Who gets the snip?

[feministwithtitsin]

Hi ladies (and gents)

Me and my DH have just had our 2 DC. We are both still relatively young (I am 30, DH is 29). We have both decided that 2 children is enough for us, our family is complete. I want to retrain and focus on my career in a year or so, and, although my DH probably would like more children, we have decided that 2 is enough as we would be better financially, and I would keep my sanity!

I have had 2 caesareans, the first was a nightmare as I had an infection and the recovery time was a nightmare (5 days in hospital, alot of pain etc) the second was textbook.

As we are both young, neither of us would be looking to get the snip for at least another 5 years, just to be 100% sure, as by that time out fertility would have dropped and I think it would be too disruptive to my career, and life in general, to be having a newborn after that.

So for the next 5 years, I will be on some kind of hormone contraceptive, as condoms are too much of a pain.

The question is who should get the snip? I think my DH should as I have had 2 caseareans already and the op itself is easier, he thinks I should because the risks of vascetomies scare him (long term ball pain etc)

So, mumsnet jury! What is your verdict

I still don't get this tit for tat attitude.

"So I've had the kids - now it's his turn to suffer"

Ok, but it wasn't clear you were talking generally and not about the op.

Christ, four, it is NOT tit for tat.

It is joint family planning.

I would never ask my OH to have a vasectomy.

That's fine for you.

But the OP and her DH are considering sterilisation as a route and he thinks she should be the one to do it (and vice versa) Yet all the focus seems to be on her despite them both holding the same position!

I think it is just normal to ask your partner to consider things tbh. Whether it's a form of contraception or a baby. Ultimately no-one should be pressured into doing something they don't want but many times people do things that are less than ideal for them or on a schedule that is more dictated by their partner (which they have decided to agree to themselves) and that's fine and normal to me. My sister's boyfriend really, really wants a baby. She has thought carefully about it and decided they should TTC. If she was just considering herself she'd probably have chosen to wait a bit longer but she's considered everything including his feelings and is happy with the choice to TTC.

Your GP will tell you no risks. I was told never happened and 1 in 1000. My Urologist and Pain consultant say 1 in 10. Same NHS Trust. GPs lie

Well yes, people get poor information from the health services sometimes. Men and women about sexual health, contraception, birth etc. it's just a different issue. Women are not to blame for bad advice given to men about vasectomies by GPs.

That's kind of like women blaming a man for poor care given in pregnancy. It's horrible but the GP that gave the advice and the service that fails to ensure informed decision making happens are to blame, not women.

offred- it may be "normal" to ask our partners to consider things but not medically unnecessary elective surgery.

Four, do you also think that the OP's DH is not normal?

yonic- it is offred who is suggesting what's "normal" and what isn't. I am answering her question.

I think if the couple has decided to consider permanent forms of contraception then yeah it's fair enough for both partners to expect the other to consider sterilisation. Just not fair to expect a partner to do it.

Have the couple decided on permanent contraception- it sounds like the Op who is pressing for it.

If that were the case her partners objection to sterilisation would be "I don't want to be permanently sterilised" not "I am scared about pain" surely?

although my DH probably would like more children,
THis and given that this guy is only 29 I'm not surprised he doesn't want a vasectomy.

It doesn't sound like a united front to me.

If that were the case her partners objection to sterilisation would be "I don't want to be permanently sterilised" not "I am scared about pain" surely?

None of us actually know though- the OP is painting a one sided argument.

She's not asking him not to be scared of the pain, just to also consider the risks of sterilisation/pg on her.

It's very clear that they are talking about a decision for the future, not now.

although my DH probably would like more children

She is being very unfair suggesting vasectomy when her Oh feels like this.

So what about him thinking it would be better for her to do it? He gets no criticism for that at all but she does?

And yeah it's a decision for the future not for now, when he doesn't want anymore DC either. What about him wanting more DC now when she doesn't? No criticism for that? None of these things are really criticisable IMO, they are the personal feelings of two individuals which are in conflict.

That sounds like her idea though. Maybe he would be happy for her to be sterilised. That is for her to decide. There is no suggestion that he is pressuring her.
It sounds like she is offering him two bad options, he understandably is opting for the least worst.
He may like more kids in the future- it may not be with the OP.

If the op was sure she didn't want anymore and went and got sterilised without considering his feelings about wanting more I'm not sure many people would think that was ok though but it seems she's being criticised for taking his feelings into account by allowing the possibility of more DC in the next five years and then at the time they both agree they will not want more she's expecting he consider hers too. What's actually wrong with that? She's no more pressuring him into vasectomy than he is her into more DC.

of course it would be quite frustrating if you'd spent the whole relationship considering everything and your partner would only think of himself. That doesn't mean anyone should get sterilised if it isn't their choice.