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Original poster

Who gets the snip?

517 replies

feministwithtitsin · 09/07/2015 15:11

Hi ladies (and gents)

Me and my DH have just had our 2 DC. We are both still relatively young (I am 30, DH is 29). We have both decided that 2 children is enough for us, our family is complete. I want to retrain and focus on my career in a year or so, and, although my DH probably would like more children, we have decided that 2 is enough as we would be better financially, and I would keep my sanity!

I have had 2 caesareans, the first was a nightmare as I had an infection and the recovery time was a nightmare (5 days in hospital, alot of pain etc) the second was textbook.

As we are both young, neither of us would be looking to get the snip for at least another 5 years, just to be 100% sure, as by that time out fertility would have dropped and I think it would be too disruptive to my career, and life in general, to be having a newborn after that.

So for the next 5 years, I will be on some kind of hormone contraceptive, as condoms are too much of a pain.

The question is who should get the snip? I think my DH should as I have had 2 caseareans already and the op itself is easier, he thinks I should because the risks of vascetomies scare him (long term ball pain etc)

So, mumsnet jury! What is your verdict Grin

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 14/07/2015 21:39

Of course its acceptable to ask.

And of course its acceptable to say, I'd rather we stick to condoms, or consider something else please...and not be considered a 'faulty man'.

fourtothedozen · 14/07/2015 21:42

No these methods are not 100% ( but neither is sterilisation).
THey are preferable to having someone sterilised who isn't completely sure about it. And that is what the OP is suggesting.

Offred · 14/07/2015 21:48

But the whole thing has been disagreeing with the idea that a man should never have to consider something which carries a risk, just because he is a man. There is no way of eliminating risk bar abstinence. It all has risks and the risks are mostly for women which has led to the idea amongst some that men are somehow exempt from considering something which has a risk to them. No-one has said vasectomy has no risks, no-one has said men should be expected to 'do their duty'. People have said they would think less of a man who refused to consider vasectomy, after a joint decision that no more children were wanted, but felt their partner should consider sterilisation because it had risks. Which is the actual situation described here. The whole thing doesn't work both ways because women just have the risk of pregnancy where men don't. For some that seems to mean women have the responsibility to not get pregnant if their partner doesn't want it as well!

YonicScrewdriver · 14/07/2015 21:50

I'm just going to repaste the OP as four seems to be reading something different - this post is clear that the OP will take it upon herself to use hormones for the next five years after two pregnancies and c sections.

"
Me and my DH have just had our 2 DC. We are both still relatively young (I am 30, DH is 29). We have both decided that 2 children is enough for us, our family is complete. I want to retrain and focus on my career in a year or so, and, although my DH probably would like more children, we have decided that 2 is enough as we would be better financially, and I would keep my sanity!

I have had 2 caesareans, the first was a nightmare as I had an infection and the recovery time was a nightmare (5 days in hospital, alot of pain etc) the second was textbook.

As we are both young, neither of us would be looking to get the snip for at least another 5 years, just to be 100% sure, as by that time out fertility would have dropped and I think it would be too disruptive to my career, and life in general, to be having a newborn after that.

So for the next 5 years, I will be on some kind of hormone contraceptive, as condoms are too much of a pain.

The question is who should get the snip? I think my DH should as I have had 2 caseareans already and the op itself is easier, he thinks I should because the risks of vascetomies scare him (long term ball pain etc)"

Offred · 14/07/2015 21:50

That is not what the op is suggesting at all.

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/07/2015 21:53

You said they were 'risk-free' four. No, they're not, there's a risk that a baby might be conceived.

That is completely untenable for many women - no better or worse than expecting someone to be sterilised against their wish.

fourtothedozen · 14/07/2015 21:55

offred I don't know if you have been though relationship difficulties yourself, but you seem very bitter towards men in general.

after a joint decision that no more children were wanted, after a joint decision that no more children were wanted

This isn't the case here though. But the OP states my DH probably would like more children You seem to by pushing your general assumption onto this specific case- and it is not applicable. Nor do I agree with your premise.
You seem to have a bad attitude towards men.

Offred · 14/07/2015 22:04

I'm not bitter towards men Hmm

I stopped xh having a vasectomy because the night before it was booked it transpired that he was not comfortable with it at all and thought he had to do it despite that just for me. Hmm The fact that he interpreted discussion about sterilisation as orders to have a vasectomy was because he is a bit of an idiot not because that's what actually happened in the discussion. I felt miffed that I had to take so much responsibility for the whole discussion as well tbh and that was a running theme.

I also explained very carefully to new BF who has no kids and is 29 that vasectomy is not only permanent but has risks when he suggested he have it recently. He knows absolutely nothing about contraception generally and again it was me taking responsibility for making sure everyone was happy and respected in the situation - which was also annoying.

You are suggesting vasectomy should never be suggested as a topic for discussion by a woman as that amounts to pressurising a man and that other forms of contraception are risk free which I think is more than a little bit unrealistic.

I think men are adults who should be more than capable of having discussions about contraception without feeling under pressure.

YonicScrewdriver · 14/07/2015 22:04

Four please read the whole OP!!!

For the next five years she is gojng to use hormonal contraception.

After that they think they will both be 100% sure and that sterilisation of one of them will be their preference.

I have handily reposted for you.

Offred · 14/07/2015 22:07

Nothing the op has posted has suggested he feels under pressure. He has expressed an opinion, so has she. But she is pressuring him?

Offred · 14/07/2015 22:09

And I entirely fail to see why her feeling he should do it and him feeling she should when they both don't want more DC is her pressuring him.

Offred · 14/07/2015 22:11

The decision they have made together now involves risks only to her and compromise only on her side... Just what about that involves pressure on him?

