Grandparents staying for our baby's birth

[EmberElftree]

We’re due our first baby end of September/first week of October and live abroad away from both sets of parents (7 hours flight) and we are in our thirties. This is my second pregnancy so we are still anxious yet eagerly awaiting our baby’s arrival as it seems to be becoming more and more of a reality, I was scared to believe it at first.

Neither sets of parents know about my horrendous missed miscarriage last year. This baby will be my folks 3rd GC and my ILs first GC (DH has no siblings). We have a small house with 2 gorgeous rescue cats we adopted and have had for 3 years (which my mum hates and has told me “people keep telling me that you must ‘get rid’ of them before the baby arrives, cats suffocate babies etc.”) So she will not want to stay down the stairs on the sofa bed with the cats!

We have 2 bedrooms one of which will be the baby’s room although the baby will be in with us of course initially. We have a sofa bed down the stairs in the living room and 1 bathroom up the stairs. My mum wants to come out before I’m due and stay with us for a couple of weeks before my due date then my dad would fly out to join her then they would both stay in a hotel to give us our space. I’ve told my mum that the 2nd bedroom will be the baby’s room and she told me to put the sofa bed in there so she can sleep in there. If I had the sofa bed in that room there would be no room for anything else, it’s a small room. We have bought a small armchair for feeds and a couple of things for the baby and want to decorate the room as we wish. She said the baby doesn't need their own room, they will be in with you etc.

My PIL have said to DH that they want to come out and stay a few days then go off somewhere else for a holiday then come back and tag on a few days after, probably in November so not right after the baby’s born. DH has a strained relationship with his parents, meals eaten in silence etc. so he will ask them to come for 2 days either side of their holiday, this is the max. he can handle. DH's parents are well off but do not like to spend money so I believe they expect to stay with us as they used to so DH will suggest that they book into the hotel nearby if they want to come out.

We have a good relationship with my parents on the whole we all enjoy each other’s company for dinners, weekends etc. as long as we’re not in each other’s pockets. I can have a volatile relationship with my mum as she is very high maintenance, opinionated and can be very, very pushy. She came out to ‘help’ uninvited, just got on a flight and text my DH from the airport to say she was on her way when I had to have surgery a few years ago and couldn’t walk and it was a nightmare for all of us and ended in her leaving in a blaze of glory and us not speaking for weeks. And that was when we had a big place and she had a room with an en suite all to herself.

Ideally we would like my parents to come for a week or so when the baby is born which is what I’ve suggested to them. I thought it was all sorted but last night my dad spoke to my DH on the 'phone and asked him if he wants my mum to come out ‘to help’ for a few weeks before the baby’s born. My DH avoided the question and turned the conversation onto something else as he knows that I have already told my mum myself that if they want to come out to book to fly together on my due date. I know that my mum has pushed my dad to ask my DH this again instead of speaking to me.

I have emailed mum this morning to say dad asked DH last night about you coming out early but I already said that you should book for my due date? Will wait to see what the response is.

My mum is over the top but she can be a massive support and is a great cook and is helpful usually when she stays with us for a few days, helping with the cleaning etc. I would love it if she was even tempered and we could spend the time harmoniously before and after the baby's arrival but she can fly off the handle anytime and it's miserable for my DH as he has very staid parents who hide their emotions while my mum can be like a volcano. I'm worried I might regret not having her here but worse, I'm worried we might regret her being here even more and it ruining our baby's arrival and having to deal with the fall out along with a newborn. It's impossible to predict.

I know we are all grown adults and we have a baby on the way so it seems ridiculous to be tiptoeing round the situation but we want to make the most of it for everyone and to have the least stressful time possible and avoid future resentments which I know can carry on for years. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

"then can move them forward/back depending on when baby makes their Appearance"

Is it that easy to change flights?

Wouldn't it be easier to wait until baby is here & tell them to come out asap/2wks later...

Whatever suits you best at the time?

Phone her, have that argument now. Tell her you will phone her when you are ready to see her and your dad. Tell her she is spoiling things for you and DH by shoehorning herself in where she has not been invited. Remind her whose life you are living. Do that a lot....

If she gets upset, let her. Tell her she will wait to be invited.

