is displaying that behaviour to a tee. I would hate for her to go through what myself and other posters have been through.

I wanted to jolt the OP into seeing some sense.

It was unkind OP and I am sorry. My advice is to run the opposite direction. One day you will find someone who loves you and is really kind to you because they care about you and want to look after you. He doesn't love you or want to look after you.

If a man is so terrified a gf will leave him and he may harm himself.... Don't we think he'd make a bit of an effort to use the correct name, when repeatedly asked to.

As a former depressive myself, I say bollocks is he depressed. He's a nasty piece of work who will use any trick he can to make someone stay with him so he can treat them like shit.

Depersonalisation is Abuser 101. It breaks down the victim to non person. It also shows said non person that they aren't worth thinking about, and robs them of their right to stand up for themselves and expect respect and consideration.

A normal person would be mortified and would only need correcting ONCE!

All he's ever said is that he'll try...

Not. Good. Enough.

Yes I agree that it may be manipulative to tell a partner you only stopped self harming because of them. On the other hand it could be something said whilst trying to be honest to a partner about self-harm.

I was in a very bad place before I met one of my (now ex) partners. Once we got together I did stop self-harming. This was discussed with him, although it was not in a bid to manipulate him into never breaking up with him. I hope he didn't ever see it in that way either.

Without knowing the full context of the discussion it's hard to say whether this man is being manipulative (and I'm certainly not saying that's not a possibility here) but I do think that if self-harm is something that has featured heavily in your life it's be normal to discuss that with a partner, including when/ why you self harmed in the past and why you may have now stopped.

Whilst this man may be lying about his depression I don't think the OP has given anywhere near enough information to start making that assumption. Personally I think, considering the OP said his last depressive episode was before she raised any of this with him and this before he knew she was having doubts about the relationship, it seems unlikely he was making it all up just to manipulate her. Not impossible, but unlikely.

I'm not denying, by the way, that he may be manipulating the OP but more saying that that even if he is using his depression/ self-harm as a tool to manipulate the OP it still doesn't mean he is making up his depression. To jump to the conclusion some of his behaviour could be manipulative and thus that he must be completely making up the depression to fool the OP just seems a pretty big assumption to make based on the little the OP has said here.

Nobody here is at all qualified or informed enough to start questioning the things he had told the OP about his mental health. If he had told the OP he had a physical health condition would people be saying, 'Oh, but he's well enough to go to London? He must by lying!' Or, 'He opened up about his illness? It's s trap, he wants you to feel you can't leave him!'

I think it's u likely people would be accusing him of making it up if he'd told the OP he had MS or CFS or IBS or similar conditions in which people have good/ bad days.

To reiterate, I'm not denying his behaviour may be manipulative but from what the OP's said there's no reason to believe he can't be a manipulative person who does also genuinely suffer from depression.

What Hissy said ^ (much more concise and pithy than how I tried to say it)

Also, YellowRose, on the meeting a better guy in the future...
I don't want to come across as taking exception to this idea as it will probably turn out to be true.
But, that said, just know that being in a bad relationship is much more worse than not being in a relationship at all. You do not need a relationship with a man to be fulfilled or to thrive in your own life, or to even be Happy.

Honey, When I was 12, I rode a horse named Honey. No way would I answer to it. My dh used to try to whistle for me...I set him straight on that right sharpish.

I can on,y speak for myself, but when depressed I would never have done something to hurt anyone's feelings, if I'd offended them in any way I'd be mortified and would be devastated. I'd not 'try' to remember their name, I'd bloody well remember it! I agree he could be an arsehole who has depression too, but whether or not he really does have depression or not, he's an arsehole and his treatment of her is not good enough.

Likewise when I was starting out dating after ending my abusive relationship, I was constantly wary of seeing abuser behaviour in others. My therapist reminded me over and over that unacceptable behaviour is exactly that, unacceptable.

Band whistle? He used to whistle you? Never mind about setting him straight, I'm surprised he can still walk straight!

sticklebrickstickle

Did you tell your bf that you hadn't self-harmed since you had been with him, or "because" of him?

I don't see him as an evil manipulative horrible person, but someone who probably needs to feel secure in himself and does it through other people, in this case the OP, rather than supporting her and making her feel better. The depression may be the cause or the consequence, but for the OP it doesn't really matter either way. What matters is how you feel about the relationship with him, OP, and according to your posts, you are feeling dismissed, ignored, avoided, cringing, wanting to avoid friends. None good.

Dude. You are 23. Fucking bin him.

X-post sticklebrick
Our pretty big assumptions are based on years of first hand experience with these social dynamics as well as many years (8 for me) of reading, discussing, analyzing emotionally abusive relationships here on this board. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...what's the assumption? Yeah, it's a duck. The beauty of MN is that others can avoid so so much pain and suffering-as well as the sometimes years (including counseling) to recover- by taking the advice of folks that have been there, and done it (sometimes repeatedly).

I appreciate that your wish to defend people with depression and who self-harm. This is my dd, who also suffers other disorders that require a constellation of medications to manage (and no, she is not able to go out for a full day and enjoy herself). My comments may seem flippant to you, but please remember the context-emotionally abusive relationship. It isn't about people with depression. I am sorry if my comments presented you with a trigger. It was unintended.

