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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend won't say my name

999 replies

YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 11:07

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 23/07/2015 12:22

OK, people (including me) could have been extrapolating unfairly about the name thing (although I don't think so). However, after about ten pages of you saying he doesn't do anything else wrong at all, first the "I used to harm myself and I'd do it again if I didn't have you" (paraphrasing) emotional manipulation is mentioned and a couple of pages after that it comes out about the road rage. You didn't even see these as a problem when they are, in fact, massive. If you had started a thread about your lovely respectful boyfriend except for this little issue when he's driving, or walking along the pavement if there's a car on it (!), you would get even more replies saying "run away, run away". If you started a thread about your lovely respectful boyfriend who sometimes gets these black moods where he talks about self harming and how he is useless at everything, you'd probably have more replies that were sympathetic to his issues, but most would still advise you to walk away at this point. You are not his therapist, and if you were you would not be allowed to date him.

etKrusTe · 23/07/2015 12:27

You don't need to apply for the right to leave him, ykwim, reasons and arguments etc.... not necessary. If you don't feel like you're walking on air then he's not making you feel good about yourself.
That alone is a good reason to end things. Don't oer analyse things (if it clouds the issue, and often I think it does because women feel they need a reason, which if put before a jury, would give them permission to walk away). They feel they need a reason that would stand up to cross-examination. They feel there can be no 'dirt' on them if they have the NERVE to want to walk away.

But you can end a relationship for the very simple reason that it doesn't make you feel better, doesn't make you feel happier.

My x showed a lot of these early warning signs too. His poor childhood blah blah (wasn't so bad imo) and he made it my responsibility to prove to him that not all women were bad Confused he also had a short temper and was an asshole behind the wheel.

lemonstartree · 23/07/2015 12:34

I wouldn't start saying Garridge for any one

Nor would I in normal conversation but for someone's NAME I would pronounce it how they told me it was pronounced ...

I don't call women with the name Siobhan, See-ob-hann !!! (although this is how it LOOKS to my ignorant English eye) No I pronounce their NAME Shi - vawn.... because this is how it is said ....

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/07/2015 12:36

One of the guidelines for whether or not he's a good man is how does he treat people who serve him - waiting staff, shop assistants, bank tellers - is he polite and respectful to them, or does he talk down to them and treat them as his inferiors?

Mind you, he may still treat them politely and continue to disrespect you and your feelings, so it's not a cast-iron guideline - but if he does treat people as his inferiors, then it's another red flag to add to the pile.

MilkThistle187 · 23/07/2015 12:38

I have read the whole thread and you have been given some great advice.

Put yourself first, this man is not good for you and if you stay with him you are setting yourself up for years of stress, worry and upset. You don't deserve that. You deserve much better, you know that.

Don't stay with him because you feel sorry for him, you are the one that will suffer most in the end. Don't let him manipulate you. End it now, the longer you stay the worse it will get.

The best advice I have ever got from MN: when people tell you who they are, listen. This guy is telling you that he is bad news.

GoldfishCrackers · 23/07/2015 12:54

when I think of someone being controlling or emotionally abusive, I think of things like controlling what you wear, who you speak to, checking your phone, calling you names, criticising appearance ect.
Controlling people don't start off like that, or else none of us would have got into relationships with them. They start off small, and gradually creep over your boundaries (like the name thing), making it feel like it's your problem. Throw in some other factors like veiled threats to harm himself when he senses you're wavering (he's bright enough not to make it too obvious) and the fact that when you got together you were possibly a bit vulnerable. Then they increase it. Then once you're nice and confused and your self esteem is worn down, they can start on the really big stuff.
You're doing very well indeed; you are absolutely not stupid: you've not known him long but already your spider senses are tingling, you've noticed that you're not comfortable with his behaviour. Your self-esteem is intact enough for you to end this.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 23/07/2015 13:02

He is lovely and polite to waitresses, shop workers ect... buys the big issue, gives change to the homeless...

OP posts:
motherofallhangovers · 23/07/2015 13:13

My psycho ex was too. He was very nice to me too, at first anyway.

FenellaFellorick · 23/07/2015 13:14

Being polite to people is not unusual or exceptional. It's a basic requirement for entry to the human race.
Giving a quid here and there is something most people do.

CharlotteCollins · 23/07/2015 13:18

I know that is in response to a question from a PP, but honestly, big deal!

Nobody is 100% awful. You will find good things in everybody and, as has been said earlier, controlling and entitled men are much liked by the outside world.

Don't worry about how to say what you want to say. When faced with controlling idiots like this, it's easy to believe that you need the right words to get through to him.

The text idea above is great if you're not sure what to say. He won't necessarily listen, though. He almost certainly will be quite dismissive. He may just ignore it altogether.

