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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend won't say my name

999 replies

YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 11:07

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/07/2015 02:26

No, I doubt it. Because if he was, you'd be receiving a barrage of text messages saying things like "Are you ok? Have I done something wrong? Have I upset you?" But you're not, are you.

He's just fiiiine. He thinks he has you where he wants you, and that's exactly how he likes it.

SaltyandSweet · 26/07/2015 02:44

Agree with ThumbWitches, if this was as hard for him, he would be saying all that and more. He would be worried he'd screwed up and would be trying to fix things, not act like everything is ok. Also, would you usually only communicate via text? Given the disagreements and cancelled plans, I would have expected a phone call.

Hissy · 26/07/2015 09:08

bogey was perhaps a little heavy handed, but it's important to one the chinks in our armour.

We ALL have some need for reassurance, but for some that comes with vulnerability, people pleasing and a need for approval - this is what is the beacon for manipulative buggers with inferiority complexes that have to wreck others to feel better about themselves.

Stay strong OP. Enjoy your Sunday, hope your sleep wasn't too disturbed last night.

Lweji · 26/07/2015 09:16

Bogey needs to RTFT.

His problem is not that you may be needy. It's his own self esteem and how he gets it up. At your expense. Through emotional manipulation and blackmail.

Different people have different needs regarding contact, but that is usually dealt with by talking and compromising. Not game playing and lame excuses.

It's normal that you feel the need to be loved. But sometimes we do need to walk away for our sanity.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 26/07/2015 09:23

He has just posted on facebook he is going to London today to see his friend.

It is hard because even though I dont feel he is treating me how I'd want to be treated, there is still that feeling that I am just being overly needy and paranoid

OP posts:
TruckingOn · 26/07/2015 09:28

So now instead of meeting up with you as planned, he's strung you along with a story about his parents having guests today etc and then says he'd have lunch with you, yet now is suddenly off visiting a friend?

See your mate today, have a laugh, send him an 'I'm just not that into you' type of text and move on. Sod what people think, sod the issue about your status on Facebook, you can decide how to play that later.

You need love and laughter in your life, not this hassle and stress.

TruckingOn · 26/07/2015 09:30

Ps of course, I'm just words on a screen. So you do whatever you feel is best. But if I was that friend coming to see you today, I'd be listening to you and not judging. Supporting you to do what you want to do. And then moving on and having a giggle together. Hope you have a lovely day, love. Xx

Lweji · 26/07/2015 09:32

I'd definitely change my fb status and just leave it at that.
Let him figure it out.

LindyHemming · 26/07/2015 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoreenLethal · 26/07/2015 09:41

OP just bloody stop this nonsense!

It is part of his control. Still. Now you are thinking you are needy and paranoid. All because you objected to him not calling you by your actual name.

This man is not for you. Never was. You really need to stop this and take control back. He is playing you like the proverbial fiddle. And you felt a pang of 'hurrah' when he deemed it in his schedule to fit you in today. Because he is withholding on purpose.

Do not continue a relationship when you know something is not right. Ever. As this is how it is when it is good. Who knows how bad it can get when it gets bad.

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 26/07/2015 09:57

You are 23.
You should be having FUN. You should be carefree and laughing, a lot.
Tell this cretin to do one, and enjoy your life!!
Relationships should not be hard, and when they are hard, it should be because you've got a lot of shared experience to back that up and help you along not a couple of months.
Get rid of him, block him on Facebook and give yourself time to get over him.
Read the number of women on here who are trapped in horrible marriages because they didn't heed the warnings!! ThanksThanks

etKrusTe · 26/07/2015 10:04

yes, you are so young. You don't have to put up with this bullshit. Well Im 20 years older than you and I wouldn't! So take your youth and move on!

And when he cross-examines you wrt your 'right' to end the relationship just be clear about it 'you make me feel bad not good'. don't give specific examples. I suspect it will be hard to end it. I suspect he will put you in the box, so to speak, and make you justify your right to end a relationship with him!

AyeAmarok · 26/07/2015 10:04

I don't see a problem with his FB post. He wanted to see OP today, then he cancelled (which was a bit of game playing, I'll grant you), but then asked OP to do something else, she did no as I have plans with a friend, so now he's made plans with one of his friends rather than sitting in.

The post is probably just so you don't think he has no friends. Hardly a dump and block offence!

etKrusTe · 26/07/2015 10:06

Don't worry about your status on fb.

what's more important? Being happy? or appearing to be happy?

Hissy · 26/07/2015 10:22

He's the needy one, he can't be alone.

He also can't bring himself to call you by your name.

Or treat others with respect, or you.

It gets easier, just wean yourself off him, day by day.

In a week this won't seem so hard.

Botanicbaby · 26/07/2015 10:44

Please listen to what they say OP! I wish I'd had MN when I was in my twenties...every time you feel not wanted or needed by him just focus on how ridiculous he is for not pronouncing your name correctly.

What Hissy says above...wean yourself off this guy ASAP! You can do it & you'll find someone who isn't this much hard work! Smile

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 26/07/2015 12:06

I don't think going to London for the day (even without knowing the distance involved) is something a depressive person would want to do, just saying.

Also, I thought he dismissed the original Sunday plan because he "had to attend" his family do. So that wasn't true as he wanted to change off of that (when you didn't bat an eye-thumbs up for you) and see you after all. Then (!) when you politely declined he has to one-up you by going to London which must be better plans than yours. Hmm

Perhaps have a read of "Games People Play".

Honey isn't your name either. Frustrated Angry anger is something you will be able to count on from him. Who needs that? No thanks.

davidburn · 26/07/2015 12:31

*
men tend to call his loved one a special name to show that you are special and unique to him, so congratulations, you are special and unique to him,and he cares deeply for you.
*

Hissy · 26/07/2015 12:35

david

Men call their loved ones by special names, true.

but they don't insist on calling their loved one by the wrong name, especially when asked multiple times NOT to

tippytap · 26/07/2015 12:36

Bollocks.

He can't get her name right.

That's NOT special.

Ffs.

CaptainHolt · 26/07/2015 12:49

What a load of crap. Mispronouncing someones name even though you know it pisses them of is not a sign of caring deeply for them. At best it's a sign that they are so self absorbed that they haven't noticed how rude they are. At worst they are a creepy, manipulative game-player.

sticklebrickstickle · 26/07/2015 12:51

I don't think going to London for the day (even without knowing the distance involved) is something a depressive person would want to do, just saying.

I have depression. I also self-harm. I have also been on days out to London.

The stereo-type that people with depression must spend all of the time unable to function or will have no moments of happiness is a dangerous one. It may be like that for some people but for many of us there will be good days and bad days. On the good days we may well be able to manage a day out but that doesn't make our depression any less real on the occasions when it is debilitating. Like many illnesses the severity can change day to day (or even hour to hour) and the fact sometimes a person with depression is able to carry on with normal, fun activities (eg: days out with friends) doesn't mean their depression is fake!

Zucker · 26/07/2015 13:03

Nice try davidburn or can I call you bobstings from now on to show how much I care?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/07/2015 14:29

Utter balls to the whole "he has a special name for you which shows he cares deeply" - CRAP! The OP is upset that he can't get her name right. He cares nothing for her feelings on this, just insists that he "can't do it but he'll try" - that's not a "special name", that's an "I can't be fucked to get this right and don't give a toss if you're upset over it either".

Some people! Angry

Lweji · 26/07/2015 14:33

Davidbarn must be right. He put his post between

I think he meant the honey as the special name. Sometimes. But it can also be very condescending. And impersonal. It's not really a personal pet name.