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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend won't say my name

999 replies

YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 11:07

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

OP posts:
Scoobydoo8 · 23/07/2015 17:32

buys the big issue, gives change to the homeless...

Yeah, but these are very 'easy' ways to be seen as kind and generous, they are also in public.

What does he do in private - sign up for lots of charities? help regularly in a volunteer role? I mean there's no shortage of needy causes that he could give up an evening a week or the odd Saturday?

My miserable, grumpy, selfish, alcoholic DF was the epitome of a kindly old gent when dealing with his Doctor or district nurse. He was a nasty git to us.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/07/2015 17:43

Please, please, please, return to the post by motherofallhangovers (Thu 23-Jul-15 00:35:57) and read and read and read it.

You say you can't see evidence of him controlling you, but:
"When he was crying he said that he if hadn't met me he probably would of harmed himself again."
And because he said that, you now think "I'm scared that he will harm himself if I do break things off or ask for space from him".
Would you care to explain to me how he has not controlled you here? He has made you feel responsible for him. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM. You have been going out with him for just a few months, and he's got you scared to break it off. That's a lot of control over your actions.

"I do try to see the good in people, and I suppose I want to see the good in him because of all his good qualities, and its not nice to think you have been stupid enough to be fooled"
Stupid people are probably harder to fool than sensible empathetic people. Stupid people don't respond to subtle nudges of their behaviour because they don't recognise the nudge. You are a nice normal person. Of course you were fooled. Do not let your embarrassment at not recognising manipulation first off affect what you do now. It doesn't mean you're stupid, it means you've not been with a manipulator before.

Please, just end the relationship, and don't look back. You don't owe him the rest of your life just because he knows how to use emotional blackmail.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/07/2015 17:45

Madge I think one person has said that and added that they were mortified by it. Unlike the OP's bf

Several hundred other people have said that the name thing is a symptom of a wider issue.

The issue has not been clouded at all

mantlepiece · 23/07/2015 17:52

My mantra to my single friends is.... What does he bring to the table?

Leaving aside all the nitty gritty of the story, when you bring a new person into your life be it friend or lover, they should enhance your life.

Why would you sabotage yourself by allowing negative experiences of any kind into your life if you didn't need to?

We get hit with a lot of unexpected difficulty in life like loss of loved ones, health crisis etc. without welcoming a burden in.

I say value yourself. You deserve a good and peaceful and happy life.
If this man going to aid or hinder you in achieving that?

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 23/07/2015 17:52

I have text him. (Yes I know shoot me but I just wanted to see what he would say)
Basically I've just said I wasnt happy with the discussion yesterday and asked him why he got so defensive about it. I said I didnt like bringing it up as its awkward and I don't want to have to say about it again, and does he understand now why the issue is upsetting for me?

OP posts:
KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 23/07/2015 17:54

The depressive episode and him saying about not being worthy wasn't brought up when I said about my name, that was brought up the night before.

The depressive episode stopped you from going to your work night out right?

Were you scared he would harm himself if you went out anyway?

Did his needs trump yours?

Did his need for nurture stop you doing something that was yours and where he would have been the junior partner?

What interesting timing of that episode...

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 23/07/2015 17:58

No it was his work do not mine. And we didnt go because we were running really late with cooking dinner for his parents. His mood was good at that point. I honestly don't know what triggered the episode, it was when we were in bed he suddenly just went really down

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowRose08 · 23/07/2015 17:59

He has replied to the text. :/
'No worries, hope work goes ok'

Is that it?

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 23/07/2015 18:06

He's still dismissing you.

This isn't an appropriate conversation to have by text.

If you really want to carry on with this, you need to be face to face with him and then ask him what 'no worries' means.

TBH I think you're flogging a dead horse. Anyone with half an ounce of decency would have apologised very sincerely by now and made a very clear undertaking to just get it right in future. He is still trying to disempower you by minimising the issue.

GoldfishCrackers · 23/07/2015 18:07

He's bloody ignoring the fact that he's upsetting you and pretending you've just apologised to him.

He knows this is a big thing to you, and a potential threat to his weekend hotel, but instead of acknowledging your upset and apologising to you and promising not to do it again, he's gas lighting you. He's working through his plays, so what's next? Maybe a profession of undying love and hints about a life together? Or more dark hints about doing away with himself? Or would he be an un unspeakable bastard and try to say he's good for your DD?

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 23/07/2015 18:17

Why can't he just apologise?! Wtf! Well his response is making me angry which is helping me to come to a decision i suppose!!

OP posts:
myluckystars · 23/07/2015 18:20

And your next txt dumps him as suggested above

BitOutOfPractice · 23/07/2015 18:23

He won't apologise because he doesn't think he's done anything wrong.

He thinks you've apologised to him

Joysmum · 23/07/2015 18:23

Well he's not apologized and texts aren't the best way of communicating. I guess if you're not going to get an apology and this isn't a deal breaker for you, all you can do is go forwards with your eyes open.

