Grandparents staying for our baby's birth

[EmberElftree]

We’re due our first baby end of September/first week of October and live abroad away from both sets of parents (7 hours flight) and we are in our thirties. This is my second pregnancy so we are still anxious yet eagerly awaiting our baby’s arrival as it seems to be becoming more and more of a reality, I was scared to believe it at first.

Neither sets of parents know about my horrendous missed miscarriage last year. This baby will be my folks 3rd GC and my ILs first GC (DH has no siblings). We have a small house with 2 gorgeous rescue cats we adopted and have had for 3 years (which my mum hates and has told me “people keep telling me that you must ‘get rid’ of them before the baby arrives, cats suffocate babies etc.”) So she will not want to stay down the stairs on the sofa bed with the cats!

We have 2 bedrooms one of which will be the baby’s room although the baby will be in with us of course initially. We have a sofa bed down the stairs in the living room and 1 bathroom up the stairs. My mum wants to come out before I’m due and stay with us for a couple of weeks before my due date then my dad would fly out to join her then they would both stay in a hotel to give us our space. I’ve told my mum that the 2nd bedroom will be the baby’s room and she told me to put the sofa bed in there so she can sleep in there. If I had the sofa bed in that room there would be no room for anything else, it’s a small room. We have bought a small armchair for feeds and a couple of things for the baby and want to decorate the room as we wish. She said the baby doesn't need their own room, they will be in with you etc.

My PIL have said to DH that they want to come out and stay a few days then go off somewhere else for a holiday then come back and tag on a few days after, probably in November so not right after the baby’s born. DH has a strained relationship with his parents, meals eaten in silence etc. so he will ask them to come for 2 days either side of their holiday, this is the max. he can handle. DH's parents are well off but do not like to spend money so I believe they expect to stay with us as they used to so DH will suggest that they book into the hotel nearby if they want to come out.

We have a good relationship with my parents on the whole we all enjoy each other’s company for dinners, weekends etc. as long as we’re not in each other’s pockets. I can have a volatile relationship with my mum as she is very high maintenance, opinionated and can be very, very pushy. She came out to ‘help’ uninvited, just got on a flight and text my DH from the airport to say she was on her way when I had to have surgery a few years ago and couldn’t walk and it was a nightmare for all of us and ended in her leaving in a blaze of glory and us not speaking for weeks. And that was when we had a big place and she had a room with an en suite all to herself.

Ideally we would like my parents to come for a week or so when the baby is born which is what I’ve suggested to them. I thought it was all sorted but last night my dad spoke to my DH on the 'phone and asked him if he wants my mum to come out ‘to help’ for a few weeks before the baby’s born. My DH avoided the question and turned the conversation onto something else as he knows that I have already told my mum myself that if they want to come out to book to fly together on my due date. I know that my mum has pushed my dad to ask my DH this again instead of speaking to me.

I have emailed mum this morning to say dad asked DH last night about you coming out early but I already said that you should book for my due date? Will wait to see what the response is.

My mum is over the top but she can be a massive support and is a great cook and is helpful usually when she stays with us for a few days, helping with the cleaning etc. I would love it if she was even tempered and we could spend the time harmoniously before and after the baby's arrival but she can fly off the handle anytime and it's miserable for my DH as he has very staid parents who hide their emotions while my mum can be like a volcano. I'm worried I might regret not having her here but worse, I'm worried we might regret her being here even more and it ruining our baby's arrival and having to deal with the fall out along with a newborn. It's impossible to predict.

I know we are all grown adults and we have a baby on the way so it seems ridiculous to be tiptoeing round the situation but we want to make the most of it for everyone and to have the least stressful time possible and avoid future resentments which I know can carry on for years. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

If there's going to be a row at some stage - and it seems inevitable there will be as your DM only pays attention to your wishes when you've had a row - have it sooner rather than later so you've got a better chance of her not arriving early.

