Boyfriend won't say my name

[YellowRose08]

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

23. So young. You've probably never experienced anyone like this before. Well, now you have. You'll spot a bad 'un faster next time. You'll waste less time on them and find a good one sooner.

I've read the whole thread OP and I just want to say this:

You are 23 years old and you wasting your time with a manipulative tit who will not pronounce your name properly.

Dump him and move on. Relationships shouldn't be this hard. Truly.

YellowRose08 I think you're doing amazingly well. It took me years to understand what was going on. I also didn't like admitting there was anything wrong.

That you're questioning his actions and being frank about the relationship is very healthy, and could save you from a world of trouble.

YellowRose "I'm scared that he will harm himself if I do break things off or ask for space from him sad
I do try to see the good in people, and I suppose I want to see the good in him because of all his good qualities, and its not nice to think you have been stupid enough to be fooled"

I've only just seen this post, sorry. The harming himself thing is just blackmail. I suffer badly from depression and anxiety and I am not mean and dismissive to people because of it. Re trying to see the good in people, that's a tough one because I am naturally cynical, I have to see the good without trying. however, I think that is a quality that has served me very well indeed. And don't forget the old "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". I am not suggesting you feel ashamed! I am suggesting that giving someone the benefit of the doubt can only go so far.

Re your childhood, I wonder if your parents were controlling in subtle non abusive ways where subconsciously you behaved in a particular way to ensure you had their approval you may have a case of good girlitis so that your psyche is now not allowing you to accept what nearly 400 people have said. It's great that you're only 23 and have loads of time to meet a lovely man also thankful that mumsnet exists so that when this thread ends if you haven't managed to end the relationship all the things that people have said will be with you. Another thought, it might be worth you seeing a therapist for just a few sessions as a professionally be able to help you see this relationship for what it is

"I say value yourself. You deserve a good and peaceful and happy life.
If this man going to aid or hinder you in achieving that?"
Good advice from mantlepiece
And good point from another PP about flogging a dead horse... What makes you so reluctant to break up with him? What have you invested (emotionally) in this relationship that makes you ignore the red flags and tolerate his disrespectful, manipulative behaviour?

23...ah well, you should be congratulating yourself on recognising that there was something wrong - and you did definitely do that, as another poster said, your spider senses made you come on here for advice. So congratulate yourself for that.
I'm sure you're now having an objective look at the situation - you've got about 300 posts here, and I think you've been more than fair in how you've tried to present him and his issues, and yet not a single person has said they think he might be a poor misunderstood soul. So that's worth some attention. And personally I've been around the block so many times I've worn a groove in the pavement, and I'm sorry to tell you that from everything you've said this one sounds like a complete wrong 'un.
But you sound lovely, and perhaps that's why you've moved so many people to comment. I hope you work this out - I'm sure you will, and I'm sure you'll find someone as lovely as you deserve.

OP, there are soooo many red flags with this man. This is not a case of "give him the benefit of the doubt and a step back for a bit" (which seems to be your current plan), it's a crystal clear "run for the hills!"

Another big warning sign is the manipulation/testing you, and the impact this has already had on you, inhibiting you. you feel very uncomfortable when he does some outrageous things (3 examples: driving dangerously - and with you in the car; saying he is controlling; and that he might have harmed himself if he hadn't met you) but said nothing.

You cannot rescue him. So what if he's troubled or has problems and he's the most popular person around: he's also abusive. He is seriously bad news for you.

Hi Op. I just wanted to say that getting your name wrong is annoying, but if he had handed it right from the beginning, you wouldn't be here.

He should have been mortified, and tried very hard not to do it again. If I get a name wrong, I then invent a rhyme or sing to help me. Its not hard. He was dismissive of you.

Most recently, he has taken everyday nice things 'what about when I did this etc' and thrown then back at you. I do not understand why people do this. Nice gestures actions words help advice, anything good you might do are etc are not a form of currency to be bartered. What next? I have a sister who does this. I now would never ask her for anything ever because she would store it up and use it against me. You really don't want to live like that.

All he had to do was say 'It is wrong and I'm sorry' Has he ever said he is sorry?

I meant to say, about anything, ever?

I said 'does no worries mean I'm sorry?'
He replied 'I'm sorry I made you feel like that.'
I said 'Do you understand where I'm coming from?'
He said- "Yes. I was trying to say your name correctly- I get tongue tied. It wasn't meant to offend you. I wasn't trying to offend you. I understand why you could feel offended. I am trying."

I havent replied to that message. The name is annoying but it was his reaction yesterday that has hurt me. Which he hasnt seemed to recognise?

