porn and our future

[myluckystars]

I have been married to dh for 4 years and we have a toddler. Before we got engaged I came home to my flat which we were sharing at the time to find him watching porn on the computer. He wasn't expecting me home for another few hours so was doing this in secret. I have strong feelings about porn and don't like it for a multitude of reasons. I was very upset at the time and told him if it happened again the relationship was over, he seemed very upset by my being upset and that was it (we had a very good sex life btw). We carried on together and got engaged, then married, I trusted him. When out baby was 6 months I caught him again and literally an hour before I caught him I had asked him if he ever did it and he looked me in eye and promised no but then I caught him practically straight after. I realised that probably all the times he had been up late at night while I was going to bed early to get up with baby, he had probably been watching porn and then getting up early and moaning about being tired. Anyway, I was furious and said if it happened again it would be divorce. So 3 years on so far so good although can I ever trust him again on it is my thought. We barely ever have sex because it has been a huge turn-off for me and I have trouble respecting him after him lying to my face.

Fast forward to now and there is a man at work who I have developed feelings for who I am sure feels the same. Nothing has ever happened and I have been very careful to not let my feelings slip out and I feel guilty because I am married. Part of me feels it is not a marriage anymore anyway and surely I deserve to be happy.

Urgh... Really? Really?! Common sense? OK...

It's shocking that in 2015 there are still men who think this way... Long way to go...

Bring back keepithidden!!!

So the "evidence" we are presented with argues that men want to spread around their seed whilst women are more choosy with partners due to the limited amount of children they can have, ok. So why are men more visual then? Surely they will impregnate anyone in order to fulfil their basic desire? Shouldn't it mean women are more visual as we demand better genes for our offspring? Sounds like a bunch of bullshit to excuse men shagging around and jacking off over porn while deciding women would be better staying faithful and devoid of sexual desire. I wonder who thought all this shit up and for what possible purpose? [inserts eye roll emoticon]

If you don't want to take any responsibility for yourself as a human being and how your behaviour and choices affect other human beings then no-one can make you. That's a sad fact.

However I generally get on well with men and know some great guys who do not think like you. I'll continue expecting better from men who do.

(And women for that matter!)

Did OP ever come back to say what she's decided to do about her marriage, or about her feelings for another man?

It's a contentious first post but I'm mostly interested in why she's dumping a 'wonderful husband and father' because she caught him watching porn three years ago.

So her OM doesn't just have to promise never to watch porn, but has to have never watched porn I guess.

I don't know why someone on the brink of an affair is getting such an easy ride while everyone focuses on something her husband did three years ago. Seems like a red herring to me.

Mainly because she's never said she is on the brink of an affair. That's something people who disagree with someone's right to disagree with porn have decided to jump on and project in order to discredit her.

Yes, she came back but she didn't say what she is going to do.

Porn is not the default setting btw, people choose to watch porn, people choose to lie about watching porn. People who object to porn are not responsible for those choices, just for how they communicate with their partners (and their partners are responsible for how they communicate with them too).

I expect she feels that she would like to be with someone who doesn't watch it and definitely not be with someone who lies about watching it.

I wonder why it's taken three years for her to realise she can't live with the transgression?

The last paragraph of her OP definitely sounds like she's tempted by an extra marital relationship.

Sorry, busy day and evening ahead but will try to return later on.

Interested in why Darwinian Evolution still applies to humans, we allow the weak an sick to live and reproduce for example?

Also humans are all visual creatures it's our main sense, I don't believe there's an intrinsic difference between genders though. Happy to be proved wrong, but not happy to take common sense and the world we live in as definitive proof though!

It hasn't taken her three years to realise she objects to it. It's taken her three years to realise that try as she might she can't live with it.

Many people jump on people who 'leave too quickly' many people think they need to 'not give up on' a relationship because of all kinds of things they find unnaceptable until they have tried their best to see if they can make it work - is that all that novel a concept to you?

Many people realise the half life they are living when they are exposed to other ways of life without having affairs too. Even if she is teetering on the brink of having an affair she is still allowed to object to porn...

"Interested in why Darwinian Evolution still applies to humans, we allow the weak an sick to live and reproduce for example?"

Not for much longer we don't, since the tories got back in.

Yeah, the Tories are harsher but the Labour Party still wasn't so friendly tbh... Gradual decline since Thatcher IMO.

Porn is like everything else. Most people don't care how it's produced as long as when they get it's to their liking.

It the same for everything from Heroin to Clothing, Meat to Diamonds, Porn to Tobacco. Even some sugar produced in Brazil is farmed by slaves, or closer to home to Chinese cockle pickers who drowned etc etc.

If someone doesn't want to watch porn, if others do, if women and men want to perform in porn - all are fine. We are all adults.

I'm not leaving dh and I'm not having an affair. I have had a few conversations with dh today about the porn three years back and he insists he isn't now or since then, his answer is he realised how serious I was about it and what was at stake and it wasn't worth it. However, I am aware this may not be the truth as I would never know. Was never going to have an affair and will continue to rebuff bloke's attention, I am married. It has served to open my eyes to the current state of my marriage and that may or may not be resolvable, only time will tell. Bloke is not married himself or dating but he can't be a good man to be chasing married woman and I would never start a relationship on those terms anyway. I can't tell you how much all your replies have helped me, those for and against.

offred once again I doff my cap to you. You are remarkable

Thank you!!!

I love Offred too!!

it's good timing for that appreciation for me thank you very much guys!

I love Offred and keepithidden too!

To the poster that claimed all women have their hair and nails done and wear makeup for men's benefit get a grip! Mostly we do it for OURSELVES!! I know I do! We aren't living in 1940 you know! FFS

OP I'm glad you're feeling better about things although I worry that this isn't the last you'll have of this conversation. Your DH knew 3 years ago how you felt and continuted to watch porn. What will happen now? Will you have to police his pc or phone? Will you constantly be watching and checking to see what he's doing? That's no way to live.

Pretty sure I'm still a woman :o

Offred and Keepithidden, it's exhausting arguing that actually loads of men see women as people, I know I don't always feel up to the fight, and it's always a relief when other people do.

Op, I hope you find a way forwards.

A cheeky morning for you both.

I've never checked up on him, I wouldn't start living that life but yes I can't ever be sure and that is why I sort of tuned out over the years. Meanwhile bloke wants to discuss his "feelings" next week and I am avoiding this chat like the plague. I love my husband, I am sure of that.

Yeah, I'm in the Castro atm. You could walk around naked (women did at pride, though supervisor wiener banned nakedness generally - the wiener law ) and not be sexually harassed because all the men are gay. It's fab. I have sometimes worn makeup here too. Wonder why I did that? I literally never wear high heels because I want to be capable of walking. When men realise women are entitled to wear what they want without it being an invitation for a man it will go some way to making the world a better place!

Lucky - see the thing to me is not so much whether there is porn watching going on or not it's the fact that I would know my partner doesn't share my beliefs and has disrespected them. It's a different thing to a man who used to watch porn before he realised it was bad and why. A man who knows how you feel and doesn't agree is not one I would want to be with whether he actually watched or not. Essentially it would make me and them incompatible.

IMO, women do stuff like nails, hair, clothes etc to impress other women not men

most real men I know (or those worth knowing) do not notice and have no interest in the colour of your pedi and whether the skirt you are wearing is this year's "in" style