porn and our future

[myluckystars]

I have been married to dh for 4 years and we have a toddler. Before we got engaged I came home to my flat which we were sharing at the time to find him watching porn on the computer. He wasn't expecting me home for another few hours so was doing this in secret. I have strong feelings about porn and don't like it for a multitude of reasons. I was very upset at the time and told him if it happened again the relationship was over, he seemed very upset by my being upset and that was it (we had a very good sex life btw). We carried on together and got engaged, then married, I trusted him. When out baby was 6 months I caught him again and literally an hour before I caught him I had asked him if he ever did it and he looked me in eye and promised no but then I caught him practically straight after. I realised that probably all the times he had been up late at night while I was going to bed early to get up with baby, he had probably been watching porn and then getting up early and moaning about being tired. Anyway, I was furious and said if it happened again it would be divorce. So 3 years on so far so good although can I ever trust him again on it is my thought. We barely ever have sex because it has been a huge turn-off for me and I have trouble respecting him after him lying to my face.

Fast forward to now and there is a man at work who I have developed feelings for who I am sure feels the same. Nothing has ever happened and I have been very careful to not let my feelings slip out and I feel guilty because I am married. Part of me feels it is not a marriage anymore anyway and surely I deserve to be happy.

I do wonder if most of these people opposing to porn have actually watched it. I have never watched porn where women are objectified. If anything, they're liberated.

For me, porn enhances my orgasms. It makes it incredible. I watch porn when receiving oral, as does my DP, and it takes the orgasm to another level. I'm not watching it to look at men or women's bits to get my kicks, it's not about seeing a big cock and thinking "oh yes, delightful, a throbbing cock". It's about seeing their pleasure.

I find it hard somebody would leave their husband for it. Nor can I believe somebody is pathetic enough to raise it as such an issue when you've had "three good years" with no sign of it, simply to justify your emotional disloyal traits.

Yep seen porn. Women crying, in pain, gagging, being penetrated by more than 1 man, being penetrated by objects, tied up. Not nice really.......I wouldn't want to see it again. This was mainstream stuff. Not hardcore but even then it was horrible.

ok lagoon, so youre not into that sort of porn. I hope noones making you watch it, or that you think certain sorts of sexual tastes are shameful even between consenting adults???

Do you want your relationship to survive the latest situation, myluckystars, can you ever trust your DH not to lie in the future? What happens the next time you catch him?

It seems you are in a situation that is difficult for you to reconcile, and you are allowing your emotions to drift towards another person's affections. This new person can't 'fix' the problem, nor can they "make you happy" - at best, they may be a distraction, that's about all.

As you have DC together, it would be worth you reaching a decision in your own mind about your threshold, otherwise you'll just get eaten up with bitterness and hurt

Token in that case I would suggest you watch some porn when not in the middle if sex yourself and then look at the people's faces and their body language.
As soon as you take away the 'excitement' all that is wrong with porn becomes obvious.

I'm wondering what you are finding exiting in a semi erect penis too (because that's the state they usually are in. Says a lot about how nice the guys are finding the experience really)

Angry having met a few men in my life, I can tell you not all of them watch porn, far from actually.

But everyone, including women, saying again and again that they all are is actually having that effect. If you are Not watching porn suddenly it feels like something is wrong with you, as a man.

because women are biologically programmed with sexual desire - required to ensure the perpetuation of the species

That's all very well, but I'm in my 50s so the species had better look elsewhere for perpetuation these days - but I still have a lot of sexual desire. As do women older than me.

Sooo... Basically a classic MRA argument then?

Men have the right to objectify and abuse women because that is just how men are and women are not really people.

Keep has tried to point out that it is not how men are but how some men choose to be, what some men choose to believe but it is not founded on anything real. Yes there is some research to support it but it is not credible scientifically and given that it suits men (as a class) to retain their privilege it is not surprising that people would do bogus science to try and prove their bias.

Lots of 'research' looked at racial differences too in the bid to explain why white men were better than everyone else in the world.

And as for the silly question about my own relationships. No, obviously because I like to think men and women are equals and not all men think it's ok to abuse women I am CLEARLY a lesbian nun who has never even looked at a man...

And you know all that evolutionary biology crap? Know why men fall asleep after orgasm? So we can go and shag someone else in case your genes are poor.... HTH

Also, men wank imagining they are impregnating a woman?! PAH... You are insane!!!

Well I certainly think of being inseminated when I wank. Don't you?

What for example.... About men....for example...the type of man like 'Roy Cropper', for example... That kind of personality eccentric type. Do you think that he needs to 'scratch the itch' everyday, feels the need the need to watch porn?

Always the quite ones Jo!
But really the whole narrative would be that men who don't subscribe to this narrative are not 'proper men', they are homosexuals and sissys or weird and suspicious...

Damn those male scientists conning the world with fake concepts like "hormones".

Plenty of heterosexual men who love sex and don't agree with or watch porn IME... Though the argument there is they are all lying to me to please me and secretly wanking away... Yep some of them are but you usually know as a woman whether men watch porn or not because porn watchers make shit lovers... Generally...

yeah, yeah men have men hormones and women have women hormones and that makes men men and women women and there is no grey in between (as studies have no begun to show and also with chromosomes)...

Offred - why do you just make things up? I didn't say 'men wank imagining they are impregnating a woman'. I said that men have a strong biologically driven sex drive - and that watching porn (can we all agree that men are highly visual, otherwise we're all wasting a lot of money on make-up, high heels and short skirts) gives men the vicarious experience of having sex.

MamanOfThree: Angry having met a few men in my life, I can tell you not all of them watch porn, far from actually How do you know? That's what they told you?

Every week, sometimes every day, women come on MN and say 'I would never have suspected my DH...', 'he wasn't the type...' of watching porn, having an affair, going with prostitutes etc.

Men who say 'I have no interest in porn' or "of course I don't watch porn' are the ones most likely to be doing so. Men lie about porn because, as this post shows, women don't like it.

Which brings us back to the original post....

I prefer the view that keep tried to imply - that men are people not animals.

No, we can't agree men are 'highly visual' because it is defunct crap science!!! Short skirts and high heels? PAH!

Some men lie because they have no respect for women.

Offred, thank you for arguing this. I couldn't agree with you more

I'll never understand why some people think so little of men.

Maybe I've just watched ridiculously soft porn then.

No, we can't agree men are 'highly visual' because it is defunct crap science!!! Short skirts and high heels? PAH!

It's not defunct crap science. It's common sense.

Look around you! What do countless millions of women spend their money on? Looking good: make-up, nail bars, moisturiser, shoes, getting their hair done, clothes etc.

Why? To make themselves attractive to men - because men are highly visual, more so than women, when it comes to sex. Everyone knows this is true.

Do women spend their money on improving their voice or enhancing their conversation skills? Rarely. Because it's short skirts and high heels that most men like.

No, we can't agree men are 'highly visual' because it is defunct crap science!!! Short skirts and high heels? PAH!

It's not defunct crap science. It's common sense.

Look around you! What do countless millions of women spend their money on? Looking good: make-up, nail bars, moisturiser, shoes, getting their hair done, clothes etc.

Why? To make themselves attractive to men - because men are highly visual, more so than women, when it comes to sex. Everyone knows this is true.

Do women spend their money on improving their voice or enhancing their conversation skills? Rarely. Because it's short skirts and high heels that most men like.