You say "No thanks, DH and I are looking forwards to spending the last few weeks as a couple just as a couple, as it is the last chance we will have until the baby is much much older."

Don't move the sofa bed and don't whatever you do end up giving up your own bedroom either.

I agree with Sleep as the first weeks are time for you to grow as a family, learn how to deal with a newborn and sort out routines.

No way on earth I'd have had anyone staying for a while.

I have to agree - it's vital to keep it just as u 2 when little one arrives. You don't know how DC and you will be sleep wise and if there are others around then you just can't take a nap without being woken - even if it's with a 'helpful' cup of tea. Good luck and I'm visualising a peaceful and loving birth experience for you xxx

Thanks for your replies - yes sleep they came to stay with us in June for 5 days when I was 6 months pregnant and we ended up giving them our bedroom not even sure how it happened, we bought the sofa bed in preparation especially for them coming (just moved in to this house) and me and DH ended up sleeping on it!

We had a bad meal in a hotel then with bad service etc. and my dad ended up giving me the silent treatment for some reason in the car on the way back and they went up to our bedroom as soon as we got back to the house. He did apologise the next day so I asked him why he took having a bad meal out on me, it was nothing to do with me to which he replied I was just really disappointed with the meal and shouldn't have taken it out on you

I don't want them to miss out on their GC but sometimes they behave very badly it's like a role reversal. I'll just have to tell them straight if they keep pushing. DH says this is the time in your life when you can be selfish and do what's best for you and us. My mum always acts like a complete martyr though and will never let us hear the end of us "preventing me from seeing my GC" or some such when we are just trying to keep all 4 of the GPs happy as well as do what's best for the baby.

Thank you so much Newquay that makes me want to cry - emotional wreck at the moment anything sets me off!

We have always had a rule that we have no over night guests for 8 weeks after each baby.

People are most welcome to come visit but we make the rule clear and they know they'll have to make other arrangements.

Because it isn't just about who sleeps where, things like bathrooms become an issue - dealing with the post natal bleeding, the first scary pooh, needing to go to the loo without much warning etc are all much less stressful if you don't have extra people living with you.
Also being able to make as much noise as you need during night feeds and nappy changes is much nicer than tiptoeing around trying not to wake people up.
And kicking grandparents out once they've cooked your supper and held the baby while you eat it gives you plenty of time to be a family of 3 learning the ropes together.

So a clear but slightly regretful 'it will be lovely to see you but I'm afraid we've decided no over night guests until XX' would be my advice.

God just put a blanket ban on any staying in your house visitors from now until a couple of months after the birth.

Let them whinge.

Personally I think you have enough to worry about in the first few weeks without people staying.

I would use the unpredictability of timing as a way to hold them off. Unless you are having a planned C section, you could easily be two weeks late. (Weeks where you really don't want family hanging around.) I would suggest that no one comes to visit until at least 4 weeks after your DD, and then tell them that you think it is best if they stay elsewhere so that they are not kept awake all night by the crying baby. You could also mention that you will be needing the privacy of your bedroom to establish breastfeeding.

Really, OP, this is a critical time for establishing that if you want to. I had a hard time and if I'd had the extra pressure of IL's I probably would have given up. Stand strong and put your little one first.

I'd say no one is sleeping over at your house until the baby is older. I would suggest sending them details of hotels or self catering cottages/villas but from the sounds of it you'd just be blamed if they weren't to their taste.

Oh wow I could have written your post OP! My DM is planning to come and stay 'for a few weeks'. My DD is 3 weeks old and the transition to motherhood has been a very difficult one for me. I love my DM and obviously want her to spend time with her granddaughter, but like your mum, she is high maintenance. She and my DH clash, ok for short visits but not for any length of time! She can be very bossy and controlling and DH really struggles with that.

