Boyfriend won't say my name

[YellowRose08]

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

also as Lweji says you don't need to run a test but also is this how you REALLY want your relationship to go/be run? along the lines of a test?!

No get rid.

read Lweji's last sentence:-

He is telling you how he is. Controlling. Do believe him.

ultimately it's up to you. we can't say anything more. You're so young though and can do so much better.

No Lweji I don't think we have all moved on from the name issue. Because the OP is still focusing on it, so it's as well to keep it in mind while offering other help, reasons, scenarios etc., so that the OP can better relate it to her question and concern.

Remember yellow that abuse (especially emotional abuse) starts insidiously and escalates very slowly. That way you're sucked into the web before you know it, and the abusive behaviour is 'normalized' in your head. You become numb and accepting of the behaviour. You put up with mispronouncing your name, then you start putting up with some other minor thing, then another, and another.

You may think 'Oh no! Not me!'. I thought the same thing. I denied, made excuses, and 'normalized' it. I wondered if I was making 'too much' of it because he told me I was. That I was the unreasonable one, trying to 'cause problems in the relationship'. Sound familiar?

You want a test? As others have said, you've had your test, haven't you? At this point, even if you were to tell him point blank that you are done and he was to magically start pronouncing your name correctly, he's already shown that he has no regards for your feelings until you get upset to the point of leaving him. That in and of itself is good enough reason to stop seeing him.

Ok, thumb, not all. :)

what across says about it escalating and normalising is so true..

you begin to accept that you've "said something wrong, so that warrants an argument" (about nothing or minor usually).

that when he says it looks nice when "you wear matching outfits" you nod and agree, when he says (when I had eczema on backs of knees) "that looks disgusting can't you do anything about it?!" (it was caused by nerves due to him!) you agree and think why are my legs so horrid?!

see?? you become conditioned to pleasing him and how/what he says is right.

next it'll be:-

"I don't like XXX friend of yours" (my ex said this) - eg so you don't see them anymore.

it will be an extremely hard uphill struggle for him to change and at this point in the relationship I'd walk away, if there was other stuff nice in his favour and you really liked him I'd suggest counselling but not with this one.

You don't have to decide he is abusive or not but focus on how you feel - undermined, not listened to, not valued for you and your name, weirded out by self harm statements, uncomfortable, worried. None of that is good enough.

"What is wrong with me why do I still wanna be with him even though he cant even get my name right!! Why do I just want him to phone me and hear him say hes sorry and he didnt mean to act like that. "

You are asking yourself a very good question there OP. Why, with all this hassle in a relationship that should still be in it's honeymoon period - you've said you've only been seeing each other for a few months - do you persist? How emotionally invested can you be in such a short relationship?

My thoughts are :

1. You're just 23 and not long out of a 6-year relationship. So from age 17, you have always been part of a couple. It's familiar, comfortable, and you don't have much experience of not having someone there. Maybe singledom seems unfamiliar, uncomfortable, to be avoided. This need not be a conscious thought; just something nudging gently.

1. Your parents modelled a particular behaviour; the woman was belittled and abused and remained in the relationship. Even if you've sworn never to repeat her mistakes, this is still the behaviour you will have absorbed.

1. Women are still largely socialised to be 'polite' and 'nice'. It is why women sometimes do not respond to their gut instincts to remove themselves from situations because to do so might hurt someone's feelings, and that would be 'impolite' and 'nasty'.

1. The rebound effect. You've come out of a long-term relationship, it was not your choice to end that relationship, is not unknown to 'bounce' deeper and quicker than is wise into the next relationship, as a form of solace and reassurance.

So basically there is no one reason, there are many working in concert. Look over the reasons that occurred to me. They might apply, they might not.

I'm also going to copy KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable's post, because I really think she makes a very good point.
"Armchair psychology coming up from my own personal experience of being a child of a bad marriage. You see your mother mistreated by your father but not leave. You know it is wrong. You choose never to put up with it yourself. Problem is you have never seen how to not put up with it, how to nip it in the bud, how to grit your teeth and walk away. You probably saw minimisation, avoidance of conflict, no one standing up to anyone else in any meaningful manner."

"Not putting up with crap is difficult. Walking away and leaving someone else to deal with their problems on their own is difficult."

"When you throw away the wormy apple, you lose the nice bits of the apple too. You still chuck it though."

I think this reason definitely applies.

Why don't you tell us what your name is. You can always name change later.

Because it is bad netiquette to ask, for all sorts of reasons.

Thankyou everyone for the messages.

I have decided I am going to meet up with him in person to see what his behaviour is like. If he apologises, if he gets my name right ect..
Also, if I break up with him I would prefer to do it face to face.

The disappointment is probably the hardest thing to deal with as I just thought I had a really good feeling about him. But probably infatuation and lust is playing a big part.
He has told me he loves me several times but Ive never said it to him. (I felt like I did but I was apparehensive that it was just the lust taking over at this stage!)

