Grandparents staying for our baby's birth

[EmberElftree]

We’re due our first baby end of September/first week of October and live abroad away from both sets of parents (7 hours flight) and we are in our thirties. This is my second pregnancy so we are still anxious yet eagerly awaiting our baby’s arrival as it seems to be becoming more and more of a reality, I was scared to believe it at first.

Neither sets of parents know about my horrendous missed miscarriage last year. This baby will be my folks 3rd GC and my ILs first GC (DH has no siblings). We have a small house with 2 gorgeous rescue cats we adopted and have had for 3 years (which my mum hates and has told me “people keep telling me that you must ‘get rid’ of them before the baby arrives, cats suffocate babies etc.”) So she will not want to stay down the stairs on the sofa bed with the cats!

We have 2 bedrooms one of which will be the baby’s room although the baby will be in with us of course initially. We have a sofa bed down the stairs in the living room and 1 bathroom up the stairs. My mum wants to come out before I’m due and stay with us for a couple of weeks before my due date then my dad would fly out to join her then they would both stay in a hotel to give us our space. I’ve told my mum that the 2nd bedroom will be the baby’s room and she told me to put the sofa bed in there so she can sleep in there. If I had the sofa bed in that room there would be no room for anything else, it’s a small room. We have bought a small armchair for feeds and a couple of things for the baby and want to decorate the room as we wish. She said the baby doesn't need their own room, they will be in with you etc.

My PIL have said to DH that they want to come out and stay a few days then go off somewhere else for a holiday then come back and tag on a few days after, probably in November so not right after the baby’s born. DH has a strained relationship with his parents, meals eaten in silence etc. so he will ask them to come for 2 days either side of their holiday, this is the max. he can handle. DH's parents are well off but do not like to spend money so I believe they expect to stay with us as they used to so DH will suggest that they book into the hotel nearby if they want to come out.

We have a good relationship with my parents on the whole we all enjoy each other’s company for dinners, weekends etc. as long as we’re not in each other’s pockets. I can have a volatile relationship with my mum as she is very high maintenance, opinionated and can be very, very pushy. She came out to ‘help’ uninvited, just got on a flight and text my DH from the airport to say she was on her way when I had to have surgery a few years ago and couldn’t walk and it was a nightmare for all of us and ended in her leaving in a blaze of glory and us not speaking for weeks. And that was when we had a big place and she had a room with an en suite all to herself.

Ideally we would like my parents to come for a week or so when the baby is born which is what I’ve suggested to them. I thought it was all sorted but last night my dad spoke to my DH on the 'phone and asked him if he wants my mum to come out ‘to help’ for a few weeks before the baby’s born. My DH avoided the question and turned the conversation onto something else as he knows that I have already told my mum myself that if they want to come out to book to fly together on my due date. I know that my mum has pushed my dad to ask my DH this again instead of speaking to me.

I have emailed mum this morning to say dad asked DH last night about you coming out early but I already said that you should book for my due date? Will wait to see what the response is.

My mum is over the top but she can be a massive support and is a great cook and is helpful usually when she stays with us for a few days, helping with the cleaning etc. I would love it if she was even tempered and we could spend the time harmoniously before and after the baby's arrival but she can fly off the handle anytime and it's miserable for my DH as he has very staid parents who hide their emotions while my mum can be like a volcano. I'm worried I might regret not having her here but worse, I'm worried we might regret her being here even more and it ruining our baby's arrival and having to deal with the fall out along with a newborn. It's impossible to predict.

I know we are all grown adults and we have a baby on the way so it seems ridiculous to be tiptoeing round the situation but we want to make the most of it for everyone and to have the least stressful time possible and avoid future resentments which I know can carry on for years. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

Insist "on" sorry! Holding sleeping baby!

Honestly OP, I would not allow your DM to come until your DH goes back to work.

It's really important that your overbearing mother does not shove him out of his territory, not just space wise like when you had surgery, but as a new Dad.

The flying on your due date is fraught with difficulty. You really do not want this in the last stages of pg. The chances are that your baby will be late, up to 10 days late. You need the time around the birth to be you and your DH. Not fretting that she will arrive any minute.