Regards to my childhood - no i was not abused, but my parents had a lot of arguments. My dad cheated on my mum and I often heard my dad calling my mum names and shouting at her, bossing her around ect.. a relationship I always said I never wanted to have when I was older.
Parents are still together and their relationship is a lot better but it was awful when I was younger. I know my dad loves me but we dont have a great relationship as I always felt protective over my mum

If any of that is of any relevance I don't know..

Yes it is relevant. Your dad was abusive towards your mum. So unfortunately you haven't had the best example of a healthy relationship. I'm glad it seems to be better now, but even so it will have had an impact on you.

'I'm sorry I made you feel like that'

That's not an apology. That's a passive aggressive facsimile of an apology used by people who aren't sorry at all. People don't come out with that by mistake either - it was deliberate, believe me.

The thing is OP, even if he says the "right thing" (whatever that is) now, it won't change the fact that he's a manipulative, abusive man with anger issues. So er... not boyfriend material!

It's good that you are more bothered by his reaction than by the name thing.

Your upbringing may have given you the belief that bad relationships should be worked at, not walked away from? You might also feel that you would be more comfortable ending it if he said it should be over.

"I'm sorry I made you feel like that" is not quite as bad as "I'm sorry you feel that way," which is a complete crock of shit. I mean at least he's acknowledging, albeit it reluctantly, that he made you feel bad. But even so, he's not doing very well here, is he?

People are right. Drop him.

At least he didn't say he didn't know what he was apologizing for.
The ...feel like that ...might be a bit of a dodge. It doesn't really acknowledge how or what you were feeling.
It feels all a bit hollow, though, doesn't it: when you have to drag it out of him like that?

The trouble with 'I'm sorry I made you feel like that.' Is that it says that the problem in this whole episode is your feelings, rather than his behaviour.

I can see why you're tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Good boyfriend material doesn't come along very often. For me the big problem would be the self loathing thing. You can't build a good relationship with someone who feels like this about themselves.

Yes it certainly does feel hollow. The "I am trying" don't keep saying that! Just get it right.
He hasn't acknowledged his reaction or explained why he got so defensive either. He could just say if he felt embarrassed.

What is wrong with me :( why do I still wanna be with him even though he cant even get my name right!! Why do I just want him to phone me and hear him say hes sorry and he didnt mean to act like that.

Why do I feel rejected and not good enough? :(

Like I say - good boyfriend material doesn't come along that often . But seriously - where I've met people I suspect of self harm or self loathing I do immediately think 'Ooh, not good boyfriend material'. I don't want to witness that sort of thing, makes me cringe.

The reason you are not 'good enough' for this person is because you expect your partner to treat you with respect. You expect them to listen to you, especially when what they are doing hurts you and does everything they can to rectify their behaviour.

You are not good enough because you expect an apology for their behaviour. You are not good enough because you refuse to be manipulated into allowing him to treat you badly.

For what it is worth I was told off by a teacher when I was 12 when I DARED to correct her on how to pronounce my name. I was so upset about that. I wasn't rude. It is commonly mispronounced, so I wasn't offended, but my name is who I am. The first thing I am known by. it is important toner it right.

I now a teacher myself. And I make sure I get it right and I tell my students that they must correct me if I get their names wrong. It is a matter of respect.

You feel those things because, partly, you are still young and you still think that it must be you. It isn't, honestly. It's him. It's ALL him. You cannot and must not start down the path of "if only I was xyz, he would love me and respect me and get it right" because that is what abusers want you to do. That is how they get control, by suggesting that if only you were different, they wouldn't be so mean to you. So you try and try, you change and change, and it's never good enough, ever. There will always be something else, some other reason why they are mean to you/hit you/cheat on you - and there is! It's THEM. That's the reason, the sole reason.

Remember that. Remember that you are worth being treated with respect. Remember that your parents' marriage model is not a good one. Your father cheating on your mother, yet them remaining married - it works for some, but your "learnt model" of a relationship is that your father was able to cheat and still stay married, therefore it's ok for him to treat your mother with lack of respect. Your learnt model is that it's ok for your father to shout at and belittle your mother. That doesn't mean that you want that for yourself, you've already said you recognise that it's bad and you want different; but still, those early learnings are programmed in and will affect your ability to recognise early signs of similar behaviour.

But something in you was clearly uncomfortable enough for you to ask for opinions - which you've been given in abundance - and all saying the same. Dump him, he's not worth it. YOU are, he is not.

Listen to thumb and aussie.

Why do I feel rejected and not good enough?
Because you have experienced him treating you well. You have experienced him treating other people very well. You'd assume you should get the respect that he's not giving you while appealing to your caring side.
This way he is saying he can treat you well, but that it depends on you. He can't change or he is doing his best but can't, supposedly. If only you didn't challenge him or make it difficult for him...

You are the only person you can change. And this change should be in not allowing this treatment to continue despite your feelings towards him. And you don't allow it by leaving him. You've tried the rest.