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Original poster

porn and our future

460 replies

myluckystars · 09/07/2015 19:37

I have been married to dh for 4 years and we have a toddler. Before we got engaged I came home to my flat which we were sharing at the time to find him watching porn on the computer. He wasn't expecting me home for another few hours so was doing this in secret. I have strong feelings about porn and don't like it for a multitude of reasons. I was very upset at the time and told him if it happened again the relationship was over, he seemed very upset by my being upset and that was it (we had a very good sex life btw). We carried on together and got engaged, then married, I trusted him. When out baby was 6 months I caught him again and literally an hour before I caught him I had asked him if he ever did it and he looked me in eye and promised no but then I caught him practically straight after. I realised that probably all the times he had been up late at night while I was going to bed early to get up with baby, he had probably been watching porn and then getting up early and moaning about being tired. Anyway, I was furious and said if it happened again it would be divorce. So 3 years on so far so good although can I ever trust him again on it is my thought. We barely ever have sex because it has been a huge turn-off for me and I have trouble respecting him after him lying to my face.

Fast forward to now and there is a man at work who I have developed feelings for who I am sure feels the same. Nothing has ever happened and I have been very careful to not let my feelings slip out and I feel guilty because I am married. Part of me feels it is not a marriage anymore anyway and surely I deserve to be happy.

OP posts:
BarkLikeAMoose · 11/07/2015 01:10

Women should defer to a man's view about women's sexuality and if they don't they are [insert diminishing term here]

When you mansplained about "men's sexuality" that was exactly what you did.

Right, when I "mansplained" (give me a fucking break) about "men's sexuality" I was actually forcing people to defer to my view about women's sexuality.

Trying to work out if you really can't see the irony here. I give a male perspective about male sexuality. You tell me I'm wrong, and then turn it into a story about male oppression of women.

PushingThru · 11/07/2015 01:11

Moose, most of those reasons are entirely accounted for by societal pressures ( slut/stud) & safety reasons. Draw your antlers in.

BarkLikeAMoose · 11/07/2015 01:16

PushingThru - that may be the case, or it may not. The truth is we really don't know how much of what is accounted for by "societal pressures" and how much isn't, because we've never had a blank slate to observe where such pressures don't exist.

I'm not making a particular statement about where the motivation comes from. But the fact is we can observe that men's and women's sexual motivations are broadly different. Societal pressures are of course largely internalised anyway - they don't change the fact that people feel differently.

Offred · 11/07/2015 01:16

Ok, Dione sorry for being short!

Anything that expresses healthy and equal ideals of women and men and sexual relationships of all kinds. Pictures, videos, books etc the problem with porn is not that it shows sex, it's that the porn industry produces porn which is 99% misogynistic.

With pictures and videos you have to be extra careful around the consent of the people involved and with computers, gender inequality and the Internet it is tough to really ensure people are adequately consenting to pictures and videos and all of their potential uses so I'm not yet decided if that is entirely possible to consent to, in theory it should be possible though.

Offred · 11/07/2015 01:18

You gave "a male perspective about male sexuality" and how it is the same for men as a group and how it differs from women's whose sexuality is different from that as a group. If you meant to talk about your own sexuality perhaps that is what you should have done.

PushingThru · 11/07/2015 01:20

Moose, the good people of this world are trying to offer a blank slate to everyone regardless of gender or sexuality. Help or hinder, but please don't plead ignorance.

Offred · 11/07/2015 01:21

And the reason the male oppression of women is pertinent is cos you were explaining how 'men's sexuality' means it is ok to wank over porn i.e. Tell the op her boundaries are wrong because a man's view is more important and rational.

Offred · 11/07/2015 01:22

The problem is not that women who object to porn don't understand 'male sexuality'.

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/07/2015 01:25

It's not your fault Offred. I have been told that I sound a lot bit harsher online that I am in RL by my DP. We met online.Grin

Thank you for answering my question.Thanks

Offred · 11/07/2015 01:27

Meh, it's a porn thread and I was in work (5.30pm here).