It just isn't fair on your DH to have his first precious day as a Dad upstaged by your DM's antics and to have them in the house being difficult. I know the hotel is planned but you just don't want to be dealing with their arrangements around the immediate birth period. Put them off til 2 weeks after the birth.

We also live abroad in opposite directions to both sets of parents.
When my DD was born it was just me and DH for the first two weeks, then when he went back to work my Mum came out. We flew to DH's parents when DD was 3 months and I flew with DD to my parents a few weeks after that.

I am now expecting baby nr 2 and we are planning the same sort of scenario. I do not want anyone to be here before the birth and some of our friends have offered to take car of DD while I am delivering DS.

I do think that your Mum is right about the baby being in the room with you for the first few weeks/months. I BF'ed and DD slept in a bednest for the first 4.5 months. However this is a personal choice and if you feel your Mum needs to sleep downstairs on the sofa bed then that is what she can do. Can de cats sleep in the kitchen while she is there? Am sure it won't do them any harm and it might be a good compromise.

You need to do what you feel is right for you, your DH and your baby. If there was ever a right time to be a bit selfish about things like these, this is it!

OP, I get on really well with my MIL but DH invited her to stay for two weeks after DS was born (I could have throttled him) and I counted the days till she went home. I just wanted time for the three of us, especially as like you we'd been waiting for DS a long, long time, and with other people in the house I was having to think about who was having what for dinner, was it late enough to wake DSD (also staying on the sofa bed) so we could use the living room and not be camped in the dining room, and all I wanted to do was cuddle and snooze and feed our precious scrap...

I have to try really hard now not to resent them being here at that time, MIL was here to help and DSD was here so she wouldn't feel pushed out by her little brother...but oh I wish they hadn't been here, people kept asking if I was coping and I wanted to shout "yes I am, me and DH and the baby are fine, it's the rest of you I'm not coping with !"

Allow yourself to be selfish, think about your needs and only yours. No one else is going to evaporate if they don't see the baby until it's ten days old...

And dont worry about the cats, ours was fine, had also been the baby of the house until the real thing turned up, and after a couple of weeks hiding from the noise it got curious and came to say hello - very gently and cautiously - and now after four months everyone has settled down to their new place in the family.

The protective Mummy streak will come out of nowhere once your precious bundle is born (even if you are used to being the family doormat like I was) so it won't hurt starting a bit early. This isn't about your DM, this is YOUR time, so protect it as much as you can.

Does your mum know your due date? Can you lie to her? Tell her that a c section is booked for one date when actually it is earlier? The you can have a lovely early surprise and she will never know.

Also, make it clear that if she turns up you won't be meeting her from the airport or offering her a bed, until you are ready. If the worst happens, point her to the sofa bed, keep lights on at night for feeding, and ban her from the bathroom, offering a potty instead, as you need constant access. Perhaps send her a helpful email outlining these condition ins advance. That should discourage her.

And tell her how comfy the cats find the sofa bed, you're sure they'll love her extra warmth!

That's true Blu, when my DH said she'll want to be in the delivery room I can guarantee it I thought no,really? But you're right he will feel pushed out by her and that's the last thing we need. Mermaid, I told my mum the baby will be in with us at night but also that they will have their own room. We have an open plan kitchen, living, dining room downstairs so the only place to shut the cats would be in the tiny toilet downstairs or the small bathroom upstairs which we'll need access to. The best option is defo a hotel for them! My dad wants to stay in a hotel, he likes his own space, just mum that wants to be in on the action.

hrpufnstuf, that's what I want to avoid is future resentment as this baby is so eagerly awaited already by everyone on mine and DH's side, I just want to have the least drama poss. I managed it with our wedding, organising it just as we wanted as we were paying and had to ignore my mum's huffs and silences over guest list, us not getting married in a church (we have never been to church as a family!) etc. and my MOH said after how she spent more time helping my mum get ready that day and faffing with her while I was left alone (very happily drinking champagne and chilling).