I do definitely agree my childhood and parents marriage has affected my view of relationships. I never felt loved as a child, parents never showed much affection, never said 'i love you', often felt my mum chose to cater towards keeping my dad happy than protecting me from their arguments. I never felt she put me first.
I definitely am anxious in relationships, I need a lot of reassurance that I am loved and that I'm not going to be abandoned, which is why maybe I'm finding this so hard to walk away from??

If you google something called anxious attachment, that is how I feel in relationships

I havent put my name on here because obviously you never know who could be reading. I am happy to PM my name to people though

" I never felt loved as a child, parents never showed much affection, never said 'i love you', often felt my mum chose to cater towards keeping my dad happy than protecting me from their arguments. I never felt she put me first."

I'm sorry to hear that OP.

I hope you find a good partner who will give you the respectful, affectionate relationship you need and deserve - I'm sure you will! Just keep weeding out the bad'uns and a good one will turn up!

Yellowrose, I wish I'd had MN many years ago. I didn't know about red flags. I thought the good times would outweigh the bad. Please listen when I say they don't and as time goes on things will get worse.
You are lucky. You can get out now and even if you don't finish it now I believe your eyes have been opened and you will more easily spot the red flags before the train hits you.
I know I am probably projecting my experience onto you but I'm so glad you've started this thread. If we're all right, you'll know soon enough to escape. I wish you a happy life. Take it.

Please have your missing capital 'R'. I'm sorry I missed it!

Oh YellowRose you do sound a lot like me when I was younger.

My parents never showed affection, and they acted on a way which made me think they didn't love me. (Turns out my mum's on the autistic spectrum, something i'm in the middle of posting about on another current thread. But I had no idea until recently).

I was longed for love and affection and it led me to make some very bad relationship choices.

The psycho ex I was with did love me, I know he did. We really clicked too, at the beginning. But he was a twisted soul and couldn't help but act out his impulses to want to control, manipulate and possess me.

In a way he pulled the short straw really, as although our association damaged me deeply, and I wish i'd never met him, I have at least got away. He's stuck with being him. He'll never change,.nor manage to have a decent relationship. I have stopped feeling sorry for him. No that's not true actually. But I have stopped thinking it's my responsibility to act if I feel sorry for him.

Be careful tonight, he may make it very difficult to break up with him. Please don't bother trying to make him understand if he plainly doesn't. And beware emotional blackmail or him trying to appeal to your sense of fairness.

If you want to break up with him and he doesn't listen face to face you can always back it up with a text the following day.

You guys have definitely raised my awareness on things I hadn't even considered. Thankyou.
Hopefully if he gives me any attitude when I see him next, I will have the strength to finish it.

I am not seeing him tonight, Sunday at the earliest because of work x

I would recommend the book:

A Woman In Your Own Right - Assertiveness and You.

Yellow, just spend the next couple of days thinking about what you think a good relationship should and shouldn't feel like. I'll give you my thoughts to build on:

A good relationship should make me feel:
respected
safe
valued
independent
trusted
calm

It should NOT make me feel;
anxious
foolish
dependent
disrespected or belittled
fear
secretive

No relationship is perfect, there will be spats and unhappiness in the best. But through it all, even in the bad times, I've never felt like less than a 'whole', valuable person, iyswim. Ask yourself how this relationship in its entirety makes you feel.

YY Across

OP
Look at the thread right at the top of the Relationships Topic. It's called "Listen up everyone "or something similar

Eugh.
Before this disagreement happened, we had planned to go to this food festival thing on Sunday.
He text me today saying do you want to meet in the week?
I said are you not up for Sunday anymore?

He said the weather isnt looking great so hes giving it a miss but I can go with my friends if I want. He said he would invite me over Sunday but his parents are having guests over and everything is 'a bit hectic atm' but we can catch up in the week :/

So he doesnt even care about spending time with me. Is he being cold and distant to punish me? Or does he just not wanna see me incase I nag again?
Why cant someone care about me and want to see me as much as I want to see them :(

I think it's a definite cold shoulder. Telling you you are not that important to him.

I think it will be interesting to see his reaction if you text him saying not to bother next week and you'll see about the following weekend.

Of just dump him by phone.

Come on, OP, we've spent pages trying to tell you what a bad idea it is to continue a relationship with this guy. You have been thinking about ending it. And now you want to spend time with him, you want him to want to spend time with you? I'm sorry but you need to take a deep breath and a step back. You need to work on your own self esteem. And stop mooning over a guy who does not even begin to deserve it.

He might be "punishing" you for "nagging" him. In the sane, healthy world, you were being assertive, not nagging.

Do you have friends you could meet up with this weekend? If so I'm sure that would help you get some perspective and feel better about yourself.

He is teaching you a lesson for daring to ask him to call you by your real name.

He is now making you feel bad and insecure so you don't ever raise it again. It looks like it's working.

op life is too short and its full of men that are actually great, will pronounce their partners name correct and don't try and punish them for raising the fact that he is upsetting you.

SO you can either STFU and let him dictate what your new name is and any other thing he decides he wants to control OR you can tell him to jog on.

Can you just imagine him saying his wedding vows to you infront of a packed church saying your fucking name wrong because he refuses to put the effort in?

Wanker!