Grandparents staying for our baby's birth

[EmberElftree]

We’re due our first baby end of September/first week of October and live abroad away from both sets of parents (7 hours flight) and we are in our thirties. This is my second pregnancy so we are still anxious yet eagerly awaiting our baby’s arrival as it seems to be becoming more and more of a reality, I was scared to believe it at first.

Neither sets of parents know about my horrendous missed miscarriage last year. This baby will be my folks 3rd GC and my ILs first GC (DH has no siblings). We have a small house with 2 gorgeous rescue cats we adopted and have had for 3 years (which my mum hates and has told me “people keep telling me that you must ‘get rid’ of them before the baby arrives, cats suffocate babies etc.”) So she will not want to stay down the stairs on the sofa bed with the cats!

We have 2 bedrooms one of which will be the baby’s room although the baby will be in with us of course initially. We have a sofa bed down the stairs in the living room and 1 bathroom up the stairs. My mum wants to come out before I’m due and stay with us for a couple of weeks before my due date then my dad would fly out to join her then they would both stay in a hotel to give us our space. I’ve told my mum that the 2nd bedroom will be the baby’s room and she told me to put the sofa bed in there so she can sleep in there. If I had the sofa bed in that room there would be no room for anything else, it’s a small room. We have bought a small armchair for feeds and a couple of things for the baby and want to decorate the room as we wish. She said the baby doesn't need their own room, they will be in with you etc.

My PIL have said to DH that they want to come out and stay a few days then go off somewhere else for a holiday then come back and tag on a few days after, probably in November so not right after the baby’s born. DH has a strained relationship with his parents, meals eaten in silence etc. so he will ask them to come for 2 days either side of their holiday, this is the max. he can handle. DH's parents are well off but do not like to spend money so I believe they expect to stay with us as they used to so DH will suggest that they book into the hotel nearby if they want to come out.

We have a good relationship with my parents on the whole we all enjoy each other’s company for dinners, weekends etc. as long as we’re not in each other’s pockets. I can have a volatile relationship with my mum as she is very high maintenance, opinionated and can be very, very pushy. She came out to ‘help’ uninvited, just got on a flight and text my DH from the airport to say she was on her way when I had to have surgery a few years ago and couldn’t walk and it was a nightmare for all of us and ended in her leaving in a blaze of glory and us not speaking for weeks. And that was when we had a big place and she had a room with an en suite all to herself.

Ideally we would like my parents to come for a week or so when the baby is born which is what I’ve suggested to them. I thought it was all sorted but last night my dad spoke to my DH on the 'phone and asked him if he wants my mum to come out ‘to help’ for a few weeks before the baby’s born. My DH avoided the question and turned the conversation onto something else as he knows that I have already told my mum myself that if they want to come out to book to fly together on my due date. I know that my mum has pushed my dad to ask my DH this again instead of speaking to me.

I have emailed mum this morning to say dad asked DH last night about you coming out early but I already said that you should book for my due date? Will wait to see what the response is.

My mum is over the top but she can be a massive support and is a great cook and is helpful usually when she stays with us for a few days, helping with the cleaning etc. I would love it if she was even tempered and we could spend the time harmoniously before and after the baby's arrival but she can fly off the handle anytime and it's miserable for my DH as he has very staid parents who hide their emotions while my mum can be like a volcano. I'm worried I might regret not having her here but worse, I'm worried we might regret her being here even more and it ruining our baby's arrival and having to deal with the fall out along with a newborn. It's impossible to predict.

I know we are all grown adults and we have a baby on the way so it seems ridiculous to be tiptoeing round the situation but we want to make the most of it for everyone and to have the least stressful time possible and avoid future resentments which I know can carry on for years. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

It's sad you're stressing over your difficult m in the last stages of your longed for pregnancy. I, too, had alot of stress caused by aforementioned toxic mil and my Ds has a few behavioral issues that I sometimes ascribe to all the stress hormones secreted into the amniotic fluid! Just cut her off til she behaves herself. Your precious baby is your priority - not your immature m. Good luck with everything.

Will do Rumble! I know it is sad and I have told her this many times that she ruins events by being how she is, which of course is futile.

It would be easier to just say ok come then to prevent the fall out and the aftermath for years to come but this is our baby and they don't know that we lost our first baby. We need to lay the law now which neither set of our parents like as we've always put them first. Now it's time to put someone more important first which they will have to get used to.

I'm listening to my relaxing CD's today and putting it out of my mind. So excited to meet this baby! I had a check up yesterday and s/he is already 2.6kilos

My friend had her baby yesterday and it makes it all so real, even as I feel our baby moving inside me as I type, it's still not completely sunk in yet, just can't wait to hold them and see if they're a boy or a girl! Positive thoughts, positive thoughts...!!

