Boyfriend won't say my name

[YellowRose08]

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

OP I am a bit concerned by your inability to recognise all the red flags. The anger issues are particularly worrying. Plus the name issue and most importantly his reaction when you discuss it with him. Plus TELLING you he is selfish and controlling! Plus objectifying women (just because he respects his mum and sister doesn't mean he respects other women).

My advice would be to do some soul-searching and work on your self esteem. We can tell you until we're blue in the face (we're on page 12 of this thread now!) but you need to come to your own conclusion that you deserve better than this awful man.

Make that page 13!!

I'm scared that he will harm himself if I do break things off or ask for space from him :(

I do try to see the good in people, and I suppose I want to see the good in him because of all his good qualities, and its not nice to think you have been stupid enough to be fooled :(

What's the best way to go about seeing if he has actually taken notice and will say my name right? Or the best way of saying I need time alone?

"But I feel bad just giving up someone because they have mental health condition??"

You can't save him. You might not think that's what you're about, but really, that's what you're saying - that by staying with him it might help him somehow - it won't, it will just destroy you.

Have you read the thread on here? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a2430259-To-be-totally-selfish-for-a-moment-and-complain-about-how-exhausting-and-sad-it-is-to-live-with-someone-suffering-with-depression Might be a good idea if you are even considering staying with this bloke.

And yes, I agree it's all about him. Your feelings were basically ignored, brushed under the carpet, totally irrelevant to him. And you know what, my husband does that to me quite often and it's making me increasingly resentful of him (admittedly we've been together 12 years) and really hurting our marriage, not that he'll admit it because my feelings aren't relevant, remember?

You don't want to be in that position. Ever. So get shot of him while it's still easy.

OP his is what a nice, ordinary person would say if you pointed out the name thing:

"Oh heck, I'm so sorry. I seem to have a mental block about it. I'm so embarrassed and sorry I upset you. I will do my damnedest to make sure I get it right because I love you. If I get it wrong again, feel free to attack me with a wet fish."

Followed by a kiss

Compare that to his reaction and his subsequent determination to pretend nothing happened.

That's before I even start on the other bits of horror you've told us about.

You've known this man a matter of weeks. He really isn't worth any more of your time so cut your losses now

There are loads of lovely kind and respectful men out there. Don't settle for this arse because your ex made you doubt yourself

If he made that choice, it is not your responsibility.

Tbh thats straight out of abuser 101 ... i'll kill myself if you leave..

The best way to tell him is to tell him.

A normal person will accept that.

Exactly, if I was getting your name wrong I would be mortified and feel like a right prat and apologise profusely and not do it again! Not all this defensive, arguing, soul searching, hand wringing that has you worried he might harm himself. You are being manipulated and look how out of proportion this is, this episode has been triggered by a reasonable request. Look into the future, everyone has problem, real life difficult problems, how will he react to this? I know you want to see the good in him, but that is not working here. What good is there in his reactions?

"its not nice to think you have been stupid enough to be fooled"

You are not stupid! You are a trusting person who wants to see the good in people.

The only (potentially) stupid thing would be to stay with him now you've realised that he's abusive and this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Threatening suicide if you break up is a classic manipulative tactic. Even if he doesn't explicit make the threat - but plants the seed in your mind that he'd do it and it would be "your fault" - it's still manipulation. If you think there's a real risk he would do this, you could warn his mum or sister. They're his family and it's their responsibility not yours.

I'm scared that he will harm himself if I do break things off or ask for space from him sad

That's a fucking awful position to be in, and I am furious with him for letting you feel like that. You are not responsible for anyone harming themselves ever (unless it's you), and it's so manipulative of him to put you in that position!

I am spitting about this for two reasons - one is that my abusive ex took an "overdose" when we broke up. I use the inverted commas because he says he took a few more tablets than he should have at a time he'd arranged for someone to come round to see him - it wasn't a true suicide attempt, it was an attempt to manipulate. The other is I have significant MH problems and have for eons. I have, at times, self harmed or been suicidal. I have never, ever blamed anyone else for them or made anyone else feel responsible for those feelings and the only time I've spoken to DH about them is to ask him to help me. I had these MH problems from my early teens and have never used them as a weapon against people. It makes me super very cross that anyone would. Manipulative cunt.

Hello YellowRose - I really don't have anything major to add as I am not as good as other posters at recognising potentially damaging relationships.

However, I did want to share a bit of information about my DS. He has verbal dyspraxia and can now talk fairly well. There are some words though that he just can't process well and come out muddled up, even if he can say them correctly when he really concentrates (in speech therapy etc.) My MIL is the same with some words. I only mention this to add a little caution to those that think it is "easy" to get a name right. I should imagine that my DS will still struggle with the odd words when he is older but his disorder will be less obvious (I hope so anyway).

This may all be completely irrelevant to your situation but felt I needed to share. Good luck, you sound lovely.

(Well actually, it's his responsibility and no-one else's, but if he needs support that's where he should be getting it.)

Oh op. He won't harm himself. He is not your project. He will drag you down with him.

