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Original poster

porn and our future

460 replies

myluckystars · 09/07/2015 19:37

I have been married to dh for 4 years and we have a toddler. Before we got engaged I came home to my flat which we were sharing at the time to find him watching porn on the computer. He wasn't expecting me home for another few hours so was doing this in secret. I have strong feelings about porn and don't like it for a multitude of reasons. I was very upset at the time and told him if it happened again the relationship was over, he seemed very upset by my being upset and that was it (we had a very good sex life btw). We carried on together and got engaged, then married, I trusted him. When out baby was 6 months I caught him again and literally an hour before I caught him I had asked him if he ever did it and he looked me in eye and promised no but then I caught him practically straight after. I realised that probably all the times he had been up late at night while I was going to bed early to get up with baby, he had probably been watching porn and then getting up early and moaning about being tired. Anyway, I was furious and said if it happened again it would be divorce. So 3 years on so far so good although can I ever trust him again on it is my thought. We barely ever have sex because it has been a huge turn-off for me and I have trouble respecting him after him lying to my face.

Fast forward to now and there is a man at work who I have developed feelings for who I am sure feels the same. Nothing has ever happened and I have been very careful to not let my feelings slip out and I feel guilty because I am married. Part of me feels it is not a marriage anymore anyway and surely I deserve to be happy.

OP posts:
WhySoAngry · 12/07/2015 21:18

most real men I know (or those worth knowing) do not notice and have no interest in the colour of your pedi and whether the skirt you are wearing is this year's "in" style

Correct. They're deciding whether they should snog, marry or avoid.

MamanOfThree · 12/07/2015 21:42

Good point AF.

That has been my experience too.
That and the fact that we are bombarded with adverts and articles telling us that we have to do our nails, clothes etc to be attractive to men so we end up believing it.

Let's forget about the studies that shows that it's actually pheromones that help us choosing a partner.

AnyFucker · 12/07/2015 21:49

it goes both ways, WSA Smile

JustUsFour · 13/07/2015 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fearless91 · 13/07/2015 21:17

And I call bullshit on that explanation fearless. Not doing it because he is having sex with you is not not doing it because he loves/respects you. It's simply making you interchangeable with his porn wanks

Err I never said that. He doesn't watch porn that often because we have lots of sex. He would rather have sex with me than have a wank (which is a good thing). The only time porn would be a problem (to me) was if he was choosing it over having sex with me. Luckily he doesn't.

Just because it doesn't bother you if your boyfriend, who by the sounds of it is a rocket jacks off to porn, and it doesn't bother you, it bothers the OP, can you not open your mind to that?

I can. She's entitled to not be okay with it. But just because she doesn't like it, it's unfair for her to expect him to stop. If she didn't like him playing rugby would he be expected to stop it??
And yes he is like a rocket Wink

I wonder why it's taken three years for her to realise she can't live with the transgression?

It hasn't. It's just taken her 3 years for her to find an excuse to leave. The first time she caught him watching porn and unfairly threatened divorce she knew full well she wouldn't actually do it. That's why she stayed with him and threatened again. Instead someone else has come along that she's taken a shine to. She's just trying to justify her feelings for somebody else by blaming her H watching porn...

Bloke is not married himself or dating but he can't be a good man to be chasing married woman

I can't believe you area trying to blame this other man! If you were a male posting on here everyone would be saying "don't blame the OW" so it is EXACTLY the same for you!! This is not the other mans fault that you have developed feelings for him - it is purely yours. Your feelings do not reflect what type of person he is.

Offred · 13/07/2015 22:10

You said "My own boyfriend watches it on the rare occasion, he used to often watch it when he was single but he loves, values and respects me"

Then you changed it later to he doesn't do it as much because he is having sex with you instead.

I think your explanations are very confused. It was you who mentioned love, value and respect in relation to your bf's porn use and then you explained how he does it less when in a relationship because he has sex more as though having a RL person to have sex with is in some way interchangeable to him.

oabiti · 14/07/2015 07:45

A relation of mine went into the industry.

She may love what she is doing now (we fell out years ago). But I know her main reason for doing it was to feel 'wanted'. She had a VERY unhappy childhood and was never really loved by her parents :-(

I'm sure she now thinks she's living the 'high' life & I heard from another family member that she is living in some plush appartment abroad. At what cost though?

The point I am trying to make is that this girl went into the industry broken-hearted and vulnerable.

Then I have acquaintances who have been lap dancers/escorts and loved every minute of it!

I guess the point I'm trying to make, op, is stick to your guns. If it bothers you, it bothers you. Your dh won't stop watching it, he likes it too much.

Jan45 · 14/07/2015 10:17

So watching porn has the same connotations as being allowed to play rugby............Confused.

I suppose him lying to the OP is also the same then.........Confused.

