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Original poster

Who gets the snip?

517 replies

feministwithtitsin · 09/07/2015 15:11

Hi ladies (and gents)

Me and my DH have just had our 2 DC. We are both still relatively young (I am 30, DH is 29). We have both decided that 2 children is enough for us, our family is complete. I want to retrain and focus on my career in a year or so, and, although my DH probably would like more children, we have decided that 2 is enough as we would be better financially, and I would keep my sanity!

I have had 2 caesareans, the first was a nightmare as I had an infection and the recovery time was a nightmare (5 days in hospital, alot of pain etc) the second was textbook.

As we are both young, neither of us would be looking to get the snip for at least another 5 years, just to be 100% sure, as by that time out fertility would have dropped and I think it would be too disruptive to my career, and life in general, to be having a newborn after that.

So for the next 5 years, I will be on some kind of hormone contraceptive, as condoms are too much of a pain.

The question is who should get the snip? I think my DH should as I have had 2 caseareans already and the op itself is easier, he thinks I should because the risks of vascetomies scare him (long term ball pain etc)

So, mumsnet jury! What is your verdict Grin

OP posts:
fourtothedozen · 14/07/2015 21:00

But he isn't pressuring anything.
Why all the male bashing.

He has voiced his feeling that he may like more kids, and why not- he is very young, still in his 20s. I think it's her who is pressuring in trying to enforce sterilisation.
She's no more pressuring him into vasectomy than he is her into more DC

No- he wants to keep their options open- she doesn't.

Offred · 14/07/2015 21:02

I'm not sure where you are actually reading that. They both agree that at the time sterilisation may be on the cards it is something they will both want. It is just him who may want more DC in the next five years. They both feel it would be better for the other to be sterilised if that happens. Where is the pressure from her.

Offred · 14/07/2015 21:03

My whole point was that him thinking he might want more is not pressuring her, it's just how he feels btw. I was asking why you are reading her feeling that she doesn't want more as pressurising to him but his feeling that he might as not pressurising to her?

Offred · 14/07/2015 21:09

It's the essence of the whole thing. Women who don't want more when men do are pressurising men to have vasectomies. Women who do want more when men don't are pressurising men into having more. It's a common attitude.... It's always women pressurising men because it's women who are given the responsibility of family planning/contraception. Men are perfectly capable of making their own decisions and taking responsibility for themselves just like women are. Contraception and family planning are joint responsibilities which involve individual decisions. Vasectomy should not be off the table for a man who also suggests tube tying is on the table IMO. That's all.

Offred · 14/07/2015 21:15

The argument that women bear the risks of childbirth is never extended to support women deliberately and deceptively getting pregnant, and quite rightly, because the baby that results is a joint responsibility and that would be very unfair for the father. For a baby to not result it is not radical to suggest that men have some consideration of what would be fair for their partner as well as them.

fourtothedozen · 14/07/2015 21:15

It's because sterilisation is so final. That's the issue. Pressure to sterilise (whichever partner it may be) is a far bigger issue that "pressure" to keep options open.

Individuals need to be 100% sure of this major step.

Keeping options open is a reversible state, sterlisation is not- that's the difference.
If there is a shadow of a doubt then the idea is a bad one.

Offred · 14/07/2015 21:16

Which should never extend to - it is your turn or expecting men to have a vasectomy.

Offred · 14/07/2015 21:17

Having an unwanted pregnancy is pretty final too so I don't agree with that at all.

fourtothedozen · 14/07/2015 21:21

There are plenty ways to avoid an unwanted pregnancy,

Offred · 14/07/2015 21:22

Yes, and almost all of them involve risks to women.

fourtothedozen · 14/07/2015 21:23

Oh please- that's just not true.

Offred · 14/07/2015 21:24

So wanting your female partner to keep options open by not getting sterilised almost always involves wanting your partner to take on risks to herself of either an unwanted pregnancy or non-permanent contraception. That's an ok thing to negotiate and agree as a couple.

Offred · 14/07/2015 21:24

It is absolutely true - how is it not true?

Offred · 14/07/2015 21:26

Only condoms are risk free. Coils involve pain and risks of perforation and failure and hormones involve health risks like cancer, vascular disease, failure and loss of libido.

Offred · 14/07/2015 21:26

And condoms are less effective at preventing pg

fourtothedozen · 14/07/2015 21:27

You think all contraceptives involve a risk to woman? And I am not just talking about pregnancy risks- even sterilisation is not 100% effective.

Offred · 14/07/2015 21:28

Which ones don't?

Theas18 · 14/07/2015 21:28

Look up ESSURE sterilisation . It's a great option.

fourtothedozen · 14/07/2015 21:29

Caps are risk free, diaphragms are risk free, natural family planning is risk free, modifying sexual behaviour is risk free.

THat's five.

Offred · 14/07/2015 21:30

They are all methods which involve high rates of failure.

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/07/2015 21:32

I would never ask my OH to have a vasectomy.

I would. And did.

DH considered it, and decided it was a mutually satisfying solution to the two of us being sure our family was complete.

Men can't ask women to consider getting pregnant, giving birth (and breastfeeding), because there is zero choice in the matter. We simply have to suck it up with no avenue at all for compromise or load-sharing.

That is why, in many, many relationships, when the couple have completed their family, they consider their options and the man decides he is OK with taking his turn in the fertility-related, decision-making stakes.

This is perfectly normal and commonplace, even if some women find the idea of asking their partner to consider sterilisation so shocking.

Offred · 14/07/2015 21:32

If it is acceptable to ask a woman to consider those things because the man may want more children why is it not acceptable to ask a man to consider vasectomy when both people don't want more children?

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/07/2015 21:33

They are absolutely not risk-free, four. Confused

Offred · 14/07/2015 21:34

And I'd be willing to bet that if a woman said "I don't want to get pregnant so we can't have penetrative sex anymore" the woman would be considered faulty...

Offred · 14/07/2015 21:38

And probably be told she was pressurising him into getting a vasectomy...