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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend won't say my name

999 replies

YellowRose08 · 21/07/2015 11:07

Very random annoyance... might seem minor to a lot of peoples problems on here but it is driving me round the bend!!

I'm in a new relationship of a few months, lovely guy, honeymoon phase, very happy ect..
However, he continues to mispronounce my first name even after I have told him and corrected him multiple times. When I first told him, he was apologetic, said he hadn't realised and he would try and get it right. However, he is still saying it wrong all the time, he's getting defensive now and saying that his way is easier for him to say and that I will 'have to accept that he cannot say it'.
I would accept it if he had a genuine speech impediment(he doesnt) and he can say it right because I've heard him! I think he's just got into the habit of saying it wrong and can't get used to the different way.
It's really getting me down though. It makes me cringe everytime he says my name. My friends give me awkward looks when they hear him say it wrong and he's introducing me to his friends with the wrong name!!
I've told him several times how annoying it is but he doesnt seem to be listening??
Am I overreacting to think it is very disrespectful?? I feel like he can't be bothered to get it right- why should I be with someone who can't make the effort to get my name right?!?!

What should I say to him?? I feel like I will explode if he says it wrong again!

Note - my name is not difficult. Its an English name, there are 2 different pronounciations and ive had it said wrong by 50% of people I meet, but its very easy to say!!

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/07/2015 08:04

Fully agree with et.

There are plenty of insecure extroverts. Who need validation from the people around them.

Your strength is recognising that you deserve to be treated with respect and to walk away when that respect is denied more than once.

Scoobydoo8 · 23/07/2015 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cabrinha · 23/07/2015 08:20

Please tell me "I made a move on him" because the atmosphere doesn't mean that you rewarded his utter dismissal of you with SEX? Confused

Or even affection.

Please please please tell me I've misunderstood that Sad

He closes his eyes on you mid conversation, and you reward that by offering him sex? Please god no.

CantAffordtoLive · 23/07/2015 08:20

My EX was like that. He actually never called me by my name. If I was upstairs he would whistle or shout something to get my attention, but never my name.

Notice he is my EX. He was very abusive and manipulative, oh and charming.

End it. This will only get worse.

Ahemily · 23/07/2015 08:23

My ex refused to call me by my name. He just called me "bird". He was an abusive arsehole and my life started when I left him.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 23/07/2015 08:55

No I didn't offer him sex!! I meant 'I made a move' as in I left the house! Haha.

No I am not making this up :/

I am reading and taking everyone's comments on board. Thankyou so much everyone.

I suppose it is just hard for me to get my head around because when I think of someone being controlling or emotionally abusive, I think of things like controlling what you wear, who you speak to, checking your phone, calling you names, criticising appearance ect.
Obviously I am niave and obviously there are more subtle ways to exert control.

I just feel confused :( without this name issue, there hasn't been anything else thats really caused a problem.

OP posts:
rumred · 23/07/2015 08:58

Then talk to him. Impossible for us lot to judge if he's a tosser or not. Only you can work that out

User543212345 · 23/07/2015 09:06

Have you read this OP? It's a really insightful article on some of the behaviours manipulative men exhibit. I wish I'd read it before I embarked on ten years of relationships with abusive men.

SuperFlyHigh · 23/07/2015 09:25

OP - there are other issues really but you're ignoring them - when you mentioned the name issue then he tells you he's depressed, he's not worthy of you etc. He didn't need to put these things on you. OK you can support him with regard to that but no need for him to possibly insinuate that your bringing up of the name problem is bringing back past issues for him re insecurity, depression etc. He is turning the problem back onto you.

what Lweji says is true to insecure extroverts.

Oh and the man I was seeing he liked a 'strong woman with her own POV but also liked to be able to control me too' - this is what your man is doing. My ex also tried this rubbish with me 3 or so months in like yours is doing. You either put your foot down sharpish, go to therapy etc TOGETHER if you REALLY like this man and want him to improve or you wait for the short drip drip of it becoming worse.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 23/07/2015 09:36

The depressive episode and him saying about not being worthy wasn't brought up when I said about my name, that was brought up the night before.

Thanks for that link SwearyGodMother - theres only one that really resonates and thats the short tempered one

OP posts:
motherofallhangovers · 23/07/2015 09:43

In what way is he short tempered?

User543212345 · 23/07/2015 09:43

Keep an eye out for any of the others to crop up, YellowRose. My first abuser was a rough play type to start with, and the others crept in over the years. I finally left when he hit me in anger instead of an inanimate object.

I know you want to see the good in him, and that speaks volumes about you in a good way, and it is possible that we're all wrong from the snapshot you have given us (though you did say your friends aren't keen either). Just keep yourself safe, especially emotionally as those scars take years and years to heal, and don't let yourself become someone you aren't for the sake of this or any man.

Incidentally how did you react to him saying (and I am paraphrasing) that it's ok for him to get your name wrong because he cooks you dinner? It's bonkers isn't it? And by extension what else will it/is it ok to do to another person because you've cooked for them? Could I smack my twat of a BIL in the face, but it's ok because I had them round for supper first?

Lancelottie · 23/07/2015 09:45

He was saying horrible things about himself, he's a failure, he doesn't succeed in anything, that he doesn't know why I'm with him, and he was crying.

Hmm.

YellowRose, my son has mental health issues and would come out with that sort of thing. I've been known to respond with, 'And what does any of that have to do with dodging the washing up?'

(I also sit in his room till all hours listening/go to appointments if he wants/help advocate for his education... I'm not a complete cow. And I will never give up on him because of his issues.

The difference is that I'm his parent. It's my job. I wouldn't recommend it to a would-be lover.)