How to tell him? A text that says "I'm sorry to say but our relationship is not working for me any more and so it is over. Please do not contact me as I have nothing further to say to you. I wish you all the best "

That's it. Done. It isn't really even a relationship it's been so short.

I'm scared that he will harm himself if I do break things off

Apart from anything else! this is a good reason to leave.

Why are you scared that he will harm himself, has he told you as much? If so then run for the hills as fast as you can, because it's a MASSIVE red flag.

You can't save him.
It's not your fault

All you can do is save yourself.

I’ve been very touched by reading your posts OP so I wanted to add something, because I know it’s probably all a bit overwhelming when only a few days ago you genuinely thought you were in a ‘good enough’ relationship with someone who just wouldn’t say your name properly, and now here you are with most of Mumsnet telling you that you’re in a potentially abusive relationship and you should run for your life. It must be very hard to hear.
But you’re getting some good advice here and I really hope the pain and suffering that some of the women here have been through in their previous relationships (myself included) could save you from going through similar pain and suffering yourself. Not least because it can take years to recover from such a relationship, if you ever do. I wonder if it would help to consider if you’re prepared to take such a huge risk for this man, for this relationship? Even when it’s at its best, is it really that good? I suspect not, and that’s leaving aside all the really troubling behaviour he’s already displaying.

In the end, the best relationship advice I would give you is as old as the hills: that when you are eventually in a good relationship, you’ll know it because he’ll be nice to you, and you certainly won’t feel the need to seek advice from Mumsnet (or your friends or anyone else) about the things he does that make you feel bad, or to overlook or justify his bad behaviour, terrible temper, or whatever. Truly good relationships tend not to be worthy of much discussion, they just rumble along. And the longer you are with this man, the longer it will take you to find that good relationship.
I really do wish you luck.

Ive read this whole thread and all the PP advice seems to be spot on. Im desperate to know your name as Im a nosey cow, but also as I have a name that often gets mis spelled/pronounced, but really shouldnt.

I think you need to have a total rethink on this relationship yellowrose and take notice of his lack of respect, not just toward you but the road rage, vitriol etc.

Shewhomustbe - I am crying now at your post :( you are right. This is all really overwhelming. I was not expecting these responses at all, I just thought people would think he was a bit of a prat getting my name wrong! Not telling me I am in danger. These replies have really scared me :(

Regarding harming himself - When he was crying he said that he if hadn't met me he probably would of harmed himself again. I didn't know what to reply to that. I should have said that wasn't a fair responsibility to put on someone.

OP - he won't harm himself - people who say this generally use this as emotional blackmail but never or rarely follow this through.

and even if he did harm himself - it is not your fault, remember that!

I hope you realise what's the right thing for yourself to do yellow.
This man is toxic.

People who harm themselves don't use it as a sword of Damocles.

OP - when I was with my abusive ex the few good points about him (because I could be a stroppy moody cow too!) were:-

1. he listened to me and supported me re PMT
2. he was kind to me and very thoughtful - drove for about 2 hours every weekend to stay with me.
3. He was respectful and kind to his and my family and friends.
4. he did try to become better after arguments.
5. we generally 'got on' day to day (apart from the arguments)

he certainly wasn't:-

1. self pitying
2. prone to rage at others (though to me but we fought 'like kids'
3. disrespectful (though this came a bit later but not much)

he did think about his behaviour and its affects on me - we generally didn't get on though and I was, I admit quite spoiled and immature at 29 re being in a relationship.

Your boyfriend it really isn't looking good.

"When he was crying he said that he if hadn't met me he probably would of harmed himself again"

This is what control looks like. It's working too as you are already modifying your behaviour (not feelimg you can leave him or asking for space) because you are concerned what he'll do.

This is what the rest of a relationship looks like with this man. You increasingly compromising yourself and putting his feelings first, doubting yourself and feeling like you are going crazy, worried that he'll top himself if you show him the door.

It's no life believe me.

This relationship is a rising balloon. Jump off now and sure it'll hurt a bit. But the longer you leave it the harder it'll be to get out. The balloon is going to keep going up. He will get worse, much worse, i'd bet good money on it.

I have followed this post out of curiosity to if he had ever actually got it right. Which clearly he hasn't yet! Jeeez!
After reading every post, I have to say SheWhoMustBe really has given the best advice on here, and it's so true. I really think you should take this ladies advice on board and really think about what you want.

What's the best way to go about seeing if he has actually taken notice and will say my name right?

See if he says your name correctly.

Or the best way of saying I need time alone?

Tell him you need time alone.

Regarding harming himself - When he was crying he said that he if hadn't met me he probably would of harmed himself again.

This is emotional blackmail.

I didn't know what to reply to that. I should have said that wasn't a fair responsibility to put on someone.

Maybe you should, but men like this tend to be quite dangerous if roused, so it was probably safer to have said nothing.

Honestly, lovely, this man is a walking red flag. You deserve so much better than this in your life. If he harms himself, it won't be because you've left, it will be because his toy has been taken away from him.

Take loads of care.

a giver and a taker often go together. You give, he takes. It functions only in the sense that he feels comfortable taking and you feel comfortable giving. It's not functioning as in happy.