Plus we also have a 2 bed house, and I've been sleeping in the spare room to do feeds. DH goes back to work next week so I'd rather give him the chance to sleep. With DM staying in the spare room, things are going to be difficult. I've got used to doing night feeds in a comfy chair in the spare room, will now need to go downstairs (DH says it won't bother him but he's a poor sleeper and until I can express for bottle feeds, I see no point in him losing slee too - I rely on him to keep me sane during the day!)

So, no real advice as I'm too tired to think it through, but just wanted to say you're not alone. Good luck for your birth and remember to put yourself first - injured feelings will just have to be dealt with, we shouldn't be afraid to put our foot down!

I think you and your DH sit down and decide what you want to do (although it sounds like you have it pretty sorted).
I think you then need to have a very straightforward frank discussion with your DM along the lines of "thanks for the offer but DH and I would like time on our own before and immediately after baby arrives".
Make it crystal clear as it sounds like your DM will make up her own ideas otherwise (as my DM would!)

Oh and I think it's best if they all stay in local B&B or hotel. I know some people won't agree with that idea but I found when I had a tiny baby it was easier to have my own space, wander round in dressing gown if needed and sit on the sofa feeding with my boobs out without worrying what I looked like!

That's it southern we don't know yet about the birth I'd like to have a v birth but I have a re-herniated disc that I've had previous surgery on which I'm praying will hold out for the remainder of my pregnancy and birth but it may come to it that I'd need a c section so we don't know the exact date. We live an hours drive away from the hospital and my mum has been stressing about me going into labour "all on your own" but even if she was here she wouldn't drive so I'd just have her in the taxi with me or sat at home waiting for DH to come and pick us up. DH says it will be far too stressful having her here as well as worrying about me and the baby which I completely agree with.

Purple congratulations on your DD! How lovely - is your mum coming to stay then or have you yet to tackle the subject? My mum is so bossy and it's her way or the high way with no filter so I sympathise.

Oh god Captainmorgan the first scary poo yes I'm so not looking forward to that.

both your parents sound bad to me - they took your bedroom without asking when you were six months pg? Your dad gave you the silent treatment?! How old is he?

Tell them they can't stay for at least two months. You don't want to be shoehorning all the baby stuff into your room when it has its own perfectly good room already.

I fel quit sorry for yourILs as they seem to be the most sensible & will get the least time with you!

What can your mum help with before baby arrives that you & husband can't do yourselves?

I think that you should ask your mum & dad over after baby is here & they stay elsewhere.

Your mum can still cook & clean for you if necessary!

With my PFB I used to feed pretty often during the night, then at 7am, sleep until 11, then feed again & get up!

The thought of someone kicking their heels waiting for me to get up...

Oh diddl it does come across like that with the info I've given in this thread but the carry on with the ILs are a whole other thread! I'm just dealing with the most pressing issue with my own parents first as they want to come out sooner.

You're all right of course and we need to just say to them all great that you want to come out, the house is too small to have overnight guests but you'll be very comfy in the hotel round the corner. My DB is coming out in November "once the dust had settled" as he put it and will book into the hotel "as I like my sleep". Gah wish the parents were as considerate as my DB!

Also, re the nursery, feeding chair, wardrobe/chest of drawers...

Well it won't all fit in your room & even if baby won't need it all immediately, it's easier to get the room done before they arrive!

It has to be about your, your husband & your baby & anything that will be stressful/inconvenient-don't let it happen.

If you couldn't completely relax with your mum in the house, don't let her stay.

If you have to consider her at all & alter what you do, don't let her stay.

You get the drift!

You & your husband are to become parents.

That's is what is happening.

Secondary to that, it happens to make your parents GPs & your brother an Uncle.
(He sounds grat btw)

Very true Diddl, this baby is long awaited and we want to make them a lovely wee room with their own stuff in it, not necessarily a granny and a sofa bed! My mum replied to my email this morning when I asked her why dad was asking again when I've already said they should both come out together and stay in a hotel option instead of mum coming by herself and this is the reply (let's say my DH is called John):

Well your dad wanted to tell John that he's not at all happy about you being out there, on your own, so close to your due date. He remembers very well how relieved John was when I went out when you were suffering with your back. It took a lot of strain off John which he was very thankful for.