If a man is so terrified a gf will leave him and he may harm himself.... Don't we think he'd make a bit of an effort to use the correct name, when repeatedly asked to.

^ Haha you would think wouldn't you.

Well he hasn't messaged me today. First time since we've met that he hasn't.

I'm meeting up with my friend in a few hours. I feel anxious though. I feel silly as I feel there is nothing 'major' to moan about.

I am sorry guys :( I know it must be really frustrating for you all to put time and effort into reading and writing comments and for me to not just dump him immediately. But believe me I am getting there.

It's not frustrating. :)

We know it's not easy, nor immediately, particularly if it's one of those relationships where there isn't one big thing. I went on for almost a week on my last until I was sure I had to pull out, and sometimes the old doubt creeps in. :)

You don't have to explain it all to your friend, or you could let her read some of the things you and others said on this thread.
But, chances are she will have seen it already and will surprise you by supporting you in leaving him.

Ultimately, it's your life, your decision. Don't leave for us, and don't stay for him.

It doesn't always have to be something 'major' to end a relationship, sometimes it's just a number of 'minor' things. Sometimes it's 'nothing'. No one has to justify breaking off with someone (well, unless they're married or in a LTR), it's enough if a relationship doesn't 'feel right' or 'isn't working', especially if it's a new one.

FWIW, I think refusing to pronounce your name correctly after being repeatedly asked, and then saying you are unreasonable to expect it to be pronounced correctly is pretty major.

It is not a waste of time and effort to try to help someone who is struggling. I can't say for certain but I think a lot of posters on this thread are older than you and have been through similar. If we can help you avoid going through that crap its a result!

I would just say 'I like him but I just don't see a future with him'.

It's true what accross the pond says.

My last relationship, I ended it with him because he had developed a habit of delivering back to me a harsh interpretation of something I'd openly admitted. I hope that makes sense. eg, I'd said to him that the relationship before him, the man hadn't meant that much to me but that we were both at the same stage post divorce both hoping that dating wouldn't be too frightening and I think we did each other good. He took that and twisted it in to me using and experimenting on a man. I argued it and he used my own words back to me, but they seemed to have a darker meaning than I'd intended. It seemed very unfair, when I knew that the man before him just said good bye and wished me well when we split up. I just thought, omg, I can't cope with somebody telling me how I feel! Or telling me what my decisions and choices meant!! That's for me to say!

but sure enough when I ended it he acted like it was completed out of nowhere and he said i was 'experimenting' on him too

In my experience it's never the big things (barring extreme circumstances/peril/violence) that are thereasins for splits in situations like these.

In my case, despite 10 years of shite, and some hideous low points, what did for me was my ex telling my best friend's dh that I'd been in a mental institution for 5 years. He wanted the dh to tell my best friend not to associate with me, and being as their country is so backward in just about everything, that's enough usually to have fiends vanish into thin air. That and the fact that we weren't married but had a child and we're living together.

You have plenty of reason to have ended this relationship, over time you'll see more and more why he needs to be history.

YellowRose his behaviour since you really called him on saying your name, and then the texts where he tried to twist your stating facts as an apology is all designed to punish you and mess with your head. He didn't even really say sorry for doing it. He said he was 'Sorry he made you feel that way' with an unspoken 'but what I did wasn't wrong, you're just taking it the wrong way and making a fuss so I'm saying this to shut you up. But I'm not really sorry'. It not actually an apology. Is he in politics or the media? :) en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-apology_apology

• changing plans about Sunday and not even discussing or TELLING you - just mentioning it passing - withdrawal as a punishment.

• then offering to make time for lunch only, but you had plans that you are not changing at the last minute. Oh thats not how your supposed to behave! Right! Arrange and post on FB about a trip to London, see how she likes them apples! - punishment.

• still not giving the right response (backing down, saying sorry, begging for forgiveness)? Right, time to up the ante - no texts. At all. - again, withdrawal as a punishment.

Its not the actions in and of themselves. Its the motivation behind it. Which is to get you back in your box. And yes, all designed to make you feel needy and anxious.

In my case the small thing that tipped me over the edge (after years of cheating, drinking, being ignored, etc) was walking into the pub he was in with his mates, after work to, you know, see him - he pointed and laughed at me, told me to go home and change as I looked like charlie chaplin.

I was 5'8" size 14 (years ago) wearing a pin striped trouser suit & smart black boots - I have seen photos of me in it and I looked fabulous! He was just being a twat cos he was out with his mates (and probably chatting someone up)

I went home and I changed. And then I sat and had a really good think and realised - he did nothing for me and never had. We split up 2 weeks later.

Feckthemagicdragon - Yes that is certainly how it feels. But what if he responds that he thinks thats actually how I am treating him? Because I havent been texting him back, declined his invite to lunch ect.. what if he thinks I'm withdrawing from him so thats why hes withdrawing from me?

Yes I know I'm trying to justify...

Dont try and figure out what he's thinking - that way madness lies :)

You have not done anything wrong - you are reacting to things he has done, and is still doing.

Remember he was the one who cancelled on you because of the weather, and went back and forth on meeting and not meeting.

And the name thing...