MadgeMak · 23/07/2015 09:58

From what the OP has said, I recognise more than one trait from SwearyGodMother's link. Sorry, I think you're in denial.

Original poster
YellowRose08 · 23/07/2015 10:02

He has just text me saying 'good morning honey, hope you slept well'

No my friends all like him- they knew him before I did infact and my best friend in particular said hes a gentleman, really good manners, polite ect... But they have noticed he says my name wrong and know how much I hate it so they feel awkward when they hear it. They like him otherwise.
I haven't told them about his reaction though when I've corrected him.

When he said about cooking me dinner, I just said what has that got to do with anything? I don't think he had a response to that.

Short tempered - He is short tempered in that he gets road rage. He drove really fast and overtook someone yesterday because they were being a c* apparently.
He gets random angry moments. E.g. there was a car parked on side of the pavement, he was saying how it wasnt fair to pedestrians to walk on the road, how he wanted to pour his drink over the car... and just small things like that make him quite angry.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 23/07/2015 10:13

That is a red flag too. PPs have pointed out other ones to do with his reactions when you've pulled him up on the incorrect name one.

motherofallhangovers · 23/07/2015 10:15

Yellowrose what will it take for you to protect yourself?

When you brought up the name thing, did he deal with it in a constructive way? No he did not. Why would you want to be with someone so dismissive of your feelings?

I know when I started seeing my ex, I didn't want to see the bad signs for what they were. I had no experience of abusive people and no idea how twisted other people can be, nor any clue how much they could damage me.

Do I really need to point out that the short temper is a red flag too?

This relationship is potentially very, very damaging to you.

pictish · 23/07/2015 10:19

Like I said. Run.

FenellaFellorick · 23/07/2015 10:22

I don't mean this in a nasty way - but nobody needs to be with someone so badly that they accept them doing things that they are unhappy with. That's not good for you, it really isn't and it would be so good for you if you could get to a place where you felt you were worth more than a man at any cost so to speak and only bothered with men who were actually worthy of you.

I am honestly not having a go, I have a huge amount of sympathy for you, but the person you have described is not a nice person and I am at a loss as to why you need to keep him.

Why are you tying yourself in knots trying to justify his behaviour, excuse his behaviour and find ways to accept it or minimise it?

There are so many things you have described that actually indicate a fairly unpleasant person. I mean - he flat out told you he's selfish and likes to be in control! What do you think this name war is?

you have to accept it. You're making him feel bad. Shut up about it. Let him rename you and don't complain. Shut up he's going to sleep now conversation over because he says it is.

And the anger appears to be escalating. First he apologises but keeps on doing it. Then he is exasperated with you for keep bugging him about it. Then he's irritated and you should accept he doesn't want to bother. Then he's angry with you and it's your fault and you're making him feel bad.

What's next?

Regarding your statement about how great other people think he is - you would be staggered to learn how many truly awful and how many actually abusive men appear wonderful to outsiders. They have a marvellous front. To the point that when their partner tries to disclose the treatment of them - people don't accept it's happening because he's SUCH a great guy!

They cultivate that image for that purpose.

I am not saying at all that that has to be who he is or how he is, I am just saying don't let how outsiders perceive him be a contributing factor to any decision you make. Base your decisions only on how he treats you.

And don't be someone who says oh, he is so nice and thoughtful and he's great most of the time. When he's not being horrible he's LOVELY. That's just such a sad way to live. Hanging onto those times when someone is not a dick.

pictish · 23/07/2015 10:23

Self pitying
Road rage
Random outbursts of vitriol and anger
Argumentative
Disrespectful
Emotionally unstable
Manipulative
Thinks cooking you dinner buys him being-a-prick tokens
Refuses to pronounce your name correctly, attacks you for asking him to

Have a left anything out regarding this treasure of a soul?

queenoftheknight · 23/07/2015 10:26

One of the threads that run through abusers like letters in a stick of rock, is the sense of entitlement. They have a core belief that they are entitled to behave however they like, regardless of the effect on others.

He believes he has superior entitlement to the roads for example. That is so common. You can spot them a mile off. They have a need to "win", to get one over on others.

Getting your name wrong is him getting one over on you. It fills the void for him, he feels momentarily "superior".

He needs help. you need out.

Ahemily · 23/07/2015 10:26

Yellow, it's your life and your decision, but I just wanted to chime in here and say that so much of what you're saying is familiar. If I'd known then what I know now, I'd never have stayed with my abusive ex. It's a cliché I know, but this sort of behaviour only tends to get worse as you become more dependent on each other.

Maki79 · 23/07/2015 10:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the posters request.

Lemonylemon · 23/07/2015 10:29

"I just feel confused sad without this name issue, there hasn't been anything else thats really caused a problem."

He is "depersonalising" you. He is taking away your identity, objectifying you. That is one of the tricks an abuser will use. There doesn't have to be anything else at all. Whatsoever. At first. It's all done to throw you off centre.

The short temper is also a big red flag.

BrixtonQueen · 23/07/2015 10:46

Yellow Rose, you sound so lovely. He is abusing you already, these are little testers. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life cringing that he won't sayyur name properly or refuses to call you anything at all? Do you really want to spend your evening reassuring a crying man that he is not a failure? This is all about him and his needs. He is drip feeding this testing of the waters, and now texting as if nothing is wrong is to wrong foot you: what? All lovely dovey now? You will be so relieved that the episode is over you will be silenced again. You are being manipulated. This is him. You can't fix him. He does not want fixing, he wants you dancing to his tune. His reposnse to your reasonable request to say your name correctly tell you what you need to know. This man loves drama and if you stay with him you will become the victim of this drama. You already are, I'm afraid