It's the most amazing time of your life - keep telling yourself that. The baby inside you will be the most important thing in your life for ever

*HopefulHamster

both your parents sound bad to me - they took your bedroom without asking when you were six months pg? Your dad gave you the silent treatment*

Exactly! I wouldn't have anyone staying for 'weeks'-I want houseguests to leave after 2 nights!! I wouldn't want a house full until the baby was 8+ weeks.

You'll regret it if you let her stay.

"I had a check up yesterday and s/he is already 2.6kilos"

Try not to worry.

I was told that my second was "big for me".

2.3kgs!! (born at 36wks)

Aw thanks Wando makes me a bit teary I can't believe we're having a baby!

rollonthesummer, my dbro is the only one booked to see us at the end of November and looking forward to having a beer with him, first since January!

Wow diddl imagine if mine comes at 36w that's only a couple of weeks away and I haven't washed a thing! Baby has long legs like me, I have a short torso am 5'8" and DH is 6' so makes sense they might be long

OMG she just won't stop! This is in reference to my friend who had her baby on Tuesday whose own mother is coming out on Saturday and therefore was not "at the birth" or even here on the birth day.

"What a shame for her mother to see her grandson for the first time in a foto or Skype rather than be there to hold the baby."

I said friend's mum wasn't thinking of herself at all and that she was happy to respect my friend's and her husband's bonding time.

To which she said "Well, that goes for (DBro and SIL), they were thinking of themselves and they wanted family around them on that special day, that's why your brother kept asking me if I would be joining them for the birth. It was important to him.

All I am saying with regard to (my friend) and her mother is that I know what they missed out on and it is a great shame… you never get that time back again. These are very, very, very special moments in a family's history, the bringing of a new life into the world. Very, very Special!!!"

I know I am banging on about this but how can I get through to her? Do I really just ignore her until the baby's born? This is not what I want for my last weeks of pregnancy nor for the rest of my life.

Send her the words:

"I DO NOT WANT YOU TO BE PRESENT AT THE BABY'S BIRTH."

Let her deal with that. It's fairly unequivocal.

She sounds horrible and petulant.

Aaaarch it's exhausting dealing with it all. LaContessa she's not even allowed at the birth anyway so don't know why she can't get that, the hospital does not allow it here only your birthing partner is allowed in i.e. my DH.

It looks like that's what it's going to come down to and then I'll be dealing with the aftermath for ever more

Oh and the birth and aftermath of my 2nd nephew was "a nightmare" her own words "your brother was just unbearable" which she conveniently seems to have momentarily forgotten...

Oh, she knows that Ember. She's just going to keep on being a bitch because you haven't said "Oh darling mummy, I desperately want you here for the birth of your precious grandchild but alas, it cannot be. Woe is me, WOE I TELL YOU." She wants you to be emotionally dependent on her, and you're just not. She HATES that, probably because she knows deep down that it's linked to her behaviour.

My mother was the same - acted like a right bitch but properly got the hump when we made it clear that we didn't actually like her behaviour either. It made her furious that we didn't make her feel like the blessed beloved mother, which was a role she clearly thought she deserved. My sister used to be good at giving her all that flannel, but the words stuck in my mouth.

My mother died over a year ago and I still occasionally think things like 'Well at least I don't have to deal with her sulking any more.' It's not a nice thing to think or feel

And of course you'll need the baby's room for changing nappies on the changing unit especially if you have a bad back (maybe buy one if you haven't already). You'll be constantly getting clothes from the baby's room. Even though the baby won't be in there yet, you'll be in out of there like a yoyo. It is perfectly normal - I remember the midwife advising it - for there to be a no stopover rule before and after the birth of a baby.

You might need to find a stock phrase or two: "Only my birthing partner is allowed with me at the birth." "I will call you when s/he is born and tell you the visiting times." (It may be born in the night of course in which case wait till next morning or when you are prepared). You might even be being induced for days like I was. "You can't stay in our house I'm afraid. Now we've got all the baby stuff prepared we've realised that we are jam packed. The baby's room is heaving." "It will be lovely having you visit for one or two hours a day. What else will you get up to while you're here?" "Hubby and I are looking forward to it being the 3 of us."

Ember

She is not going to stop; this is par for the course with such disordered of thinking people like your mother. Such people are indeed exhausting. Infact I would go further; it is not possible to have any sort of a relationship with someone like your mother. Did you read up on narcissistic personality disorder by the way?.

re your comments (that I have separated out):-

"I know I am banging on about this but how can I get through to her?"

Short answer is that you cannot. Only her own opinion matters, yours is of no importance at all. This is all about her and your baby's impending birth is her wanting this to be all about her as well.

"Do I really just ignore her until the baby's born? This is not what I want for my last weeks of pregnancy nor for the rest of my life."

Yes to the first sentence. Unfortunately you are going to have to maintain and reaffirm clear boundaries to your mother, boundaries that she will try to studiously ignore. I would certainly consider curtailing all her access to your child. It is NOT your fault she is like this, you did not make her that way. Ultimately it may well come to a low contact or even a no contact situation.