This time it will not be my mum's show it will be about our baby, DH and I. Now just got to tell her…!

Heh heh, kickass, our cats love my mum! As much as she tries to get away from them they rrrrrrub up against her legs

Seriously, lie about the due date, make it clear that she's not welcome, and point out that first babies often come early. My sister lived abroad when she had both hers. Our parents went over for 2 weeks when the second one was due, (I think my sis was OK with that) and came home having seen nothing but a bump!. DNiece arrived about 48 hours after they left the country.

A new baby will rock your relationship to the foundations, for both better and worse - the celebration and love, the delight, the strain and tiredness, the changing roles, the constraints of couple time and going out etc etc.

Your mother has already demonstrated that she has no sensitivity around your DH and his role. The time when you have a newborn and take your first parenting steps together, and before he goes back to work - his precious, precious time before he leaves you at home (assuming that he will be in employment out of the home - apols if this is not the case) - should be when you bond with your baby together, and learn to be parents together.

Your attention seeking drama queen mother will make this impossible.

Just tell them that for the first two weeks you will be feeling overwhelmed and want your DH alone to help, and that having thought about it this is what you and your DH both want - you will be delighted to see them 2 weeks after the birth. And adopt that as stuck record.

We live abroad from both sets of grandparents. saying "no visitors" just isn't realistic when people have to fly in from halfway round the world. OP fwiw my mum came over ten days or so beforehand in case the baby came early when DH was at work. She stayed for about ten days after the birth too. My ILs then came for a month but booked a place on airbnb so they weren't in our hair.

Oh, we had gps an 11 hour flight away and the others are further than can be done in a return day trip. Which is why it was even more important to keep them at bay. A quick visit , bring or cook a meal and off again til tomorrow is manageable, compared to them having to stay for a substantial time.

Also the OP's mother is trouble however far she travels!

Am thinking along the same lines now that it'd be better for them to come when DH goes back to work. He doesn't get paternity leave here but is taking 2 weeks holiday so it makes sense for them to be around then. My mum stewed for a few days then emailed my DH to ask "did ember show you the email" which she sent saying how my dad was well aware of how grateful DH was when she flew out (uninvited) to help us when I was waiting for back surgery. DH replied to say yes she did and we do think its bet to wait until the due day for you both to book flights and hotel. They are away just one so we will speak to them eventually but that's them been told 4 times now! That you for all of your input its been a big help to hear others points of view.

They should all go in a hotel /B&B. You have not got room for them.

Your mother should not be dictating what furniture goes where in YOUR house. Ever.

I know amothers it is ridiculous isn't it? Then she makes out like she is hard done by her children who have no respect for her etc. when I'm just saying that's going to be our baby's room as its not big enough for the
L shaped sofa bed...

I wouldn't have wanted to have been in labour at home with any house guests!!

I said no house guests staying over in the first 6 weeks. My inlaws were here in the living room when I got out of hospital, stayed all evening cooking dinner etc, then went to a hotel and came back the next morning at 9am. Even that was too much, I was FURIOUS. If boyfriend and I ever have a big row, it will come up. I even told my inlaws to their faces that I didn't want any visitors... but they insisted that they were 'helping'. She even stood behind me while I sorted through photos (some of them a bit too gynaecological) on my laptop to send my friends. I put the baby in a sling straight away, then went to bed at 7pm. The next day I didn't get up at all until the midwife came round, at which point she told my boyfriend to get rid of everyone else (including 3 builders who happened to be working on the house at the time).

I had a relatively easy time, I wasn't particularly stressed by the actual looking after of a baby, but still I just wanted it to be the three of us. Really, really stick to your guns... I feel just slightly that my first couple of days were wrecked by people just not listening to my wishes.

The following two weeks though, they were brilliant.

I was kind of blackmailed into having my mother stay to 'look after me' after my first baby. Reluctantly I agreed (had a volatile relationship and hadn't actually felt like I needed help), what a bloody nightmare.
Luckily, we weren't abroad but the other end of the country, so by the middle of the week when I'd had enough, I asked her to go home!
Took a while for things to settle down after that, but I wish I'd stood my ground initially.