Get it all done and dusted now... stop trying to appease her, it won't work. Pull on your biggest big girl knickers and gain full control of your life.

Key Term: this is my life mum, not yours.

Can I just say - my dad is staying for one night. Lovely to see him of course but he's only been here for a few hours and I am already shattered! It's so hard having someone around when you are used to flubbing about the house with your boobs out! Especially having to make conversation too.

My Mum arrives next week, just for a week initially - agreement is to see how it goes, she wants to stay an extra week but we're not so sure...right now I just can't be bothered with it!

I have adult children (sounds like they're those men online who wear nappies - I can assure you they're not!) and all this is making me vow not to treat them like that. Hotels here I come!

there comes a time when families should no longer share accommodation. So have the argument now and lay down the law. The baby needs the space and so do you. Unless you are on Mars there must be a hotel/B and B/self-catering reasonably near. They book into that, result. (preferably self-catering so they have all the facilities).

believe me it works MUCH better. Even without a newborn waking umpteen times a niht!

Having a newborn - especially your first - is HARD. It is rewarding and incredible and the most amazing rollercoaster of your life - but even if the birth goes relatively swimmingly and you and baby have no complications, it is HARD. You will be sore/in pain/bleeding/drained/existing on barely any sleep/trying to figure out this little life you now have/hormonal/possibly trying to get to grips with bfeeding etc etc. Your DH and you need those early weeks to figure out how your little family works without external interference. Even if your DM was the easiest woman in the world, she should probably be in a hotel, and not come out till you tell them you're ready.

Please, for the sake of you, your DH, your baby and them too - put down some ground rules, refuse to let them stay in the house and if and when they visit - you decide when they come and when they leave.

Let them tantrum about it if they want to. If they want to see their GC, it needs to be your way or no way.

Thanks for all your replies, it all sounds like great advice. I love my mum but she has had 63 years of doing as she pleases with my dad doing as she wants, she has never worked so has only ever had to march to her own drum. Conflict arises between us when we my DB sil dh and I disagree in any way and my mum can't handle and either has a screaming session or slams things and stomps away slamming doors as she goes a la Kevin. Not what I want for my little one's introduction to the world.

Predictably, I have had no reply to my email yesterday reiterating that we don't need her here prior to my due date. I can hear the cogs turning and fizzing from here as she formulates another plan to get her own way.

I will have to call them once the time zone sorts itself out and have it out on the phone.

Emberelftree you know that you have to start being the Mum & setting out boundaries for your children now, don't you.
You're worried about your Mum's reaction & how she'll feel/take it.
Now, it's taken me YEARS to learn this 1, & I'm still a bit wobbly with it myself, but here we go...
Stay calm & politely say, "Listen Mum, this is my birth, baby & post-natal time. DH & I need that time to bond with our baby, become our own family unit, and I will need time to heal from giving birth. We will not be up to having other people staying with us. You have to understand that this is a very precious time for us as a new family. If you want to come, you will have to stay in a hotel or rent a cottage nearby."
If she then gets angry, it is her CHOICE to do so. As long as you have been calm & polite expressing your reasonable needs, you are not responsible for her behaviour. You do NOT have to make anyone else happy to the detriment of your own happiness. How often does saying, "yes," to appease someone else mean saying, "no," to yourself?
As I say, it took me YEARS to learn this & it's still early days, but when I feel my mouth opening & my head starting to nod, I chant it to myself like a mantra!
Good Luck with the birth, but sort your Mum out with new boundary lines first.

I know Frances, I do flit between feeling oh I just can't be bothered with her drama and either ignoring or placating which we all do hence the troubles we find ourselves in with her. Alternatively if she catches me on the right day I'll tell her straight, she will be nasty and have a tantrum or give me the silent treatment and I won't react until my dad will call up and try to get me to patch it up. She will never apologies or admit fault. After they stayed with us a few weeks ago in June I got this text out of the blue from her referring to my 41 year old brother and I (my parents were staying with him at the time):

It's a permanent competition twist you both to see how many times you can tell us off and put us in our place, but as parents you will understand, eventually.

I replied "what are you on about" and I got no answer...