Oh contessa sorry it is not a nice way to feel at all. My mum thinks she is an amazing mother and tells people often. Dh cannot understand my mums logic at all, he says why would you continue being horrible and sending bitchy text or emails to someone you claim you desperately want to come and see, support and help? I'm like, hmm have pondered this for years...

Thanks Louise we're buying a cod/changing unit and have ordered a bath with stand so don't have to bend over the bath. She knows she is not allowed on the labour ward or to stay with us, she has been told many times. We are a 7 hour flight away which is a 15 hour trip for them to get here so will discuss with dh how to proceed. Nothing sinks in she won't let it, she just wants her own way.

Speak to your birthing unit just in case she actually turns up

There have been threads on here where mothers/in laws have actually just pitched up and muscled in. Get it written down somewhere that no one else is allowed!

And enjoy the relaxing/tea and biccies. I am doing the same right now, savouring the few weeks of quiet :)

Hi atilla yes I read about it and daughters of narcissistic mothers and much of it rings true. Yes she does want it to be all about her like at our wedding where she sobbed her way through a very cool poem that I loved so it was unintelligible and some (suckers) were dabbing their eyes at her 'emotion' and it just made me mad as she was loving her momenta nod no one could understand her. I said I love this poem it sums up exactly how I feel about dh and she said well when I read it I thought it was how I feel about you, which made me feel repelled and disappointed as it took some of the sheen off.

Sorry OP just realised that this thread had several pages and I managed to miss your updates. The upright things sound a good idea. I have an unpredictable back and these additions can be such a relief. I used to have a small 2 bed house and found that I had to sell things to make room before the birth - you may find you (conveniently) need to sell you sofa bed. But seriously (half joking aside) this is not what you need. Your husband is right, you don't need to respond. If you let her know that you appreciate her concern but you have a good husband who can help where it's needed. Best of luck. Xxxx

Good idea skipton will put that in my birth plan. The head midwife at our hospital is fantastic, a no-nonsense English lady and was adamant that she will put anyone right in their place who tries to muscle onto the ward. Enjoy your tea and biscuits am off for a shower then will resume the position!

Thanks Louise and we are seriously thinking about selling the sofa bed!! It's handy though for sane folk like our friends if they come to stay

She wants you to buy into the myth that she is an amazing mother and gets very angry with you for not being compliant with that lie myth. You are STOPPING her from being a good mother, dammit.

I suspect that it's also about a perceived lack of respect - our parents' generation were possibly the last ones who were strongly disciplined if they didn't show respect to their parents regardless of whether they'd earned it. Therefore, our parents are in the unenviable position of having had to bite their tongues with their own parents while not receiving the same adulation from their own kids. Many parents, especially parents of now-adult children, don't like being told that respect is a privilege, not a right.

By the way (just a shot in the dark): does your mum have any properly close friends, ones who she can show weakness to? Is she very concerned with maintaining a good face to outsiders, unless of course it suits her to appear the victim? Do you recall feeling like it was your role to make mummy happy growing up and feeling guilty because you were clearly rubbish at it?

I am guessing that the answers are no, yes and yes.

Interesting about the respect thing this is certainly her, she complains of mine and my brother "insolence" fairly often, if we dare to disagree in any way without confrontation and over very simpler things e.g. this tea is nice, oh I prefer the coffee, you are so insolent, mmm'k...

She badgered me about telling 2 of my friends here that I was pregnant. I told her umpteen times that I would tell them when I was ready to no avail of course. One friend has tried for 10 years and gone thru 4 rounds of Ivf and the other never wanted children and is now nearly 60 so one may be upset while the other wouldn't be that interested. Mum kept on have you told them yet until I had to say we are holding off for reasons personal to others now back off. Her response?

Your choice not to enlighten me has nothing to do with me and all to do with you and your rudeness is only surpassed by your insolence an disrespect.

This is copied and pasted I have all her emails and texts! So yes very keen on telling us we are disrespectful when actually she will never respect our opinions or reasons for not doing as she wishes.

Are your parents originally from another country, or culture Ember? Politely disagreeing (not even disagreeing, just having a conversation) over tea/coffee seems excessive even for a touchy parent!

Also, wrt your friends: observe how the Lesser-Spotted Touchy Parent deflects any hint of criticism with its rubber-coated hide and bounces it all back onto the unsuspecting offspring

Ember that sounds painful!

Erm, sort of...they're both Scottish descended from Scottish parents!

Sorry, the tea/coffee thing was tongue in cheek as in she can make a mountain out of a very ordinary non-confrontational convo or situation she just switches and flies of the handle. Her own mother was very difficult and she was nc with her for around 10 years before she died.

Oh she is absolutely a lstp!!