Toohotcats · 14/07/2015 12:48

I've been reading this thread since it started and felt the need to respond since I'm in a very similar situation to the OP (although there is no "other man" involved..)
I think the OP needs to remember that your opinions can change over time and that that is ok. Porn isn't a "deal breaker" for me as such but my ex was an addict and if my OH 's use ever got to similar levels I would have to end the relationship.
For these reasons I had to have "the chat" re porn at the start of our relationship - he told me he wasn't a porn user. The problem is I believed him, fell in love and moved in with him only for him to later tell me he had lied. If he used porn now and then I think I'd be ok with it but I am not ok with the lies. I don't know what to do now as I have also been with him for 3 years and it is incredibly hard to drag something up that is 3 years old..
I find myself now trying to figure out my stance on porn use in a relationship and trying to keep an open mind - there are plenty of arguments for and against and I have to admit Offred's points are excellent and I agree with everything she says.
Furthermore re the guy, the chances are he could be a poen user too, as from what I've heard "most" guys are. Have you considered how you'd feel if you entered a relationship with the new guy knowing this?
I think communication is crucial in terms of this subject, and if you struggle to talk to your OH like I do, you have an issue.
Don't ever be afraid to walk away because something in the relationship feels wrong to you regardless of other peoples opinions. It's getting in the way of your happiness and that's what should be the most important, more important than watching sluts on a screen.

Toohotcats · 14/07/2015 12:56

I also think that, like my OH, if they have been using porn since they were young, (research says most boys start around 12 years old!) I don't honestly think they will stop throughout their life regardless of whether they are in a relationship or not.
(At 12 I was still playing with my My little ponies but yeah, I'll shut up now...)

Jo4040 · 14/07/2015 13:32

That's exactly what they are. Sluts on a screen. I don't want my OH perving on some dirty slag. No way.

Fearless91 · 14/07/2015 13:34

You said "My own boyfriend watches it on the rare occasion, he used to often watch it when he was single but he loves, values and respects me"
Then you changed it later to he doesn't do it as much because he is having sex with you instead

When I said he often watched it when he was single but still loves values and respects me - that was for the argument that people who watch porn don't respect women that much. I was saying that argument is stupid as despite him watching it often when he was single - he still respects me as a woman.

Please don't twist what I'm saying.

He doesn't watch porn as much now because we have a lot of sex. When he was single he watched it a lot more. But he still loves and respects me as a woman despite his porn use.

Fearless91 · 14/07/2015 13:35

That's exactly what they are. Sluts on a screen. I don't want my OH perving on some dirty slag. No way

Wow Jo your attitude is disgusting! I hope you don't have any daughters.
Slut shaming women for their sex life - you should feel ashamed.

Jo4040 · 14/07/2015 13:37

That's not there sex life! It's there job! LMAO

Jo4040 · 14/07/2015 13:43

Typo their

Jan45 · 14/07/2015 13:45

Jo40: I don't think you have any worries in that department, your bloke seems entirely satisfied with the sex life he has with you!

Jo4040 · 14/07/2015 13:47

I bloody hope so haha.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2015 15:59

you don't like women much, do you Joe ?

Offred · 14/07/2015 16:09

If that's what you meant fearless it really wasn't clear at all!!

I think loads of people change their minds about porn later on tbh. I mean when you begin associating porn with abuse healthy people don't find it so stimulating anymore.

Fearless91 · 14/07/2015 16:30

I understand that offred. I agree that especially 'old' porn is very sexist.

But I don't agree with saying that men who watch porn have abusive traits and they obviously don't have respect for women. I think that's ludicrous.

That's not there sex life! It's there job! LMAO

So?! Slut shaming a woman is wrong full stop! So what some women enjoy taking part in porn - it makes no difference to you! You are clearly insecure if you have to insult other women based on THEIR personal decisions. 'Lmao'.

Jo4040 · 14/07/2015 16:36

It's probably not THEIR choice tho. They are the insecure ones because it makes them feel good that men are drooling over them.

Jan45 · 14/07/2015 16:44

Most women in the sex industry, be it porn films, prostitution, web cams etc are very vulnerable and/or insecure females. There may be a few that are in it out of pure pleasure but most women do not enjoy being pummelled ten times a day by different men, it's just not in our psyche.

You only have to go online and see what comes up, it's all about the man's pleasure and most sites are geared towards men and web cams etc. usually to extract monies out of the sad bastards.

Why do you think so many females don't like it.

I would love if there were sites for women which depicted a loving sexual encounter that involved the pleasure for both, bring back the Joy of Sex I say, it would have more effect on my loins than the shit that is currently on the internet.

Offred · 14/07/2015 16:48

I don't think they all do either tbh. Plenty actually just do it because they've been raised to believe it is 'what men do' and have never thought about or noticed problems with it. I don't agree that it's only old porn that is sexist though.

Trouble is if you sleep with a porn user it is very often very noticeable. Even if they are an ex porn user, if they've learned sex through porn a lot of their unconscious beliefs (and women's for that matter) are influenced by porn and it shows in their approach to things like sex and contraception. The sex is very often much worse!!!

Also, many of the men who use porn do have abusive traits (as evidenced on this thread) and unfortunately the only way you find out is after you are in a relationship with them. Plus I just ethically object to the whole thing so it demonstrates a fundamentally incompatible values system to me. I don't need a man at all so it's no problem to reject ones on the basis they use porn. Not all non-users of porn are non-abusive either but porn is an easy red flag.

Offred · 14/07/2015 16:52

I do think most women involved in the sex industry are economically and/or emotionally vulnerable as research into the correlation between sexual abuse and sex industry work and economic security and sex industry work shows.

I wouldn't say that is true of all sex industry workers though. Some really do choose it freely and enjoy it hugely. I just don't think that's a reason to have porn. Even if most people did feel that way I would still object to porn that objectified women and perpetuated misogyny because individual happiness does not trump societal equality.

Mide7 · 14/07/2015 18:16

Offred- why do you think porn exists if there isn't a reason for it?

Not trying to pick faults, just interested.

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