This is what I'm up against. I can only assume she had fallen out with my DB over something.

sounds like your brother doesn't tolerate her nonsense either

she's determined to back you into a corner, put you on the spot and railroad you.....don't let her. people like her refuse to change and will only keep on. they think they can wear you down to a point where you will just roll over, this is a long game for them. the best way to handle her is to be firm, assertive, polite and make it clear there will NO accomodating her presence if she ignores your boundaries. you might find that when she realises she can't do this with your knowledge, she books a 'surprise' flight and turns up on your doorstep. if you think there is a likelihood of that then i'd be frank with her now - she won't be allowed in the house and you won't be meeting her anywhere.

it's either stick to what i said works for us or nothing.

Her and my DB have an extremely volatile relationship and are at each other's throats most of the time. Sugar, it has crossed my mind as she did come uninvited before and just text my dh to say she was at the airport and he came home and told me, we were like omg! Oh god am going to have to lay it down now. My DB and her fight over his children constantly and even though we're so far away (another bone of contention for her) we have to lay the boundaries now for this child.

I would say that giving birth to your first child is the most important day in a woman's life. And after the wedding day it is the most important day in your partner's life (or maybe the most important day).

So really it is for you 3 and no one else.

Tell her you will ring once baby arrives or whatever

I agree with sugar

If the railroading won't work or your dad the flying monkey can't persuade you to bend to her will; then I would expect a call/knock on the door to say she's arrived!

You need to tell her straight. You also need to have a plan if when she arrives as a surprise.

Personally, I would tell her if she does come she will be staying in a hotel and that she can visit you at x time as you will be resting prior to the birth.

You have to put a stop to this now, because dealing with this shit when you are exhausted , bleeding, hormonal, leaking fluids everywhere, and permanently attached to a baby could be the last straw for your relationship.

You've made the bedroom arrangements. There is no spare bedroom. They'll have to stay in a hotel.

We could have the same mother! You've GOT to put your foot down now and be very clear and firm about what you want otherwise she'll make things very difficult when you are feeling vulnerable

Hi op,

I live a 5 hour flight from the UK. I had my first dd last year and I had my parents staying for 3 weeks when she was born. Mum booked her flights for my due date and I had dd by emcs a few days before.

My inlaws live here too and they kept their distance just popping in to visit me in hospital and then when I was out not for that long. Inlaws and parents get on very well. I may have them stay there next time. Do you know anyone who'd put them up?

I had more visitors at the house than I really wanted and mum was useful in that respect too. Fending some off, making tea for others! This is not much of a help but I'm still in two minds about it.sometimes I wish we'd had the family time, other times I'm greatful for her help. We do have 3 bedrooms though and it definitely made things easier.

I made it very clear to her too that the cat was still very much part of the family!

I'm pregnant with my second now and wondering what to do next time. I second putting the foot down though. She insisted we host a bbq last time and I'd only been out of hospital 2 days. That was too much. But the help with the cooking,washing and cleaning was very much appreciated.

"But the help with the cooking,washing and cleaning was very much appreciated."

But had your parents not been staying & it was just you, husband & baby, you would probably have managed.

Surely visitors create work so them "helping" is just them doing stuff that only needs doing because they are there!

I'm not sure what the op said about her dp's circumstances. My dh is self employed and runs his own business. When dd was born he took very little time off. In fact none in terms of full days. If I had him at home then yes we probably could have managed but I do agree guests create work especially since my dsf can't even make himself a cup of tea.

I was also a bit shell shocked and liked the company while he was working though. I actually worried I wouldn't cope once they went home but it was bliss!or at least to a point it was.

It's funny, dsf has 11 other grandchildren and didn't spend anywhere near that amount of time with any of the others.

I told her again 2 days ago via email granted, that they can check into the hotel nearby and of course have had no reply to that I am anticipating a call from my dad as this is the pattern. I will tell him also when he calls.

mrsnec, we've been in this part of the world for almost a decade but have just recently moved to a new city where I only know 1 couple and no they would not put them up. It's no probs for my parents to stay in a hotel they are comfortably off, it's just my mum wanted to stay with us. I haven't lived with my parents since I was 17.