WyrdByrd · 14/07/2015 22:12

Tricky - my DH had two friends who had a rough time post-vasectomy and pretty much refused to even consider.

Our local health authority won't do female sterilisation unless there are very extenuating circumstances, so I had a Mirena coil for 10 years.

I had to have an ovary removed a couple of months ago and they were happy to sterilise me at the same time, so that's solved the issue for us.

I think you need to look into the pros and cons and logistics and discuss it together from there really.

Offred · 14/07/2015 22:14

I think you need to look into the pros and cons and logistics and discuss it together from there really.

Well yes... But apparently not for some people because doing that would be pressurising a man and to suggest otherwise means you are bitter about men.

WyrdByrd · 14/07/2015 22:15

Yes, I realised as I posted I should have RTFT Blush!

CamelliaA · 14/07/2015 22:17

Snip him. Quick,easy, and reversible.

Offred · 14/07/2015 22:21

Joke? Confused

WyrdByrd · 14/07/2015 22:46

So, having quickly scanned through the entire thread...

OP and her DH have researched and discussed the pro's and con's - he has his reservations about vasectomy but they have 5 years in which to make a final decision?

A lot can happen in 5 years...when we had the vasectomy discussion DH admitted he wasn't keen so I went to GP and asked what my options were - ended up with Mirena and was very happy with it and would have continued with it had I not been able to have tubal ligation as an 'extra' to my other surgery (even then I had Hmm reaction from one of the pre-op nurses because I have the temerity to have stopped at one DC Angry).

I'd be interested to know your concerns about it Offred, particularly with regard to it being 'relatively new'- as far as I'm aware it's been around for 25 years. I suppose that doesn't allow for any data on possible long, long term consequences to be gathered, but it must have been proven to be relatively safe and effective? I was fortunate to have a brilliant experience with it and although I chose to be sterilised so it could be removed and I'd have more awareness of what my body is doing as I head in middle age, I would certainly have it replaced for period control if necessary in the future.

OP I would make sure your DH is aware of what will be involved for him if you are sterilised. Obviously my op was more involved than straightforward TL, but I was in a fair bit of pain and discomfort for a good couple of weeks afterward, even though it was performed via keyhole surgery.

SkaterGrrrrl · 14/07/2015 23:00

"However, the vasectomy is surgery- not a simple 'snip'- and it's poorly carried out in this country. It might well be the 'fair' thing to do but it is not a trivial thing to do."

JohnFarley, this is a fair point and I hadn't thought of it that way before you put it like that.

Original poster
feministwithtitsin · 14/07/2015 23:10

four my op and previous posts have stated that we wouldn't be looking for sterilisation or vascetomy for at least another 5 years! At which point my DH and i feel we would be done with babies and not want yo go back to baby stage! I have also stressed this in other posts!

I have even said i woukd consider more DC!

I dont understand why me talking about vascetomies with my DH is pressure? We are both equals in our relationship, he says no to me all the time! Grin

fuzz yours is yhe nightmare scenario that makes me worried about vascetomy. It truly sounds terrible Flowers

OP posts:
Offred · 14/07/2015 23:29

About Mirena?

Gathering the data in fertility effects is about how much something is used not about how long it's been available. I don't have concerns about it per se, I have concerns when people say "it is immediately reversible" as that is what they used to think (and say) about depo until usage proved otherwise! That obviously isn't a concern for you if you used it instead of sterilisation! I just think it is bad practice to tell people anything with hormones in is immediately reversible, it's more accurate to say it is not known to cause delays in return to fertility! It's just a gripe really about how the NHS gives information to people.

Original poster
feministwithtitsin · 14/07/2015 23:30

I don't understand where this pressure thing is coming from? I really don't get it!

Now for even thinking women should have a discussion with their partner about vascetomies, offred is a man hater, and i am painted out to be frogmarching a crying man weeping for the children he'll never have off to the hospital!

Its actually laughable!

I think the thread.has taken a more philosophical turn about views on contraceptive responsibility, and if we are willing to accept that men should shoulder some burden or not.
Not necessarily have a vascetomy, but be willing to consider one.

OP posts:
Original poster
feministwithtitsin · 14/07/2015 23:56

I do want a permanent method of contraception when we BOTH decide that 100% our family is complete.

I do thank posters for recommending contraception that works well for them, it helps when deciding what contraception to consider at the minute.

Condoms are just not reliable enough for me. Hormonal methods are the most reliable and i dont want to be on hormonal contraception until i am on hormonal replacement therapy!

I think hormonal contraception has become so commonplace in society, no-one really talks about or cares about the risks and unpleasant side affects of the medication.

I do accept people have different views to me, i did ask for all opinons in my OP! I do accept that a vascetomy is not a small undertaking, but neither would be taking hormonal medication for the next 20 years or femal sterilisation!

OP posts:
SkaterGrrrrl · 15/07/2015 00:21

"Caps are risk free, diaphragms are risk free, natural family planning is risk free, modifying sexual behaviour is risk free.
THat's five."

fourtothedozen those methods of contraception are massively risky as the likelihood of pregnancy is high. Or is that only a problem if you happen to be a woman?

DoesItReallyMatter · 15/07/2015 01:56

Mmm, depends what you mean by risk free. There is a lot, lot less risk of getting pregnant if you have been sterilised than using caps, diaphragm etc.

I got sterilised about 17 years ago after four kids - I still relish the fact that I don't have to think about contraception. I found it liberating.

It was a 7 minute minor operation that meant I never had to worry or even think about contraception again. It didn't even hurt.

I don't know if the risks are less for female sterilisation so than for men. If They are then I am pleased I made the choice to be sterilised rather than my DH getting it done.