There are some worrying behaviors of his already so be sure to have your spidey senses on full alert and use the next time as your LTB prompt as my guess is it won't end here.

queenoftheknight · 23/07/2015 18:25

He is in control, which is what he believes he deserves to be.

They tell you how you feel, and then that it's wrong, they tell you who you are, and that who you are is invariably wrong too.

You cannot make this better. Only specialist help for him can do that, and the chances of him ever seeking that out are almost zero. And HE must seek it, alone, because he realises that he has major issues.

The only thing that you can do is find out why you are tolerating this. Why you are buying into his myth of superiority. You know, in your gut, that this is what is happening. Bring it into consciousness and start putting yourself FIRST.

You are not doing him any favours you know, letting him get away with this behaviour.

Get some boundaries in place...you are not his mother, his guardian angel, his therapist, or his nursemaid. He is a grown up...let him learn. Or not.

And likewise, look after YOU!

FenellaFellorick · 23/07/2015 18:29

Sounds to me like he has twisted your text in his mind into an apology. And a promise from you to not mention it again!!

Look. Its your life and your choice. Youre a grown up . If you choose this, only you suffer.

The truth of it is that nobody here will be affected at all if you sign up to a lifetime with him or if you dump him forever in the next ten minutes.
so whatever we are saying, its because we really want to help you.

sesamechoc · 23/07/2015 18:30

Hi op
Have read all 15 pages and I wonder if you could tell us how old you are and a little bit about your childhood because I think you are finding it very difficult to end this relationship and although you are coming across as a very intelligent and empathic person, I can't help wondering why you still think you can turn this into a healthy relationship....

Goldmandra · 23/07/2015 18:36

Why can't he just apologise?

That would admitting that his actions were wrong and taking responsibility for his future behaviour. He doesn't want to be responsible for anything. He wants to do the things that make him feel good, live in his fantasy relationship where you like what he wants you to like and make you responsible for keeping him happy at the expense of your own basic needs.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 23/07/2015 18:40

I am 23. What do you want to know about my childhood?

OP posts:
KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 23/07/2015 18:40

He is pretending you apologised to him. Ha ha ha ha twat.

If you really really want to see his true colours text "No worries! No chance. Why haven't you apologised yet?"

pictish · 23/07/2015 18:42

I agree that he is persisting in dismissing you over the name issue. I also agree that he has read your text as an apology from you for bringing it up.
He assumes righteousness because that's how he sees himself.

Also, when he said "if I hadn't met you I'd probably have hurt myself again" he is proving himself to be an utter headfuck of the highest order. It's absolutely as you said - he wants you to feel responsible for his emotional wellbeing, so he can trap you in the relationship and manipulate you into putting up with his self absorbed, disrespectful shit.
Fuck that.

Like another poster said, in the long run it's no skin off my nose if you sign up to a life of playing nursemaid and therapist to the dick, but seeing as we're here discusiing it now, I'd really rather you didn't. You've asked what we think and we've told you. What you choose to do with it is up to you.
Hope you take the advice offered here and put it to good use.

Hissy · 23/07/2015 18:45

I agree, ask him if that is how I'm sorry is spelled in his world?

You are wasting your time with someone who is displaying several red flag/abuser tendencies. You are 23.

You don't need this.

Just end it. Please?

The longer you are subjected to this poisonous prick,mother more damage will be done to your self esteem.

No one, not a living breathing soul is EVER worth that.

Hissy · 23/07/2015 18:47

Rogue mother in there...

achieve15 · 23/07/2015 18:49

YellowRose, this is a load of rubbish from him. You should be enjoying your life, not wasting time on this guy. I'd honestly dump him.

Slightly confused why you were making dinner for his folks, even jointly. sounds like something that might happen later in a relationship, not earlier. Were you helping him out with something?

Also, you say you have no idea what happened before he went all depressed on that evening. I have a feeling you said something totally innocent which he would have seen as a sign of you asserting yourself. Does that sound likely?

Stropzilla · 23/07/2015 18:50

I have an unusual name most people haven't ever come across. People really struggle with it the first time, and the second time too sometimes! However, everyone in my life now has a 100% successful pronunciation rate after I've gently corrected them. Not all of them can spell it however. It really is a matter of respect. I'm sorry but if people can manage mine, he can manage yours and is just being a controlling twat. He's being childish and just because he's nice the rest of the time doesn't mean anything. If his response to a basic request is anger, and he's admitted to being controlling and selfish he's told you all you need to know about him. You now can't blame him (in his eyes) if he goes ahead and acts selfishly. After all, he's TOLD you. It may be a simple thing, but if he can't manage a simple thing how will he deal with the larger thing in years to come? The answer is, he won't. Not without anger and you'll never get an apology which may not seem much now but refusing to take responsibility for your own actions will grate on you.

Good luck with whatever you decide! My husband had to relearn how to spell my name after years of spelling it wrong and I'd never told him. It took him 1 try. This is not hard, honestly.