They seem to have retained a very different memory from 'John' and I from that month she came over unannounced and her eating dinner in her room alone, her having a meltdown after her pot roast didn't turn out the way she wanted etc. My poor DH was completely befuddled by the whole thing, it was the first time he'd really witnessed just how big my mum's bag of tricks can really be...

All of this rings very loud bells in our family. My sister lives overseas and, as soon as her first pregnancy was announced, my mother invited herself to stay and "help" when their firstborn arrived and booked flights months in advance. As luck would have it, she arrived on the very day they came home from hospital with their newborn.

The visit did not go well. Take one overbearing, controlling and tantrum-prone grandmother and add in new-mum hormones, breastfeeding difficulties and a bemused BIL wondering why his territory had been invaded, and you get the general picture. Relationships have never been quite the same again.

You are absolutely right to set your boundaries now and communicate them loud and clear.

It sounds as if no one accepts that you are adults.

We used to live an hr away from parents so day visits were possible!

However, when I was expecting my 2nd, my dad started talking about my mum coming to stay for a fortnight to help!

Was the first that I'd heard of it.

She hadn't thought to ask me, just assumed!

Really got my back up tbh.

The assumption that I would need help (mine are 21months apart) & that she would move in for 2weeks!!

Agree with all above. Stick to your guns about no overnight visitors for the first couple of months. Parents are welcome to visit but they'll have to stay in a hotel. Better to put your foot down firmly now or you'll be having similar issues for years!

I am gobsmacked that you allowed your parents kick you out of your own bedroom when you were 6mo pregnant!! Your parents have some serious neck, they sound awful to do that to a 6mo pregnant woman.

First of all, the baby's room is the baby's room. Your room is your room. If your parents wish to stay, they get the sofa bed downstairs or else they check into a hotel. However, given that your mother sounds extremely high maintenance, I would be telling them (not asking or suggesting, but telling them) that they will not be staying with you as you want the time alone as a family to bond. Regardless of the baby not being in their room, you'll still need that room - if you want to use your nursing chair, presumably the changing mat is set up there, etc.

On the staying before baby is here, I would also say no. You need that time to rest and relax with your DH, not running around after your high maintenance mother.

My mum stayed with us when our baby was born because I wanted her there and she was fantastic. I needed her there. However, your situation is different. The early days after birth are hard. You need support, not stress and it sounds like your mother will be a source of stress.

So point them to the nearest hotel / B&B etc.

Don't let parents/in laws get you off to a bad start.

DH will already feel completely useless throughout the birth- after will be his time to be helpful. My (ex)H loved the fact that he had a role- nappy changing, dealing with crying- he said it helped him bond.

When he goes back to work after being on leave- THAT'S when 'help' might come in useful.

I know coconut I'm still a bit confused as to how we allowed that to happen, we didn't want to have to lock the cats away in the spare room and my parents suitcases and clothes and stuff would be all over the living room then the next thing I was making up the sofa bed for me and DH! I've replied to my mums email to re-iterate they should book their flights to come out together for round about the due date then can move them forward/back depending on when baby makes their Appearance and stay in the hotel round the corner from us. This will not go down well. She likes to get her own way. I may have to send her the lengthy email she sent me after she came to 'help' when I was waiting on my spine surgery detailing how much she dislikes it here and all she missed out on by "being with her daughter" and how happy she was to be home. I think she may just like the idea of telling folk how she flew out to help us rather than the reality of being here. DH has just told me that he thinks she would push her way into the delivery room if she was here prior to the birth. he would feel pushed out of the way when he's been looking forward to being there with me. I do not want her in there I want just DH to be with me and I don't think she would actually try this but it has got me thinking...