We’re due our first baby end of September/first week of October and live abroad away from both sets of parents (7 hours flight) and we are in our thirties. This is my second pregnancy so we are still anxious yet eagerly awaiting our baby’s arrival as it seems to be becoming more and more of a reality, I was scared to believe it at first.
Neither sets of parents know about my horrendous missed miscarriage last year. This baby will be my folks 3rd GC and my ILs first GC (DH has no siblings). We have a small house with 2 gorgeous rescue cats we adopted and have had for 3 years (which my mum hates and has told me “people keep telling me that you must ‘get rid’ of them before the baby arrives, cats suffocate babies etc.”) So she will not want to stay down the stairs on the sofa bed with the cats!
We have 2 bedrooms one of which will be the baby’s room although the baby will be in with us of course initially. We have a sofa bed down the stairs in the living room and 1 bathroom up the stairs. My mum wants to come out before I’m due and stay with us for a couple of weeks before my due date then my dad would fly out to join her then they would both stay in a hotel to give us our space. I’ve told my mum that the 2nd bedroom will be the baby’s room and she told me to put the sofa bed in there so she can sleep in there. If I had the sofa bed in that room there would be no room for anything else, it’s a small room. We have bought a small armchair for feeds and a couple of things for the baby and want to decorate the room as we wish. She said the baby doesn't need their own room, they will be in with you etc.
My PIL have said to DH that they want to come out and stay a few days then go off somewhere else for a holiday then come back and tag on a few days after, probably in November so not right after the baby’s born. DH has a strained relationship with his parents, meals eaten in silence etc. so he will ask them to come for 2 days either side of their holiday, this is the max. he can handle. DH's parents are well off but do not like to spend money so I believe they expect to stay with us as they used to so DH will suggest that they book into the hotel nearby if they want to come out.
We have a good relationship with my parents on the whole we all enjoy each other’s company for dinners, weekends etc. as long as we’re not in each other’s pockets. I can have a volatile relationship with my mum as she is very high maintenance, opinionated and can be very, very pushy. She came out to ‘help’ uninvited, just got on a flight and text my DH from the airport to say she was on her way when I had to have surgery a few years ago and couldn’t walk and it was a nightmare for all of us and ended in her leaving in a blaze of glory and us not speaking for weeks. And that was when we had a big place and she had a room with an en suite all to herself.
Ideally we would like my parents to come for a week or so when the baby is born which is what I’ve suggested to them. I thought it was all sorted but last night my dad spoke to my DH on the 'phone and asked him if he wants my mum to come out ‘to help’ for a few weeks before the baby’s born. My DH avoided the question and turned the conversation onto something else as he knows that I have already told my mum myself that if they want to come out to book to fly together on my due date. I know that my mum has pushed my dad to ask my DH this again instead of speaking to me.
I have emailed mum this morning to say dad asked DH last night about you coming out early but I already said that you should book for my due date? Will wait to see what the response is.
My mum is over the top but she can be a massive support and is a great cook and is helpful usually when she stays with us for a few days, helping with the cleaning etc. I would love it if she was even tempered and we could spend the time harmoniously before and after the baby's arrival but she can fly off the handle anytime and it's miserable for my DH as he has very staid parents who hide their emotions while my mum can be like a volcano. I'm worried I might regret not having her here but worse, I'm worried we might regret her being here even more and it ruining our baby's arrival and having to deal with the fall out along with a newborn. It's impossible to predict.
I know we are all grown adults and we have a baby on the way so it seems ridiculous to be tiptoeing round the situation but we want to make the most of it for everyone and to have the least stressful time possible and avoid future resentments which I know can carry on for years. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.