I have told her 'ti I'm blue in the face that our cats are part of our family, we adopted them, we will not "just get rid of them" to no avail.

I wouldn't mind having a hand and even the company while DH is at work but it won't be like that and anything can tip her over the edge and I get the screaming abdabs or the door slammed as she goes off in a huff. Anything can trigger this behaviour, the last time was because the oxo cubes are different here to how they are at home and "ruined" her dish. This is not rational behaviour we're dealing with!

Op,that sounds really awful for you. Definitely stick to your guns then. My mother can be irrational at times but nowhere near on that scale.

Are the hotels close by and easy to get to? If yes she has no argument.

On the cats thing I let mum buy cat nets and put them on everything and got rid of them when she left.

I might also add that I didn't have the easiest of times feeding. I wasn't comfortable in front of everyone so kept escaping to my room when I needed to feed dd. I'm sure you've thought of everything but perhaps that's something else to consider.

I too hadn't lived with my parents for years but was used to them spending long periods of time here because they like it and like to make the most of it.

Hotel is very close, taxis in abundance etc. yes so no issues with that she just wants to be here as she was with my DBs children she stayed with them both times. She even said the other day what a nightmare that was and how horrible my DB was and how he freaked out etc. His wife had tough pregnancies injecting wafarin daily and they were worried about her c sections etc. so perfectly normal behaviour on my DBs part worrying about his wife and child, no? She just cannot see, or at least admit to others how badly she can behave, she thinks everyone else is in the wrong and she's just a concerned mother.

Am off to google a cat net sounds interesting! She gave me the speech again on the 'phone the other day about cats suffocating babies, ugh.

Gosh she sounds er hard work.

Even if you easily had the room you wouldn't have to have them staying.

Sounds as if whatever you do will be wrong, so you might as well be wrong with them in a hotel!

Emberelftree "...and she's just a concerned mother."
Anytime she brings up that she's a mother and concerned for whatever, you just have to say,
"Actually Mum, I'm the mother who is concerned for her baby now." She is imposing her will on your family, stopping your family from developing into its own strong unit. She's doing the classic dominate & control, but calling it love.
Just keep on calmly stating that they will have to stay in a hotel. If your Dad phones to ask why you're being xxxx whatever he decides to say, just say very calmly, "No, I've asked you nicely to respect my wishes, as a new mother, please don't turn that into something negative. I'd like you to value and respect what I want for my baby."
People use all sorts of emotional blackmail to walk all over you & make you bend to their will.
When, without joining in with their drama, you politely say, "No," it takes them time to adjust to the new you that they're used to walking over. (I learnt all this & am putting it into practise. It takes courage operating out of your people-pleasing comfort zone, but it does feel empowering when you do!)

I live 4000 miles away from my parents, and am pregnant with my first too, and it's the first grandchild on my side. DH and I wanted my parents to be able to come over, but we have a small flat (2 bed, the second of which is going to be the baby's room so the sofa bed is coming out) so we agreed with my parents:

• that they're coming 4 weeks after the due date to take in to account the baby coming late, plus gives me and DH time to get used to the new born
• we're renting them a flat through airbnb round the corner in walking distance
• we still have to hammer out what we're doing when they're here. My mum can be over bearing and I suspect I may be glad of the company, but I also think we're going to drive each other mad.

OP - I feel the same pain!

Hi all, I just have to add my two cents since my PFB is now 11 months old... Do not underestimate how tired you will be with a newborn! Honestly, it's impossible to imagine until you have one. The physical craving for sleep almost hurts... Woe betide anyone who got in my way of a nap or, worse, woke me up!!! My DM (parents divorced) came from overseas (10 hour flight) when baby was 9 weeks old. Not one week! Not even 4 weeks. We have a tiny house, she slept on a single bed basically in the foyer. She is an easygoing, loving, gentle mum; we have a great relationship... But it was still more work while she was here! She did get up with me every single time that I got up to feed the baby, just to keep me company and make sure I felt supported. DH mostly slept on through! So that was great. But having someone in your house straightaway post-birth??? Nope. I can't imagine it. OP, I hope you're able to stand firm and insist in hotel accommodations!