PushingThru · 11/07/2015 01:30

It's half one in the morning here!

Offred · 11/07/2015 01:32

Yeah, it has British time on the posts! I always enjoy MN in the evening but you buggers are always sleeping during my current evening! It's like a ghost town!

BarkLikeAMoose · 11/07/2015 01:38

And the reason the male oppression of women is pertinent is cos you were explaining how 'men's sexuality' means it is ok to wank over porn i.e. Tell the op her boundaries are wrong because a man's view is more important and rational.

OK. Don't let the fact that I never said either of those things stop you.

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/07/2015 02:01

Offred, your description reminded me of The Joy of Sex which I watched in my teens. For most of my contemporaries, it was the first sex we saw onscreen and it was very different to what is more easily available now.

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/07/2015 02:03

And we were all turned on by it.Blush

Original poster
myluckystars · 11/07/2015 06:50

I couldn't have put this better myself I object to women being objectified and I think it is utterly grim for people to wank over women being objectified, particularly if it is men doing it because of the long history of gender inequality and oppression of female sexuality... I think it's an absolutely massively twattish thing to do. And when it's your husband who is otherwise a good man it is difficult to bring together, let alone plan the rest of my life with. I wonder if he still does it and on a practical note do parental controls mean anything? I can't have sex with a man who is currently watching porn. Period.

OP posts:
Keepithidden · 11/07/2015 06:59

Well done Red, I remember having a similar debate with you when I first joined MN. I was persuaded by your (and others) arguments. Not just about Porn, but sexuality. It is difficult to appreciate the damage done by my attitudes.

Yours, An ex porn user.

WhySoAngry · 11/07/2015 07:23

Offred - have you ever actually met any men in your life?

The gap between how they are and how you would like them to be is truly astonishing.

You may not like the fact that men are biologically programmed to impregnate as many women as they can - but that doesn't stop it being true.

Women are not biologically programmed that way. They need to find males with the best genes and best resources to father a limited number of offspring.

That is not supposition. It is a fact. Ask Helen Fisher et al.

When men don't have the opportunity to impregnate women in real life they do it in their imagination - by wanking. To make the experience seem more real they use porn.

Does some porn exploit and objectify women? Yes. But then so do most women's magazines, newspapers, adverts, TV programmes and films.

Trying to stop men watching porn is like trying to stop the sun rising in the morning. Get them to promise not to do it and they will simply lie.

Keepithidden · 11/07/2015 07:43

That's not true Angry, it's disproven evolutionary psychology.

Your last paragraph is also false, I'm one example of many.

WhySoAngry · 11/07/2015 08:08

But, hidden, how then do you account for the behaviour of men?

Who watches porn? Visits prostitutes? Commits rape? Men. Men. Men.

Disproven evolutionary theory? Just look at the world around you.

Keepithidden · 11/07/2015 08:44

It suits us to maintain the power balance as it is. It's not an evolutionary to thing, it's societal and for the benefit of my gender.

Humans have evolved beyond Darwinian theory. The world is a product of far more than genetics.

WhySoAngry · 11/07/2015 08:57

Humans have evolved beyond Darwinian theory No. Wrong.

The world is a product of far more than genetics Yes. Correct

Branleuse · 11/07/2015 11:19

i object to them to a certain extent while remaining realistic that porn is only one of many many things in the world that harms people, but i would no more dump or denigrate someone for enjoying occasional pornography, than i would for buying sweatshop produced cheap clothes from primark or non fairtrade chocolate. Its something to avoid, but he who is without sin can cast the first stone

LoisPuddingLane · 11/07/2015 12:41

When men don't have the opportunity to impregnate women in real life they do it in their imagination - by wanking

Why do women wank then?

WhySoAngry · 11/07/2015 13:01

Lois: because women are biologically programmed with sexual desire - required to ensure the perpetuation of the species.

The desire is different - arguably stronger, more aggresive - in men.