Boyfriend won't say my name

[YellowRose08]

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

so True thumbwitch

OP, can you Think of a quietly confident woman, somebody who is unapologetic about not tolerating a half hearted or disrespectful bf. A woman with strong boundaries! Can you think of somebody like that??!

A woman who you know would just walk away at the first sign of manipulation, and feel no regret, because she would know without a doubt that if she was going to share her life with somebody, he needed to deserve her company, value her company, respect her.....

Fake being her until it becomes real. That helped me make decisions which felt hard at the time but were definitely for the best.

I think people may be a bit over zealous with the 'OPs parents had an abusive relationship' line. It sounds like a relationship which had ups and downs, where some behaviours were less than respectful but not quite abusive, it also sounds like they worked on that and things improved. There's no mileage in therapising the OP and getting her to draw links between the past and present. She is 23, has wandered into the arms of a bad bloke for the first time and is utterly at a loss as to how and why this has happened. Bringing her childhood into it in a fairly armchair psychologist fashion is only going to upset her further and get her eye off the goal, which is to dump the bloke. OP you know you deserve better than this which is why your alarm bells went off, if you were damaged by an abusive parental model you would be staying with this dick and marrying him. Just walk away, at this point it is that simple.

ive been with dp for 23 years. You'd think he would have randomly spelt it right in that time, considering the amount of permutations i have received on card over the years. I don't have an unusual name. I am resigned to being a common hair pest every birthday and Christmas.

caveat- dp is dyslexic and often mis pronounces things too.

doesn't make him either thick or disrespectful

You need to get out of this relationship. You are not responsible for whether he hurts himself.
Do not stay with him. Please listen to all the advice on here.

Obviously nobody here can order you to leave a relationship, that has to be your choice, and if you're not ready of course you won't. But keep a weather eye open for further manipulation and don't let him cross further boundaries. I don't think he sounds like a "must run away quickly" (as long as you do all the driving!) but more of a "don't get in too deep". He does not sound like a long-term prospect for the reasons already given by rather a lot of posters, and he will mess with your head.

At 23 you still won't have had that much life experience, however intelligent and sensible you clearly are. What you're missing is not so much common sense as perspective. Every relationship is important and influential because you haven't had that many of them. (I hadn't had any at all at 23. Then XH came along. Enough said.) However, it's not a huge deal if one ends because another one is likely to be along any minute. Single women in their 20s generally have a lot of options. It seems a bit pointless clinging on to a difficult partner when there are so many other young men out there who would be more appreciative of your company and may even be able to pronounce your (pretty mainstream) name.

Thankyou so much everyone for the reponses.
I am reading every single one. It's just very overwhelming as I didn't expect these replies. Abusive is such a strong word and I'm finding it hard to see him like that.

My head is just a mess! I feel like I want to do a test or something to see if he really is like you are all saying.

He says, "I am trying." How hard is it, ffs?

I just feel really really sad. I really thought he was special and a good guy. He can be so lovely and thoughtful and sweet.
But I can't read him very well, and he is complicated and clearly has insecurity issues.

I know clam, I really don't understand how he gets tounge twisted?!?! It really is not a difficult name!

This is how you feel after a few months, the honeymoon period as you said.

"I feel like I want to do a test or something to see if he really is like you are all saying."

The thing is, we're not making it up - we're saying he's abusive based on what you've told us about his behaviour.

The only test would be to stay with him to wait and see whether he gets worse. Problem is, that's a very risky strategy, as he is very likely to get worse, and the longer you stay with him, the more he'll mess with your head and damage your self esteem. So the harder it will be to end it.

If you're not ready to completely end the relationship now, could you tell him you want a break? Some time and space apart while you think things through? (I have a feeling he'd react very badly to this, but it shouldn't stop you if that's what you need.)

I think the thing you're dealing with here is the disappointment that this relationship is not panning out as you thought it had potential to be. That's not uncommon, although it's harder in this case as you're in the early days and everything else still seems fine.

But, does he mispronounce anything else in life, or have similar difficulties in other areas? Or is it just this?

This is your test. It's already happening.

Stand your ground on this one issue. Expect him to get your name right now 100% of the time and correct him clearly, calmly, politely and publicly if he doesn't.

If he slips up and you correct him, his response should be an immediate and unqualified apology. If he brings his emotions into it to make you feel bad for saying anything, you will know that he doesn't give two hoots for your feelings. By pushing it this far he has waived his right to you being gentle and thoughtful about how you correct him.

He's already failed this test as far as most posters are concerned but he needs to fail it even more badly to convince you which is understandable. We haven't seen the good bits.

If he does surprise us all and make this change immediately and effectively, you'll be ready if this behaviour raises its head again over another issue.

The next time he makes you feel like this will be the time that you need to walk away or it will become a life sentence. It doesn't matter how small an issue it is about. You need to be equals in you relationship and currently you are absolutely not.

The day you feel that you could behave in the same way he behaves and receive the response from him that he gets from you is the day you have gained equality. Settle for nothing less.