He will not respect your decision if you want to end it, so you need to be certain that is what you want to do. And then be that strong woman: block him and move on with your life.

Oh, and if he tries to harm himself, isn't it reassuring to know that he is close to his mother and sister and they can support him? (But if he tells you he is going to kill himself, call him an ambulance.)

angstyaunty · 23/07/2015 13:21

Sure, he's a peach to all (except 'cunts' on the road). He just finds it too challenging to say your name correctly, and throws a tantrum when you protest. Although I see he's addressing you as 'Honey', so problem solved!

A peach, as I said.

Ahemily · 23/07/2015 13:23

Seriously beginning to wonder it's my ex - the similarities are uncanny! Men like this are almost always charming. That's precisely why they get away with it.

angstyaunty · 23/07/2015 13:25

My post reads much harsher than intended, I'm just appalled at his behaviour. Take care, OP.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/07/2015 13:55

Read themotherofallhangover's post again. Especially the para that starts "this is what control looks like". Because she has it nailed. She describes perfectly how he is already controlling you. T

sticklebrickstickle · 23/07/2015 14:36

I used to have this problem with a friend. Her name was Lucy but for some reason I just kept calling her Amy. I KNEW her name was Lucy but unless I was really concentrating I would always refer to her as Amy.

Went on for weeks and then I started to second-guess myself so I'd actually go to say Lucy and then think no, I must be wrong, and say Amy!

I really didn't want to be getting her name wrong, I don't consider myself a disrespectful person but the wrong name would just slip out. I didn't always notice I was even doing it! Was frustrating for me and for her although I did eventually manage to get it right! Thankfully she realised I wasn't getting it wrong intentionally and patiently put up with whatever was happening in my brain to stop me being able to just call her by her name. Years later we're still friends and I do now call her Lucy! But it took months for me to get it right.

toffeeboffin · 23/07/2015 14:47

This is unacceptable. I feel your pain, OP.

I've been married to DH for 6 years and my brother still cannot spell his name. Fair enough, it's French, but it's only seven freaking letters. Seven.
Don't even get me started on his family name! (again, only seven letters)

Lemonylemon · 23/07/2015 15:28

sticklebrickstickle - I'm sure you weren't rude to your friend though :)

Lweji · 23/07/2015 16:34

sticklebrickstickle

And I'm sure she realised how upset you were at getting it wrong.

Sometimes I'm similar in that I think someone looks like a different name to theirs and have great difficulty in getting it right.

Lweji · 23/07/2015 16:36

buys the big issue, gives change to the homeless...

On itself, it could mean he has a big heart, or that he feels superior to them when offering his money. It could be a way of building up his self esteem instead of genuine concern.
These things need to be analysed in context with general behaviour.

Lweji · 23/07/2015 16:38

I should have said that wasn't a fair responsibility to put on someone.

You are very right on this.

BrixtonQueen · 23/07/2015 16:42

The nastiest most abusive person I have ever met would always be charming and sweetness to waitresses and people in shops, and random people met along the way. I eventually realised he used this charm as a way of bolstering his 'great guy' image in his own eyes, it is an easy investment, charming someone you meet in these random circumstances. It was a way of writing his image, look at me, great guy. It is very easy and surface manipulation. His road rage, however, was off the scale, once 'hidden' in his car or at home, he is a monster. But course, he drip fed into that role too.

MadgeMak · 23/07/2015 16:50

All these stories from other posters about how they find some names hard to pronounce no matter how hard they try, or mental blocks they have for a certain person's name etc. are clouding the issue tbh. It's not the fact that he is getting the OP's name wrong that's the real issue, it's his reaction to her telling him it bothers her that's the main issue.

myluckystars · 23/07/2015 16:55

He might harm himself and if he does that will be his choice. I would advise finishing with him by txt, a simple you feel this is not working out for you and you wish him the best. He will hound you. You must reply the same thing 3 times. He will continue to hound you and you need to then tell him you no longer wish to discuss. He will carry on hounding you at which point you need to txt him that he is harrassing you and if it continues you will contact police. Never have another conversation with him again, never arrange to meet him again and why do it all by txt? So you have evidence. He is abusive and you need to cut ties immediately.

CainInThePunting · 23/07/2015 17:02

Are you for real OP?

Add message | Report | Message poster YellowRose08 Thu 23-Jul-15 13:02:36
He is lovely and polite to waitresses, shop workers ect... buys the big issue, gives change to the homeless...

Guy refuses to say your name right but it's ok because he is nice to waitresses?

Seriously??

CharlotteCollins · 23/07/2015 17:14

Hmm Cain

It's quite normal to be confused when confronted by two conflicting characteristics of somebody you love.