Oh the goats that's a nightmare having the ils there when you got out of hospital, good that the midwife kicked them out. We're really looking forward to it all having the baby at home with us, dh is lying beside me chuckling at this website he's found for new dads.

Horse you sound like you were in similar predicament to me, shame you had that experience that's what I'm trying to avoid. Especially the fall out later.

Just remember: first babies are very often late. A week or so.

Good luck OP!

I can't describe the intense need for privacy that overcame me during labour and post partum, and I get on v well with my Mum.

Thanks blu I have a check up with the doc tomorrow so will see how we're gettin on. My due date was originally the 11th October but baby has been measuring a week ahead since about1
2 weeks so she changed my dd to 4th october. So I'm reckoning on anywhere between mid September - mid/late October! Will see what the doc says tomorrow. Going by my current dd I'm 29+1 today

Firstly, good luck sister!! Stay strong and follow your instincts!! Let me share my story...

My sister: Mum arrived two weeks before her due date, baby had to be induced and practically blasted out.

18 months later, when I was due, I insisted they wait but they came anyway. I sent them to my sisters house and went into labour the same evening.

14 months after that, parents arrive for birth of my sisters second child, I took Mum and Dad out for a few hours, sister went into labour and baby was born while they were out.

Finally, my parents agreed to wait until the babies were born before they came to visit, all subsequent babies were free to come when they were ready!

It sounds as though the best way both grandparents can help is by booking themselves into a hotel after the birth.

LOL, I knew exactly when DS was conceived down to the hour, textbook development and he was a week late. They don't stick to the prescribed number of days gestation and you can't predict it.

You are right: your Dh's holiday isn't the right time for your mum to be around! Good luck!

Thanks blu. Our baby was 1.5k yesterday so a wee bit ahead and looks like their dad! They could come anytime will just have to wait til they're ready eh? Had a barrage of texts from my mum of horror stories of people going to the loo and having their baby, having to call 999 as no time to drive to hospital etc. "that's the sort of occurrence that scares us. I could tell you dozens of stories like tht but these are the facts of life".

I replied dont be such a doom monger an she continued, "As a practical woman I look at all case scenarios, trust me, you will feel differently when you are a mother you will know how it feels. It's not doom mongering but I know some do not want to think of such things buying their head in the sand. Having a baby is not all about you. It's also about the father, your parents and your extended family and friends. Spare a thought at leat for your parents".

I said, try to thing positively for once, it may liberate you! And the response?

"Right. I am liberated. You have your baby and I just won't think about it at all. Let know what you have won't you just for old times sake. Good job we didn't waste time booking flights".

Ladies, I give you my mother, an endless source of support and comfort...

It's such a shame he behaves like this, it's like she wants something bad to happen to us. This is all after I sent her a photo we got of our baby's face that I captioned "hello, I weigh 1.5k!!"

Oh dear, she's really trying to frighten you when you're at your most vulnerable.
My Mum gave me lots of birth horror stories. When I said that I had asked for a mobile epidural so that the midwives could do any intervention necessary without delay because she had filled my head with such stupid nonsense she then switched to epidural horror stories. I reminded her of one last time she visited & she said, "Oh, I didn't say that, did I?"
Funny isn't it that you are preparing to give birth, you are getting ready to be a new mother, your husband is shaping up ready to support you and his baby, but when your mother contacts you it's all about her feelings, her needs, her irrational worries, her relationship with her baby.
I can't believe that people, including family, can be so awful to women when they're pregnant. You concentrate on you & just ignore your, rather messed-up Mum.

Just thinking Ember, you could always say something like,
"Oh Mum, do you realise how upsetting your comments & stories are? From here, you sound as if you're itching for something to go wrong so that you can take over? Don't you care about the effect that all this is having on me?"
If she goes on about herself again you could say something like,
"But Mum, this isn't your baby or your birth. This isn't all about you and how you feel. Don't you realise the negative impact that your behaviour is having on me at the moment?"
Put it across firmly but politely, she can't have a strip if you put your opinion to her politely.

Strop autocorrect!