AnotherEmma is right... generally this behaviour gets worse not better and it does build up.

a break is a good idea but like AnotherEmma said he probably won't react well to this.

Theoriginal if you read OP's OP and her subsequent posts you'll see there is a pattern and backstory behind the pronounciation (sp?) even if he DID have dyslexia that should not be an excuse to say her name wrong.

I think the word "abusive" is over used on MN. Here's the thing - he doesn't make you feel happy enough of the time. In fact, he often makes you feel frustrated and unhappy. And you've told him that. He doesn't care and he doesn't want to hear it. And he's angry with you for talking about having feelings that he doesn't like. You don't have to pronounce him an abuser if you don't want. Just recognise that he is not making you happy. You don''t have to twist your mind into not minding how he is. Or trying to justify it. Nor should you to be honest. Just own your feelings and believe that they matter and act accordingly. If the word "abusive" is making you close your ears, take the word out of the equation and just look at you and how his behaviour makes you feel.

also OP most sane people should be able to like Stropzilla and Aussie say pronounce names right, after a few times gently correcting.

I had this in school (not a hard name to pronounce but you can say it two ways and I say it the first way) - almost every teacher, friend, pupil said it right... the ones who didn't I just corrected them nicely. People from all over the world have made an effort, Chinese, African, European and my name is Russian/Polish...

read Thumbwitches post on page 16 again. I think personally a gap of not seeing or speaking to this man for eg this weekend would be good for you. You can even text him to this effect. That you want to think about things.

What Goldmandra said. This is the test.

If he says your perfectly normal name wrong again, immediately say "I have had enough of this nonsense. Our relationship is over. Goodbye." And walk out. No heartfelt long discussions, no weeping. Dignified, strong woman walks out with head held high then has a good cry for a week at home

Tbh I would text that now in response to his non apology.

Similarly if he tries to use pet names instead, honey etc. "Use my name please." If he kicks off or moans about how haaaard it is to say Tanya or whatever your name is then "I am not sticking around for more of your ridiculous nonsense...."

I really don't understand how he gets tounge twisted?!?! It really is not a difficult

He is not tongue twisted. Of course he isn't. He is playing a power game.

It is horrible when you think you have one thing, have little dreams about the future and then it turns out to be wrong. It is always hard to accept. The future with "nice" him would never happen because he isn't actually that person. Someone else out there can be that nice man though.

He's not tongue twisted - he's bi-lingual FFS or maybe tri-lingual.
Correcting the OP if she pronounces something incorrectly!
He knows exactly how to say it.

But OP. This is totally your call. You can maybe see how it goes for a week.
If he still doesn't get it right then you can take a break and see if that helps him understand?

Armchair psychology coming up from my own personal experience of being a child of a bad marriage. You see your mother mistreated by your father but not leave. You know it is wrong. You choose never to put up with it yourself. Problem is you have never seen how to not put up with it, how to nip it in the bud, how to grit your teeth and walk away. You probably saw minimisation, avoidance of conflict, no one standing up to anyone else in any meaningful manner.

Not putting up with crap is difficult. Walking away and leaving someone else to deal with their problems on their own is difficult.

When you throw away the wormy apple, you lose the nice bits of the apple too. You still chuck it though.

I had a genuine mental block with an asian name years ago. I mean, I really couldn't process a very, very straightforward simple name that shouldn't have caused me a second's hesitation.

My reaction - I was mortified, utterly mortified, I apologised repeatedly to the person and worked really hard to get it right. I owned it as my problem. I managed after a hard struggle to get it right because it was important A person's name is their identity. It is a definition of who they are. It is a really big deal.

I know the reaction on here is scary, but keep posting.

And there you are - reredos had a normal reaction to her inability to pronounce someone's name, she didn't minimise it and pretend it was that person's problem, she understood that it was important to pronounce it correctly, however difficult or not. This is the type of reaction your BF should be having, but he's not, he's blaming you for being over-sensitive about it and saying "he'll try" - except he doesn't.

Ketchup has explained far better what I was trying to say, because she has lived it, so she has first hand experience of the situation. Worth listening to.

Another thing that occurs to me after reading ketchups excellent post and something I have seen in two of my own friends in abusive relationships is that when you come from a background with abuse you look at your own situation and don't see it as abuse.
You compare it to what you witnessed growing up and it doesn't seem as bad. I mean one of my friends said at least he doesn't hit me because that is what she saw as abuse. She didn't see emotional abuse as the same and that was honestly the best thing she could say about her relationship.
He already has you worried about upsetting him. He already had you modifying your behaviour to avoid that upset. This is as good as it gets. I wish I'd realised that 13 years ago when I met ex Dp. I wish I'd had Mumsnet telling me that when someone tells you who they are listen to them.

I think we have all moved from from the detail of how he pronounces the OP's name.

The other red flags are positively scarlet.

Also, you don't have to run a test.
He is telling you how he is. Controlling. Do believe him.